Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

BAMFMeredith

what ever is best for mom is best for the family

What an interesting idea. We function as a unit in my household. Whatever is best for the family is best for the family.

Most definitely. I thought being a mom was about putting others first-maybe not obsessively, but for the most part.

What I meant by saying this was that if mom is so depressed and down b/c she feels stuck and trapped even if some people think its best she stay home..How is seeing mommy crying in all the time or never smiling or to exhausted from depression to get out of bed good for well her first of all, the kids or anyone....
Women are made to feel so guilty if they want a life out side of their family once they have them and the sad part is it is usually b/c of other women.

While I was kind of taken aback at your first post, because I wasn't sure how it was meant, I agree with you so much on this:

"Women are made to feel so guilty if they want a life out side of their family once they have them and the sad part is it is usually b/c of other women."

We are so hard on each other...bashing each other for the silliest things...it makes me sad to think about how women treat each other. I don't know if it's something we've always done, or if it is more rampant nowadays, but it can be downright discouraging. /OT

SO TRUE.

I have been made to feel like this monster who hates my kid by other women because I would rather work outside the home than be a SAHM. I come from a long line of women who work. My mother worked, my grandmother worked (she left home at 18 and took the train from a small TX town to Los Angeles, got a job downtown, and lived there while my grandfather was in the Navy. At 80 years old, she is just now retiring for the 2nd time....she kept working after her first retirement because she said "well, what else am I gonna do all day?"). I just never really felt like staying home was for me.

Yes, I work full time. My career is kick *kitten*. And know what? I'm still the one who wakes my sweet boy up in the mornings and takes him to school. I'm the one who takes him to t-ball games and practice (have never missed one!), I bake cookies with him, read him stories every night, take him to church on Sundays, have a healthy dinner on the table at night, etc. I do ALL those things, not a nanny, not a daycare provider, I do them. I am very fortunate to have such a generous employer that doesn't mind if I have to take off early to get him to t-ball, or if I have to leave because he's sick at school or something. I save up vacation days to spend a few days with him at Christmas and to take him to the beach every summer. That's what my parents did for me (they both worked) and I have zero memory of them ever being "absent" in any way. I've also got a college fund set up for him, retirement, excellent health coverage, and short term disability benefits that will enable me to take off work for 3 months (fully paid) should I decide to have another child in the future. I just wish women from BOTH sides would realize that your way/my way is not better, it's just different.

Gwenski

I was a SAHM for 18 years. I never regretted the level of care and devotion I gave to our daughter It also allowed me to volunteer in our community a lot and helped my mom after my dad died. We made some financial sacrifices in order to be able to manage it,
I would say, do what is best for your child and YOU. If working energizes you and gives you more esteem.. by all means, find excellent child care and go for it. If you feel like your child will do best with you or hubby at home and both of you can handle the impact of that on your life.. then, that's the thing to do. Sadly, 50% of marriages end in divorce.. if that were to happen, would you be able to step back into your career and provide for yourself and your child? lots to think about.
There were some disadvantages in my case. We certainly didn't live the lifestyle of those families with two incomes, and, at times, my daughter resented that (especially in the teen years). She even admitted there were times she was ashamed of me because I 'didn't have a career like all the other moms' That was quite a slap in the face when we made the choice with her best interests in mind. There were some folks who looked down on me (for some reason this decision, plus the fact that I 'didn't work' plus being overweight seemed to give people the right to think I was stupid and lazy - neither is true - I am well educated and very active)
Some teachers who became aware of our choice judged us , and even though I was no more involved in school activities etc. would accuse me of being 'over-protective' of my child.
If anyone asked what I did and I said I was a SAHM, I'd often get the comment "must me NICE to sit at home all day" like they resented me, and they couldn't picture all the things I did. Many had the same choice (some didn't.. I have a tender heart and deeply admire those who raise children on their own,and truly ache for two parents who both need to work to provide for the needs of their family.
All the best, whatever path you choose.

taylmarie

To people suggesting a career in school teaching for the "short hours" - I don't know of any teacher who actually finishes work at 3.30pm when the children go home. The ones who also have their own children end up having to do their after hours when the kids are asleep, or they stay late at school to work.

Also, why is it that when people discuss the finances of daycare, shouldn't the cost of daycare be "shared" by both working parents? It's not as if parent 1 earns £3000, and parent 2 earns £1000 and the £900 daycare cost has to be paid out of parent 2's income so therefore she/he "only" earns £100 and so it's not "worth it". Surely you would think OK from an income of £4000 we pay £900 for daycare, so we are still getting £3100 TOGETHER, and it is "worth it" to not have the one parent missing years out of the work force and the subsequent detriment to their future career.

I see what your saying. I do know that teachers work long hours, much longer than the school day. But, in most cases they can leave at the end of the school and pick their children up (if they are a parent), they have the same breaks and most of the summer off if they choose. For me, I would rather do some work at home and be able to pick my child up, be home with plenty of time to make dinner, help with homework and do some work in the evening as opposed to being in the office until 5 or 6 and never having the summer off. My point was that in my opinion, there is no job that will closer match a child's school hours.

And certainly the cost of daycare is shared. I think the point some are making is that maybe they would rather stay home and if one persons income is only slightly over the cost of daycare, by the time they pay for daycare, gas or other work expenses, they could stay home with their child and still have the same amount of income coming in. Hypothetically, if one makes $60,000 and one makes $20,000 and day care costs $18,000 a year, once you add in gas and expense you are working to send your kid to daycare. If you work, after daycare expenses you have a household income of $60,000. If you don't work, you have a household income of $60,000. In which case, if you prefer to stay home, you should.

And I agree, it can be burdening to a career to take some time off to be a stay at home parent. Like anything else, it's a trade off. For some people it is worth it, for some it is not. I do not believe there is a right or wrong answer. I know happy successful people who have grown up in all different types of homes. To each his own.

Thanks for your response

tinana_RN

Go with your heart and gut. We (my sisters and I) always wished that our mama could have stayed home with us, but both of our parents worked full time. I am a nurse and work 2 12-hour shifts a week, and that's more than enough for me (our kids are 2 and 4).


You could always return to work when they're a little bit older.

traci0620

I am a SAHM and will be until my youngest hits Kindergarten. My husband and I agreed that this was best for our family. There are times that we wixh we had a second income, but I think our kids are benefitting from having a parent home. I don't think that not having a stay at home parent will hurt a child however. There are many great kids out there who went to day care. Having a strong relationship with your children no matter how often you are with them is the key. Being a SAHM has to be right for you and your family so just consider it carefully with your husband or maybe try it out for a while before making the full on commitment.

taylmarie

I was a SAHM for 18 years. I never regretted the level of care and devotion I gave to our daughter It also allowed me to volunteer in our community a lot and helped my mom after my dad died. We made some financial sacrifices in order to be able to manage it,
I would say, do what is best for your child and YOU. If working energizes you and gives you more esteem.. by all means, find excellent child care and go for it. If you feel like your child will do best with you or hubby at home and both of you can handle the impact of that on your life.. then, that's the thing to do. Sadly, 50% of marriages end in divorce.. if that were to happen, would you be able to step back into your career and provide for yourself and your child? lots to think about.
There were some disadvantages in my case. We certainly didn't live the lifestyle of those families with two incomes, and, at times, my daughter resented that (especially in the teen years). She even admitted there were times she was ashamed of me because I 'didn't have a career like all the other moms' That was quite a slap in the face when we made the choice with her best interests in mind. There were some folks who looked down on me (for some reason this decision, plus the fact that I 'didn't work' plus being overweight seemed to give people the right to think I was stupid and lazy - neither is true - I am well educated and very active)
Some teachers who became aware of our choice judged us , and even though I was no more involved in school activities etc. would accuse me of being 'over-protective' of my child.
If anyone asked what I did and I said I was a SAHM, I'd often get the comment "must me NICE to sit at home all day" like they resented me, and they couldn't picture all the things I did. Many had the same choice (some didn't.. I have a tender heart and deeply admire those who raise children on their own,and truly ache for two parents who both need to work to provide for the needs of their family.
All the best, whatever path you choose.

Thanks for your response. I am sorry you faced so much false judgement as a stay at home mom. It's very unfair how we judge people in our society. You do make a good point, anything can happen. I have worked since I was 15 (I am 30 now) and will be working at least the next 2 years (maybe 5) before we make this decision. I have a college education and a strong family network. If something were to happen to my husband or my marriage, I believe I am strong enough to make it out okay on the other side. Certainly, I don't see that happening but I am sure most don't see it happening! I am happy to see that you have no regrets, it feels great to know you made the right choice huh?

taylmarie

I am a SAHM and will be until my youngest hits Kindergarten. My husband and I agreed that this was best for our family. There are times that we wixh we had a second income, but I think our kids are benefitting from having a parent home. I don't think that not having a stay at home parent will hurt a child however. There are many great kids out there who went to day care. Having a strong relationship with your children no matter how often you are with them is the key. Being a SAHM has to be right for you and your family so just consider it carefully with your husband or maybe try it out for a while before making the full on commitment.

I couldn't agree more. Happy, healthy children come from all types of homes. I work now and my husband has very long school hours. Our son has been in school since he was 2 and I think he is doing just fine. I do know that my husband wants me to do whatever will make me happy so if I decide to stay working or stay home, even though we discuss together, will ultimately be up to me. Thanks for your response.

CrazyMidget611

We make some big sacrifices (no new cars, can't eat out as often, live in a less expensive area, etc), but it is SO worth me being able to stay home. I never thought I would be able to (damn student loans!!), but my husband has a great job that allows me to be able to stay home with my daughter. I don't feel as if I'm wasting my degree at all - I worked and put it to use, and I will again when my child (or children) goes to school.

I love being able to see the milestones and watch her grow. I love being able to bond with her all day. I am most definitely NOT saying working parents don't bond with their kids...it was just my reality growing up. My mom worked full time, which in and of itself isn't a problem, but when she was home she spent her whole day cleaning or talking on the phone or visiting with friends. I didn't have a mother who read to me or played with me, so we really are not close at all. For me, staying home with my daughter ensures that I will have the relationship with her that I wanted with MY mother. Staying home allows me to get the chores done during naps and play when she is awake.

That being said, sometimes it is a bit isolating. I joined two moms groups and that DEFINITELY helps! I would highly recommend finding one in your area if you decide you do want to stay home.

4thehardman

I am a stay at home Mum. I see this as a gift and I try to make the most of it. I stay with the children because our school system here means they don't start school until 5 years old and even then it is only for 4 mornings a week. Since we have 4 small children under 5 years old we cannot afford private childcare. When they go into full time school I will go back to work.

I studied Law at the London College of Law and worked as a lawyer for a big firm before I moved to Switzerland. I can't practice here as I would need to re-qualify in the Swiss system and there is not so much criminal law here.

I enjoy staying with the children but also appreciate that its not all about wiping snotty noses or doing hours of play dough.
Parents who are out securing a financial stronghold for their childs future are not playing less of a role as a parent, just a different one. Same as parents who stay at home are still contributing and acheiving, just differently (oh but how I wish I got a pay rise for every stinky diaper I changed in the last 3 years!)

kstep88

IMO-

I like being a stay at home mom, and I love my children dearly. I also love to work. My degree will be finished by the end of the year if I stay on track- and I wll be going to work. I don't have to work, but I want to. I like it. Also, there is never a question of finances because my husband and I believe we work as "one". I'm lucky to be able to stay home and finish my degree, and be there for my children. However, I also want them to have time outside of "mommy time", where they can interact with others.

If you're staying at home, why not get your masters? You may need it later on, and if you have the time, I would.

grinch031

As someone whose wife stays at home, I'd say it really depends on your own career aspirations and also the kind of money you could bring in and how much you and your husband value the possibility of retirement. Unless your husband is going to bring in huge money, life is expensive (especially planning for the future) and many families cannot get by without two incomes. However if your job doesn't pay enough, then you are working and dealing with the stress of the job simply so that you can afford child care for your kids. My wife didn't have career aspirations and income wasn't all that great, so it made little sense to go through all the stress of working for the little return after all expenses that go along with that. In making this decision, I've also had to accept that I probably won't be able to save much for retirement because after living expenses with just one income, there isn't much left for saving. While I think the decision we chose is best for the children in the short term (better care), I think financially in the long term it is going to be very difficult for us.

KBeener

I've been at home for almost 5 years now. In the beginning it was a difficult transition for me. It IS hard to go from being independent to being completely financially dependent on someone. It's really ego-crushing. On one hand, I am in control of what we eat, where we go, who we see, what we do, what we wear, plus more. And on the other hand, all of my hard work goes mostly unnoticed and unpaid. But I can't imagine not seeing my two boys everyday, all day. I love them so much and I love getting to be the one to teach them everything, and witness firsthand their growth and development. It's important for children to have one-on-one, loving attention everyday. They can get that from a nanny or other caregiver, but those people most likely won't be there for the long haul. I think having one parent at home with the children is the best way to ensure a healthy and nurturing upbringing. It's a difficult decision, deciding between what you love and who you love. I hope you'll be able to find a balance.

momma3sweetgirls

My mom and dad were in your same situation (albeit 40some years ago). My mom had a Bachelor of Science, my dad in medical school. She chose to stay home and they had 3 kids while my father made next to nothing as a medical student/intern/resident. They eventually had their 4th (me) shortly after he got a full-time position. My mother says it was tough financially in the beginning and they did have to take out loans, but they invested what they could for the future. They were able to put 4 kids through university (in Canada - so much cheaper than the US). We didn't live 'high on the hog', didn't have fancy cars, wear brand-name clothes, go on extravagant vacations, etc. We lived comfortably though. I'm so happy my mom got to stay home. It was nice to have a mom that was home when I came home from school. I was able to participate in after-school activities rather than spend the rest of the afternoon in daycare.

Flash forward 37 years: my dad is retired, my parents have an impressive nest egg, they are able to help their kids out financially if need be, and are enjoying their grandchildren - spoiling them!! Me, well, I'm also an education woman (Bachelor of Science and a Bachelor of Education), have 4 kids of my own, and have stayed home with them from day 1. My husband and I discussed me being a SAHM before we were married and it was decided then that I would be home with the kids. I'm thankful we can manage financially and I have no desire to go to work outside the home.

If it's financially feasible for you, my vote is STAY HOME! You can always go to work later when the kids are older. You'll never be able to get back the early years if you work through them.

taylmarie

SO TRUE.

I have been made to feel like this monster who hates my kid by other women because I would rather work outside the home than be a SAHM. I come from a long line of women who work. My mother worked, my grandmother worked (she left home at 18 and took the train from a small TX town to Los Angeles, got a job downtown, and lived there while my grandfather was in the Navy. At 80 years old, she is just now retiring for the 2nd time....she kept working after her first retirement because she said "well, what else am I gonna do all day?"). I just never really felt like staying home was for me.

Yes, I work full time. My career is kick *kitten*. And know what? I'm still the one who wakes my sweet boy up in the mornings and takes him to school. I'm the one who takes him to t-ball games and practice (have never missed one!), I bake cookies with him, read him stories every night, take him to church on Sundays, have a healthy dinner on the table at night, etc. I do ALL those things, not a nanny, not a daycare provider, I do them. I am very fortunate to have such a generous employer that doesn't mind if I have to take off early to get him to t-ball, or if I have to leave because he's sick at school or something. I save up vacation days to spend a few days with him at Christmas and to take him to the beach every summer. That's what my parents did for me (they both worked) and I have zero memory of them ever being "absent" in any way. I've also got a college fund set up for him, retirement, excellent health coverage, and short term disability benefits that will enable me to take off work for 3 months (fully paid) should I decide to have another child in the future. I just wish women from BOTH sides would realize that your way/my way is not better, it's just different.

You sound like a great mom, and you are SO right! I can't believe the way women judge each other, we always hear about the way men treat women but in many cases, women are so horrible to each other! I agree, there is no right way. I am like you right now, I work and enjoy my career but I also drop off/pick up my son, make dinners, swim lessons, homework, bath time, stories. legos, you name it! I never even thought I would be considering staying at home. Like you, I am in a lucky position where if I need to leave early I can, but I fear that wont always last. Certainly not as I climb the proverbial ladder. My husbands job could likely mean him being on call 24/7 which will leave me with little flexibility. It is so hard to decide the right thing to do. I have always worked and enjoyed it! Such is life, tough decisions we make sometimes. We parents just try and do our best, whatever works for us!

Eleisabelle

My mother stayed home until all of us were school age--then, she worked school hours and was home when we were.

I think it's a personal choice and I applaud you whatever you decide, but I do have one comment: consider what will happen when the kids are grown up and you don't have them to take your time anymore. Are you going to want to wait until then to go back to school and stall working even longer? Are you content to think that you may never get back to working? Can you get your Master's part time while being a stay-at-home mom? Can you work from home?

There are a lot more options besides just one or the other. While the kids should be the main focus of your questioning, please don't leave yourself out. You matter too, and your future after the kids don't need you so much anymore should be as rich and full as the time you spend with them.

Good luck!

Jen32285

I've been a SAHM for 3 years now. There are times that I love it, but there are times that I hate it. My oldest is in kindergarten, so now it's just my 3 year old at home. We just decided that it would be easier for me to stay home instead of putting the kids into daycare. I would most likely only be making minimum wage. So pretty much my entire check would go towards daycare. My husband is a Marine. I'm looking at starting school in the fall and hopefully finding a job at least part time. Being home is starting to take it's toll on me. Anyways, if you can afford it and it's for the best. Then go for it.

dlyeates

This is a very personal decision that really should be based on more than just the need for money or having enough money. I know there are parents out there that have to work due to finances, and I am one of them, but you also need to look at your desire to stay home.

I have the best of both worlds. I'm a school counselor and get the same breaks (for the most part) and summer vacation as my son. I get to spend that time with him but work while he is in school. We do have a younger daughter and are extremely bless to have my parents watching them (we have our issues that sometimes make the arrangement unbearable but it really is a good situation for the kids).

As much as I would love to say that I would stay at home with my kids if we could afford it (we can't), I'm not sure I would. Because I don't think I have the creativity, endurance, patience or ability to teach my kids the way that I would like to if I stayed home. I know that I am a better mother being able to do my job and having that time away because I enjoy the time I'm with my kids. When we are all having bad days a lot of yelling happens and I don't want that to be what my kids remember about their childhood.

I'm not perfect, I do yell but I also know that by working I keep more of my sanity and that makes me a better mother.

CrazyMidget611

I would say Im a hugely successful parent in the sense that I am great, plus I only beat them when they do something really bad, like talk when im trying to watch TV.

Also, I give them money, sometimes.

OMG, I just laughed so hard I spit out my water!!!

ishallnotwant

I think it's a personal choice and I applaud you whatever you decide, but I do have one comment: consider what will happen when the kids are grown up and you don't have them to take your time anymore. Are you going to want to wait until then to go back to school and stall working even longer? Are you content to think that you may never get back to working? Can you get your Master's part time while being a stay-at-home mom? Can you work from home?

My answer to all these questions: grandkids!!! I totally can't wait to have grandchildren, and if my daughters/future DIL choose to work outside of the home I would be honored to have the opportunity to take care of my grandchildren during the day. I am looking forward to being the older woman who is at home when my children need me, as they raise their own families and need help, to be able to just show up at their house with a hot meal and watch the baby while they shower or nap, give them support, let them vent or rejoice as they realize the hardships and joys of parenting. If all of my children have the same amount of kids I did, i'd have 25 grandkids eventually. :laugh: That should be enough to keep me busy...

CristlNothem

i have kind of been in every position possible. I was a stay at home mom for three years. I had to start working full time upon splitting from my husband. I hate having to have him in daycare all the time. Now that we are getting back together, i have the option to work or not. So i came to the conclusion that i would work part time, that way i can help with income, and get some sane mommy time, and it allows for my son to be able to interact with other kids in daycare. It also works cause i can spend time with him more than i can right now, and also take care of my mommy/wife duties around the house.