Open Relationships?
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Ruined one of my family members marriage of 20 plus years:(0
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When I commit to a relationship, I do it 100% and REFUSE to bring another person into the mix. I expect the same level of commitment from my partner.
If I'm with a man who wants an open relationship, the door is OPEN and he can GTFO anytime he wants. To me: open relationship = cheating without consequences.
Cheating implies deceit. The point with an open relationship is that you don't have deceit. All couples have boundaries, they are further out for open couples.0 -
I find nothing inherently destructive about open relationships of any sort. Not everyone can or wants to do it, and that's fine - different strokes for/by different folks. (haha! :laugh: )
I highly recommend reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino! She has tons of great information on all kinds of open relationships and practical suggestions for those who are considering it.0 -
Well for me personally I could not handle thinking of someone else touching my Husband the way I do!! I could not imagine him giving that sexy look he gives me to someone else! It would make me crumble and die! We discussed this at some point and I was all ok with the thought until I thought of someone else being with him! If you can handle that your man will look and touch another woman like he does to you with the care he has for you then by all means give it a go. But remember whatever you can do with someone else he can also do with someone else. That was the hardest part for me. I think we talked about it one time and that was it no more.0
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A good friend of mine has been in an open marriage for a long time. almost 20 years. it works for them.
I don't think its something i'd ever want, but I can recognize the philosophy of it.
Jealousy is born of insecurity with yourself and consequently your relationship.
If you are secure enough in yourself and who you are, you really love your significant other, and you want them to be happy in all ways, that means you will be happy for them being happy, even if it is not with you.
The only way swinging is different is that is accepts concurrent relations, instead of never wanting to be with your SO after they've been with some one else.
bottom line it can work, but usually it makes problems unless you are both very open and secure in yourselves and your love for each other.0 -
A good friend of mine has been in an open marriage for a long time. almost 20 years. it works for them.
I don't think its something i'd ever want, but I can recognize the philosophy of it.
Jealousy is born of insecurity with yourself and consequently your relationship.
If you are secure enough in yourself and who you are, you really love your significant other, and you want them to be happy in all ways, that means you will be happy for them being happy, even if it is not with you.
The only way swinging is different is that is accepts concurrent relations, instead of never wanting to be with your SO after they've been with some one else.
bottom line it can work, but usually it makes problems unless you are both very open and secure in yourselves and your love for each other.
Well said!!0 -
A good friend of mine has been in an open marriage for a long time. almost 20 years. it works for them.
I don't think its something i'd ever want, but I can recognize the philosophy of it.
Jealousy is born of insecurity with yourself and consequently your relationship.
If you are secure enough in yourself and who you are, you really love your significant other, and you want them to be happy in all ways, that means you will be happy for them being happy, even if it is not with you.
The only way swinging is different is that is accepts concurrent relations, instead of never wanting to be with your SO after they've been with some one else.
*like*
bottom line it can work, but usually it makes problems unless you are both very open and secure in yourselves and your love for each other.0 -
It makes me sad that so many people think that their standard issue commitment definition must be used by everyone else, even though they KNOW that everyone is different.
Just because someone didnt sign a paper and say a bunch of words in front of a big dressed up audience who is mostly there for the food/alcohol and to socialize amongst themselves, doesnt mean that they arent in love or arent committed.
In fact, being quietly genuinely committed, without all that circus chaos and hubbub, just a quiet knowledge between two people, without the paper to make it true, without the wedding album, without the million ways of proving it to the world... seems more intimate and beautiful to me. Especially if you aren't restrained by necessary exclusivity because its the law and your man says so, but because you just dont want anyone else.
To me thats love. Not throwing a bouquet and laughingly bemoaning the fact that you dont have to date anymore.
You're coming off like a bit of a hypocrite.... no offense but you're mad people don't seem to think you can be committed doing it your way and you turn around and pretty much say they are less committed not doing it your way. Sooo they can't criticize your life choices but you can criticize theirs?
A wedding does not lessen commitment any more than it strengthens it let's be real here.
Not to mention just because you are married doesn't mean you even had a wedding.
I said that something seems a certain way to me, just like something else obviously seems a certain way to everyone else. This is not hypocrisy, its saying that I dont understand why only the traditional way is accepted, even if it doesnt work. I didnt say they were less committed than me, not in any way shape or form.
What I said was, it seems more beautiful to me.
I didnt say a wedding isnt a committment - i said that jokingly say ou kno longer have to date your man is sad. Ok I got married i win im done now i can go criticize everyone else - thats really sad to me.
Never said marriage wasnt commitment. Im sorry if it seemed that way. My parents have been madly in love and married for 34 years and still **** like rabbits, so I do not feel as though marriage doesnt work.
I just feel like... sometimes a situation needs something different and its unfair to say that just because its not marriage, doesnt mean its not good enough.
Well IMO discussions like this are bound to get heated because one persons idea of what commitment and/or marriage are supposed to be are so different from the next ones.
I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.
Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?
I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.0 -
Can I just say NO, NO, and NO! There's no way in hell and I am so thankful that my husband feels the same way (then again, if he didn't, we wouldn't be married) If we felt the need to sleep around with other people, we would never have gotten married in the first place. I'm not saying it couldn't work for other people but I do wish you an enormous GOOD LUCK!0
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I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.
Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?
I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.
Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.0 -
To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)
People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?
If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.
Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.0 -
I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.
Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?
I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.
Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.
Hear hear. As far as I know, to actually get married (in the states) you have to sign a piece of paper that says that you're gonna be married and they send you back a piece of paper that says you're married. There's no god mentioned on the marriage license/certificate.
When the government gets out of the marriage business and stops offering over 1000 benefits and incentives to married couples that people considered legally single do not recieve, then maybe there's some ground to stand on about the "muddying of what marriage means".0 -
To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)
People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?
If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.
Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.
I just fell in love with you a bit.0 -
To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)
People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?
If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.
Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.
This, to me, is a fabulous description.
Every single person has, or will be jealous at some point in their lives, it's about learning how to successfully handle it. Jealousy is called the "Green Eyed Monster" not the "Green Eyed Cupid". We better ourselves when we learn how to work past jealousy, whether it's in open relationships, closed relationships, work, home or friendships.0 -
I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.
This is a very narrow Christian definition of a global ceremony.0 -
I honestly think if you'd consider this, something would be inherently wrong with the relationship. Better to spend money on therapy than swingers bars in this situation.To each their own. But I must say, I love my partner enough I would never ever want to share him.
I don't know how people that in love could want to share.
I think it's a one way ticket to drunken fights, sleeping in separate beds..
I agree. I feel like a broken record, but I'll say it again, I don't share. My heart and my body belong to my husband and nobody else will have access to either. He says he feels the exact same way.
Not to mention it's incredibly unsanitary.
So if someone swings, they don't "Love their partner enough"?
And if someone considers it, something is inherently wrong with the relationship?
Incredibly unsanitary. Uhm, huh? what do you think they do? A whole lot of them stick with condoms. If a swinger doesn't use condoms, he/she probably wouldn't in the traditional dating scene, either.
incredibly ignorant answers!
There are many different reasons people swing, there is no 1 reason. Many do it for the wrong reason, but many more do it for
reasons of their own, they're both consenting and it works out.
I've known swingers who've been married for decades and very dedicated to their spouse emotionally and lovingly.
Some pretty judgmental and harsh answers here!!
And for the "and if there are kids, leave the lifestyle at the door" comment,
My kids have never seen me have sex with my husband. If I were to bring someone else into the equation, why would they see any of that? It's called locking the door!
Sex doesn't always equate love, and yes, both of them need to separate that aspect. I grew up in a liberal town, "if it feels good, do it" "if you can't be with the one you love, love the on you're with" sex was an extracurricular activity, it didn't mean love and if it was consensual and safe, who cares? It's still a hippy town. "it's just sex....." was the mentality of sooo many people there. Is it different than the norm of society, absolutely. Does it make it wrong? Not if both are consenting adults!
Would all of the people who are condemning this type of relationship, would you condemn a homosexual relationship as well?0 -
I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.
Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?
I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.
Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.
Hear hear. As far as I know, to actually get married (in the states) you have to sign a piece of paper that says that you're gonna be married and they send you back a piece of paper that says you're married. There's no god mentioned on the marriage license/certificate.
When the government gets out of the marriage business and stops offering over 1000 benefits and incentives to married couples that people considered legally single do not recieve, then maybe there's some ground to stand on about the "muddying of what marriage means".
I'm not sure why you're bringing up god in reference to the marriage certificate. I did not mention God in reference to marriage.0 -
I can get on board with the fact you can be committed to a relationship with or without marriage. I can even say if you or Sue or Joe want to have an open marriage that's your business.... but... to me it doesn't make sense (nothing to do with commitment here) because marriage was created to join two people together for the duration of their lives.
Like it or don't that was it's purpose so my thinking is if you can be just as committed in an open relationship and just as committed without being married why not do that rather than muddy what marriage means?
I guess my thinking is it's being married without being married. To me its like getting baptized in a Christian church when you believe in multiple Gods.... What's the point? (I don't want to talk about religion but that's the closest thing I can think of). I don't care if someone else does it but it doesn't make sense to me.
Marriage wasn't created to join two people for the rest of their lives. Nor was marriage created with love in mind. Marriage was a business transaction and a way of owning another person. The notions around when the concept of marriage was created bear no real relevence to society or marriage now.
Hear hear. As far as I know, to actually get married (in the states) you have to sign a piece of paper that says that you're gonna be married and they send you back a piece of paper that says you're married. There's no god mentioned on the marriage license/certificate.
When the government gets out of the marriage business and stops offering over 1000 benefits and incentives to married couples that people considered legally single do not recieve, then maybe there's some ground to stand on about the "muddying of what marriage means".
I'm not sure why you're bringing up god in reference to the marriage certificate. I did not mention God in reference to marriage.
My apologies, I was drawing conclusions from your inclusion of the baptism reference.0 -
I think it can work, depending on the people involved and open communication, but it is just definitely not for me. It never has and never will be.0
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To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)
People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?
If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.
Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.
I just fell in love with you a bit.
Well I am in an open relationship
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