Open Relationships?

Ras_py

These threads always crack me up because all the people who have no idea what a swinger relationship is about come out of the wood work and talk about how horrible it is, how evil, how bad, how disrespectful without ever being in that kind of a relationship or have friends in it for that matter.

My husband and I are in the lifestyle and it's fun. We've met some great people and made some long lasting friendships that go across the globe. My husband and I love and respect each other. We didn't go into this blindly (although we did stumble upon it by accident) and it's the love and respect for each other that makes it work. We have rules and boundaries . Every decision made is a mutual one and if I'm ever uncomfortable with anything then the brakes get put on.

Just because someone chooses to be in the lifestyle doesn't meant that they're not happy in their relationship. Don't judge someone because they choose to do something that you wouldn't or that you think is wrong because guess what? There might be something that YOU do in YOUR relationship that I wouldn't do and I consider wrong but I'm not about to throw judgment at you because it's your life, your relationship. Not mine. No, it's not for everyone but people need to realize and understand that the people who are in the lifestyle aren't immoral. It has nothing to do with a lack of respect on any ones part or "wanting to get as much sex with as many people as you possibly can". It has nothing to do with not loving the person you're with. It's about having fun, meeting people and making some great friends.

Do your research and talk to people who are actually IN the lifestyle before you start vomiting judgement.

this explains so much

Kerilynnda

First off - I have never been in an open relationship and these are just MY opinions and I don't think everyone needs to think the same way I do...

IMO I think I could handle an open relationship - ONLY when I basically checked out already ... I know in a past relationship when I was realizing things weren't going so hot and we were working on trying to make it work (we were together 4 years, and I couldn't just throw that away without trying) - I wouldn't have cared if he wanted one, because at that point it was too much work trying to make it work. And yes I do realize that is completely the opposite of why you should try and open relationship.

My fiancé are completely happy where we are at now, granted we've only been together for 5 years, maybe in 5 more years we will want something to spice it up. An open relationship is definitely a no for us anyhow (we both are too jealous).

It just like any other opinion - if you're into it, have at er, and if your not so be it. You'll never convince the other it is the way to go. Good luck in your endeavors! I'm thinking you should definitely update us on how it went!!

ilikepandasyay

To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)


People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?

If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.

Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.

This, to me, is a fabulous description.

Every single person has, or will be jealous at some point in their lives, it's about learning how to successfully handle it. Jealousy is called the "Green Eyed Monster" not the "Green Eyed Cupid". We better ourselves when we learn how to work past jealousy, whether it's in open relationships, closed relationships, work, home or friendships.

Thank you!

I agree, everyone gets jealous, open or closed. Do I deal with maybe a little bit more jealousy because of my open relationship? Probably, because I'm in situations where I have to confront my feelings more often, but trust me, I was plenty jealous in monogamous relationships and not dealing with it or learning from it half as well.

yoovie

I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.

Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?

I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.

Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.

Hear hear. As far as I know, to actually get married (in the states) you have to sign a piece of paper that says that you're gonna be married and they send you back a piece of paper that says you're married. There's no god mentioned on the marriage license/certificate.

When the government gets out of the marriage business and stops offering over 1000 benefits and incentives to married couples that people considered legally single do not recieve, then maybe there's some ground to stand on about the "muddying of what marriage means".

I'm not sure why you're bringing up god in reference to the marriage certificate. I did not mention God in reference to marriage.

You said it was created to join people together for the rest of their lives. That was originally a Christian view. Pre-Christ - marriage was almost entirely based on polygamy and a man could let his wives and concubines go at any time he wanted. Even in the old testament. What you stated is a christian view that later spread.

Marriage wasnt created for that reason.

Marriage has thousands of years of history as a financial gains, business merger, supply an heir, create a brood, status uplifting operation.

It wasnt a declaration of love.
It wasnt a public account of a union.

Not until much much later when christians got hold of it. I believe that they made it much better. but their version of marriage is what They created it for, not what it was actually created for.

A_Shannigans

I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.

Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?

I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.

Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.

Yes marriage was created to join two people as long as they both lived. Was for breeding purposes? Maybe, maybe not it certainly became that way but either way it wasn't created with multiple partners in mind.

If marriage can mean whatever we want it to mean then what is the point of having marriages? I mean really....what is the point?

It doesn't have to be tow people
You can be just as committed without it

So what is the purpose?

ElizabethRoad

Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.

That's a little unfair, actually. Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean people don't deal with their feelings openly. I wouldn't cast aspersions on open relationships, so let's not do it to monogamous ones.

hbrittingham

Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.

I really don't care what other people do. I've worked with a couple of swingers in the past and they had invited my husband and me to join them. It's not for us, but we didn't judge them for what they were doing, either. I know I can't be in a relationship where I share my husband with another woman. I know that about myself and he and I are good with that.

However, if I feel like he is paying too much attention to another woman and were to tell him that I was feeling jealous about it, he wouldn't blow me off. I may be feeling rather emotionally sensitive at that moment and he would listen to me and we would talk over why I was feeling that way. I don't know how swinging opens the door for discussion any more than non swinging does.

yoovie

in MY opinion, you cant state your stand on an open relationship if youve never been in one.

My opinion on being a mom is...

oh wait Im not one, I should shut my face.

A_Shannigans

I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.

Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?

I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.

Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.

Hear hear. As far as I know, to actually get married (in the states) you have to sign a piece of paper that says that you're gonna be married and they send you back a piece of paper that says you're married. There's no god mentioned on the marriage license/certificate.

When the government gets out of the marriage business and stops offering over 1000 benefits and incentives to married couples that people considered legally single do not recieve, then maybe there's some ground to stand on about the "muddying of what marriage means".

I'm not sure why you're bringing up god in reference to the marriage certificate. I did not mention God in reference to marriage.

You said it was created to join people together for the rest of their lives. That was originally a Christian view. Pre-Christ - marriage was almost entirely based on polygamy and a man could let his wives and concubines go at any time he wanted. Even in the old testament. What you stated is a christian view that later spread.

Marriage wasnt created for that reason.

Marriage has thousands of years of history as a financial gains, business merger, supply an heir, create a brood, status uplifting operation.

It wasnt a declaration of love.
It wasnt a public account of a union.

Not until much much later when christians got hold of it. I believe that they made it much better. but their version of marriage is what They created it for, not what it was actually created for.

Christians didn't invent monogamy, nor did Jews.

redhousecat

without reading all the replies:

Those who condemn simply don't understand. Here are a few tidbits for you.

Not all open relationships work the same way.
Not all open relationships require homosexual tendencies
Open relationship couples do not sleep with with every Tom, ****, Harry, or Jane that roams the earth.
Most in open relationships show love to their spouse with heart and mind. Sex is just Sex.
People in open relationships do not fall in love with another person just because of the sexual situation (see previous tidbit)
Strong open relationships would know to work through a one and only jealousy issue if one was to arise.

and FYI
Yes, you do need to be mature, and have a strong relationship
and yes, they can work.

oregonzoo

To each their own. But I must say, I love my partner enough I would never ever want to share him.
I don't know how people that in love could want to share.

I think it's a one way ticket to drunken fights, sleeping in separate beds..

I agree. I feel like a broken record, but I'll say it again, I don't share. My heart and my body belong to my husband and nobody else will have access to either. He says he feels the exact same way.

I honestly think if you'd consider this, something would be inherently wrong with the relationship. Better to spend money on therapy than swingers bars in this situation.
Not to mention it's incredibly unsanitary.

So if someone swings, they don't "Love their partner enough"?
And if someone considers it, something is inherently wrong with the relationship?
Incredibly unsanitary. Uhm, huh? what do you think they do? A whole lot of them stick with condoms. If a swinger doesn't use condoms, he/she probably wouldn't in the traditional dating scene, either.

incredibly ignorant answers!
There are many different reasons people swing, there is no 1 reason. Many do it for the wrong reason, but many more do it for
reasons of their own, they're both consenting and it works out.

I've known swingers who've been married for decades and very dedicated to their spouse emotionally and lovingly.

Some pretty judgmental and harsh answers here!!

And for the "and if there are kids, leave the lifestyle at the door" comment,
My kids have never seen me have sex with my husband. If I were to bring someone else into the equation, why would they see any of that? It's called locking the door!

Sex doesn't always equate love, and yes, both of them need to separate that aspect. I grew up in a liberal town, "if it feels good, do it" "if you can't be with the one you love, love the on you're with" sex was an extracurricular activity, it didn't mean love and if it was consensual and safe, who cares? It's still a hippy town. "it's just sex....." was the mentality of sooo many people there. Is it different than the norm of society, absolutely. Does it make it wrong? Not if both are consenting adults!

Would all of the people who are condemning this type of relationship, would you condemn a homosexual relationship as well?

My particular comment has more to do with with what I recall of OP's situation. So my apologies if judgement was seen.
personally, an open relationship wouldn't and isn't for me. But if it is for somebody else, that's just dandy. I'd want to be sure it was for the right reasons. That it was something that would work for both parties, not a bandaid on a failing relationship.
Then again I suppose that wouldn't be my business either.

And also, I support homosexual marriages, and their rights in general. (and adoption) 100%

** also the "unsanitary" thing was kind of a joke, just my sense of humor.

yoovie

I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.

Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?

I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.

Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.

Hear hear. As far as I know, to actually get married (in the states) you have to sign a piece of paper that says that you're gonna be married and they send you back a piece of paper that says you're married. There's no god mentioned on the marriage license/certificate.

When the government gets out of the marriage business and stops offering over 1000 benefits and incentives to married couples that people considered legally single do not recieve, then maybe there's some ground to stand on about the "muddying of what marriage means".

I'm not sure why you're bringing up god in reference to the marriage certificate. I did not mention God in reference to marriage.

You said it was created to join people together for the rest of their lives. That was originally a Christian view. Pre-Christ - marriage was almost entirely based on polygamy and a man could let his wives and concubines go at any time he wanted. Even in the old testament. What you stated is a christian view that later spread.

Marriage wasnt created for that reason.

Marriage has thousands of years of history as a financial gains, business merger, supply an heir, create a brood, status uplifting operation.

It wasnt a declaration of love.
It wasnt a public account of a union.

Not until much much later when christians got hold of it. I believe that they made it much better. but their version of marriage is what They created it for, not what it was actually created for.

Christians didn't invent monogamy, nor did Jews.

I didnt say anything about monogomy. I talked about polygamy -- but only as historical reference because you said marriage was created to join TWO people together. said nothing about monogamy.

StormyGal8

To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)


People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?

If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.

Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.

This, to me, is a fabulous description.

Every single person has, or will be jealous at some point in their lives, it's about learning how to successfully handle it. Jealousy is called the "Green Eyed Monster" not the "Green Eyed Cupid". We better ourselves when we learn how to work past jealousy, whether it's in open relationships, closed relationships, work, home or friendships.

Thank you!

I agree, everyone gets jealous, open or closed. Do I deal with maybe a little bit more jealousy because of my open relationship? Probably, because I'm in situations where I have to confront my feelings more often, but trust me, I was plenty jealous in monogamous relationships and not dealing with it or learning from it half as well.

I agree completely. If and when I am feeling jealous, I can talk to my husband about it. He ALWAYS offers to stop whatever (or whomever lol) is causing my jealousy, but for the most part, I think jealousy is MY issue to deal with. Stemming from MY insecurities. It helps me to talk it out with him. I think we can communicate more openly and effectively now than we did before we went open.

hbrittingham

in MY opinion, you cant state your stand on an open relationship if youve never been in one.

My opinion on being a mom is...

oh wait Im not one, I should shut my face.

Why not? My stand is that I will never be in an open relationship. It's not for me, plain and simple. Why shouldn't I be able to state my stand on that?

ilikepandasyay

I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.

Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?

I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.

Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.

Yes marriage was created to join two people as long as they both lived. Was for breeding purposes? Maybe, maybe not it certainly became that way but either way it wasn't created with multiple partners in mind.

If marriage can mean whatever we want it to mean then what is the point of having marriages? I mean really....what is the point?

It doesn't have to be tow people
You can be just as committed without it

So what is the purpose?

Idk, social legitamacy for the main relationship? Wanting to show your commitment (you can still be committed to a person and have other partners, try and wrap your mind around it), or how about those 1000+ benefits the federal government gives to married couples?

shelbyfrootcake

Well I am in an open relationship

Alas, the Atlantic separates us. *sobs*

ilikepandasyay

Well I am in an open relationship

Alas, the Atlantic separates us. *sobs*

I've been trying to convince the Mr. to let me accept a transfer to London. :P

A_Shannigans

I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.

Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?

I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.

Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.

Hear hear. As far as I know, to actually get married (in the states) you have to sign a piece of paper that says that you're gonna be married and they send you back a piece of paper that says you're married. There's no god mentioned on the marriage license/certificate.

When the government gets out of the marriage business and stops offering over 1000 benefits and incentives to married couples that people considered legally single do not recieve, then maybe there's some ground to stand on about the "muddying of what marriage means".

I'm not sure why you're bringing up god in reference to the marriage certificate. I did not mention God in reference to marriage.

You said it was created to join people together for the rest of their lives. That was originally a Christian view. Pre-Christ - marriage was almost entirely based on polygamy and a man could let his wives and concubines go at any time he wanted. Even in the old testament. What you stated is a christian view that later spread.

Marriage wasnt created for that reason.

Marriage has thousands of years of history as a financial gains, business merger, supply an heir, create a brood, status uplifting operation.

It wasnt a declaration of love.
It wasnt a public account of a union.

Not until much much later when christians got hold of it. I believe that they made it much better. but their version of marriage is what They created it for, not what it was actually created for.

Christians didn't invent monogamy, nor did Jews.

I didnt say anything about monogamy. I talked about polygamy -- but only as historical reference because you said marriage was created to join TWO people together. said nothing about monogamy.

join two people together = monogamy

You said :
" You said it was created to join people together for the rest of their lives. That was originally a Christian view."

No it wasn't. The Christians were not the 1st or even the 2nd ones to hold it.

jiddu17

Anerked

yoovie

i dont care anymore,

i dont have to date you. I dont even have to listen to your refusal to accept that people are different from you. I certainly dont have to give weight to your opinions.

Please enjoy your sour starving views of how love is allowed to live.