How to tell her she's gaining weight...

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  • Moretakitty
    Moretakitty Posts: 168 Member
    My husband and I are very open about our thoughts on each others' bodies. There is nothing wrong with saying, "I've noticed you've gained a little weight.. is there something I can do to help with your fitness? I want us both to live long, happy lives together." ... it's true, it's thoughtful, and it shows a team effort.


    If you say, "Baby, put down the oreos. I know your muffin top is getting Costco-big." you are likely to get served.

    This - but it also depends on your relationship. How do you think she'd react? If my hubby told me, I'd be butt hurt, but as most say, I already knew. I was telling him I wanted to lose weight and I was asking him for help.

    I am 42, I want to have one more child, my husband said that I need to lose weight for the child's and my health, and he's right. I know he has my health foremost in his mind.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
    You may be fine with the shoe being on the other foot. But if that shoe was on my foot, I'd be wondering what would be coming the next time I didn't measure up.

    You're probably right. It's better to not know what's going through her head. Surprises are fun!

    Oh, you deliberately missed the point. That was no fun, because that's not a surprise.
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    You may be fine with the shoe being on the other foot. But if that shoe was on my foot, I'd be wondering what would be coming the next time I didn't measure up.

    You're probably right. It's better to not know what's going through her head. Surprises are fun!

    Oh, you deliberately missed the point. That was no fun, because that's not a surprise.

    Your point and my point seem tangential at best. I never, for example, claimed that "it was as easy for most people to lose weight as their partner telling them to." And all that stuff about you was a great read, but has little to do with me in this thread. I'm all for you sharing. I just don't particularly want it projected onto my comments. Perhaps leave it at that?
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
    But to address your point--no, healthy relationships don't always involve knowing your partner's every thought. My husband and I manage to communicate about the big stuff but keep the not so pleasant thoughts to ourselves most of the time.

    You prefer something else? That's great. Glad it works out for you. But not everyone who is "butthurt" about this topic is in a failing relationship.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member

    People who say that if you really love her you don't care what she looks like etc are living a pipe dream. A complete and healthy relationship involves that sort of love yes, but it also includes physical attraction. If you allow that attraction to die, you are allowing the relationship to faulter. Don't you owe it to your mate to preserve your mutual relationship as best you can? And perhaps your relationship can survive the loss of the physical. Perhaps not.

    Don't act like you didn't get personal with the other poster's relationships or make inferences. I'm all for dropping this discussion with you. But I'm not projecting on to your comments. I'm responding to them.
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    But not everyone who is "butthurt" about this topic is in a failing relationship.

    I'm pretty sure I did not make that claim.
  • jyuubi
    jyuubi Posts: 109
    You should never tell your girl that she's gaining weight. Like everyone has said, she probably already knows. And if she does nothing about it, more than likely, she just doesn't care. It's her body, let her decide what to do with it. Now if it becomes a huge health-related concern, you tell them you're worried about their health. But a few pounds can hardly matter.
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    Don't act like you didn't get personal with the other poster's relationships or make inferences. I'm all for dropping this discussion with you. But I'm not projecting on to your comments. I'm responding to them.

    I'm pretty sure I didn't make any such inferences.

    Really, this is all you.
  • Sherbog
    Sherbog Posts: 1,072 Member
    For your own piece of mind (notice I said piece) don't go there.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
    But not everyone who is "butthurt" about this topic is in a failing relationship.

    I'm pretty sure I did not make that claim.

    For future conversations with you, I will keep all responses to you framed through quoting you verbatim and leave the paraphrasing, sarcasm, and exaggeration to you. (Probably not.)

    To help you though, a concrete example is that I'm pretty sure I did not say that not knowing what is going through your partner's head is the way to go because surprises are fun.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
    Don't act like you didn't get personal with the other poster's relationships or make inferences. I'm all for dropping this discussion with you. But I'm not projecting on to your comments. I'm responding to them.

    I'm pretty sure I didn't make any such inferences.

    Really, this is all you.

    Yet, you're still responding.
  • wjewell
    wjewell Posts: 282 Member
    To be honest... i think if you two are in a serious relationship, you're both secure with your relationship- you should be able to say it to her in a gentle way. My boyfriend told me that we've both gained weight since getting together. Did I get upset? No, because it's the truth. He's not saying he loves me any less, he is just telling me we need to do something. I worked out, lost weight, stopped and gained it all back. He told me he could tell my tummy was getting a little bigger. Did i get upset? Nope. I love him, he loves me, it's a process. Why would I be mad at him? Because he is the one person who is completely honest with me? Lol. I say tell her gently.
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member

    For future conversations with you, I will keep all responses to you framed through quoting you verbatim and leave the paraphrasing, sarcasm, and exaggeration to you. (Probably not.)

    Good idea.
    To help you though, a concrete example is that I'm pretty sure I did not say that not knowing what is going through your partner's head is the way to go because surprises are fun.

    No, I said surprises are fun. I didn't say that you said that. My implication is that if you bury your head in the sand to avoid knowing what your partner is thinking (or should I say make it clear that such information is unwanted), then you are apt to one day encounter a nasty surprise. That's my assessment, and I claim it as all mine!

    And sure, "bury your head in the sand" has a negative connotation. That was deliberate.
  • PoetaChica
    PoetaChica Posts: 4 Member
    While many need a softer approach with this type of information, others think they have it in control when they truly do not. Only you know your spouse/partner. With that being said, you should also know the best way to communicate anything to that person without fear of ending up in the ER. :P

    Personally, it would hurt my feelings a bit even with the softest words. Say anything you want, it translates as "fat" to many BUT I still want to be told and feel that my hubby should support me with that. Actions are better.
  • PonyTailedLoser
    PonyTailedLoser Posts: 315 Member
    OMG. Don't do it man.
  • myth4ever
    myth4ever Posts: 372
    Say it without SAYING IT......."honey go to the gym with me....... lets go to the park.....can we have baked chicken and a salad for dinner tonight"...

    Your #1 job is protecting her....physically, emotionally,financially, and spiritually! She will only go as far as you lead by example not with words.
  • RebeccaLeinen
    RebeccaLeinen Posts: 110 Member
    Im not going to read all the comments on here so i may repeat...but i'll tell you i wish my husband would say something once in a while... instead he tells me how great i look and how skinny i look... but that's not helping me reach any goals! I have a mirror i'm far from skinny...i'm glad he accepts my body...but i need some pointers and support in losing the weight!
  • rextcat
    rextcat Posts: 1,408 Member
    husband told me i was discustly fat directly after giving birth to our first, he still cluches his nuts when i make my angry face(its been a few years)
    basicly NEVER EVER EVER MENTION YOUR LADYS WEIGHT EVER.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member

    No, I said surprises are fun. I didn't say that you said that. My implication is that if you bury your head in the sand to avoid knowing what your partner is thinking (or should I say make it clear that such information is unwanted), then you are apt to one day encounter a nasty surprise. That's my assessment, and I claim it as all mine!

    And sure, "bury your head in the sand" has a negative connotation. That was deliberate.

    Thanks for explaining your clever code to me. I completely couldn't understand it and was very puzzled because you said, "You're right" and then followed your thought up. You know. An implication.

    Since we are condescending to each other by telling each other things we already know, here's my clarification for you. I knew you didn't really think that I believed that you said I said that. I was illustrating for you the way you try to create rabbit holes to duck the actual issue. Since you understand burying your head in the sand, I'll rest comfortably in knowing that you can figure out for yourself that rabbit holes and the negative connotation were deliberate.

    I'm going to put you on hide, because you and I have ascertained that this actual issue will never come up between the two of us as we would likely have told each other what is on our minds way before we ever got to the hot or not issue, and I don't feel good derailing the thread any further. I don't actually like arguing and debating much, and I don't want to do this with you again. But I know myself well enough to know that I will. Not my finest quality but there it is.
  • amrita0286
    amrita0286 Posts: 75
    I wouldn't mind if my husband told me that IF he offered some advice or some tips on how to get rid of the weight. Actually my hubby and I are best friends first , so I would want him to tell me. I don't want someone else saying it instead! That would just be downright embarrassing. So I would appreciate the honesty because I'm sure he would too.
    Yah maybe I might give him some attitude but I think it would be the kick in the pants I would need to get into shape.
  • misskerouac
    misskerouac Posts: 2,242 Member
    My husband told me I was fat about a year ago, I still bring it up. Yes it's stupid that I bring it up, but I was open about the fact that I was unhappy with my weight and I was working on it already and he told me that I should drop 50lb, but he also said it when we were fighting so it was more just to hurt me.

    I was pissed off because I have NEVER EVER brought up anything he is self conscious about even if he has asked me my opinion, i have always just reassured him that I love him for who he is.

    She knows she's gaining weight.

    There is no reason to tell her.
  • Sirxx99
    Sirxx99 Posts: 43
    I have said so... If you cant be honest with each other your better off not together anyway. Doesn't constitute being mean about it. Maybe she just does't know or maybe she doesn't care. I am sure you are not with her just because of her looks however I would expect the same in return if i was looking a bit sloppy and she wasn't happy with it.
  • DesireeLovesOrganic
    DesireeLovesOrganic Posts: 456 Member
    What is "some pounds?" Like 10? 25? 40? 100? I think that makes a difference. Still, I wouldn't say anything. People have to change themselves, not FOR other people. Maybe planning some active things to do instead of say, happy hour, etc. If you are bringing crap food into the home, that doesn't help either. Be an example with food and take the lead in planning active things. Sign up for a fun marathon to do together and train for it? Color Run? Mud Run? Foam Fest?
  • yourenotmine
    yourenotmine Posts: 645 Member
    Just tell her that she looks festive

    I LOL'd
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    Thanks for explaining your clever code to me. I completely couldn't understand it and was very puzzled because you said, "You're right" and then followed your thought up. You know. An implication.

    Since we are condescending to each other by telling each other things we already know, here's my clarification for you. I knew you didn't really think that I believed that you said I said that. I was illustrating for you the way you try to create rabbit holes to duck the actual issue. Since you understand burying your head in the sand, I'll rest comfortably in knowing that you can figure out for yourself that rabbit holes and the negative connotation were deliberate.

    So you were (and still are) being deliberately disingenuous in order to show me that I was saying things which I wasn't actually saying. OK. \o/
  • ndarling89
    ndarling89 Posts: 3
    It would really hurt if my boy friend came out and said that because like everyone is saying she already knows. The more weight I've lost the morre I notice how unhealthy my bf is. I boasted about my awesome workouts and how good I feel then suggested we compete because I know hes competitive and I needed an extra push. Now he texts me after every workout to see if I am keeping up...... I get encouragement and a healthier guy, worked like a charm :)
  • vivie72
    vivie72 Posts: 127 Member
    Obviously,she knows.

    Don't tell her. There is such thing as justifiable homicide, you know.

    I love it!!
  • thebigcb
    thebigcb Posts: 2,210 Member
    Just say to her next time you are out for dinner with friends/family really loudly

    " Hey waiter, no potatoes for the whale, shes been salad dodging the last while, needs to get the green in"
  • beckajw
    beckajw Posts: 1,728 Member
    Just say to her next time you are out for dinner with friends/family really loudly

    " Hey waiter, no potatoes for the whale, shes been salad dodging the last while, needs to get the green in"


    :laugh:
  • thebigcb
    thebigcb Posts: 2,210 Member
    Just say to her next time you are out for dinner with friends/family really loudly

    " Hey waiter, no potatoes for the whale, shes been salad dodging the last while, needs to get the green in"


    :laugh:

    I am sure she'll love you for it in the end

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