Talk about a slap in the face. Motivation depleted.
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DEAL BREAKER. Tell him to get lost.0
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There are so many overly sensitive people on here! So perhaps he didn't word it well, but he was honest. Sometimes the truth hurts right? I'll never understand why people like to be lied too! Perhaps he isn't right for you if you are looking for somebody who sugar coats things, and if thats the case, he might have just saved you a huge move and additional heartache!
I could hug you for this.
It's not what you say, but how you say it!0 -
Bingo. There are way too many great guys out there that would treat her right to stay with this guy.I say make yourself 185-200 lbs light by ditching him! Oh that made me mad. Then work on your weight for you and you alone and then send him pics of you and your new boyfriend while you are sporting a hardly there bikini! On the back of the pic. How's my weight now? F-er!!0 -
If you continue with him you are a pitiful moron. Respect yourself ! :indifferent:0
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Are you kidding me??? Yes, he was honest..that's not the point. If he is not physically attracted to her because of her weight, and expects her to get back down to what she weighed when she was a kid to please him...why are they together???
Sorry OP... but I'd be out as soon as he said he wasn't physically attracted.. What's the point?? :noway:0 -
so just to make sure i am not shallow how many pounds overweight does a woman have to be before before refusing to date her makes me shallow?
20? 50? 100? what if she is 200?0 -
He has been honest about this before (christmas 2011), and I took it to heart, and started making these changes because I also realized I was the heaviest I had ever been (155). It's not his honesty that upsets me, it's the fact that he's attracted to someone he's never met - 17 year old alleycat.
Yeah...my husband gets pretty excited when he sees how I looked in HS and college... I know he'd be even MORE into me if I looked that way...but there is more to it than just that and that is why he is here, and I am with him.
I'm just saying....what he said was rude but again....if the rest of your relationship works and you guys are doing well...why let this one stupid comment screw it up? Tell him you are upset by his comments, see what he has to say and go on from there.0 -
Shallow, *kitten*, or not. Attraction is big in a relationship. If he wants to date someone who looks 17, he can do that. A woman's body will change all throught her life, after children... Once someone is in love the attractive parts come from within. Health concerns is one thing. Leave him for his own satisfaction, because he will never be satisfied.0
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Can't remember who asked, but he's 32 and has previously divorced someone due to the fact that she gained weight while they were married and DIDN'T put in an effort. I AM working hard, I AM putting in an effort and he STILL tells me he's not attracted to me? I'd love to hear that he thinks I'm beautiful, it would be MUCH more motivation for me, because now I feel like it doesn't matter, he won't be happy with me even if I hit MY goal weight.0
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If you were dating a brunette and in the middle of the relationship said to her, "I'm sorry. I am just not attracted to brown hair. Can you dye it blonde for me?". Yes, that would be beyond shallow.
His personal preference makes him shallow.
BS. Anyone who is not attracted to a 145-pound woman due to her weight is shallow.
He did her a favor but showing his true colors. Now she can evaluate his extreme shallowness and make a change in her life. She should thank him.You know, if my wife ditched me for every dumb thing I said, I wouldn't have made it past the first week. Politely, but firmly, point out to him that the way he approached the subject was wrong in the first place. Never, ever, ever comment on a woman's weight. Just not done. Not unless you like being single.
And for all the "Dump him now" people, do you guys honestly believe that a few words should end a relationship? And if so, how many of you are single?
It isn't shallow to be honest and tell your loved one when your attractiveness level has decreased. Calling her a fat cow...yeah that would be disrespectful. Seems to me what happened here is boyfriend opened his mouth and forgot tactfulness.
That is their personal preference. I'd rather someone be honest. Somehow if we change the situation around to be based around other features like brown eyes or short hair or whatever it may be, I feel like many would not be so upset about it all.
So you think it wouldn't be shallow for him to say, "Honey, I'm not attracted to your brown eyes. I saw a picture of you in the past when you had blue contacts and it gave me a chubby. Can you wear blue contacts from now on?"
Ridiculous.
Is it any less shallow to say "I prefer blondes"?
I'm saying if someone was saying "oh he said he wished I had blue eyes", you wouldn't be all up in arms.
People should check out the classic Hitchcock movie Vertigo which explores this topic with tragic results.0 -
First and foremost, lose the weight for you; not for anyone else. Every human being has intrinsic value, and as someone with immense worth, you should care fore your self.
As for the BF, is that really the guy you want to grow old with?
Precisely. It's not honesty he's giving you, this is controlling, domineering behavior. He wants to erode your self esteem, because of his OWN fears and insecurities. In my experience the most damaged individuals are the most "entitled" ones. Why does he think he's better than you are because of your (perfectly beautiful/healthy) weight? Why should you EVER believe him? Please, PLEASE DON'T!0 -
He's not refusing to date her. He's already dating her and f'ing with her head.so just to make sure i am not shallow how many pounds overweight does a woman have to be before before refusing to date her makes me shallow?
20? 50? 100? what if she is 200?0 -
so just to make sure i am not shallow how many pounds overweight does a woman have to be before before refusing to date her makes me shallow?
20? 50? 100? what if she is 200?
You're shallow if you expect another person to take unhealthy measures to please your own unrealistic expectations. OP isn't even an ounce overweight. That's the real problem.0 -
He has been honest about this before (christmas 2011), and I took it to heart, and started making these changes because I also realized I was the heaviest I had ever been (155). It's not his honesty that upsets me, it's the fact that he's attracted to someone he's never met - 17 year old alleycat.
Yeah...my husband gets pretty excited when he sees how I looked in HS and college... I know he'd be even MORE into me if I looked that way...but there is more to it than just that and that is why he is here, and I am with him.
I'm just saying....what he said was rude but again....if the rest of your relationship works and you guys are doing well...why let this one stupid comment screw it up? Tell him you are upset by his comments, see what he has to say and go on from there.
"I'm not attracted to you" IMO is NOT a light comment. Doesn't matter if it's related to weight or anything else. He expressed he's not attracted but could be because she has potential? Makes it even worse.0 -
He's not refusing to date her. He's already dating her and f'ing with her head.so just to make sure i am not shallow how many pounds overweight does a woman have to be before before refusing to date her makes me shallow?
20? 50? 100? what if she is 200?
im asking the people in the thread saying its shallow to refuse to date an overweight person.0 -
It's more than a "stupid comment". It's a window into his true nature that is disturbing and not likely compatible with a healthy relationship. If he's unattracted to her at 145, then the future is bleak for his being attracted to her in the future as she ages.He has been honest about this before (christmas 2011), and I took it to heart, and started making these changes because I also realized I was the heaviest I had ever been (155). It's not his honesty that upsets me, it's the fact that he's attracted to someone he's never met - 17 year old alleycat.
Yeah...my husband gets pretty excited when he sees how I looked in HS and college... I know he'd be even MORE into me if I looked that way...but there is more to it than just that and that is why he is here, and I am with him.
I'm just saying....what he said was rude but again....if the rest of your relationship works and you guys are doing well...why let this one stupid comment screw it up? Tell him you are upset by his comments, see what he has to say and go on from there.0 -
Can't remember who asked, but he's 32 and has previously divorced someone due to the fact that she gained weight while they were married and DIDN'T put in an effort. I AM working hard, I AM putting in an effort and he STILL tells me he's not attracted to me? I'd love to hear that he thinks I'm beautiful, it would be MUCH more motivation for me, because now I feel like it doesn't matter, he won't be happy with me even if I hit MY goal weight.
Tell him if he is trying to motivate you, he's doing a sucky job.0 -
so just to make sure i am not shallow how many pounds overweight does a woman have to be before before refusing to date her makes me shallow?
20? 50? 100? what if she is 200?
You're shallow if you expect another person to take unhealthy measures to please your own unrealistic expectations. OP isn't even an ounce overweight. That's the real problem.
i thought she said herself she was? and if not maybe he prefers on the lower BF% side.0 -
LOL I'm just going to leave it as "we agree to disagree." OP-Good luck to you in every way, health wise and relationship wise.0
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You know, if my wife ditched me for every dumb thing I said, I wouldn't have made it past the first week. Politely, but firmly, point out to him that the way he approached the subject was wrong in the first place. Never, ever, ever comment on a woman's weight. Just not done. Not unless you like being single.
And for all the "Dump him now" people, do you guys honestly believe that a few words should end a relationship? And if so, how many of you are single?
Happily engaged, thank you...wedding is in just about 2 weeks...and I am with the dump him crowd.
It's not just the words...it's what's underneath them. He's not attracted to someone who is a completely healthy weight-he's comparing her to a teenage girl version of herself...someone like that is not going to be happy with her no matter what...the type of individual that will always be looking for the next hot piece of *kitten*...
I said it before and I'll say it again...she deserves better.
Happily married! 8 years last month. and I say dump him. My husband loves me for who i am, and he loves me more today than he did when we met and I was 145! It's not that he was "honest" with her, it's that if he can't love her for who she is today not who she was when she was 17 then he needs to hit the road. You can't be with someone because they have "potential" Screw that.0 -
OK...that's even worse. He's even more shallow than previously thought and too old to fall back on the immaturity excuse.Can't remember who asked, but he's 32 and has previously divorced someone due to the fact that she gained weight while they were married and DIDN'T put in an effort. I AM working hard, I AM putting in an effort and he STILL tells me he's not attracted to me? I'd love to hear that he thinks I'm beautiful, it would be MUCH more motivation for me, because now I feel like it doesn't matter, he won't be happy with me even if I hit MY goal weight.0 -
Kick him to the curb honey, you only deserve the best!!!!0
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Let him know that his brutal honesty hurts you, tell him you took his honesty into consideration before and decided to make a change. let him know the kind of support you need from him and if he can't give you that, then perhaps keep his thoughts to himself.. explain to him about your hips and things like that.. He should be honest about his deal breakers, and if your weight is one of them... time to re-evaluate the future of your relationship... As women our bodies change and not always in a good way.. but the truth is what it is... as the saying goes.. " MEN MARRY A WOMAN THINKING SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE, A WOMAN MARRYS A MAN THINKING SHE CAN CHANGE HIM." Women Change and Men stay the same... If you feel in your heart that he will forever make you feel not good enough then perhaps you're better off with out him... but if you think there's a chance that he's just going about the wrong way in motivating you be real and upfront with him... just base your fitness goals on what YOU desire, not on what anyone else wants from you. Sure we need to keep it together in a relationship in order to keep the other person interested... but I don't think you should have to go to the extent of the unrealistic.. wether you dump the kid or not, that's your thing... but let me tell ya...men say stupid things all the time...sometimes they do it to hurt you, others they do it by accident... good luck girly!0
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There are so many overly sensitive people on here! So perhaps he didn't word it well, but he was honest. Sometimes the truth hurts right? I'll never understand why people like to be lied too! Perhaps he isn't right for you if you are looking for somebody who sugar coats things, and if thats the case, he might have just saved you a huge move and additional heartache!
I could hug you for this.
It's not what you say, but how you say it!
Well here is a saying in spanish that I translate so might sound funky
There aren't any words that are said wrong, just words that are misunderstood
No hay palabras mal dicha, solo palabras mal entendida0 -
Can't remember who asked, but he's 32 and has previously divorced someone due to the fact that she gained weight while they were married and DIDN'T put in an effort. I AM working hard, I AM putting in an effort and he STILL tells me he's not attracted to me? I'd love to hear that he thinks I'm beautiful, it would be MUCH more motivation for me, because now I feel like it doesn't matter, he won't be happy with me even if I hit MY goal weight.
You are kidding, right?
get OUT of there.
When you are older and your metabolism slows down after you have children, he WILL cheat on you with a girl who looks 17.
My husband was also honest-- I told him I appreciated his honesty but he needs to be kinder (english was not his first language, and he didn't understand how to be nice about it). He told me he saw my pictures when I was 17 and I was so hot "back then". Two years later, and NO, NOT out of fear of hurting me-- he tells me I am most beautiful. He said I was slightly overweight before, but not unattractive to him, but now I am perfect (at 160, mind you), and that I am ideal. He thinks this now because when he saw my 17 yr old pictures, we were just dating. We were nowhere near love. He was attracted to me physically, yes, but because he didn't have love he wanted more. Now we are madly in love and he is wild about me-- encourages me to be healthy and to be at a weight where *I* am comfortable. He also loves curves, so maybe that is a plus for me, but my point is, men that can't fall in love with a woman who isn't 107<, they will NEVER be satisfied with a woman of average, healthy size. They will always want more. He has demonstrated this in previous marriage-- do not waste your life and ruin your self esteem wasting your time with a loser who cannot see your OBVIOUS beauty.0 -
Love your self for who you are.
Become healthy (not thin) for your self.
You will attract like minded people if you are true to your self and your journey.
and one for good measure..
call this guy up..... tell him you just found a way to lose over 100 lbs, when he says how.. tell him you are dumping him and hang up the phone.0 -
Yes. It's shallow but it's not harming anyone. If you are already in a relationship with a person and you can't be attracted to them how they are then you are committing a fraud. In this case, he fessed up. She should take this new information and send him packing so he can refuse to date 145 pound, healthy woman on his own time.
He's not refusing to date her. He's already dating her and f'ing with her head.so just to make sure i am not shallow how many pounds overweight does a woman have to be before before refusing to date her makes me shallow?
20? 50? 100? what if she is 200?
im asking the people in the thread saying its shallow to refuse to date an overweight person.0 -
Can't remember who asked, but he's 32 and has previously divorced someone due to the fact that she gained weight while they were married and DIDN'T put in an effort. I AM working hard, I AM putting in an effort and he STILL tells me he's not attracted to me? I'd love to hear that he thinks I'm beautiful, it would be MUCH more motivation for me, because now I feel like it doesn't matter, he won't be happy with me even if I hit MY goal weight.
Oh dear.
Here's the thing. Do you know this woman he divorced or are you just going with what he's telling you about her efforts? Because he's hounding you WHILE you are making and effort and you aren't fat, so I would be a little skeptical...0 -
You should do what you can do to get healthy, go see him in person all sexy, and then DUMP HIS *kitten* face to face!!!!!0
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@ chipmaniac, I will say she was far more overweight than I have ever been. My top weight was 155. Hers was probably 205.
As for those saying it could be misunderstood, he prefaced his words with "Promise you won't get mad" so obviously something that has been on his mind.0
This discussion has been closed.
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