The gym that causes me marriage stress!!

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  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    Wow! Thats a hard situation to deal with. The problem is that your wife looks at fitness in a whole different way then you do. She has probably gone with her girlfriends before and they just do cardio and chat it up and gossip. She is looking at you as one of her girlfriends to do the same thing. You did a great job of trying to explain it to her and that you wouldn't mind doing cardio with her together on your off days. I would talk about this at home when both of you are not high on emotions like at the gym. She needs to understand that you need your time to lift weights and you need to understand that sometimes she needs a buddy (which you def understand as you were willing to compromise with cardio on your off day)

    I know there was a comment on here that stated why not lift with her. Unless she was a hardcore lifter I wouldnt only because it will slow you down. You are focused on lifting and getting out. Thats why you go alone. I would understand her frustration if you went with a guy friend and just talked when you lift but you dont. You go there to work out and focus.

    SO TRUE!!! Women ( and sometimes men) have a habit of transforming their significant other into an all-purpose all-the-time hangout partner. My bf did that and I had to FORCE him to hang out with the guys and I had to make it a point to spend time away from him. Even little things...going to the store alone, running alone, separating at the gym or going alone. Tell her to go with her girlfriends to Zumba and you will congratulate her with a big kiss when she's done. If my bf tries to come talk to me, I just tell him I love him and give him a kiss and he's fine, and I can go about my workout.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,622 Member
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    I actually get to train my wife during my TKO class sessions (kickboxing on bags and strength training) so that's cool, but when we're in for our own training, we go our separate ways. She doesn't lift like I lift (I do split system while she likes to train whole body) and though I can dance and have great rhythm, you WON'T catch me doing Zumba for exercise.
    Stand your ground and have her understand. You love your "time" like most people do when they work out.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • zenchild
    zenchild Posts: 680 Member
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    She obviously wants to spend time with you and thinks this is the way to do it. Is there any way you could do your thing, she could do hers, and you could meet together after for a cool-down period? Maybe a few laps around a track? Let her know that lifting is really important to you but if you try to lift and talk at the same time you could lose your concentration and get hurt. Then pick some sort of activity you can both enjoy and suggest doing that a few times a week.
    BTW, the crying is the most manipulative, pathetic thing she could have done. I don't cry (especially in a public space) if I don't get what I want. I find it childish and demeaning. Grow up and talk like an adult.
  • Iansmommy123011
    Iansmommy123011 Posts: 872 Member
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    I am sorry. I don't know what to say. My husband is in the army so they do PT everyday 5 days a week in the morning. So he tells me I do my work outs at work, don't need to do anymore. We use to go to the work out room in our neighborhood before I got pregnant. I stopped working out once I found out I got pregnant. I started working out again in March. I do all my works outs alone. I go to the gym, the work out center in my neighborhood, my fitness dvds or wii at home alone, and curves alone. I wish I could help you on that one. I am sorry. Hopefully things will work out to you and good luck.
  • staceyseeger
    staceyseeger Posts: 783 Member
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    My husband has no desire to interfere with my relationship that I have with my Personal Trainer...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
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    Hi.....Your wife sounds like an annoying, pain in the *kitten*, who is also a snotty snot who just wants attention. Ignore her attitude, and tell her to back off your alone time. she can join you after you lift for cardio or something.
    It sounds like you do enough stuff with her, she needs to stop being a little brat.

    Good Luck. :smile:

    (PS...you should print out this entire thread and have her read it, with all the comments. other comments are great, and then maybe she would understand better)

    AND----if any of you don't like what i am saying, too bad. I don't sugar coat anything. this is the real world :-)
    we ALL deserve to be happy.

    I spoiled her for years. I'd take her back to the store for a refund but I lost the receipt!! Crap with that comment I probably shouldn't print this topic off now!
  • simplyblessed5
    simplyblessed5 Posts: 130 Member
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    this is hilarious! You seem like a nice guy that has her feelings in mind. Hopefully she will understand!
  • CityOnAHill
    CityOnAHill Posts: 136 Member
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    At this point? Have her read all of these comments.
    If she doesn't get it then, she's not going to.
    Good Luck!
  • turbophoenix
    turbophoenix Posts: 152
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    I saw your ticker and it looks like you've made some amazing progress on your journey! Way to go!

    Re: your post - I haven't had to deal with this issue personally but I've seen couples go through similar situations. Sometimes when a partner in a relationship makes such progress and changes as you have it can be a threat to the other person. This can be a deeper problem like they feel the other wants to leave them, etc but usually it's just a matter of feeling left out. It sounds like the latter with your wife ("I just want to work out with you!").

    It might help to explain to her that it's not personal - exercise has become a sort of meditation for you (or whatever - you don't have to say this verbatim... I've used this metaphor before with friends before because when I'm at the gym I put in my earbuds, hit play on my WERK playlist and get into the zone). Hopefully she can understand where you're coming from.

    Is it possible to include her in something but not necessarily your gym workouts (and apparently not Zumba :wink: )? My husband and I take bike rides on the weekends together. It's leisurely and not usually a huge burn but it's exercise and it's time spent together. Even better, I don't have to alter my work out to do it!
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    hahahaha, I'm sorry that made me laugh, especially the "I like to pick things up and put them down" part, awesome. I feel for you. I go alone and don't want to be messed with, either, unless I'm being trained, don't talk to me. I would love for my husband to come with me to give me some pointers as to what to work, etc., but aside from being told pounds and reps, go do your thing, count my sets or just stand there and look pretty for me....
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    She obviously wants to spend time with you and thinks this is the way to do it. Is there any way you could do your thing, she could do hers, and you could meet together after for a cool-down period? Maybe a few laps around a track? Let her know that lifting is really important to you but if you try to lift and talk at the same time you could lose your concentration and get hurt. Then pick some sort of activity you can both enjoy and suggest doing that a few times a week.
    BTW, the crying is the most manipulative, pathetic thing she could have done. I don't cry (especially in a public space) if I don't get what I want. I find it childish and demeaning. Grow up and talk like an adult.

    I don't cry either. I think I've cried twice since I've been with my bf (7 months). He's a crier hehe ^_^ Sometimes I let him know he's throwing a tantrum. But most of the time he's just being sensitive/emotional. Some people are super sensitive and it's not intentionally manipulative.
  • squishycow7
    squishycow7 Posts: 820 Member
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    HAHA ohh gosh. I hope I am never like that to my boyfriend... although he doesn't work out so I guess that's irrelevant...


    umm I think you've done a fine job of trying to accomodate her and explaining why... just keep your foot down!!! I don't think you need to compromise any part of your workout for her feelings (assuming you don't "ignore" her at home of course!)

    women are silly... I apologize :)
  • Natty0506
    Natty0506 Posts: 103 Member
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    When my husband and I were going to the gym together, we did our own thing and listened to our own music. I enjoyed being there with him, but not so much working out with him. He has his routine and I have mine. I think your wife needs a serious reality check if the fact that you want to do your workout alone reduces her to tears. O.o
  • beabelieve
    beabelieve Posts: 112
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    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


    Please DOnt find solution and update us weekly!!..

    Ive been DYING to get my hubby to do Zumbaaa, not because he needs to BUT because I NEED him tooooo .. I would freaking piss in my pants!:devil:
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
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    She obviously wants to spend time with you and thinks this is the way to do it. Is there any way you could do your thing, she could do hers, and you could meet together after for a cool-down period? Maybe a few laps around a track? Let her know that lifting is really important to you but if you try to lift and talk at the same time you could lose your concentration and get hurt. Then pick some sort of activity you can both enjoy and suggest doing that a few times a week.
    BTW, the crying is the most manipulative, pathetic thing she could have done. I don't cry (especially in a public space) if I don't get what I want. I find it childish and demeaning. Grow up and talk like an adult.

    I don't cry either. I think I've cried twice since I've been with my bf (7 months). He's a crier hehe ^_^ Sometimes I let him know he's throwing a tantrum. But most of the time he's just being sensitive/emotional. Some people are super sensitive and it's not intentionally manipulative.

    She does cry a lot, I don't think she was being manipulative. I told her she's just full of lots of hormones once thinking that would be a good comment to help make her feel better.. Let me tell you.. I'm smooooth with the ladies.. :-(
  • chuisle
    chuisle Posts: 1,052 Member
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    Tell her to start lifting and you can "coach" her on your off days.

    Well, I guess make her read "New Rules of Lifting for Women" to convince she should lift, then do it. I talk to my boyfriend all the time about lifting, just another thing we share (though we work out separately ha)

    PS on the crying...maybe she's just emotional and not manipulative.
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
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    Sounds to me like you've already explained it to her. If she's still got a problem then it's her problem I say.

    There's only so much explanation you can give and if the other person isn't going to get it then they never will.
  • wingednotes
    wingednotes Posts: 279
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    This is the reason I usually don't like going to the gym with my girlfriends. (or at least I don't make a habit of it.) Girls I know seem to like to talk while working out. I like to be in a zone - not concentrating on conversation. Its not an excuse to socialize for me. Its almost like meditation - a time when I can be introspective.
    What's interesting here is that you said the gym has always been "her" thing. From a psychological standpoint, I'm thinking she feels like she wants to control that environment. As more evidence of that, she signed you up for zumba without asking beforehand - almost like she wanted to be your schedule planner. I wonder if part of her feels like you are encroaching on HER place and she is looking to oversee you? Whatever it is, I think you at the (her) gym is making her uncomfortable, and she is trying to control the situation in order to feel better about it. I DON'T think she JUST wants to bond - if that was the case, she would be more communicative and reasonable about it. People who want to bond don't get so manipulative (crying, playing mad until they get their way.) That's more of the MO of people who are uncomfortable and trying to resolve the discomfort.
    My advice is to find a different gym or location to work out. Also, have a conversation to find out if she is worried about you getting more fit (better looking) and also possibly that you might be finding interests outside of her.
  • jdsmom0104
    jdsmom0104 Posts: 236
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    OMG, THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :laugh: i WISHHHHHHHHHHHHH my hub would work out with me, just ONCE! not gonna happen. not really sure on a resolution, since she seems so gung-ho @ working out with you, but NO, you're not a horrible man!
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
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    This is too funny ... my bf decided to do 30 day shred yesterday because I have been working out and he is worried I am getting in better shape than he is. (He is not overweight but is out of shape). His only comment (other than Jillian is a *****) was that he needs supportive underwear because he couldn't do the jumping jacks without injuring himself. Your wife needs to learn to do Zumba with her girlfriends and let you have your time alone at the gym.

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