Favorite CLEAN jokes?

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Replies

  • LittleLolita
    LittleLolita Posts: 76
    How can you tell if a girl is tickelish?

    Give her a little test-tickle!





    What do you do if your pad is on fire?

    You tampon it
  • dorejohn
    dorejohn Posts: 3 Member
    What do you call a pig doing karate









    Pork Chop
  • _Timmeh_
    _Timmeh_ Posts: 2,096 Member
    I had to google it, told this joke to my dad and fell off the couch laughing.....


    Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

    One Texan turned to the other and said, “That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.”

    He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”

    Gasping, she shook her head "no."

    He asked, “Kin ya breathe?”

    Still gasping, she again shook her head “No."

    With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her backside. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, “Ya know, it’s sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!”
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,339 Member
    :laugh:
    Did you hear about the blind golfer???









    He drove the caddys nuts!
  • missleah26
    missleah26 Posts: 146 Member
    Why'd the cowboy get a dachshund?



    Someone told him to "get a long, little doggie!"
  • Aureilie
    Aureilie Posts: 213 Member
    How do you wake up Lady Gaga?








    You poke her face!
  • Charabbidan
    Charabbidan Posts: 24 Member
    There are two ducks sat in a pond.

    The first duck says "Quack"

    The second replies "Hey, I was about to say that!"
  • CountryBoy65
    CountryBoy65 Posts: 908 Member
    Whats the chemical symbol for water? H2O

    Whats the symbol for Holy water? H2OMG !!
  • TK266
    TK266 Posts: 3,638 Member
    Two cows are talking.
    Cow 1: "Hey, did you hear about that mad cow disease?"
    Cow 2: "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it."
    Cow 1: "Why not?"
    Cow 2: "I'm a duck."
  • maggie16sweetxoxo
    maggie16sweetxoxo Posts: 314 Member
    Why did the octopus join the army?

    because hes well armed!! bahaha
  • kking76
    kking76 Posts: 41 Member
    Why was six afraid of seven?



    Cause seven eight (ate) nine. :laugh:
  • doorki
    doorki Posts: 2,576 Member
    Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

    A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
    The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
    The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
    The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

    St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

    But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles
  • still_crafty
    still_crafty Posts: 682 Member
    what do you call a blind doe?















    I have no idea-r . . . . . .

    get it? no-eyed deer.

    got that one from my six year old daughter ;)
  • mg413
    mg413 Posts: 39 Member
    Why can you never hit a crow in the road?

    Cause there's always another one on the sidewalk saying 'Car! Car!'

    ...ok, ok that one sounds better when you're from Boston and tell it. Sounds more like 'Ca! Ca!' LOL
  • dinosnopro
    dinosnopro Posts: 2,177 Member
    How do you wake up Lady Gaga?








    You poke her face!


    Funny that's how I wake my wife too
  • FloodlitWorld
    FloodlitWorld Posts: 22
    A scientist walks into a bar and says to the bartender: 'I'd like a cool glass of H2O please'.

    The guy sat next to him - wanting to appear smart - says: 'I'll have a glass of H20 too'.

    His funeral is on Monday.
  • paigemarie93
    paigemarie93 Posts: 778 Member
    Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

    A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
    The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
    The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
    The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

    St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

    But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles

    Still the patron saint of Ireland...
    Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".
  • HealthyHappy120
    HealthyHappy120 Posts: 262
    Lol these make me laugh more than I should :laugh:
  • Diary_Queen
    Diary_Queen Posts: 1,314 Member
    How do you catch a unique rabbit??




    You 'neek up behind him!










    How do you catch a tame rabbit?




    Tame way!
  • larlo74
    larlo74 Posts: 45 Member
    A lady walks into a ice cream shop.

    " I'll have a chocolate ice cream cone."

    The server says," I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't have any chocolate."

    She says," Okay, I'll have a bowl of chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup."

    "Ma'am," the server replies," We don't have any chocolate."

    "Fine. How about a vanilla chocolate swirl cone then," she asks.

    "Ma'am," the server says as he points to the flavor board behind him." do you see the 'straw' in strawberry?"

    "Why yes, I do," she replies.

    "Do you see the 'van' in vanilla?" he asks.

    "I do," she says.

    "Do you see the 'flip' in chocolate?" he asks.

    She looks at the board for a minute. "There's no 'flip' in chocolate," she finally says.

    "That's what I've been trying to tell you!!"
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,339 Member
    Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

    A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
    The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
    The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
    The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

    St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

    But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles

    Still the patron saint of Ireland...
    Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".

    Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you :wink:
  • Caffeine_Addict
    Caffeine_Addict Posts: 178 Member
    New Fave:

    What-do-you-call-an-Alligator-in-a-vest-An-investigator.jpg
  • michellelynne474
    michellelynne474 Posts: 49 Member
    some really great ones and some really not so great ones!!! :-)
  • paigemarie93
    paigemarie93 Posts: 778 Member
    what do you call a blind doe?















    I have no idea-r . . . . . .

    get it? no-eyed deer.

    got that one from my six year old daughter ;)

    We have a version of that here.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idea.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes & no legs?

    Still no idea.
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,339 Member
    A lady walks into a ice cream shop.

    " I'll have a chocolate ice cream cone."

    The server says," I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't have any chocolate."

    She says," Okay, I'll have a bowl of chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup."

    "Ma'am," the server replies," We don't have any chocolate."

    "Fine. How about a vanilla chocolate swirl cone then," she asks.

    "Ma'am," the server says as he points to the flavor board behind him." do you see the 'straw' in strawberry?"

    "Why yes, I do," she replies.

    "Do you see the 'van' in vanilla?" he asks.

    "I do," she says.

    "Do you see the 'flip' in chocolate?" he asks.

    She looks at the board for a minute. "There's no 'flip' in chocolate," she finally says.

    "That's what I've been trying to tell you!!"

    LMFAO
  • trill0042
    trill0042 Posts: 110 Member
    What kind of bees make milk?


    Boobies!
  • DanOhh
    DanOhh Posts: 1,806 Member
    demetri-martin-art2.png
  • Squidgeypaws007
    Squidgeypaws007 Posts: 1,012 Member
    Three elephants fell off a cliff......two hit the land, one hit the water

    Ba BOOM Tscchh.


    Horse walks in to a bar, the barman asks "why the long face?"
  • mdsjmom98
    mdsjmom98 Posts: 333 Member
    A blonde, brunette and a redhead rob a bank. They take off on foot and are being chased by the police. They run into a nearby potato field, and find some potato sacks to hide in. The police walk up to the brunette and kick the sack, and the brunette says, "woof, woof" The policeman says, just a sack of dogs. They kick the sack with the redhead in it, and she says, "meow, meow" and they move on, thinking it's a sack of kittens. They kick the sack with the blonde, and the blonde says "POTATO!!"
  • paigemarie93
    paigemarie93 Posts: 778 Member
    Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

    A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
    The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
    The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
    The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

    St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

    But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles

    Still the patron saint of Ireland...
    Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".

    Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you :wink:

    Sorry :tongue: That just really grinds my gears.
    Ooooh punish? I like the sound of this. :laugh:

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