Does anyone else NOT want kids?
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Now that I've gotten through the whole thread...there's NOTHING WRONG with NOT wanting kids. Nothing at all! Do people change their minds? Yes, sometimes, and that's part of where the pressure from family and friends comes from. They know of so-and-so who suddenly decided one day that they did want kids after all, or what's-her-face who never wanted kids, married, divorced, remarried and changed her mind with her second husband. (I know people in both situations right now, which is why I brought them up.) So that makes them think that everyone will change their mind someday. They don't consider the millions of people who went through life without ever having children, and never felt like they were missing anything! I have two kids and always knew I wanted to have children...but if I hadn't felt that way, then I'm sure I wouldn't know what I was missing had I not had any.
I do agree with the posters who said that this needs to be a conversation that your husband initiates with his mother. It should be his responsibility to tell her what the two of you have decided is best for you and your marriage. You don't want to be the shrew who kept her son from giving her grandchildren. (This could apply to a lot of issues that come up between his mom and the two of you, btw!)
This is sort of related to the topic at hand, sort of not. I always think it's kind of weird when people say they don't want kids and then make disparaging remarks about children (loud, snotty, bratty, etc.) to justify their feelings. You are a parent to an adult child for FAR longer than you're a parent to a developing child, provided that you're each fortunate enough to make it beyond the first 18-22 years or so. Why not just say that you don't want the responsibility of raising another person? (Btw, I have a friend who isn't really big on young kids, but adores adolescents and teenagers. Seriously a special type of patience! She fostered a 13 year old girl and is on the way to adopting her now. Couldn't be happier!)0 -
Me... I don't want 'em. I love love love kiddos, but I do not love love love them 24/70
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So Much ignorance out there, it amazes me. if you look at the stastistics there is enough room in TEXAS for everyone on the planet to have one square foot. That is just texas! Come on people. I think there are way to many selfish people in this world, why do you think Germany is at negative population growth.If everyone thinks like this what do you think will happen in 50 years? Good thing your parents didn' t think like you or you would never have been given a chance to experience your wonderful life.
The difference is my parents wanted to have children, I do not. Why should I have a child to please someone else. I need more then one square foot.0 -
Children are wonderful, but they are a lifetime commitment. I commend people who know its not something they are willing to take on. It doesn't make you less of a person.0
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You are a parent to an adult child for FAR longer than you're a parent to a developing child, provided that you're each fortunate enough to make it beyond the first 18-22 years or so. Why not just say that you don't want the responsibility of raising another person?
Definitely true and something to think about BEFORE getting pregnant. I see the stuff my parents have had to go through with one of my brothers who was living at home through his twenties, couldn't keep a job, didn't care about getting an education, and I know I do not have the mental energy for it.... or want to deal with the anguish I've seen them go through trying to figure out how to get him to care about his own life. (On a positive note, he just might be getting his act together now.
) 0 -
When I was younger, I was in the same boat as many as you...not wanting children. Then I met the woman I would eventually marry and it was our desire to bring life into this world that was one of our own. Fortunately for us, we were gifted with 2 beautiful daughters. I fell in love the minute I saw them. Love like I'd never felt before...not even for my wife.
The first time they sprint into your arms screaming the word daddy...your heart melts and shines at the same time. It's a remarkable feeling, one that only parents can understand really. Yes, they will anger you. Yes, they will disappoint you and yes, they will drive you crazy...but even with all that...they will LOVE you if you show them the path in which to love.
Fast forward: We are now divorced and I love my daughters just the same as I did back then. Looking at them grow, I'm amazed and honored to be called their "daddy".
I'm one lucky dad.
As for the lady who talks about not having kids as being selfish: get a grip! Mother Theresa didn't have children and she was in NO way selfish. Priests and other clergy have chosen not to marry and they aren't selfish either. Sure, there are selfish people who don't want kids because all they want to do is buy things for themselves, party, etc...and that would be selfish. However, there are many that choose to give in so many ways without having children and that a noble choice.
BTW - what does the 1 square foot have to do with anything, anyway?0 -
No kids for me. Nope. Not gonna happen. Ever.0
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I have two children from my previous marriage - We waited 10 years to have kids. You know, to make sure our marriage would last. Five years after our first daughter was born, he bailed because he was "unhappy." Suddenly, I was an unemployed (I was a stay at home mom - quit my job like we had agreed I would) single mother. And poor.
No one talks about that. I never even considered it. I wish I had.
I'm remarried now to a man who does not have children of his own. Just "our" two girls. His mother is always making comments about "when you two have a baby." I'm sorry. What? I've told her repeatedly that we are NOT having children. We discussed it. I told him it was a deal breaker. Period.
Unless someone can promise me I'll never end up a single mother again, forget it. Hardest. Job. Ever.
So I get the MIL thing. I just keep telling her, "We're not having kids." And leave it at that. She says things like, "That's not fair to him. He doesn't have children of his own." I just look pointedly at our children, raise an eyebrow, and stare at her.
Unless your MIL asks you outright, simply ignore her comments. If she does ask you, tell her that you and your husband have decided not to have children. If she gets upset, explain that it's YOUR choice, not hers. You have to raise, provide for, and care for these children.
Someone posted that not having children is selfish. That is stupid. It's not selfish to not bring UNWANTED children into this world. *shakes head*
Your life, your decision. And you were clear with your husband before you got married. Kids change you, your marriage, and your whole life. No one talks about that. Sure, they're great. But being a parent is hard, and scary, and expensive, and exhausting. Don't let anyone talk you into it if it's not what you really want.0 -
I just turned 36 and I have no desire and I NEVER had any desire to have kids. I prefer dogs, cats and horses.
Its OK to get turn into a pile of mush when you see a baby or announce to the world that you want kids. Media, society, our families, religion bang it into our heads to have children. HELL! Even has children we are given baby dolls to start the brainwashing when we are young.
Kids are not an 18 yr commitment, the commitment lasts as LONG AS YOU ARE LIVE that is a really long time, its super expensive and honestly the world is going to hell in a hand basket and I would not want to leave it to my children.0 -
:huh:So Much ignorance out there, it amazes me. if you look at the stastistics there is enough room in TEXAS for everyone on the planet to have one square foot. That is just texas! Come on people. I think there are way to many selfish people in this world, why do you think Germany is at negative population growth.If everyone thinks like this what do you think will happen in 50 years? Good thing your parents didn' t think like you or you would never have been given a chance to experience your wonderful life.
Yeah. You can raise all the unwanted children there in Texas. What's your address?
:flowerforyou: The winner of the BEST RESPONSE EVER.0 -
i have 2 kids. i didn't want kids before i had them, and i really doubt i will have anymore!
some of us just aren't maternal. i don't think it's weird at all.0 -
I had one child when I was 19 and she turned out to be such a handful that I didn't want any more. I got married when she was 7 and at first though I might want another with my husband but decided not to when my daughter's behavior got worse. Anyway, when I sent her to live with her dad, I was pretty content with the thought of never having another. Somehow though, despite birth control, I am now 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. I was pretty shocked about it but am happy to be bearing his first child. It will also be interesting to see which one of us this child looks like and acts like. I am looking forward to it. If this is a boy, I am having my tubes tied right afterward to make sure there are no more oopsies, but I'm happy about this oops. Still, for all those who know they don't want any then that is their right. I would advise having a tubal ligation or having a vasectomy to be 100% sure that no oopsies happen though, and so you don't have to worry about the side effects associated with other forms of birth control.
Wow, you sound really loving. So that daughter you shipped off to live with her dad no longer counts as having been your first child? Sounds like she's better off with her dad.
Yeah really. Maybe you weren't ready in that stage of your life for a child, but the least you could do is pretend to care a little bit for your daughter. Sorry, just saying. Hopefully you're happier about this kid than the last, and treat him better than you have your daughter. There is nothing wrong with your daughter living with her dad, but the way you worded it in that you "sent her" to live with her dad makes it sound like you don't care for her. Kids are difficult. They're going to whine, cry, etc.0 -
Never wanted them but always prepared for the day my wife broke to me that it was time --then one day she said to me "yeah -- I don't want to do that" . Big smile -- since then we've downsized our home to a place for 2, been vacationing 4 times a year, are well planned for retirement -- all good for us. I do have great admiration for parents--the most selfless act is to have a child-- ur life is never ur own again0
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right now! I don't want mine...teenagers are making me crazy and broke!
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When I was younger, I was in the same boat as many as you...not wanting children. Then I met the woman I would eventually marry and it was our desire to bring life into this world that was one of our own. Fortunately for us, we were gifted with 2 beautiful daughters. I fell in love the minute I saw them. Love like I'd never felt before...not even for my wife.
The first time they sprint into your arms screaming the word daddy...your heart melts and shines at the same time. It's a remarkable feeling, one that only parents can understand really. Yes, they will anger you. Yes, they will disappoint you and yes, they will drive you crazy...but even with all that...they will LOVE you if you show them the path in which to love.
Fast forward: We are now divorced and I love my daughters just the same as I did back then. Looking at them grow, I'm amazed and honored to be called their "daddy".
I'm one lucky dad.
As for the lady who talks about not having kids as being selfish: get a grip! Mother Theresa didn't have children and she was in NO way selfish. Priests and other clergy have chosen not to marry and they aren't selfish either. Sure, there are selfish people who don't want kids because all they want to do is buy things for themselves, party, etc...and that would be selfish. However, there are many that choose to give in so many ways without having children and that a noble choice.
BTW - what does the 1 square foot have to do with anything, anyway?
Obviously I didn't make myself clear. What I was trying to say was that those who don't want kids because they want THINGS and such in [place of kids tend to be selfish. I really admire people who devote their whole lives to doing for others, like Mother Theresa and priests and clergy and lay people. The whole thing about a square foot was to show that God knows what He is doing and there is plenty of room on this planet for all the people He has created.0 -
Meh, having kids can be just as selfish. I mean, if it were totally selfless, more people would adopt a child in need rather than having their own. But there's that selfish need to pass on the family genes, so we keep having them. And FTR, I count myself in that, since I had 2 out of my loins and haven't adopted any. There's no such thing as a truly selfless decision when it comes to procreation. You can give of yourself to have kids, it's true, but if there were no selfish benefit, nobody would do it.0
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I used to want kids because i thought that's what people did. I also used to eat meat for the same reasons. When I realized I didn't have to eat meat or have kids, things changed. I'm only 24 but I really only like kids in small doses, and only if they're quiet and well-behaved and clean. If something accidentally happened I suppose i would accept it but if given the choice I think I'd say no. All of our friends have kids and that's close enough for me.0
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I don't want any more kids. Love the 2 daughters I do have more than anything, though.
If you don't want them, don't have them. If you have them, love them unconditionally. Enjoy!
Exactly...I have 2 girls as well, I love them but I"m done with kids, even though I'm asked all the time when I"m going to have a little boy..really people mind your own buisness..My brother doesn't want kids, he loves my girls and is wonderful with them, but like he puts it he likes having a life and being able to have and do whatever he wants when he wants.0 -
I agree that it's not really anyone's business ... there's kind of a stigma that if you don't have kids their's something wrong, same as if you aren't married. But that's just not right.
When people make comments I usually say "that won't be for a long time," or I repeatedly use the phrase "if I ever decide I want kids" to make it clear that I'm unsure.0 -
Honey if you don't want kids, don't have them end of subject. When the subject is brought up, ignore it or change the subject. Eventually they will stop. Having Healthy kids is not a given, my oldest child has adhd, my youngest child was born with a congenital heart defect - in his lifetime he had 5 open heart surgies was in heart failure for 6 years and passed away when he was 20 years old. Women can have babies later and later in life if you ever change your mind. Reaching 30 years old is not the end of the world or the end of child bearing years. Also there is always adoption if you ever change your mind there are so many children out there looking for a good home.0
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^ Agree
I have a daughter but I totally understand the viewpoint of not having kids. I have more friends that do not have or want kids then friends that have kids and I am jealous of them. They go on tons of vacations, have money and go out during the week without worrying about a babysitter. Sooo lucky.0 -
I rather have pets. But i am only 18.0
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Never wanted kids, at least once I realized having them was an option! Now 40 and still haven't changed my mind.0
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I absolutely cannot stand kids. I'm only 21 but decided a long time ago that I don't want them. I get tired of people saying "you'll change your mind" or "you have to have at least one." Why is it expected for people to have children and why do I HAVE to do anything? For some it really isn't the right choice. My boyfriend of 6 years is on the fence about them, but he's never changed a diaper and thinks that is the most disgusting thing ever so I can't imagine him actually having one.0
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So Much ignorance out there, it amazes me. if you look at the stastistics there is enough room in TEXAS for everyone on the planet to have one square foot. That is just texas! Come on people. I think there are way to many selfish people in this world, why do you think Germany is at negative population growth.If everyone thinks like this what do you think will happen in 50 years? Good thing your parents didn' t think like you or you would never have been given a chance to experience your wonderful life.
I hope you don't have children and if you do I hope they are getting a good education from someone other than you.0 -
Just tell people you're not having any. They'll get it eventually. Don't feel bad if you do change your mind though. My cousins told everyone at their wedding reception that they weren't having kids - EVER - to stop the harrassing, but well-meaning comments from friends and family. They have a daughter now. By choice.0
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I was talked into having kids as I always thought it was a selfish thing to do given how damned unpleasant the world can be and is getting and because humanity are already seriously overburdening the planet.
However, I became convinced that I could be a better dad than other people (not hard in some cases) and had two. I got divorced after my wife cheated and she kept the house I'd paid for as we had kids. I hardly saw them after that as they got poisoned by their mum towards me. Now that they are independant I am seeing them now and then which is nice, but its been a long and painful road and not one I'd walk again.0 -
I never wanted to get pregnant and have my own child that way, but I was open to the idea of adoption. But my spouse is 10 years older than me and we quickly decided that there were loads of other stuff that we'd rather be doing than raising children. As soon as we came to that decision, we started being vocal with it among family, so that it wasn't a shock one day when it came up.
I get very irritated with those who say "oh, you'll change your mind, wait til your bio clock starts ticking!" I've decided to simply tell overly curious parties that we're "unable" to have children, instead of "unwilling". Its none of their damn business either way.0 -
ME! Since I was a kid! No one has ever understood it, and people just assume you're going to go that route. I've set that expectation with both my ex and current husband. I was required to get a hysterectomy back in February due to some lady problems, and couldn't be happier about it!0
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Crazy cat lady in training here :laugh:
I used to want kids from when I was kid myself right up to around age 20. In the last 10 years though, I've done a complete 180 and really do not want any children of my own.
Don't get me wrong. I love kids. I think my little brother, my nephews and my niece are amazing, but I love being the cool auntie and being able to give them back at the end of the day. My family say I'd make a great mother because they see the way I am with them, but I'm more than happy being child-free.
I still get the impression that my mum thinks I'm not a real woman because I've not had kids yet, but I just ignore it now. One sister has four and the other is now pregnant with her first, so it's not like she's short on grandchildren 0
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