The gym that causes me marriage stress!!
Replies
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Wow! Thats a hard situation to deal with. The problem is that your wife looks at fitness in a whole different way then you do. She has probably gone with her girlfriends before and they just do cardio and chat it up and gossip. She is looking at you as one of her girlfriends to do the same thing. You did a great job of trying to explain it to her and that you wouldn't mind doing cardio with her together on your off days. I would talk about this at home when both of you are not high on emotions like at the gym. She needs to understand that you need your time to lift weights and you need to understand that sometimes she needs a buddy (which you def understand as you were willing to compromise with cardio on your off day)
I know there was a comment on here that stated why not lift with her. Unless she was a hardcore lifter I wouldnt only because it will slow you down. You are focused on lifting and getting out. Thats why you go alone. I would understand her frustration if you went with a guy friend and just talked when you lift but you dont. You go there to work out and focus.
SO TRUE!!! Women ( and sometimes men) have a habit of transforming their significant other into an all-purpose all-the-time hangout partner. My bf did that and I had to FORCE him to hang out with the guys and I had to make it a point to spend time away from him. Even little things...going to the store alone, running alone, separating at the gym or going alone. Tell her to go with her girlfriends to Zumba and you will congratulate her with a big kiss when she's done. If my bf tries to come talk to me, I just tell him I love him and give him a kiss and he's fine, and I can go about my workout.0 -
I actually get to train my wife during my TKO class sessions (kickboxing on bags and strength training) so that's cool, but when we're in for our own training, we go our separate ways. She doesn't lift like I lift (I do split system while she likes to train whole body) and though I can dance and have great rhythm, you WON'T catch me doing Zumba for exercise.
Stand your ground and have her understand. You love your "time" like most people do when they work out.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
She obviously wants to spend time with you and thinks this is the way to do it. Is there any way you could do your thing, she could do hers, and you could meet together after for a cool-down period? Maybe a few laps around a track? Let her know that lifting is really important to you but if you try to lift and talk at the same time you could lose your concentration and get hurt. Then pick some sort of activity you can both enjoy and suggest doing that a few times a week.
BTW, the crying is the most manipulative, pathetic thing she could have done. I don't cry (especially in a public space) if I don't get what I want. I find it childish and demeaning. Grow up and talk like an adult.0 -
I am sorry. I don't know what to say. My husband is in the army so they do PT everyday 5 days a week in the morning. So he tells me I do my work outs at work, don't need to do anymore. We use to go to the work out room in our neighborhood before I got pregnant. I stopped working out once I found out I got pregnant. I started working out again in March. I do all my works outs alone. I go to the gym, the work out center in my neighborhood, my fitness dvds or wii at home alone, and curves alone. I wish I could help you on that one. I am sorry. Hopefully things will work out to you and good luck.0
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My husband has no desire to interfere with my relationship that I have with my Personal Trainer...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Hi.....Your wife sounds like an annoying, pain in the *kitten*, who is also a snotty snot who just wants attention. Ignore her attitude, and tell her to back off your alone time. she can join you after you lift for cardio or something.
It sounds like you do enough stuff with her, she needs to stop being a little brat.
Good Luck.
(PS...you should print out this entire thread and have her read it, with all the comments. other comments are great, and then maybe she would understand better)
AND----if any of you don't like what i am saying, too bad. I don't sugar coat anything. this is the real world :-)
we ALL deserve to be happy.
I spoiled her for years. I'd take her back to the store for a refund but I lost the receipt!! Crap with that comment I probably shouldn't print this topic off now!0 -
this is hilarious! You seem like a nice guy that has her feelings in mind. Hopefully she will understand!0
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At this point? Have her read all of these comments.
If she doesn't get it then, she's not going to.
Good Luck!0 -
I saw your ticker and it looks like you've made some amazing progress on your journey! Way to go!
Re: your post - I haven't had to deal with this issue personally but I've seen couples go through similar situations. Sometimes when a partner in a relationship makes such progress and changes as you have it can be a threat to the other person. This can be a deeper problem like they feel the other wants to leave them, etc but usually it's just a matter of feeling left out. It sounds like the latter with your wife ("I just want to work out with you!").
It might help to explain to her that it's not personal - exercise has become a sort of meditation for you (or whatever - you don't have to say this verbatim... I've used this metaphor before with friends before because when I'm at the gym I put in my earbuds, hit play on my WERK playlist and get into the zone). Hopefully she can understand where you're coming from.
Is it possible to include her in something but not necessarily your gym workouts (and apparently not Zumba
)? My husband and I take bike rides on the weekends together. It's leisurely and not usually a huge burn but it's exercise and it's time spent together. Even better, I don't have to alter my work out to do it! 0 -
hahahaha, I'm sorry that made me laugh, especially the "I like to pick things up and put them down" part, awesome. I feel for you. I go alone and don't want to be messed with, either, unless I'm being trained, don't talk to me. I would love for my husband to come with me to give me some pointers as to what to work, etc., but aside from being told pounds and reps, go do your thing, count my sets or just stand there and look pretty for me....0
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She obviously wants to spend time with you and thinks this is the way to do it. Is there any way you could do your thing, she could do hers, and you could meet together after for a cool-down period? Maybe a few laps around a track? Let her know that lifting is really important to you but if you try to lift and talk at the same time you could lose your concentration and get hurt. Then pick some sort of activity you can both enjoy and suggest doing that a few times a week.
BTW, the crying is the most manipulative, pathetic thing she could have done. I don't cry (especially in a public space) if I don't get what I want. I find it childish and demeaning. Grow up and talk like an adult.
I don't cry either. I think I've cried twice since I've been with my bf (7 months). He's a crier hehe ^_^ Sometimes I let him know he's throwing a tantrum. But most of the time he's just being sensitive/emotional. Some people are super sensitive and it's not intentionally manipulative.0 -
HAHA ohh gosh. I hope I am never like that to my boyfriend... although he doesn't work out so I guess that's irrelevant...
umm I think you've done a fine job of trying to accomodate her and explaining why... just keep your foot down!!! I don't think you need to compromise any part of your workout for her feelings (assuming you don't "ignore" her at home of course!)
women are silly... I apologize 0 -
When my husband and I were going to the gym together, we did our own thing and listened to our own music. I enjoyed being there with him, but not so much working out with him. He has his routine and I have mine. I think your wife needs a serious reality check if the fact that you want to do your workout alone reduces her to tears. O.o0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Please DOnt find solution and update us weekly!!..
Ive been DYING to get my hubby to do Zumbaaa, not because he needs to BUT because I NEED him tooooo .. I would freaking piss in my pants!:devil:0 -
She obviously wants to spend time with you and thinks this is the way to do it. Is there any way you could do your thing, she could do hers, and you could meet together after for a cool-down period? Maybe a few laps around a track? Let her know that lifting is really important to you but if you try to lift and talk at the same time you could lose your concentration and get hurt. Then pick some sort of activity you can both enjoy and suggest doing that a few times a week.
BTW, the crying is the most manipulative, pathetic thing she could have done. I don't cry (especially in a public space) if I don't get what I want. I find it childish and demeaning. Grow up and talk like an adult.
I don't cry either. I think I've cried twice since I've been with my bf (7 months). He's a crier hehe ^_^ Sometimes I let him know he's throwing a tantrum. But most of the time he's just being sensitive/emotional. Some people are super sensitive and it's not intentionally manipulative.
She does cry a lot, I don't think she was being manipulative. I told her she's just full of lots of hormones once thinking that would be a good comment to help make her feel better.. Let me tell you.. I'm smooooth with the ladies.. :-(0 -
Tell her to start lifting and you can "coach" her on your off days.
Well, I guess make her read "New Rules of Lifting for Women" to convince she should lift, then do it. I talk to my boyfriend all the time about lifting, just another thing we share (though we work out separately ha)
PS on the crying...maybe she's just emotional and not manipulative.0 -
Sounds to me like you've already explained it to her. If she's still got a problem then it's her problem I say.
There's only so much explanation you can give and if the other person isn't going to get it then they never will.0 -
This is the reason I usually don't like going to the gym with my girlfriends. (or at least I don't make a habit of it.) Girls I know seem to like to talk while working out. I like to be in a zone - not concentrating on conversation. Its not an excuse to socialize for me. Its almost like meditation - a time when I can be introspective.
What's interesting here is that you said the gym has always been "her" thing. From a psychological standpoint, I'm thinking she feels like she wants to control that environment. As more evidence of that, she signed you up for zumba without asking beforehand - almost like she wanted to be your schedule planner. I wonder if part of her feels like you are encroaching on HER place and she is looking to oversee you? Whatever it is, I think you at the (her) gym is making her uncomfortable, and she is trying to control the situation in order to feel better about it. I DON'T think she JUST wants to bond - if that was the case, she would be more communicative and reasonable about it. People who want to bond don't get so manipulative (crying, playing mad until they get their way.) That's more of the MO of people who are uncomfortable and trying to resolve the discomfort.
My advice is to find a different gym or location to work out. Also, have a conversation to find out if she is worried about you getting more fit (better looking) and also possibly that you might be finding interests outside of her.0 -
OMG, THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :laugh: i WISHHHHHHHHHHHHH my hub would work out with me, just ONCE! not gonna happen. not really sure on a resolution, since she seems so gung-ho @ working out with you, but NO, you're not a horrible man!0
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This is too funny ... my bf decided to do 30 day shred yesterday because I have been working out and he is worried I am getting in better shape than he is. (He is not overweight but is out of shape). His only comment (other than Jillian is a *****) was that he needs supportive underwear because he couldn't do the jumping jacks without injuring himself. Your wife needs to learn to do Zumba with her girlfriends and let you have your time alone at the gym.0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Please DOnt find solution and update us weekly!!..
Ive been DYING to get my hubby to do Zumbaaa, not because he needs to BUT because I NEED him tooooo .. I would freaking piss in my pants!:devil:
I would be the equivalent of that Asian dude on American idol at Zumba. I'd be so bad at it, they put it on youtube, It'd go viral and my life would be ruined as I would be required to do Zumba before the National Anthem at ball games.0 -
I have told my husband that I don't want to take my kids to Disney World until they are old enough to understand that there is no crying allowed. I guess I may have to stipulate that we can't take them to the gym until they figure that rule applies there too!
Seriously, I'm more emotional than the next girl, but I know better than to spring a "together zumba" session on my husband as a pleasant surprise ... Sorry man 0 -
I think you should stand your ground -- it's dangerous to be distracted when you're lifting. BUT how about making it a date some other way, like getting together for a smoothie afterwards, or something that reconnects you?
Or try taking up a different sport together outside the gym? (Or try dance lessons together?)
this is a great suggestion!0 -
She obviously wants to spend time with you and thinks this is the way to do it. Is there any way you could do your thing, she could do hers, and you could meet together after for a cool-down period? Maybe a few laps around a track? Let her know that lifting is really important to you but if you try to lift and talk at the same time you could lose your concentration and get hurt. Then pick some sort of activity you can both enjoy and suggest doing that a few times a week.
BTW, the crying is the most manipulative, pathetic thing she could have done. I don't cry (especially in a public space) if I don't get what I want. I find it childish and demeaning. Grow up and talk like an adult.
I don't cry either. I think I've cried twice since I've been with my bf (7 months). He's a crier hehe ^_^ Sometimes I let him know he's throwing a tantrum. But most of the time he's just being sensitive/emotional. Some people are super sensitive and it's not intentionally manipulative.
She does cry a lot, I don't think she was being manipulative. I told her she's just full of lots of hormones once thinking that would be a good comment to help make her feel better.. Let me tell you.. I'm smooooth with the ladies.. :-(
:laugh: Ooooh not a good line! Unless a woman tells you FIRST that she's being hormonal, anything you say like that will make her feel like you're not taking her emotions seriously. Everyone is entitled to their emotions and how they express them. Some people are 'criers'...it's just how they blow off steam. You shouldn't take it personally or feel guilty (I don't anymore). Just know that she'll get over it. Emotional people generally see things more clearly after the situation is over.0 -
I know it sucks for you, but I had to crack up a bit :laugh: . I LOVE hanging out with my husband but I don't like going to the gym with him, because although we don't talk and we do our own thing, I feel like I can concentrate more when I'm there 'alone' and he feels the same way. We work out at home seperately and it works for us. Good luck, hopefully she'll calm down and bit.0
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Hi.....Your wife sounds like an annoying, pain in the *kitten*, who is also a snotty snot who just wants attention. Ignore her attitude, and tell her to back off your alone time. she can join you after you lift for cardio or something.
It sounds like you do enough stuff with her, she needs to stop being a little brat.
Good Luck.
(PS...you should print out this entire thread and have her read it, with all the comments. other comments are great, and then maybe she would understand better)
AND----if any of you don't like what i am saying, too bad. I don't sugar coat anything. this is the real world :-)
we ALL deserve to be happy.
ouch, a bit harsh, no? I feel for him, but sheesh....0 -
I'm sooooo getting back to you on this ! Just read it .. but am off to the gym to pick up heavy things and put them down.
No ZUMBA for me either ! EGADS !0 -
I don't know dude sounds like she needs to get a grip. You could suggest she lift heavy with you but she should let you do your thing. I wouldn't want to work out with my DH with us though he'd be in Zumba and I'd be loading up the weights. Honestly though she needs to let you do your thing. She needs to understand that you work out differently than she does and you are doing what works for you. Nothing wrong with driving there together and coming home together and doing your own things while you are there.0
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///Tribiani voice///I feel your pain. I'm pretty much at the gym to get tea-bagged by my spotter when I bench-press, so yeah... having my wife there would be pretty awkward.
LMAO......Nothing like getting tea bagged first thing in the morning to make your day!
how YOU doin'?0 -
Buy her "New Rules of Lifting for Women" to empower her and motivate her to do her own thing without being right next to you, then set a day or two on non-lifting days to do cardio together. You might have to take a day to introduce her to the weights, but it would benefit both of you in the long run!
I actually had the same problem, but minus the hysterics. Hubby wanted to work out with me, but isn't as into it as I am, so he was getting upset that I wouldn't be done on the treadmill at the same time as him, and therefore w.s not in the weight area at the same time.
Instead, I convinced him to do NROLFW with me (ha! I use heavier weights than he does!) and I do cardio on my own on my non-lifting days.0
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