Open Relationships?

oregonzoo

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

You hate the term but love your husband? This makes me think that this is not your idea.

shelbyfrootcake

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

You hate the term but love your husband? This makes me think that this is not your idea.

Hate the term swinger. I also hate it. It conjures images of tacky 70s car key parties, which isn't the reality of the scene at all.

StormyGal8

What I wonder is this: Don't you lose the intimacy and spiritual connectedness of sex with your partner when you have other partners? Or does that even occur?

That's why I could never go there. Its too private, too close/spiritual, too metaphysical even.Guess its just hard for me to understand open relationships. Haha interesting tho.

I can only answer this question from my own experience, but for myself and my husband, we have become more deeply connected, sexually and in life, since we have opened our relationship. While I always knew that sex did not always equal intimacy, it has become 100 times more clear what exactly intimacy is. It's the small touch of a hand when you are driving...it's the kiss on the top of the head before going to sleep at night, its an arm wrapped tightly around you when you wake up in the middle of the night, it's your partner waking up worried because you got up to use the washroom at 2am. Intimacy and sex are not always the same thing...I have found a deeper understanding of intimate...it happens between us during sex, and it happens outside the bedroom.
I hope that answers your question.

shelbyfrootcake

Okay, so here's the thing...

My very best friend in the whole wide world and her husband are swingers. They started out monogamous (for about 10 years) and were that way until about 3 years ago when they both started to explore different aspects of their sexuality with each other and that eventually spread to the addition of others. They very much enjoy the lifestyle and each other. If anything, they're happier now then they were before. The key to their relationship is CONSTANT communication and security in themselves and their relationship. That doesn't mean that there is never jealousy, it simply means that the jealousy is brought up and the underlying issues are worked out just as they should be in every relationship. They quite seriously describe their swinging as "sex for sport." I think it's an apt description.

My relationship is non-traditional. I'm openly bisexual and very secure in myself. We have had other women in our bed together and are currently seeking to add a third person to our relationship in a polyamorous way.

Sex can absolutely be just sex. If you cannot separate the two, that doesn't mean that you should disparage others that can. While my SO and I were living apart, I was okay with him sleeping with another woman because he most certainly can separate the two. However, for me I have a hard time separating emotion for and sex with the person I am with. I am a rather emotional person and I am okay with that.

Different variations of relationships work for different people. I think we would all do well to remember that.

**If we were to add another girl onto our relationship permanently we would be honest with our children. I know better than to try and hide things from them because children are so perceptive. Besides, I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they must be a secret. Seriously, how would you feel if you had to be a secret?

It's as easy to explain to them as being gay or bisexual. For that I simply told them that it's okay to love who you love. It doesn't matter what anyone says as long as the people involved are happy. They know that I am capable of loving both boys and girls in that respect. If we teach our children tolerance from a young age, they should have no problem understanding the non-sexual aspects of something like poly.

Polyamory is where I'd like to get to with my relationship eventually. We just don't seem to have the time at the moment!!

MandaLeigh123

I have some friends who have been married 25 years and the relationship has been open the entire time. It's working for them

JustJennie1

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

You hate the term but love your husband? This makes me think that this is not your idea.

Hate the term swinger. I also hate it. It conjures images of tacky 70s car key parties, which isn't the reality of the scene at all.

That's why it's called "being in the Lifestyle". I rarely use the term "Swinger"

magj0y

I guess open relationships have never really made sense to me. it's like cheating with permission :noway:

This. I know someone that is married and has an open relationship. They recently separated. It doesn't work, try something else. I've been with my husband for 20 years and if we can spice up our sex life w/o other individuals so can you.

I know someone who was monogamous and they got a divorce. That proves monogamy doesn't work?

^^yes! I know! 5 out of 11 people on my block are on their 2nd marriage. One broke of an engagement to hook up with her husband. 1 was cheated on while she was pregnant!
In 2010, 870,000 couples divorced (not including 4 states). Not all were swingers. I'd say less than 10% were swingers.

Monogamy obviously isn't for everyone!

oregonzoo

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

You hate the term but love your husband? This makes me think that this is not your idea.

Hate the term swinger. I also hate it. It conjures images of tacky 70s car key parties, which isn't the reality of the scene at all.

I'd hope not! Did you ever see "the ice storm"? THAT was what the movie was about and that movie did not end well!
**I'm trying to inject humor.. sorry!

pain_is_weakness

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

You hate the term but love your husband? This makes me think that this is not your idea.

how funny, actually i was the one who brought it up a while ago, not him . . .I hate the term swingers cuz it brings negative attention, but unfortunately there is no easy way to explain what my husband and I ahve but it is gret for both of us!

JustJennie1

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

You hate the term but love your husband? This makes me think that this is not your idea.

how funny, actually i was the one who brought it up a while ago, not him . . .I hate the term swingers cuz it brings negative attention, but unfortunately there is no easy way to explain what my husband and I ahve but it is gret for both of us!

"We're in the Lifestyle". Those who are in it know what you're talking about. Those who don't . . .well it doesn't really matter does it?

StormyGal8

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

You hate the term but love your husband? This makes me think that this is not your idea.

how funny, actually i was the one who brought it up a while ago, not him . . .I hate the term swingers cuz it brings negative attention, but unfortunately there is no easy way to explain what my husband and I ahve but it is gret for both of us!

Funny, I too was the one who suggested we open our marriage!

Momjogger

Guess I hit a nerve. I was expressing my opinion, which is what was aqsked for. Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion. As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken. Children see and know more than you can ever conceive. As teachers we hear alot of private information from the kids we teach that parents would die about if we ever told them (circle time in kindergarten is hilarious and sometimes horrifying). IIf you have to hide it from your kids, are you really proud of it? Does it have honor and value? Commitment is hard, that is why so many people divorce. It is also rare and covetted, and so worth it.

I guess you would go and tell your 6 and 8 year old "Hey, me and your dad had the hottest, kinkiest sex last night"??? Yeah...my kids don't know, since they don't understand about sex yet. I never said I was PROUD of it...the sexual agreement between my husband and myself is just that. I don't boast about it to friends, I don't hang a banner from my roof. We simply live our lives in the way that suits us best. I know exactly how hard commitment is thanks. My husband and I have been achieving it for the last 10 years, despite the fact that we sleep with other people. As a matter of fact, after 10 years together, my husband STILL treats me better, kinder and more sweetly than most new couples I know. My little girls are growing up knowing how a man should treat someone he loves. My children are growing up seeing what LOVE looks like, and my children are growing up knowing that no matter how they choose to live, no matter their sexual orientations, their politics, their religions, if they find happiness in their hearts, we will love and support them.

So go ahead and spew your close mindedness and judgement, in the end, I know that children will grow up surrounded by love and acceptance (love and acceptance of them, love and acceptance of each other, love and acceptance of people who live different lives than us for any number of other reasons), no matter what happens behind closed doors.

Again, my opinion. You are so angry about this. It makes me sad.I never spewed or judged. I just disagree.

You're exact words were "As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken."
That is passing judgment. You should try looking it up. You assume that my children are unsafe, since we always go out to play, no one ever comes into my house, therefor my children are just as safe as if I was in a monogamous relationship.We don't even get a sitter, one of us goes out to play at a time, and the other stays home with the kids...
I am angry at your assumptions, and your prejudice, I am not angry at my lifestyle. I am not defensive, I am self righteous. You have a lot of misconceptions and sadly, as a teacher, you are sharing that judgmental attitude with your students whether you mean to or not.
You would be amazed at the colours you would see if you opened your mind (not your lifestyle, just your mind) a wee bit. I have inner peace, I go to sleep wrapped in love every night. I don't need your acceptance, but I will not sit here and accept you accusing me of endangering my children, or allowing them to live in an unsafe environment because of what I do behind closed doors (OTHER PEOPLE'S closed doors).

I know bringing up children immediately hits people's defense button, but that should be a major consideration in this lifestyle because it WILL affect them, and it can only affect them negatively IN MY OPINION - but anyone can take some teaching or sociology classes, which discuss research and statistics that back up my opinion. Everything a parent does affects kids. Also, the poster is correct, she only asked for opinions from people who have tried the lifestyle. My bad.

StormyGal8

Guess I hit a nerve. I was expressing my opinion, which is what was aqsked for. Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion. As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken. Children see and know more than you can ever conceive. As teachers we hear alot of private information from the kids we teach that parents would die about if we ever told them (circle time in kindergarten is hilarious and sometimes horrifying). IIf you have to hide it from your kids, are you really proud of it? Does it have honor and value? Commitment is hard, that is why so many people divorce. It is also rare and covetted, and so worth it.

I guess you would go and tell your 6 and 8 year old "Hey, me and your dad had the hottest, kinkiest sex last night"??? Yeah...my kids don't know, since they don't understand about sex yet. I never said I was PROUD of it...the sexual agreement between my husband and myself is just that. I don't boast about it to friends, I don't hang a banner from my roof. We simply live our lives in the way that suits us best. I know exactly how hard commitment is thanks. My husband and I have been achieving it for the last 10 years, despite the fact that we sleep with other people. As a matter of fact, after 10 years together, my husband STILL treats me better, kinder and more sweetly than most new couples I know. My little girls are growing up knowing how a man should treat someone he loves. My children are growing up seeing what LOVE looks like, and my children are growing up knowing that no matter how they choose to live, no matter their sexual orientations, their politics, their religions, if they find happiness in their hearts, we will love and support them.

So go ahead and spew your close mindedness and judgement, in the end, I know that children will grow up surrounded by love and acceptance (love and acceptance of them, love and acceptance of each other, love and acceptance of people who live different lives than us for any number of other reasons), no matter what happens behind closed doors.

Again, my opinion. You are so angry about this. It makes me sad.I never spewed or judged. I just disagree.

You're exact words were "As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken."
That is passing judgment. You should try looking it up. You assume that my children are unsafe, since we always go out to play, no one ever comes into my house, therefor my children are just as safe as if I was in a monogamous relationship.We don't even get a sitter, one of us goes out to play at a time, and the other stays home with the kids...
I am angry at your assumptions, and your prejudice, I am not angry at my lifestyle. I am not defensive, I am self righteous. You have a lot of misconceptions and sadly, as a teacher, you are sharing that judgmental attitude with your students whether you mean to or not.
You would be amazed at the colours you would see if you opened your mind (not your lifestyle, just your mind) a wee bit. I have inner peace, I go to sleep wrapped in love every night. I don't need your acceptance, but I will not sit here and accept you accusing me of endangering my children, or allowing them to live in an unsafe environment because of what I do behind closed doors (OTHER PEOPLE'S closed doors).

I know bringing up children immediately hits people's defense button, but that should be a major consideration in this lifestyle because it WILL affect them, and it can only affect them negatively IN MY OPINION - but anyone can take some teaching or sociology classes, which discuss research and statistics that back up my opinion. Everything a parent does affects kids. Also, the poster is correct, she only asked for opinions from people who have tried the lifestyle. My bad.

So you just admitted to being antagonistic! Alrighty then. Yeah and *I* am the one damaging MY kids!

Enjoy your views. This is the last of my time that I will be wasting on you, after all, it's summer vacation! I need to go screw my kids up more!

akirhol

Reddit has several populated subreddits about these topics. r/polyamory is one I frequent often and topics that don't extend into romantic relationships are often discussed there as well, such as strictly sexually open relationships (The Lifestyle, as it were).

You are asking the wrong place for advice about this, you need to go to a concentrated source of information. The western world at large knows only the negative about open relationships because that is all that anyone ever hears about. Due to the negative connotations, most open relationship couples keep it to themselves so you never hear about the positive ones.

If a relationship is strong and communication is honest and open, a non-monogamous relationship can work if it is right for the people involved. It does work for a much larger number of people than you will typically see on a forum such as this. What doesn't work is attempting to open a relationship to save the marriage. These are the most common accounts of failure, and they pretty much always do end in failure.

Feel free to message me if you're not familiar with Reddit and would like some direct links/information or if you just want to talk about the topic.

JustJennie1

Guess I hit a nerve. I was expressing my opinion, which is what was aqsked for. Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion. As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken. Children see and know more than you can ever conceive. As teachers we hear alot of private information from the kids we teach that parents would die about if we ever told them (circle time in kindergarten is hilarious and sometimes horrifying). IIf you have to hide it from your kids, are you really proud of it? Does it have honor and value? Commitment is hard, that is why so many people divorce. It is also rare and covetted, and so worth it.

I guess you would go and tell your 6 and 8 year old "Hey, me and your dad had the hottest, kinkiest sex last night"??? Yeah...my kids don't know, since they don't understand about sex yet. I never said I was PROUD of it...the sexual agreement between my husband and myself is just that. I don't boast about it to friends, I don't hang a banner from my roof. We simply live our lives in the way that suits us best. I know exactly how hard commitment is thanks. My husband and I have been achieving it for the last 10 years, despite the fact that we sleep with other people. As a matter of fact, after 10 years together, my husband STILL treats me better, kinder and more sweetly than most new couples I know. My little girls are growing up knowing how a man should treat someone he loves. My children are growing up seeing what LOVE looks like, and my children are growing up knowing that no matter how they choose to live, no matter their sexual orientations, their politics, their religions, if they find happiness in their hearts, we will love and support them.

So go ahead and spew your close mindedness and judgement, in the end, I know that children will grow up surrounded by love and acceptance (love and acceptance of them, love and acceptance of each other, love and acceptance of people who live different lives than us for any number of other reasons), no matter what happens behind closed doors.

Again, my opinion. You are so angry about this. It makes me sad.I never spewed or judged. I just disagree.

You're exact words were "As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken."
That is passing judgment. You should try looking it up. You assume that my children are unsafe, since we always go out to play, no one ever comes into my house, therefor my children are just as safe as if I was in a monogamous relationship.We don't even get a sitter, one of us goes out to play at a time, and the other stays home with the kids...
I am angry at your assumptions, and your prejudice, I am not angry at my lifestyle. I am not defensive, I am self righteous. You have a lot of misconceptions and sadly, as a teacher, you are sharing that judgmental attitude with your students whether you mean to or not.
You would be amazed at the colours you would see if you opened your mind (not your lifestyle, just your mind) a wee bit. I have inner peace, I go to sleep wrapped in love every night. I don't need your acceptance, but I will not sit here and accept you accusing me of endangering my children, or allowing them to live in an unsafe environment because of what I do behind closed doors (OTHER PEOPLE'S closed doors).

I know bringing up children immediately hits people's defense button, but that should be a major consideration in this lifestyle because it WILL affect them, and it can only affect them negatively IN MY OPINION - but anyone can take some teaching or sociology classes, which discuss research and statistics that back up my opinion. Everything a parent does affects kids. Also, the poster is correct, she only asked for opinions from people who have tried the lifestyle. My bad.

Oh PLEASE!

I am friends with several people in the lifestyle who have kids and they're anything BUT screwed up due to the lifestyle their parents lead.

Do you really think I knew when my parents were getting it on when I was a kid let alone wondered if they were screwing the neighbors when they went over there for drinks? No. For crying out loud it's not like these people are having group sex in the middle of the living room while the kids are playing X-box or having swinger parties while their kids are home. It's just not done and there's no reason why a child would know what is going on behind closed doors.

SuperSexyDork

Guess I hit a nerve. I was expressing my opinion, which is what was aqsked for. Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion. As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken. Children see and know more than you can ever conceive. As teachers we hear alot of private information from the kids we teach that parents would die about if we ever told them (circle time in kindergarten is hilarious and sometimes horrifying). IIf you have to hide it from your kids, are you really proud of it? Does it have honor and value? Commitment is hard, that is why so many people divorce. It is also rare and covetted, and so worth it.

I guess you would go and tell your 6 and 8 year old "Hey, me and your dad had the hottest, kinkiest sex last night"??? Yeah...my kids don't know, since they don't understand about sex yet. I never said I was PROUD of it...the sexual agreement between my husband and myself is just that. I don't boast about it to friends, I don't hang a banner from my roof. We simply live our lives in the way that suits us best. I know exactly how hard commitment is thanks. My husband and I have been achieving it for the last 10 years, despite the fact that we sleep with other people. As a matter of fact, after 10 years together, my husband STILL treats me better, kinder and more sweetly than most new couples I know. My little girls are growing up knowing how a man should treat someone he loves. My children are growing up seeing what LOVE looks like, and my children are growing up knowing that no matter how they choose to live, no matter their sexual orientations, their politics, their religions, if they find happiness in their hearts, we will love and support them.

So go ahead and spew your close mindedness and judgement, in the end, I know that children will grow up surrounded by love and acceptance (love and acceptance of them, love and acceptance of each other, love and acceptance of people who live different lives than us for any number of other reasons), no matter what happens behind closed doors.

Again, my opinion. You are so angry about this. It makes me sad.I never spewed or judged. I just disagree.

You're exact words were "As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken."
That is passing judgment. You should try looking it up. You assume that my children are unsafe, since we always go out to play, no one ever comes into my house, therefor my children are just as safe as if I was in a monogamous relationship.We don't even get a sitter, one of us goes out to play at a time, and the other stays home with the kids...
I am angry at your assumptions, and your prejudice, I am not angry at my lifestyle. I am not defensive, I am self righteous. You have a lot of misconceptions and sadly, as a teacher, you are sharing that judgmental attitude with your students whether you mean to or not.
You would be amazed at the colours you would see if you opened your mind (not your lifestyle, just your mind) a wee bit. I have inner peace, I go to sleep wrapped in love every night. I don't need your acceptance, but I will not sit here and accept you accusing me of endangering my children, or allowing them to live in an unsafe environment because of what I do behind closed doors (OTHER PEOPLE'S closed doors).

I know bringing up children immediately hits people's defense button, but that should be a major consideration in this lifestyle because it WILL affect them, and it can only affect them negatively IN MY OPINION - but anyone can take some teaching or sociology classes, which discuss research and statistics that back up my opinion. Everything a parent does affects kids. Also, the poster is correct, she only asked for opinions from people who have tried the lifestyle. My bad.

Okay, so from what I'm understanding your viewpoint is that the exposure of a child to alternate choices in lifestyle will only ever affect them negatively?

You don't believe in widening the viewpoints of the human race or raising children to become open-minded adults then, do you?

obrendao

Also, the poster is correct, she only asked for opinions from people who have tried the lifestyle. My bad.

True but it is an MFP forum and this lifestyle is controversial, which will accordingly make people react, negatively or positively. Only human nature to respond. Can't make a filter for only those she seeks to share the experiences.

And everyone will then argue for/against it, if their beliefs are strong enough. I have held my own views and values and (gasp) judgment back because there is no point apart from stirring things up.

HappyathomeMN

These threads always crack me up because all the people who have no idea what a swinger relationship is about come out of the wood work and talk about how horrible it is, how evil, how bad, how disrespectful without ever being in that kind of a relationship or have friends in it for that matter.

My husband and I are in the lifestyle and it's fun. We've met some great people and made some long lasting friendships that go across the globe. My husband and I love and respect each other. We didn't go into this blindly (although we did stumble upon it by accident) and it's the love and respect for each other that makes it work. We have rules and boundaries . Every decision made is a mutual one and if I'm ever uncomfortable with anything then the brakes get put on.

Just because someone chooses to be in the lifestyle doesn't meant that they're not happy in their relationship. Don't judge someone because they choose to do something that you wouldn't or that you think is wrong because guess what? There might be something that YOU do in YOUR relationship that I wouldn't do and I consider wrong but I'm not about to throw judgment at you because it's your life, your relationship. Not mine. No, it's not for everyone but people need to realize and understand that the people who are in the lifestyle aren't immoral. It has nothing to do with a lack of respect on any ones part or "wanting to get as much sex with as many people as you possibly can". It has nothing to do with not loving the person you're with. It's about having fun, meeting people and making some great friends.

Do your research and talk to people who are actually IN the lifestyle before you start vomiting judgement.

THANK YOU, an honest, insightful expression of someone who KNOWS! Well said.

gabeej

My children are growing up seeing what LOVE looks like, and my children are growing up knowing that no matter how they choose to live, no matter their sexual orientations, their politics, their religions, if they find happiness in their hearts, we will love and support them.

This is beautiful. I teared up when I read that. Your children are lucky. End of story.

MissC787

I met a swinging couple while out with friends one night. They tried to get me to join them. I told them I was not interested in that sort of thing, but I was curious how they made it work for them.

Here are some of their rules....

1. No kissing.

2. They could lick, suck, touch, and have the same done to them.

3. He could not put his penis into anyone but his wife, and she could not have anyone else's in her.

4. They had to agree on the girl they brought home.

5. It could not be a friend, or anyone they know. It always had to be someone random.

6. There would be no sleep overs.

There were more, but I don't remember them all. Those were the biggest ones.