Favorite CLEAN jokes?

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  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,339 Member
    A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some milk. "we don't have any milk" The duck turns around and walks out.
    Next day, duck comes back "Got any milk?" "For the second time NO! We don't have any milk! And if you come back I will nail your feet to the floor!!!" Duck leaves.
    The next day, the duck walks in "got any nails?"
    Bartender:"No"
    duck: "got any milk?"
  • FloodlitWorld
    FloodlitWorld Posts: 22
    A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some milk. "we don't have any milk" The duck turns around and walks out.
    Next day, duck comes back "Got any milk?" "For the second time NO! We don't have any milk! And if you come back I will nail your feet to the floor!!!" Duck leaves.
    The next day, the duck walks in "got any nails?"
    Bartender:"No"
    duck: "got any milk?"

    I've been laughing for two minutes straight at this one. Love it!
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    Did you hear about the Old West outlaw who wore brown paper pants, a brown paper shirt, and a brown paper hat? He was wanted for rustling.
  • PurpleGyrl13
    PurpleGyrl13 Posts: 84 Member
    These are great....how many calories can you burn from laughing????
  • paigemarie93
    paigemarie93 Posts: 778 Member
    A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some milk. "we don't have any milk" The duck turns around and walks out.
    Next day, duck comes back "Got any milk?" "For the second time NO! We don't have any milk! And if you come back I will nail your feet to the floor!!!" Duck leaves.
    The next day, the duck walks in "got any nails?"
    Bartender:"No"
    duck: "got any milk?"

    Now I have the duck song in my head " & the duck walked up to the lemonade stand & he said to the man running the stand, "hey" bom bom bom bom bom bom bom "got any grapes?"..... Don't watch it, it will imprint in your mind for eternity.
  • CoachMaritova
    CoachMaritova Posts: 409 Member
    Ok, since you asked for it... I had this one on my status yesterday:


    "This rope walked into a bar and said, 'I'd like to order a beer, please.' The bartender said, 'I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.' The rope said, 'I'm not leaving until I get my beer!' This made the bartender so angry that he grabbed the rope and threw him out the backdoor. The rope stomped off behind the dumpster and tied himself into a huge knot, then he took each of his ends and frayed them. He went back in and up to the bar and said, 'I'd like to order a beer, please.' The bartender took one look at him and said, 'Hey, aren't you that rope that was in here a few minutes ago?!' The rope answered, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot!'"
  • BruteSquad
    BruteSquad Posts: 373 Member
    How do you catch a unique squirrel?
    U nique up on him.

    How do you catch a tame squirrel?
    Tame way.
  • TK266
    TK266 Posts: 3,638 Member
    This one sound better when said out loud.

    what do you call a pig with three eyes?

    piiig
  • madyncaden
    madyncaden Posts: 290 Member
    lovin reading these.......most of them :)
  • TK266
    TK266 Posts: 3,638 Member
    A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story."Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied."Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
  • anna0306
    anna0306 Posts: 16 Member
    A lady walks in to a bar with a duck under her arm.

    Bartender says "Hey, we don't allow pigs in here!"

    The lady says "This isn't a pig, it's a duck!"

    The bartender says "I was talking to the duck."
  • stang41992
    stang41992 Posts: 129 Member
    bump
  • TK266
    TK266 Posts: 3,638 Member
    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
  • cam_l20
    cam_l20 Posts: 95 Member
    What did the policeman say to his stomach?
    You're under a vest!


    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    To
    To who?
    I think you mean "to whom"


    What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
    Marscapone


    What cheese do you use to entice a bear?
    Camembert
  • elenathegreat
    elenathegreat Posts: 3,988 Member
    Why was six afraid of seven?



    Cause seven eight (ate) nine. :laugh:

    No, it's because seven was a murderer.

    No, seven was a cannibal.
  • doorki
    doorki Posts: 2,576 Member
    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Boo
    Boo Who?
    Why you cryin!?!
  • elenathegreat
    elenathegreat Posts: 3,988 Member
    What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped prison?
    A Small Medium at Large...
  • Yolanda_85
    Yolanda_85 Posts: 143 Member
    Little old Grandpa is going to visit Grandma in the hospital. He has his young granddaughter with him and they are riding in the elevator. The elevator stops and an older lady gets in, they go up a few more floors when the elevator stops again and the doors open. The older lady turns and slaps Grandpa hard as she can and stomps off the elevator. The granddaughter looks up at her confused grandpa and says, "I don't like that lady, she stepped on my toe...so I pinched her!"
  • Makethefatcry12
    Makethefatcry12 Posts: 133 Member
    I'm easily amused but this one get me every time.

    2 muffins are baking in an oven.
    One turns to the other and says "Boy it's really hot in here."
    The other one screams out "Ahhh a talking muffin!"

    Bahahahaha
  • LitaRose77
    LitaRose77 Posts: 124 Member
    I got a good chuckle out of this one....Thanks!
    Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

    A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
    The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
    The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
    The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."
  • Mom0fTwo
    Mom0fTwo Posts: 326 Member
    A cop pulls over a man for speeding after a bit of a car chase, and says to the man, "Look, I have had a long day and if you tell me one I have never heard before I will let you off." man looks at the cop and says "Last week my wife ran off with a cop...I thought you were trying to give her back."
  • LaVieEnRaw
    LaVieEnRaw Posts: 74
    Did you know that Photons have mass?







    I didn't even know they were catholic.
  • rbear713
    rbear713 Posts: 220 Member
    My son, 3 at the time, came up with this gem:

    Evan: Hey Dad, How do you count the trees on the roof?

    Me: I'm not sure...how?

    Evan: With your fingers, stupid!


    and the all time classic:

    Why is 6 afraid of 7?

    Because 7, 8, 9.
  • cre8freedom
    cre8freedom Posts: 63 Member
    (mad cow disease) lol my fav so far!!
  • qkidney
    qkidney Posts: 258
    Haha these are excellent :)
  • HauteP1nk
    HauteP1nk Posts: 2,139 Member
    Why did the Frog go into the bank?

    To Rob-it, Rob-it....
  • robot_potato
    robot_potato Posts: 1,535 Member
    What do you call 2 bees that are ghosts?





















    BOO-BEES!!!!!!

    That was courtesy of my 7 year old.
  • FloodlitWorld
    FloodlitWorld Posts: 22
    A man walks into a butcher's shop and says to the butcher: "I bet you £200 that you can't reach the meat on that top shelf without a ladder!"

    "Nah, I'm not taking that bet!"

    "Why not?"

    "Because the steaks are too high"
  • Meaganandcheese
    Meaganandcheese Posts: 525 Member
    What do you call a cow with only two legs?









    Lean beef.
  • Meaganandcheese
    Meaganandcheese Posts: 525 Member
    What do you call a cow with no legs?









    Ground beef.
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