Unsupportive....wwyd?

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Replies

  • Raezor1207
    Raezor1207 Posts: 80 Member
    where do you live? I will be there ASAP , sounds like he needs a good butt whipping......
    I totally agree!
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    I won't tell you what to do, that is your own decision. But if I were in a similar position, I would begin preparing to separate and divorce. Your spouse is supposed to be a person who edifies you, not tears you down.

    And remember, you're a young, very attractive woman who deserves to be treated with kind words and gentle hands. Don't believe for a minute that no one else would love you, because they would, and your husband doesn't.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    where do you live? I will be there ASAP , sounds like he needs a good butt whipping......

    Let's roll.
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
    This is not a healthy situation for you OR your children. Get out. I believed that crap 20 years ago when my marriage ended - that no one would want me. But it was a LIE. I am now a happy and newly married. So glad he left me - it broke my heart at the time but it was the best thing that ever happened for me and my kids. Care enough about your kids to get them out of this situation. Eventually he will turn on them.
  • Nailrep
    Nailrep Posts: 966 Member
    LEAVE.
  • bellavita0125
    bellavita0125 Posts: 116 Member
    DIVORCE!! Why are you with this jerk? Yeah, I understand you have kids with him and it's "easier said than done," but GEEZ! Get rid of him
  • mandamommy3
    mandamommy3 Posts: 297 Member
    Honestly, if my SO were to start that kind of thing with me I would have had the kids and myself packed quicker than that chicken could defrost. Nobody deserves to be talked to that way and it's all just his insecurities coming forward, because you are obviously none of those things he said.
  • kytte
    kytte Posts: 323 Member
    my husband is pretty unsupportive too, and we've been together for going on 7 years and have a 2 yr old daughter. but i'll be damned if he EVER talked to me that way he wouldn't deserve to be a part of my family at all! STRAIGHT UP put him in his place or leave! it is better to commit to yourself and your kids than to someone who doesn't know how to respect you!
  • barney50501Missy
    barney50501Missy Posts: 79
    LEAVE.

    ^^^Enough said.
  • AggieLu
    AggieLu Posts: 873 Member
    Is your example real? If so, I'd consider leaving him if he treats you that way.
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
    drop him like he's hot. seriously. i have issues with my fiance but if he started attacking me verbally like that i'd make him leave (since i've mostly paid for this property). he's just afraid you'll find someone better, but with how he's acting he's setting the bar so low that you could move out and get a dog and have better company.
  • kayleec2
    kayleec2 Posts: 14
    Be mature and take the higher road. You need to set boundaries for your own safety. You deserve to be respected and you CAN demand that without being a B*****. Let him know in a calm voice that you intend to make your life better and you expect to be treated like a human being. (Would he treat his boss the way he treats you). If he is rude and ornery tell him how you feel about it and if you have to leave the room for your own safety- leave the room. In that same vein treat him with respect, even jerks deserve respect. He wont have anything against you. Hopefully as you share your feelings with him, and treat him with respect, he'll feel safe enough to reciprocate. You can't force him to change or force his behavior, but when you change the system of your family will change (its a fact of nature). When we shine light, we attract other light and dispel darkness. If you love yourself, respect yourself, and demand it from others, he will either have to learn to be a better man or he will leave on his own. Either way you will be a better woman for it.

    Amendment: If he is physically, sexually, emotionally, or any other form of abusive to you or your children please seek help immediately and leave the situation. Safety is always the number one priority.
  • allnewellie
    allnewellie Posts: 156
    We have some great guys here on MFP (how Y'ALL doin'?!?!) --- and they're right. No good man treats the woman he claims to love with that much disrespect.

    The longer you stay and continue to allow this to happen, the more ingrained the children will be that this is normal, and that men should act this way, and women should just take it. Is this the legacy you want them to have?

    Don't look from this relationship to your next one, focus on you and your kids. Become whole and happy with your life, and the future relationship will work itself out from there, based on the person you grow in to...a happy, content and positive person vs. someone just coming out of horrible, abusive relationship and vulnerable as easy prey.
  • GaidenJade
    GaidenJade Posts: 171
    I'll Bet ya 5 bucks he is cheating on you and is afraid you will do the same.
    He wants to keep you fat and insecure so he can continue.

    Dump the idiot right now.

    Sorry to say I agree. Though I don't know him or you. So it's not my business. But since you asked, I agree with the above. My father in law was the same way with his wife. And she found out he was cheating. Not only once, but many times. He wanted her in her place while he went gallivanting around with a younger woman.

    One way or another YOU need to set boundaries and rules. If he loves you, he won't treat you like that. Even if he has a temper and didn't mean those things, it isn't acceptable behavior, especially with children in the home. YOU need to not only make your life better by becoming healthier, but by standing up for yourself and letting the world know you deserve respect.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    Yes, one of the surest signs of a cheater is they accuse their partner of cheating because of their own guilt.
  • magj0y
    magj0y Posts: 1,911 Member
    Leave.
    On top of all the obvious reasons, it's going to screw your kids up psychologically
  • elyelyse
    elyelyse Posts: 1,454 Member
    Been with him for 5 yrs already? I have a hard time believing this is the first time his extreme assholeness was showing.

    Denial on my part.. This isn't all that new, but it's way more often.

    and the denial is easier to do when you are feeling insecure, like no one else will want you... but I bet taking steps to be healthier has given you a boost of confidence, and now you are seeing things for how they really are. I completely understand that some partners feel threatened when the other takes steps to better themselves, and sometimes that results in tension... but what you have described goes far beyond that; I agree with another poster in saying it's abusive.
  • kytte
    kytte Posts: 323 Member
    Been with him for 5 yrs already? I have a hard time believing this is the first time his extreme assholeness was showing.


    Denial on my part.. This isn't all that new, but it's way more often.

    prove him right. don't stick around. he clearly doesn't deserve you and it's not going to get better.
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,278 Member
    Don't EVER think you aren't attractive enough. I met my b/f when I weighed 170 pounds...he didn't care. He still doesn't. He has always told me he just wants me healthy.....thats all. Find a man who feels the same....and who isn't emotionally abusive. And keep losing weight....its the best revenge!
  • kytte
    kytte Posts: 323 Member
    I'll Bet ya 5 bucks he is cheating on you and is afraid you will do the same.
    He wants to keep you fat and insecure so he can continue.

    Dump the idiot right now.

    Sorry to say I agree. Though I don't know him or you. So it's not my business. But since you asked, I agree with the above. My father in law was the same way with his wife. And she found out he was cheating. Not only once, but many times. He wanted her in her place while he went gallivanting around with a younger woman.

    One way or another YOU need to set boundaries and rules. If he loves you, he won't treat you like that. Even if he has a temper and didn't mean those things, it isn't acceptable behavior, especially with children in the home. YOU need to not only make your life better by becoming healthier, but by standing up for yourself and letting the world know you deserve respect.

    THIS
  • nangel4u
    nangel4u Posts: 119
    Yea is really jelous and insecure and scared that you will probably leave him....he sounds like a jerk!!!!
  • rudimae
    rudimae Posts: 107
    If he is speaking that way to you, there is a good chance he speaks to the children that way as well.

    My "father" (though I usually refer to him as it-thing - small i and small t because he doesn't deserve to have caps) was very verbally abusive. He said so very similar things to me. You are fat. You are ugly. No man will ever want you.

    I believed him. For so long, I believed him. It took finding a guy who really loves me...all of me...to begin to think it-thing might have been wrong. That sort of thing really effs with a kid's mind.

    I know it's difficult to think about ending a long term relationship, especially if there are children. And only you can know if that is the solution for you and your children. But just think about what the kids are seeing and hearing. Even if he is not speaking to them this way, if they witness him treating you this way, it can really mess with their perception of how things should be. A boy might think that's how women should be treated. A girl might expect and accept being treated that way as well.

    Just my $.02...
  • nangel4u
    nangel4u Posts: 119
    where do you live? I will be there ASAP , sounds like he needs a good butt whipping......

    Let's roll.

    HAHA!!!! That would be fun to watch ;-)
  • Rory_123
    Rory_123 Posts: 68 Member
    I would definitely rethink marriage - nobody should speak like that to another human being, much less their fiancee. Do you want to raise your children like that, as they listen to him speak to you this way?? Are you concerned they might think it normal, repeat the behavior? This is verbal abuse, and you should probably avail yourselves of a therapist if you both really want to save the relationship.
  • chimpy_chimp
    chimpy_chimp Posts: 106 Member
    In a way it's helping me I guess.. The more he says this crap to me, the fact that I will fail.. Makes me want to work even harder to show him that I can and will do this.

    That's the spirit. In time, he will see that you aren't going anywhere and he will stop being so defensive. Poor thing, he has a fragile ego. We are all supporting you! You can do this.
  • MFPBrandy
    MFPBrandy Posts: 564 Member
    I would be consulting a divorce attorney NOW. You need to know what steps to take to protect yourself financially, legally, and re: child custody. Then, depending on what the lawyer said was best for the state you live in, I'd change the locks or take my kid and move out.

    You are in an abusive relationship. In case you have any doubts at all, there is NO acceptable reason for belittling you (calling you a fat, lazy tub of lard), and "no one else will ever love you" is a classic abuser line. This has absolutely nothing to do with you, and is all about him. Him wanting to keep you unhealthy is just another sign. In case you need it spelled out again--you are in a textbook case of an abusive relationship, whether there's physical violence or not.

    Here's the scary part--emotional abusers can progress to physical violence. This is why I recommend separation now, even if you want to give him a chance to reform through therapy. I don't know how long this has been going on, so i won't pretend to know whether this is wise or not, but if you decide to try to work it out, I really think you need to first ensure your safety and the safety of your child. Please don't turn into a CNN headline.
  • Mummyadams
    Mummyadams Posts: 1,125 Member
    Yes, one of the surest signs of a cheater is they accuse their partner of cheating because of their own guilt.
    YUP!!
  • stagknight
    stagknight Posts: 130 Member
    Tell him you are leaving him, explain you were losing weight for you, because you wanted to feel healthy and good about yourself. Make it clear the reason you are going is because of his insulting and degrading behaviour, no one should be treated the way he has treated you and you are not going to take it. Then when you feel you are ready, take the new you out on the town and flaunt it.
  • MFPBrandy
    MFPBrandy Posts: 564 Member
    In a way it's helping me I guess.. The more he says this crap to me, the fact that I will fail.. Makes me want to work even harder to show him that I can and will do this.
    This is NOT helping you.
  • PayneAS
    PayneAS Posts: 669 Member
    You have been with this person for well over 5 years and have kids together... WWYD?

    Spousal abuse is unacceptable whether you have kids or not. Think about what this is teaching your kids. They will go on to perpetuate this behavior. You need to file for divorce and get the heck out of there. Yes, seriously.

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