Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

theNurseNancy

I think it depends on the mother...Me, even if I could stay at home financially..Mentally I couldn't handle it I tried and after 3 months of just taking care of kids housework shopping and cleaning I was insane, depressed and so moody my husband couldn't stand me. I need to be working.

My mom still stays at home, she watches the kids for me while I work. I just feel trapped and stir crazy so what ever is best for mom is best for the family

Yay for this post!

Jersey_Devil

There should be a group for SAHParents. I see a couple for
Mom's, one for Dads. (which only has one member) Why can't
there be one for both?

i'm down for it. are you volunteering to start it? lol

I wouldn't know where to begin!

lol suurrrreeeeeee

namenumber

I'm not a parent, so I can't comment on that part, but my mom is a stay at home mom. I'm in college now, but my mom is there for my younger sister. My mom worked up until she had me, and she tried to go back to work after I was born, but after a few weeks back she quit because she didn't want to be away from me and have to put me in daycare or leave me with a sitter and have someone else raise her child.

I'm so glad she was a stay at home mom. I have a lot of really good memories of growing up, made possible because she stayed at home. When I was little, she was always there to take me to my piano lessons and friend's houses, she took me to the library at least once a week, she took me to museums and the zoo or did crafts with me. We didn't go on vacations or have super nice cars, but I always knew my mom would be there for me if I had a bad day or if I needed to go to one of my many after-school activities.

Both of my best friend's parents work, not out of necessity, but my best friend grew up with a nanny every day after school, and then as she got older she would be by herself when she got home. Her parents are really good parents, but there have been a number of times where she mentioned to me that she wished she had a relationship with her mom the way I do with mine.

My mom's not my "friend" (the "cool mom" in Mean Girls, anyone?) or any of those shenanigans, but I feel like I have a better connection with her than other people I know have with their parents who worked. I really appreciate all that she did and still does for me and for my sister. It was nice never having to be the person whose parents are late because they're still at work, or having to try and find a ride home with someone, or coming home to a sitter or an empty house. I feel like I can talk to her about way more stuff than my best friend can talk about with her mom because I'm a lot closer to my mom.

My parents chose for my mom to stay at home, because it's what they thought was best. My mom really wanted to stay with me. I understand that some people would probably feel "trapped" or something like that, and it's really dependent on your personality and your situation. I just know that I was very lucky to have a SAHM

ki4yxo

There should be a group for SAHParents. I see a couple for
Mom's, one for Dads. (which only has one member) Why can't
there be one for both?

i'm down for it. are you volunteering to start it? lol

I wouldn't know where to begin!

lol suurrrreeeeeee

It says I need to find 3 people to create this group.

Anyone else in?

modernmom70

Also, why does a woman have to feel that their knowledge and intellect is being wasted at home? SAHM are the CFO, CTO and COO rolled into one.

I am a manager at work and all of those things at home!

MommyRobot

I feel like such a weirdo here! Am I the only woman alive who has zero interest in being a stay at home mom???

Not the only, but always in the minority!!

As almost everyone else has said, it's a personal choice that only your family can make. Everyone comes from a different set of beliefs. My mom was both a stay at home and a work out of home mom, and I didn't suffer for either. Obviously, you'll hear 'bad' stories from both sides. There are working moms who don't care and can't (or don't want to) juggle everything and let their families suffer instead of their careers, and there are stay at home moms who sit home, play on facebook and ignore their kids and households all day.

I'm a full time working mama and have been since my little man was 2 months old. My hubs does make enough that I could stay home, but personally, I like contributing to our household income. I like the idea that if my marriage ever went sour (and I don't think it will happen, but always plan for a storm, right?), I could support myself and my child. I wouldn't have to scramble and struggle to make it through, financially anyway. We also think that it's important that our son (and any future children) have a good work ethic, and we lead by example. Also, I'm one of the lucky ones who really does love their career.

[Now, I don't want to get flamed, so please remember, this is in no way saying that the child of a family with a sahp won't have a good work ethic or whatever, it's just how we feel for our family.]

A lot of moms faced with this decision worry about missing the firsts, I was one of them! The first time I see it though, is always going to be his first for me. For all I know, he could have pulled himself up in his crib and and perfected his little strut while I was asleep before he decided to show off those new moves. The other issue that weighs in heavy is the "someone else raising our kids" bit. Well, I just don't believe it, and never have. This didn't even cross my mind when deciding whether to stay home or go back to work. My husband and I raise our son. End of story. The daycare provider (when he was in daycare) watches him. She feeds him, plays with him, changes his diapers, etc. She isn't teaching him his morals, values and beliefs. We do that at home. She isn't teaching him his letters and numbers and whatever else. We teach him at home, and when he's there she is reinforcing what we've already taught. So again, just my opinion, but those are the things that matter (to us), not who is changing his 10 o'clock diaper.

I'm not sure who said earlier that you can't work and "be there" for your child, but I'd like to point out that this statement is 100% false. I'm very much there for my son, and so is my husband who also works outside the home. I can't imagine a sahm telling her husband that because he works he isn't there for his kids. Sure, it's tough to work all day, make sure a good, healthy dinner is on the table every day, workout every day and find time to still be the Robin to my son's Batman while he's playing every day, but it's certainly doable. It just depends on how dedicated you are to making it work.

poesch77

I worked full time until my oldest ( who is now almost 7) was 10 months then I went down to 30 hours per wk sometimes filling in for vacations for 5 different people so basically still 40 hours per wk. When she was about to start 4k I went down to 25 hours per wk and switched jobs. My husband stated working out of town in the summer only home on the weekends when she was in kindergarten and I switched jobs again and worked 10-15 hours per wk. I soon become pregnant with baby #2 when oldest was 5. I quit work at 7 1/2 months pregnant as physically exhausting it was ( I worked in a daycare at that point) and my belly was severely large! I now stay at home and love it! My husband makes more now then when we both worked fulltime so it works out good plus daycare is WAY too expensive! We have always shared money so I feel no guilt spending the hard earned cash for our family! I have a very important job and he could never do what I do. Staying at home sometimes is exhausting....work would be a great escape but I get to volunteer at my daughter's school and go on field trips......stay at home when she is sick without getting the wrath of my old boss, who would say I needed a backup plan for a sick kid.......watch my baby grow and explore.I missed out on my oldest on alot of her "firsts" being at work. Staying at home isnt for everyone but it would not pay if I worked at the cost of daycare.....

1Timothy4v8

you can't really look at it like depending on him, cause you will be working and that means that you deserve payment for that work, and unlike your hubby you wont be able to clock out, you all should come up with a plan of how much "free" money you each can have and spend a month, it should be non nogotionable,

trijoe

I'm a stay at home dad. When our oldest was born, 10 years ago, I started working part time. When our twins were born 7 years ago, I stayed at home. Saved us tons of money. I've been a SAHD ever since.

It is without a doubt the loneliest, toughest, saddest, most disrespected job I've ever held. Ever. My beautiful, amazing wife toward whom I fall in love again every day works hellishly long hours, and almost always comes home in a foul mood. No matter what I get done around the house, all she sees when she gets home is what WASN'T done, or what got done and then messed up again once the kids got home. There's no pay. There's no reward. There's no appreciation. There's no acknowledgement. There's no understanding. And there's no break from it. When your'e a stay at home parent, it's 24/7. Your spouse comes home from his/her job. You're ALREADY AT yours. I cannot count the days when I'll feel like everything's spotless by noon, only to stare straight at total destruction by bedtime. It's a constant battle against "Why Bother?..."

With that said? I'd never change any of it. Oh sure, there have been some times here or there where my wife and/or I could have handled things better, but isn't that a part of Life? I would do it all again, if faced with the same decisions. And I would do it again with even more vim and vigor.

Sacrifice is what you make of it. And for me, the true sacrifice would be "going back to work" when I could be raising my family instead. What a loss that would be...

taylmarie

you can't really look at it like depending on him, cause you will be working and that means that you deserve payment for that work, and unlike your hubby you wont be able to clock out, you all should come up with a plan of how much "free" money you each can have and spend a month, it should be non nogotionable,

This is similar to what my husband said when I brought up the question. We agreed that we would be depending on each other for different, but equally important things. I think I a plan is a good idea though as far as spending Thanks for your response.

taylmarie

I'm a stay at home dad. When our oldest was born, 10 years ago, I started working part time. When our twins were born 7 years ago, I stayed at home. Saved us tons of money. I've been a SAHD ever since.

It is without a doubt the loneliest, toughest, saddest, most disrespected job I've ever held. Ever. My beautiful, amazing wife toward whom I fall in love again every day works hellishly long hours, and almost always comes home in a foul mood. No matter what I get done around the house, all she sees when she gets home is what WASN'T done, or what got done and then messed up again once the kids got home. There's no pay. There's no reward. There's no appreciation. There's no acknowledgement. There's no understanding. And there's no break from it. When your'e a stay at home parent, it's 24/7. Your spouse comes home from his/her job. You're ALREADY AT yours. I cannot count the days when I'll feel like everything's spotless by noon, only to stare straight at total destruction by bedtime. It's a constant battle against "Why Bother?..."

With that said? I'd never change any of it. Oh sure, there have been some times here or there where my wife and/or I could have handled things better, but isn't that a part of Life? I would do it all again, if faced with the same decisions. And I would do it again with even more vim and vigor.

Sacrifice is what you make of it. And for me, the true sacrifice would be "going back to work" when I could be raising my family instead. What a loss that would be...

Thank you. A great response. I am happy to hear you would do it the same if faced with the decision again. Surely, your wife appreciates all that you do.

taylmarie

I feel like such a weirdo here! Am I the only woman alive who has zero interest in being a stay at home mom???

Not the only, but always in the minority!!

As almost everyone else has said, it's a personal choice that only your family can make. Everyone comes from a different set of beliefs. My mom was both a stay at home and a work out of home mom, and I didn't suffer for either. Obviously, you'll hear 'bad' stories from both sides. There are working moms who don't care and can't (or don't want to) juggle everything and let their families suffer instead of their careers, and there are stay at home moms who sit home, play on facebook and ignore their kids and households all day.

I'm a full time working mama and have been since my little man was 2 months old. My hubs does make enough that I could stay home, but personally, I like contributing to our household income. I like the idea that if my marriage ever went sour (and I don't think it will happen, but always plan for a storm, right?), I could support myself and my child. I wouldn't have to scramble and struggle to make it through, financially anyway. We also think that it's important that our son (and any future children) have a good work ethic, and we lead by example. Also, I'm one of the lucky ones who really does love their career.

[Now, I don't want to get flamed, so please remember, this is in no way saying that the child of a family with a sahp won't have a good work ethic or whatever, it's just how we feel for our family.]

A lot of moms faced with this decision worry about missing the firsts, I was one of them! The first time I see it though, is always going to be his first for me. For all I know, he could have pulled himself up in his crib and and perfected his little strut while I was asleep before he decided to show off those new moves. The other issue that weighs in heavy is the "someone else raising our kids" bit. Well, I just don't believe it, and never have. This didn't even cross my mind when deciding whether to stay home or go back to work. My husband and I raise our son. End of story. The daycare provider (when he was in daycare) watches him. She feeds him, plays with him, changes his diapers, etc. She isn't teaching him his morals, values and beliefs. We do that at home. She isn't teaching him his letters and numbers and whatever else. We teach him at home, and when he's there she is reinforcing what we've already taught. So again, just my opinion, but those are the things that matter (to us), not who is changing his 10 o'clock diaper.

I'm not sure who said earlier that you can't work and "be there" for your child, but I'd like to point out that this statement is 100% false. I'm very much there for my son, and so is my husband who also works outside the home. I can't imagine a sahm telling her husband that because he works he isn't there for his kids. Sure, it's tough to work all day, make sure a good, healthy dinner is on the table every day, workout every day and find time to still be the Robin to my son's Batman while he's playing every day, but it's certainly doable. It just depends on how dedicated you are to making it work.

You make valid points (and will get no flaming from me). I also agree that we as parents raise our own children even if they are in daycare. We enrolled our son in pre-school at the age of 2. I would have preferred part-time but my work hours meant he had full days 8:30-5:00. Of course I missed him but I never felt like I was doing him wrong or not being there for him because I worked.

As you touched on, you and your husband choose to teach work-ethic by both having careers. My parents both had careers and I appreciate and think I have inherited their work ethic. In our situation it is likely that my husbands work demands will mean him missing a lot of family time and I feel one of us needs to be available. I know it is possible to do both, I do it now. Our thinking is if my husband will make more than enough to support our family, I should have a career only if it is my passion and I can't see myself without it. In our case it seems more important that I will be there to help with homework, dinner, extra-curricular etc without the added stress of a career when my husband most often wont be around for a lot of that stuff. If we were both going to work simple 9-5's, I don't think I would even consider staying home. If he decides to be an Obstetrician, he will be on call all the time!

I appreciate your response, I love that you are the Robin to his Batman

taylmarie

I'm not a parent, so I can't comment on that part, but my mom is a stay at home mom. I'm in college now, but my mom is there for my younger sister. My mom worked up until she had me, and she tried to go back to work after I was born, but after a few weeks back she quit because she didn't want to be away from me and have to put me in daycare or leave me with a sitter and have someone else raise her child.

I'm so glad she was a stay at home mom. I have a lot of really good memories of growing up, made possible because she stayed at home. When I was little, she was always there to take me to my piano lessons and friend's houses, she took me to the library at least once a week, she took me to museums and the zoo or did crafts with me. We didn't go on vacations or have super nice cars, but I always knew my mom would be there for me if I had a bad day or if I needed to go to one of my many after-school activities.

Both of my best friend's parents work, not out of necessity, but my best friend grew up with a nanny every day after school, and then as she got older she would be by herself when she got home. Her parents are really good parents, but there have been a number of times where she mentioned to me that she wished she had a relationship with her mom the way I do with mine.

My mom's not my "friend" (the "cool mom" in Mean Girls, anyone?) or any of those shenanigans, but I feel like I have a better connection with her than other people I know have with their parents who worked. I really appreciate all that she did and still does for me and for my sister. It was nice never having to be the person whose parents are late because they're still at work, or having to try and find a ride home with someone, or coming home to a sitter or an empty house. I feel like I can talk to her about way more stuff than my best friend can talk about with her mom because I'm a lot closer to my mom.

My parents chose for my mom to stay at home, because it's what they thought was best. My mom really wanted to stay with me. I understand that some people would probably feel "trapped" or something like that, and it's really dependent on your personality and your situation. I just know that I was very lucky to have a SAHM

I love that you chimed in as the child of a SAHM. How nice that you appreciate her they way that you do. I would love to be able to pick up my son after school when he had a bad day. I also do feel like we would have a closer relationship if I were there for him. The reality is that there are very few jobs with hours that match school days, my parents were always home hours after we were. Thanks for your response, very sweet

HungryMom

It is without a doubt the loneliest, toughest, saddest, most disrespected job I've ever held. Ever. My beautiful, amazing wife toward whom I fall in love again every day works hellishly long hours, and almost always comes home in a foul mood. No matter what I get done around the house, all she sees when she gets home is what WASN'T done, or what got done and then messed up again once the kids got home. There's no pay. There's no reward. There's no appreciation. There's no acknowledgement. There's no understanding. And there's no break from it. When your'e a stay at home parent, it's 24/7. Your spouse comes home from his/her job. You're ALREADY AT yours. I cannot count the days when I'll feel like everything's spotless by noon, only to stare straight at total destruction by bedtime. It's a constant battle against "Why Bother?..."

With that said? I'd never change any of it. Oh sure, there have been some times here or there where my wife and/or I could have handled things better, but isn't that a part of Life? I would do it all again, if faced with the same decisions. And I would do it again with even more vim and vigor.

Sacrifice is what you make of it. And for me, the true sacrifice would be "going back to work" when I could be raising my family instead. What a loss that would be...

^ This!

AlbaAngel25

Bumpin'

LilynEdensmom

what ever is best for mom is best for the family

What an interesting idea. We function as a unit in my household. Whatever is best for the family is best for the family.

Most definitely. I thought being a mom was about putting others first-maybe not obsessively, but for the most part.

What I meant by saying this was that if mom is so depressed and down b/c she feels stuck and trapped even if some people think its best she stay home..How is seeing mommy crying in all the time or never smiling or to exhausted from depression to get out of bed good for well her first of all, the kids or anyone....
Women are made to feel so guilty if they want a life out side of their family once they have them and the sad part is it is usually b/c of other women.

love2cycle

Also, why does a woman have to feel that their knowledge and intellect is being wasted at home? SAHM are the CFO, CTO and COO rolled into one.

I am a manager at work and all of those things at home!

I heard on the news the other day that if stay at home moms were paid, based on a 95 hour work week, they would be paid $114,000 a year! I would like to multiply that by 24! Woo hoo!

HiKaren

There is no more important job in life than that of being a parent. When you look at gravestones they dont say "Beloved Manager/Doctor/Lawyer"

:ohwell:

ishallnotwant

what ever is best for mom is best for the family

What an interesting idea. We function as a unit in my household. Whatever is best for the family is best for the family.

Most definitely. I thought being a mom was about putting others first-maybe not obsessively, but for the most part.

What I meant by saying this was that if mom is so depressed and down b/c she feels stuck and trapped even if some people think its best she stay home..How is seeing mommy crying in all the time or never smiling or to exhausted from depression to get out of bed good for well her first of all, the kids or anyone....
Women are made to feel so guilty if they want a life out side of their family once they have them and the sad part is it is usually b/c of other women.

While I was kind of taken aback at your first post, because I wasn't sure how it was meant, I agree with you so much on this:

"Women are made to feel so guilty if they want a life out side of their family once they have them and the sad part is it is usually b/c of other women."

We are so hard on each other...bashing each other for the silliest things...it makes me sad to think about how women treat each other. I don't know if it's something we've always done, or if it is more rampant nowadays, but it can be downright discouraging. /OT

bunsen_honeydew

To people suggesting a career in school teaching for the "short hours" - I don't know of any teacher who actually finishes work at 3.30pm when the children go home. The ones who also have their own children end up having to do their after hours when the kids are asleep, or they stay late at school to work.

Also, why is it that when people discuss the finances of daycare, shouldn't the cost of daycare be "shared" by both working parents? It's not as if parent 1 earns £3000, and parent 2 earns £1000 and the £900 daycare cost has to be paid out of parent 2's income so therefore she/he "only" earns £100 and so it's not "worth it". Surely you would think OK from an income of £4000 we pay £900 for daycare, so we are still getting £3100 TOGETHER, and it is "worth it" to not have the one parent missing years out of the work force and the subsequent detriment to their future career.