Open Relationships?
Replies
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I found the following that seems to sum it all up pretty good: (http://www.serolynne.com/polyvsswing.htm)
Sex vs Relationships: Swing is generally more about recreational sex and polyamory is more about loving relationships. In swinging, friendship is usually the deepest emotional connection that a couple allows with others (and that isn't a requirement for all swingers). Polyamory usually involves deeply emotional connections (love) with multiple people, and sex can (and usually is) an integral part of those relationships. Swinging is more like friends with benefits, whereas polyamory is more along the lines of having multiple boyfriends, girlfriends or spouses. In polyamory, you open yourself up to falling in LOVE with more than one person at a time. In swing, that's usually pretty threatening to the core couple.
Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy: Swinging, in many ways is still monogamously based. While sexual fidelity isn't a part of that monogamy... swinging is very couple-centric. A couple goes into it knowing that neither of them will fall for another person any more emotionally than friendship. Swinging is viewed as safe and non-threatening to the couple's emotionally monogamous relationship. Polyamory usually isn't approached from a couple-centric place. While couples may both date (even date the same person)... the relationships are viewed as individual relationships. In polyamory, you're much more an individual than identified with your relationship structure.
Discreet vs. "Out": Swinging is usually a discreet activity that a couple does on the weekends - whereas polyamorous relationship are part of every day life, and not an activity done from time to time. Usually polyamorous relationships are long term, and have a very regular component to them (daily/weekly, etc.). Polyamorous people usually have a desire to be "out" about their relationships (even if they can't be realistically) - because the people they're involved with hold a very important place in their lives and heart - equivalent to a spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend. Poly people tend to want their partners to be with them for for major events - holidays, weddings, funerals, company picnics, etc. - as well as part of their every day life - grocery shopping, movies, hanging out, etc.0 -
An open relationship and swinging are totally different things, I know people in both situations, and i don't think an open relationship works, this to me is where the couple can do what they want, so if out an a guy chats up the girl then she can say i'm in an open relationship and do what she wants, and so can the man. This can lead to feelings, relationships developing outside your own relationship causing problems, insecurity and i don't think it can work.
With swinging its something you do together, the couple i know go to clubs and do not do it with people they know, they don't even keep in touch with any of the people they meet, they do it once in a while, go have fun, leave and it keeps things exciting for them but no feelings get involved its just sex. they have a really good relationship and i don't think it would work for everyone and you have to have rules you are both happy with before you decide to give it a go, but it can be really good for a relationship if you both want to do it and are secure with each other.
Just saying : )
Going to clubs ( even swinging clubs) is not being in the lifestyle. In the lifestyle you keep in contact, and get to be friends. You have BBQ in the afternoon, then put all kids in bed and then have sex. You invite your "lifestyle" friends at your kid"s birthday party.
^^THIS 110%! Our best friends are in the lifestyle. Every single one of them. A lot of them live out of state and out of the country and they have come to visit us and vice versa. It is not just about swapping partners and having sex all the time. It's about meeting like minded non judgmental people who like to have fun. I couldn't imagine not keeping in contact with the people I have played with.0 -
I couldn't do it personally - I am too jealous because of my own insecurities and issues and my husband knows this. In fact I told him before we bought our house together (which was before we got married) that if he cheats regardless of reason we would be through. So this type of open relationship would drive me crazy. However, if a couple seriously thinks about it and talks about it and each person is able to independantly decide that they can handle it then go for it. The only caution I would say is to keep the communication open if you decide to have this type of open relationship because what we think we can handle in our minds based on a scenario oftentimes is not true when actually faced with reality.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!!0 -
This would NEVER work for me! Far too jealous and I wouldn't have any trust in the person.0
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no... no... no... and no...
Edited to add: My marriage vowels said "forsaking all others" it was pretty cut and dry... also talked about cherishing, respecting, honoring... no this "lifestyle" isn't for everyone0 -
Not sure? Although... I do get bored quite easily and have always been facinated by the whole polygamist lifestyle. (I know, there is a huge difference between polygamy & swinging). I think it's normal to fantasize about having sex with others, especially if you've been in a extended committed relationship. As long as both parties agree and are happy then, I say to each there own, people should do what works for them.0
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Sex isn't all that a marriage is based on. Or at least it isn't in my book.
Sex and marriage are constructs. There is no ONE definition that fits all couples. What's intimate to me is not intimate to you, what constitutes a relationship to me, is not what constitutes a relationship to you.
Which one of us is right? Both of us are because we get to define our construct based on our experiences and values.
That's why threads like these are a waste of time and energy. There is no right or wrong answer. The OP needs to figure out what's right for her and her spouse based on their definition of marriage and intimacy. Asking others is pretty useless as you can see.
*Love*0 -
no... no... no... and no...
Edited to add: My marriage vowels said "forsaking all others" it was pretty cut and dry... also talked about cherishing, respecting, honoring... no this "lifestyle" isn't for everyone
Yes and the bible, marriage and other social constructs are all man made.
Lets get down to the primal, natural and animalistic nature of who and what humans really are.0 -
just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?
Sex is never just sex. Someone ends up getting hurt or hurting another person in the end.
Not necessarily true. If two people separate love and sex, and it's a mutual agreement, all should be good.
I know a guy, he was #3 in an open relationship and played with the wife (not the husband) He got in too deep and would totally take it to the next level if he had the chance. That's not what swinging is about. It's... just sex. It's having bedroom fun with another person. You can get hurt if you allow your feelings to go the wrong way. It happens, but not as often as you'd think.
And some people practice polyamory and don't always separate love and sex. It's like any other relationship, you're opening yourself up to all sorts of things, great feelings and not so great. Many relationships end, it happens in monogomy and it happens in swinging and it happens in polyamory.
Yes but people like to try and demonize these types of relationships because they are different and they don't agree to it. Yea things can happen and marriages can end in a swinging, polygamous or open relationship but they also end monogamous ones too. It's the fact that people are choosing to consent and go outside the marriage and have sex that people have a problem with and are quick to say its wrong and nothing good can come out of it.
I find it funny that people in mongamous relationships look down their nose at alternative lifestyles, but the divorce rate in traditional marriage is above 50% now days.
It is way lower in Polyamorous and Polyagamist relationships...................
Things that make you go hmmmmmm0 -
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My marriage vowels said
I'd like to buy an O.0 -
I find it funny that people in mongamous relationships look down their nose at alternative lifestyles, but the divorce rate in traditional marriage is above 50% now days.
It is way lower in Polyamorous and Polyagamist relationships...................
Things that make you go hmmmmmm
Indeed!
I have to be honest and that I don't even know what my wedding vows were. The only thing I know is that I said "For richer or richer" lol!0 -
I know someone who is in a very happy open relationship. I wouldn't do it myself, but I know it's possible and I don't see anything wrong with it.0
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It is a gamble. If the marriage is something you are willing to gamble with and are prepared to lose over random sex then by all means do it. This is just my opinion but I would not gamble with something that I truly valued.
ITA with this.I've seen open relationships in several of my married friends - and it always benefits one person, not the other. Eventually the door mat person (the one who agrees to the open relationship for the sake of keeping the other person interested and around) gets tired of the arrangement, and either files for divorce or demand that the relationship becomes monogamous again - which normally leads to the other person filing for divorce.
Granted, all of the divorces we've seen in our circle of friends who had open relationships - all had children involved, so I'm not sure if that was a factor or not.
Maybe it works for people who aren't really into each other in the first place?
Def would not do it here. But, to each their own - so long as any children in the situation don't end up hurt over the results...
This has been what I have seen too. I've known a few couples who were into this. In all cases it was the last stop on the way to divorce town. Not to say that was what caused the divorce, something was lost in their relationship (with the people I knew) that they were trying to get back.
As far as kids go, the people across the street from us (errr the people who used to live across the street from us) used to have kids who would run around telling everyone that their mommy and daddy take showers with strangers. lol0 -
I could do it! As long as I was the only one having sex with other people. Pretty sure my husband wouldn't go for that arrangement. LOL! So I guess it won't be happening for me.
As for other people doing it. I could care less what other people do in their own sex life.0 -
I wish. That will never happen for me though.0
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Two people very close to me tried this in their marriages with terrible results. Aside from these examples, I truly believe that it is wrong for a number of reasons. One of the questions that I always wonder, is why don't you care if your spouse sleeps with someone else? Personally, I want my husband to have eyes only for me and to have all this attention and desire poured out on me and I want to do the same for him.
Really, you think your husband never looks at another woman? Unless you gouged his eyes out, he'll look...0 -
just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?
Sex is never just sex. Someone ends up getting hurt or hurting another person in the end.
Not necessarily true. If two people separate love and sex, and it's a mutual agreement, all should be good.
I know a guy, he was #3 in an open relationship and played with the wife (not the husband) He got in too deep and would totally take it to the next level if he had the chance. That's not what swinging is about. It's... just sex. It's having bedroom fun with another person. You can get hurt if you allow your feelings to go the wrong way. It happens, but not as often as you'd think.
And some people practice polyamory and don't always separate love and sex. It's like any other relationship, you're opening yourself up to all sorts of things, great feelings and not so great. Many relationships end, it happens in monogomy and it happens in swinging and it happens in polyamory.
Yes but people like to try and demonize these types of relationships because they are different and they don't agree to it. Yea things can happen and marriages can end in a swinging, polygamous or open relationship but they also end monogamous ones too. It's the fact that people are choosing to consent and go outside the marriage and have sex that people have a problem with and are quick to say its wrong and nothing good can come out of it.
I find it funny that people in mongamous relationships look down their nose at alternative lifestyles, but the divorce rate in traditional marriage is above 50% now days.
It is way lower in Polyamorous and Polyagamist relationships...................
Things that make you go hmmmmmm
I find it funny that you paint all the people in monogamous relationships with the same brush and say we all look down our noses at alternative lifestyles. There have been a few posts here that judged the swinging/open marriage lifestyle, but there have been far more from monogamous people who say that they could never do it, but if it works for other folks, so be it.
I personally don't care if the divorce rater is higher or lower in poly relationships, if that's what people want to do, then do it and enjoy it. It wouldn't work in my specific relationship.0 -
I'm all for it.
Your relationship needs to be solid to even consider this. If you're trying to spice things up or "fix" the relationship then NO GO!
If you're just open minded people who love each other and aren't jealous or spiteful then go get 'em girl!0 -
It really depends on both of your personalities. I personally would never do it. I've had friends who were in open relationships for 7 years, but in the end the boyfriend couldn't take it anymore. It was hurting him for years, but he always just pushed it down and had sex with other partners just to "feel better".
Give it a try by starting with something simple, don't jump right into something crazy. It's totally up to you and your husband, don't let other people tell you what to do. Just figure it out together and find out what you're both comfortable with.0 -
Nope, not for me. My husbands penis is not touching anything other than me... and I'm fairly confident he feels the EXACT same about me.0
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It works if folks are mature enough to handle it.
We aren't swingers, per se, but we are rather open. We've been happily married for 12 years. Things like that tend to spice up a couple's sex life if it gets in a rut.
To me, sex is just sex and adding a third or fourth to the mix just makes more sex.
exactly, we hate the term, but I agree fully!
I agree as well. It's nice to see more people who think like I do.0 -
Go for it, unless you're just doing it to spice things up or fix something.
In which case it will end very badly.
I have a friend who's in an open relationship, but there are rules. They are allowed to have other sexual partners, HOWEVER, they must make sure that the partner is very clean, and there are no overnight stays. They sleep together, get up together, eat breakfast together, then go on their merry little ways.0 -
To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)
People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?
If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.
Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.
I just fell in love with you a bit.
Well I am in an open relationship
I think I'm in love with you a bit too!
Well, I'm not in love with you but I sure will sleep with ya'll :bigsmile:0 -
No. No. No.
I could NEVER do it.
My man is mine and I am his.
We made that promise together the day he put a ring on my finger and it will be official the day I put one on his.0 -
I have been married for 4 years and together with my husband 10.
We were in an open relationship for awhile and all was fine.
We later called it off for our own reasons and all is fine. Between people that care about each other, and with CLEAR ground rules, not an issue.0 -
whats the difference between roommates who sleep together and a couple in an open relationship?
how do you maintain intimacy?0 -
It works if folks are mature enough to handle it.
:laugh: I guess my husband and I are way too immature for that kind of a relationship. We are VERY attached, and sex isn't just sex to us. It's how we communicate and relate as a bonded pair. It's not for sharing...Selfish of us, I know! :smooched:0 -
i think it is 100% wrong. there has to be something deep down that is boring the both of you. i dont see how having sex with someone new will help a relationship or spice it up. all it does it take away from that said relationship and it is just plain wrong! cheating all the way, i dont care if the other person in the relationship knows or not. still messed up.
rather than have an open relationship why dont you spice things up between the two of you? or invite a 3rd person in? i dont see how going seperate ways and doing things without your spouse or loved one would work in the long run.
but like everyone else, this is just my opinion
do whatever makes you happy. for me to be happy, it is to be in a loving and commited relationship with my significant other! and he is amazing that i dont even need to think about things like that! 0 -
I couldn't do it, i wouldn't be able to stop picturing him with her and if he liked her better... it would go on and on and wreck our relationship.0
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I couldn't do it, i wouldn't be able to stop picturing him with her and if he liked her better... it would go on and on and wreck our relationship.
But really, in any relationship where one or both parties has slept with someone before...this is something that could be possible anyway. Maybe my previous partner was WAY better...maybe his was...KWIM? This isn't an issue JUST within open relationships.0
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