Favorite CLEAN jokes?

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Replies

  • sdrawkcabynot
    sdrawkcabynot Posts: 462 Member
    Two cows are talking.
    Cow 1: "Hey, did you hear about that mad cow disease?"
    Cow 2: "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it."
    Cow 1: "Why not?"
    Cow 2: "I'm a duck."


    *SNORT*
  • ADM1979
    ADM1979 Posts: 105 Member
    How do you make a tissue dance?

    But a little buggie in it!


    A middle aged women went to her doctor to inquire when her parents should be put in a nursing home. Doc says he give them a test.

    Doc said, "if i fill a tub full of water and I give you a teaspoon, a cup, and a bucket . . . what would you use to empty the tub."
    Woman say, "bucket because its bigger."
    Doc says, "back a bag so you can go to the nursing home. Most people will just pull the plug."

    (sounds better in person! : ) )
  • thrld
    thrld Posts: 610 Member
    Knock-Knock

    Who's There?

    Interrupting cow

    Interruptting Co---
    MOOO!




    Why was the skelton afraid to cross the road?
    No guts.


    How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    two. But they have to be very, very tiny.


    What do you call that smelly untalented idiot who hangs out with the band?
    The drummer.


    How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    One. But he holds the bulb, while the rest of the world revolves around him.





    *drummer joke told to me by someone who had just broken up with drummer.
  • maggie16sweetxoxo
    maggie16sweetxoxo Posts: 314 Member
    New Fave:

    What-do-you-call-an-Alligator-in-a-vest-An-investigator.jpg





    BAHAHHAHAHAH
  • jcstanton
    jcstanton Posts: 1,849 Member
    My favorite Chuck Norris joke:

    Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,339 Member
    Some of these are SO funny!
  • CMcBryer
    CMcBryer Posts: 139 Member
    Breaking news this afternoon: Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • doorki
    doorki Posts: 2,576 Member
    Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

    A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
    The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
    The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
    The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

    St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

    But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles

    Still the patron saint of Ireland...
    Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".

    Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you :wink:

    HEY! Don't take away my sport!
  • CMcBryer
    CMcBryer Posts: 139 Member
    How do you organize a space party?

    You planet.
  • CanadianDude
    CanadianDude Posts: 6
    A duck walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey buddy, your pants are down."
  • SnakeDarling
    SnakeDarling Posts: 352 Member
    Why did the bus die?
    The pistons were shot.

    What is a witch's best subject?
    Spelling.
  • BruteSquad
    BruteSquad Posts: 373 Member
    Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

    A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
    The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
    The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
    The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

    St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

    But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles

    Still the patron saint of Ireland...
    Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".

    Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you :wink:

    Sorry :tongue: That just really grinds my gears.
    Ooooh punish? I like the sound of this. :laugh:
    I do sincerely apologize. I was rushing to type, and with all the adverts here saying "St. Patty's" It was floating around my brain. I do realize the exceptionally high regard that St. Patrick is held. I would never purposefully insult you or he.

    Now the punishing and gear grinding....you are both just teasing me now.
  • paigemarie93
    paigemarie93 Posts: 778 Member
    Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

    A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
    The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
    The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
    The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

    St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

    But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles

    Still the patron saint of Ireland...
    Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".

    Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you :wink:

    Sorry :tongue: That just really grinds my gears.
    Ooooh punish? I like the sound of this. :laugh:
    I do sincerely apologize. I was rushing to type, and with all the adverts here saying "St. Patty's" It was floating around my brain. I do realize the exceptionally high regard that St. Patrick is held. I would never purposefully insult you or he.

    Now the punishing and gear grinding....you are both just teasing me now.

    You are forgiven :happy:
  • JSheehy1965
    JSheehy1965 Posts: 404
    What's brown and sticky?






    A Stick

    Courtesy of my 3 year old nephew

    I LOVE that joke - forgotten about it till you said it and I snorted water out my nose!

    A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.

    The bar tender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?"
  • Jferg69
    Jferg69 Posts: 241 Member
    Today, I walked into a restaurant.

    "Hi, is my table ready?"

    "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"

    "No, that's okay."

    "Great, take these to table six then."
  • FloodlitWorld
    FloodlitWorld Posts: 22
    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking down the street at night when a man corners them and points a gun at them.

    "I've had enough of you women," he says. "Any last words before I shoot you?"

    The redhead steps forward, clears her throat and then looks behind him and yells out "Tornado!" The man turns around and the redhead quickly runs away.

    He's annoyed, but asks the brunette the same question. She steps forward, looks panicked and yells out "Flood!"

    He's distracted again and the brunette makes her escape. Pretty miffed by now, he faces the blonde and asks "What're your last words then?"

    The blonde girl smiles, calmly steps forward and yells at the top of her voice: "Fire!"
  • jojogo1111
    jojogo1111 Posts: 30
    Why was six afraid of seven?



    Cause seven eight (ate) nine. :laugh:

    No, it's because seven was a murderer.
  • Nikkei24
    Nikkei24 Posts: 282 Member
    Ok, newly married couple....home on their first day after the honeymoon.....the husband is ready to head out to work when his wife says hey hun, can I make you something for breakfast? He says hey how about we (ahem ahem) instead...so they go at it.....
    and he takes off to work.
    Lunchtime rolls around and he stops in tellin the wife honey I'm home......wife turns and says ok what do you want for lunch? Well, how about we (ahem ahem) instead?
    so they go another round and he heads back to work.......So he finishes his day and as he walks in, sees his wife sliding down the banister. He turns to his wife and says hey hun, what are you doing?
    I just figured I'd warm up dinner


    Lmao. I will be stealing this one.
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 567 Member
    A horse walks into the bar.....

    And the bartender says..




    Why the long face?
  • HulkDiesel77
    HulkDiesel77 Posts: 219 Member
    Stop celebrating with food your not a dog!!
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
    demetri-martin-art2.png

    fantastic!!
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
    What do fish say when they hit a brick wall??



    Dam!
  • azwildcatfan94
    azwildcatfan94 Posts: 314 Member
    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
    a farmer has three pretty daughters, and they are all upstairs getting ready to go out on dates. the father is sitting on the front porch, shotgun across his lap, waiting for the lucky fellas to arrive.

    around 6 o'clock, the first fella shows up and says, "hey! my name's freddy, i'm here for betty - we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?" the father calls up to betty and tells her to have a nice time.

    a bit later, the second fella shows up and says, "hi! my name's joe, i'm here for floe - we're going out to the show, is she ready to go?" the father calls up to floe and tells her to enjoy the program.

    by now the sun is going down, and the third fella arrives and says, "hello, my name's chuck..."

    farmer shot chuck.
  • alicialiken
    alicialiken Posts: 39 Member
    bump!
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THEM!

    Troof!
  • shellma00
    shellma00 Posts: 1,684 Member
    What kind of pants does Super Mario wear?








    DenimDenimDenim
  • StephTink76
    StephTink76 Posts: 318 Member
    Bump!!
  • jen88ve
    jen88ve Posts: 153
    A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Can.... I..... have.....a......drink?" and the bartenders goes, "Why the big pause (paws)?"



    *Honestly, it gets me every time! :laugh:
  • FloodlitWorld
    FloodlitWorld Posts: 22
    Here lies Kevin Hollister (1990-2012)
    Diagnosed with kleptomania in 1998
    Got his first job at the grenade factory in 2012
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