Unsupportive....wwyd?
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Good to know I am not alone.0
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I am going to start off telling you some practical things:
-start piling up money in a SECRET bank account (any amount you can)
-start giving things away to goodwill, friends that you don't need
-start making SECRET PLANS to take the kids
-make a date and while he is at work, MOVE EVERYTHING. Leave the kidlets with someone you trust.
-then get a lawyer, plan on taking 100% custody, as much as you can, alimony
It's doubtful he'll change. He is deeply programmed in himself to be like this. IT AIN'T YOUR FAULT. He's just like this.
You don't deserve this. Your kidlets don't deserve to see their mommy crying.
He is addicted to belittling you, it just gives him a rush, excitement. Feeling of power/control. If you take him back,
he's very, very, very likely to go back to his old habits once he feels "he's got you" again. You are not a person to him, you
are just part of the furniture in his mind. He loves you as much as he can...which in in an emotionally stunted grown man, isn't very much. Once again, that ain't you're fault. (Really). He may tell you that he never act likes this with anybody else. Bull.
Now my story...
I've never had children, but back in my 20s, I dated a man I'll call "Fred" (not his real name). He worked at the DMV and my friends found him for me (he was literally talking about wanting a girlfriend with a crazy and zany woman...they thought of me). We met. The first date, I had guy friend who could cook wonderfully come over and he cooked spaghetti and left. Fred was 2 hours late. I served him the dinner. He sort of liked it. He made a remark that night was so awful, I won't write it here. Let's just say that he insulted my feminity. I still kept going out with him. For over 2 years, he kept me crying. He kept putting me down. The hostility was great. He never hit me, but he physically held on to me when I tried to leave his apartment, saying I was breaking up. The insults got worse. He seemed to get angry over strange little things...he once had a cow when I came over and went straight for the freezer, to get a dessert (I was on a diet and starving), before hugging him. The thing that stands out is my friend Pauline dying and me being so numb, I put a ceramic plate on his stove...and it shattered. Fred starting yelling at me. YELLING. I told him off. He laughed at me. I started waking up. He would have me hold a flashlight while he worked on his car and YELL at me if I moved. He still found I sucked and was an awful girlfriend. He would tell me "I wish you were more like her" whenever we met some bubbly nice gal.
I'll skip over to the cheating. I found out he was cheating from a friend of his in their building. I confronted him and the gal outside in the street. She wanted to fight me. I was game..but then a knife was dropped and landed at my feet. I was stunned. Srsly, a knife?
I just knew she was crazier than I thought. He claimed "that was his knife" but I knew it was from her. (He would lie whenever he wanted to look good and I guess he didn't want to show she was a crazy ____). I came by the next morning and broke up with him. He smiled and wanted to hug me, which I told him I didn't think was healthy. I let him anyway and he said "I love you for what it's worth" and I said "Yes, for what it's worth". I remember singing Amazing Grace to get me through that morning. I had to ask his gal for permission to talk to him "May I please have 5 minutes with Fred?" which she granted (they were outside) I think she figured out I wanted to break up with him and permitted it. I had to wait a few minutes for them to finish making out first before I broke up with him.
I have left out the stories of him calling the police on me when I would not leave (I wanted him to admit she was in his place). Yes, the police dragged me away (very, very nicely though). I got crazy. I was addicted to him.. There were subsequent phone calls of him trying to get back in my life. They stopped. He broke up with crazy gal 2 weeks after I broke up with him. I was already involved in another relationship by then (I used to have to always have a boyfriend in my life during that time period).
FAST FORWARD = 2 years ago, 2010. Fred found me on the internet. He called me. He wanted to meet up. I told him okay. I let everyone know on my facebook. I went to Starbucks with him. One of my highschool friend's swung by since his wife was worried. That friend is a cop (checking up on us). My pastor knew. I let everybody know. Fred was 20 something years later on a booty call hunt with me. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. He kept touching my fat thigh (I've gained over a 100 lbs. since he last saw me). He didn't remember all the abuses comments, but he was very sorry about them. He forgave me for somethings I asked forgiveness for. I felt there was peace now but as I wanted to leave, he didn't. He wanted me to come home with him. He cried in my arms outside after it hit him that I was never, ever going to take him back. "I've royally f____ up!". I held him as he sobbed, feeling actually sorry for him. He went away after that. Never again contacted me even though I said I am glad to be friends. I guess he didn't like being friendzoned.
After that, I met someone I am still with. He is not perfect (comes with a lot of baggage like a bitter divorce that the custody battle left deep scars in), but he never insults me. We have some heated arguments, but they are more like lively debates. We both get along pretty well. He would never think to insult me like that. He even cooks for me.
-not all men are like that (insulting). it has been over a year and I have yet to hear any insults.
-some men really ARE mensch's, sweethearts (I've got one now)
-my current boyfriend respects my values (ex did not)
-understand that your boyfriend needs therapy. You are not his savior, let Jesus save him. That's NOT YOUR JOB (somebody said that to me about Fred and that stuck with me).
Now go and prosper.0 -
I'll Bet ya 5 bucks he is cheating on you and is afraid you will do the same.
He wants to keep you fat and insecure so he can continue.
Dump the idiot right now.
^^^ This right here...
My ex said crap like that to me all of the time and guess what? he WAS cheating...
same here.0 -
He's treating you like this now it will be worse if you get married. You deserve more than this! I married young (17) and my first husband was a cheating a$#. Our son was18 mpnths old. I was so happy when he finally left with my "gentle encouragement". Now I have been married to my second husband for 15 years and we have2 great kids. It was rough and lonely for me and my first child. It took me a while and a lot of dating to meet my current husband. But so worth the effort! He is awesome, even tries to keep my meals in my guidelines:) He cooks for ME.
You deserve to be happy and feel good and be respected! Even if you choose to stay keep doing this for yourself. You look awesome and he is insecure. Tell him to kiss it:)0 -
That is how my ex husband was and he would constantly put me down and was very verbally abusive towards me. Now that we are divorced, I can see how much happier I am not constantly having to apologize for every little thing I do. I can just be ME!!! We had a daughter together, but you should never feel like you have to stay in a bad relationship just because you have children. They will be much better off not seeing all the drama. I do not want my daughter to think it is okay for men to treat a woman that way. This is why I am setting a good example for her about how strong her mommy can be!!
^^^^^ this. i left my first husband because he treated me this way as well. it eventually escalated to physical abuse and infidelity. i finally had enough and left. i was fortunate that we didn't have kids together, but i did major in sociology and i do recall that the stats favored the kids whose parents split up when they were in an irreconcilable and volatile house. but, maybe try marital counseling first if you want to try to preserve it. it's his insecurity making him say these things.
but if you try counseling and it continues, then vamoose. i met my current husband and he would never, ever, ever treat me this way. and a real man who is secure in himself, won't treat you that way either. 5 years, 15 years, 20 years, it doesn't matter. 5 years and one day is one day too long if he doesn't treat you with kindness and respect.0 -
and this is why i dont have a husband...
Ahahaha! Seriously though, I would be sooooo upset if my husband ever said anything like that to me.0 -
Sounds like someone has insecurity issues. I say to you do you and if that makes anyone else unhappy then tough. You are the most important thing so you need to make you happy first.0
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Oh yuck :-(
I'm just afraid that I won't find anyone else... I don't feel attractive, at all.
He is always home or at work.. Never more than 30 mins late... :-(
The thought hurts so bad..
You are better off alone than with someone who gets his jollies abusing you. And that's what it is. Verbal abuse. And you don't know it won't escalate. It affects you and it will affect your children. There are social service agencies either part of gov't or run by nonprofits that provide services for "women in transition." Become one of those women. For all your sakes.0 -
Sounds like this man is scared so to make him feel better and him in hopes of making you believe what he says to derail you in your goals, he be little's you.
My husband has never done this exact thing, but he has said when I started dropping weight "You're going to leave me when you get to your goal, aren't you?" I have assured him that if I was going to leave him I would have done it before I started losing weight lol. My reasoning for losing weight is personal to me not to us (as he and I). This is all about me doing it for myself, I don't need a man to approve of my looks, I need to first love myself. So this is all about me, for starters. He no longer says such things. I'm 15lbs to my goal and he knows I'm more in love with him now then I have ever been.
If my husband said these things to me, I'm such a stubborn woman that I would not believe him, I would prove him wrong. No I wouldn't cheat on him but I would make him know that he is wrong. Then I would lose my weight and if he can't deal with me making myself feel better about myself, then he has the problem and he needs to get some help. I'm not about divorcing, so I can't say I'd leave him, but I would demand him getting some psychological help.0 -
If you choose to stand your ground, then I applaud you for your strength. But I hope you know when enough is enough, for the emotional stability of not just you but your kids too.0
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I'd probably kick him.....really hard!!
^^This....and make him sleep on the couch.....for a month...Lol0 -
Smile and say 'Thank you for the compliment.' When he's speechless, kick him in the nuts.
Seriously, he's got his own issues he needs to sort out - and it sounds like he wants you down on his level so he doesn't have to feel inadequate. But, as they say, that's his problem. Keep doing what you're doing, and if he doesn't fall in line, maybe it's time to think about what you really want from a relationship and the kind of life you and your children deserve. Which is something he should be thinking about too.0 -
I am so very sorry that this is happening to you. My husband of 17 years jokes around and says "you are getting all skiny and you are gonna leave me aren't you?" He knows that after 17 years and 4 kids that I aint goin anywhere, but he jokes about it anyways. I asked him one day why he says that. He is overweight and knows it. He said that he doesn't want to be that guy who people see on the street and think "how did HE get HER?" I just say "baby, they already say that! haha
What you do is your decision, but abuse is abuse. Verbal abuse is just as hurtful as physical abuse. Next time he says something, just tell him "you keep acting like a jerk and I will leave your *kitten* BEFORE I hit my goal weight"!
We are all here to support you!!0 -
If you told your spouse that you wanted to lose weight, get into better shape and they immediately got on the defensive.. Saying you are doing it to cheat/move on/ect.. And totally have zero support for you, try to do things to make you go off track.
Start blowing up at you for the tiniest things.
Example.
You forget to take chicken out for supper, immediately they start yelling saying things like you're a fat,lazy tub of lard... Stretched out and better treat him better cause no one else will ever love you.. You're ugly and everyone else can see it, why even bother..
You have been with this person for well over 5 years and have kids together... WWYD?
Excuse me for voicing my opinion, you asked. That is considered verbal abuse. No one should accept that from their "loving husband." Perhaps you both can see a counselor or your pastor. Please consider getting some help for your marriage. Verbal abuse is very damaging. My closest friend just got out of a relationship due to verbal abuse. It started verbally then escalated to physical abuse. I hope I didn't offend you.
I apologize, I thought this was your husband. I agree with many of the above. You need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Your little one doesn't need to hear all this any more than you.0 -
If my boyfriend acted like that, he would be gone. I would expect him to do the same thing to me if I acted that way toward him.0
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Whether or not they're married, abuse is abuse and should NOT be tolerated under any circumstances--and being married shouldn't ever be a factor in whether someone leaves or not.Excuse me for voicing my opinion, you asked. That is considered verbal abuse. No one should accept that from their "loving husband." Perhaps you both can see a counselor or your pastor. Please consider getting some help for your marriage. Verbal abuse is very damaging. My closest friend just got out of a relationship due to verbal abuse. It started verbally then escalated to physical abuse. I hope I didn't offend you.
I apologize, I thought this was your husband. I agree with many of the above. You need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Your little one doesn't need to hear all this any more than you.0 -
Oh, honey...
It's better to be alone for a while than to stay with someone who treats you like that. How would you feel if he talked to your kids that way? You wouldn't let him get away with it with them, so don't let him get away with it with you.
I'd leave him before you get married. Once you get married, it will be harder to leave. Please talk to a friend and start making a plan.0 -
DIVORCE, you don't need to be with someone like that, no matter how long u've been together and it isnt a healthy environment for kids to grow up in anyway. A person cannot say those things to a person that they are supposed to love and care about
this..
He's an arogant, insecure a**hole. He will not change and you'd be better off without him. When you decide you deserve better you will leave. I really hate people who have to belittle others to feel better about themselves.0 -
Sweety youre gorgeous! You keep moving foward and getting healty both body, mind, and soul. Start loving your company and you don't need to be treated like that. No one has a right to treat you that way. I can imagine there are ton of other men who would gladly take the A-Holes place.0
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LEAVE him!!! you are BEAUTIFUL and deserve millions times better than that. You are lucky you aren't married to him, one less thing to have to deal with (divorce). I'd recommend save up some money secretly, find a lawyer to consult with about how to go about it (leaving, taking the children, what you need to do next to get custody, etc.) and go from there. I wouldn't give him a clue of what you are planning until you at least talk to a lawyer and have some money set aside, unless you have a very good support system(family or good friends to take you in and make sure you and your children are taken care of and protected). if you want to talk more feel free to message me and I'll try to help the best I can.0
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You deserve better and don't ever think that you can't get somebody else...you deserve someone that will treat you with love and respect....Please think very long and hard before you go through the marriage with him, it will only get worse afterwards. Get help, join a support group or something, but don't allow him to treat you this way. Does he go further than verbal abuse? In a way, verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse as there is nothing on the outside to see. Please take care of yourself and your children.0
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I've read everyone's comments.. I feel stupid for saying I don't want to throw everything away without trying.
I told him to leave, he is staying at his mothers and I told him if he ever wants to come back we need several counseling sessions before even considering it. I think he feels like a complete *kitten*, I told his mom what has happened. She chewed him a new assholle.. If he decides to go through counseling then we are going to try to make things right. If he says no, then he is gone for good!0 -
I've read everyone's comments.. I feel stupid for saying I don't want to throw everything away without trying.
I told him to leave, he is staying at his mothers and I told him if he ever wants to come back we need several counseling sessions before even considering it. I think he feels like a complete *kitten*, I told his mom what has happened. She chewed him a new assholle.. If he decides to go through counseling then we are going to try to make things right. If he says no, then he is gone for good!
Good for you! Hopefully he realizes he's wrong and counseling works but if not than you deserve better!0 -
I truly hope the counseling works. You deserve so much better than what is the norm right now.I've read everyone's comments.. I feel stupid for saying I don't want to throw everything away without trying.
I told him to leave, he is staying at his mothers and I told him if he ever wants to come back we need several counseling sessions before even considering it. I think he feels like a complete *kitten*, I told his mom what has happened. She chewed him a new assholle.. If he decides to go through counseling then we are going to try to make things right. If he says no, then he is gone for good!0 -
Leave, or kick his azz out. I'm thinking he has always acted this way to an extent and I do NOT put up with that. If it is a new thing I would nip in the bud pronto. I also would not allow my children to be constantly in the presence of someone who treats me that way. If he is doing this in front of the kids he is showing that a.) you are not to be respected and b.) its ok for them to do this to someone later on in life. Nope, sorry. He'd be gone. Too many good men out there.
Sorry if you've answered to any of this already, I haven't read all replies.0 -
That's not lack of support. It's spousal abuse. Violence will be the next step if you don't address it now.0
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Honestly? I divorced him.0
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I've read everyone's comments.. I feel stupid for saying I don't want to throw everything away without trying.
I told him to leave, he is staying at his mothers and I told him if he ever wants to come back we need several counseling sessions before even considering it. I think he feels like a complete *kitten*, I told his mom what has happened. She chewed him a new assholle.. If he decides to go through counseling then we are going to try to make things right. If he says no, then he is gone for good!
It's not something to feel stupid about- the guy is verbally abusive. It 100% makes sense that your response to this behavior is to want to fix it because he's reinforced that his insecurities are your fault.
But let's be clear. This is not a fixable situation. That type of reaction, as IceMan (and I'm sure countless others) have pointed out is abusive. It's even MORE important to end it because you have kids- if you end it now they might grow up not thinking of this acceptable behavior.0 -
I would think he is the one doing all the things he is acusing you of. I would take the kids and leave.0
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and yes, ice man s right. trying will only hurt you and the kids, more0
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