fifty shades of dieting

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  • kerriberry74
    kerriberry74 Posts: 62 Member
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    My heart was beating frantically. Why, oh why did I agree to do this?

    I could feel Him behind be, the warmth of his body radiating heat against my back,. I gasped when I felt his arms coming around my sides; he pressed the cruel looking little instrument into my hand. His breath tickled my ear as he whispered to me "All you need to do is drag it along the skin..."

    How did I end up in this position? I'd always been so attuned to the richer things in life. How had I gotten seduced into something of this nature? How is it that he was able to get me to do something so deviant? It's just plain wrong. This was absolute insanity, my senses were overwhelmed, and yet I could feel a little tinge of excitement; butterflies in my stomach as I knew it was something that he desperately wanted. This would be my first time though, I hoped i would get it right.

    I let out an audible gulp as I took it in my left hand, the little tool in my right. I started going back and forth. Slowly at first, then picking up speed- back and forth, over and over, turning it in my hand, delighting in the rhythm of the motion. I could hear noises of approval emanating from Him.

    I had lived a life of decadent desserts; slow churned ice cream, dense chocolaty cake, the wonderful tang of lemon bars.... Now, I was going to be making Him his pickled cucumbers for dessert instead. I held up the peeled vegetable triumphantly. The first hurdle was crossed. He turned me around and pulled me into a crushing hug and whispered "Now, it's time for you to learn to use the mandolin slicer."
  • naceto
    naceto Posts: 517 Member
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    ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha omg funniest thing ever! i love the book but this way way to funny! great job! i would fully support a 50 shades darker dieting, and 50 shades freed from dieting :)

    LOVE it!!!
  • sho3girl
    sho3girl Posts: 10,799 Member
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    gosh you guys make it a reason to log in every morning :)
  • couponfun
    couponfun Posts: 714 Member
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    bump for later :smile:
  • Nailrep
    Nailrep Posts: 966 Member
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    LMAO!! Far more interesting than the original!!
  • tbetts23
    tbetts23 Posts: 303 Member
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    Love this post:smile:
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,375 Member
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    "Now, it's time for you to learn to use the mandolin slicer."

    :laugh:
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,375 Member
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    yobhcir needs to get back in here and do his thing!
  • FitnFabMichelle
    FitnFabMichelle Posts: 161 Member
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    LOL - loved it!! :)
  • sho3girl
    sho3girl Posts: 10,799 Member
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    (peeks in for update see there isn't any) :cry:
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,375 Member
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    I told the OP he needs to get in here and give us something! :bigsmile:
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,375 Member
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    I'm so bummed that nobody's posted anything. I'll just go rock myself in the corner now. :cry:
  • kerriberry74
    kerriberry74 Posts: 62 Member
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    Hmmmm... i'll have to sleep on it & see if I can come up with something for tomorrow. We need to start advertising this thread to get some more goofy/creative people to contribute. Actually, it's kind of a fun thing to do...
  • sho3girl
    sho3girl Posts: 10,799 Member
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    I'm so bummed that nobody's posted anything. I'll just go rock myself in the corner now. :cry:

    you and me both !!!! :sad:
  • Swissmiss
    Swissmiss Posts: 8,754 Member
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    Maybe this will help you.....I took a copy of this to the YMCA I know an employee was reading the actual book. We had a wonderful laugh.
  • Sockimobi
    Sockimobi Posts: 541
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    My heart was beating frantically. Why, oh why did I agree to do this?

    I could feel Him behind be, the warmth of his body radiating heat against my back,. I gasped when I felt his arms coming around my sides; he pressed the cruel looking little instrument into my hand. His breath tickled my ear as he whispered to me "All you need to do is drag it along the skin..."

    How did I end up in this position? I'd always been so attuned to the richer things in life. How had I gotten seduced into something of this nature? How is it that he was able to get me to do something so deviant? It's just plain wrong. This was absolute insanity, my senses were overwhelmed, and yet I could feel a little tinge of excitement; butterflies in my stomach as I knew it was something that he desperately wanted. This would be my first time though, I hoped i would get it right.

    I let out an audible gulp as I took it in my left hand, the little tool in my right. I started going back and forth. Slowly at first, then picking up speed- back and forth, over and over, turning it in my hand, delighting in the rhythm of the motion. I could hear noises of approval emanating from Him.

    I had lived a life of decadent desserts; slow churned ice cream, dense chocolaty cake, the wonderful tang of lemon bars.... Now, I was going to be making Him his pickled cucumbers for dessert instead. I held up the peeled vegetable triumphantly. The first hurdle was crossed. He turned me around and pulled me into a crushing hug and whispered "Now, it's time for you to learn to use the mandolin slicer."

    Haha! This gave me a giggle at my desk, thank you!
  • luvmybeebees
    luvmybeebees Posts: 681 Member
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    :laugh: too funny! :laugh:
  • Sinistrous
    Sinistrous Posts: 5,589 Member
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    I thought this would be bad, but it was a very amusing read lol. Props to you :P
  • softblondechick
    softblondechick Posts: 1,276 Member
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    You had me hooked, I admit complete helplessness to the rougish, dark looks of a chocolate Krispy Kreme.

    I am his forever.
  • kerriberry74
    kerriberry74 Posts: 62 Member
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    I had so much fun doing this last time that i had to give it a shot in honor of what is likely to be a less than stellar movie. Enjoy!

    The evening had started out so well... His driver had picked me up in his pristine car... he had pulled out my chair at the restaurant whispering against my cheek that I looked good enough to eat and nipping at my ear. I blushed while butterflies took up residency in my stomach.

    I had planned on ordering a salmon fillet with lentil salad.... He looked deeply into my eyes and suggested that I should get the steak and potatoes instead. It wasn't what I had wanted, but I found that I couldn't go against the hypnotic pull of his low, sexy voice. His eyes were smoldering at me as I gave the waitress my order. Throughout dinner I was acutely aware of him watching me while I ate... the slide of my tongue along the tines of the fork, the bare hint of a smile as the the delicious juiciness of the steak hit my tongue.... He turned down the waitresses offer of a decadent cheesecake dessert saying he had something better in mind... at his place.

    When we reached the door of his apartment, he turned to me and said he was a man of singular tastes... the thought of what he had in mind made me quiver in my heels. He made me wait in the entryway while he disappeared into the heart of the apartment. When he came back, he took my hand and led me into the sumptuously decorated kitchen. On the counter was a huge cake with a tub of hand churned ice cream. My mouth watered at the sight. I felt my body tremble... I hadn't wanted to break my diet, I tried so hard to resist him, but at every turn, I just could not say 'no'. He smiled as the knife glided smoothly through the layers. As he put the giant piece of rich red cake on the plate he uttered the words... 'Welcome to my Red Velvet Cake Room of Pain...'

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