The Science Behind "Nice" People

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  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
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    Just because you change your username, doesn't mean that people forget who you are.
    Hmm. I thought I was plain and forgettable. Weird.

    I would say you have a hard time pulling your punches, Hudson.
    I've been told that, yes.
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
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    Something to ponder on your way to Sunday school this morning.
    I actually read this after teaching my Sunday school class. I believe we are called to be kind to people because we are all made in the image and likeness of God. I find your way of thinking to be cynical and profoundly sad. I'm so glad I do not shre your worldview of humanity.

    I also don't find you scary and intimidating. I find you quite arrogant and pessimistic. I believe you are probably very insecure, which makes me want to be nice/kind to you- as difficult as I find it. I hope you have an awesome day and your view of humanity changes. Peace.
  • opuntia
    opuntia Posts: 860 Member
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    YES! Keep going! Whyyyy don't a vast majority of people screw over other people???
    (I will bring this full circle if it kills me.)

    Well, if you'd read my whole post, I did keep going and I did explain this. :tongue: I have never disagreed with you about people having self-serving motives - the survival instinct is strong (although not the only instinct).

    I just don't see it as simplistically as you seem to. You are saying some daft things sometimes, maybe just to get a reaction, and maybe because you don't know as much about this as you are pretending to.
  • Silverkittycat
    Silverkittycat Posts: 1,997 Member
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    You are saying some daft things sometimes, maybe just to get a reaction, and maybe because you don't know as much about this as you are pretending to.

    He doesn't, and I'm not doing his homework for him. ;)
  • opuntia
    opuntia Posts: 860 Member
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    I actually read this after teaching my Sunday school class. I believe we are called to be kind to people because we are all made in the image and likeness of God. I find your way of thinking to be cynical and profoundly sad. I'm so glad I do not shre your worldview of humanity.

    To be fair, Jesus also states that we shouldn't trust other people, but should only trust God. But this is one aspect where the OP's logic seems a bit flawed. Not putting our trust in other people doesn't automatically mean we should be unfriendly and unkind to them. We are all flawed, and we all let people down sometimes - to trust a person to never hurt us is unrealistic. But that doesn't mean we can't form friendships and be kind to each other.
  • subcult
    subcult Posts: 262 Member
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    OP, you might find this series interesting -

    http://www.radiolab.org/2010/dec/14/

    http://www.radiolab.org/2010/dec/14/equation-good/
    I love me some radio lab.
  • Sheirai
    Sheirai Posts: 79 Member
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    I'm sorry you're so sad, GoriilaEsq. I believe in something called enlightened self interest. I've noticed that when the people around me are happy, I'm usually happy, too. So it seems it's in my own interests to do things that make others happy. And sometimes, it just feels so good! Some of the people I know call this phenomenon "love". I'm sure there's a formula that can reduce it to the animalistic drive it probably is, but I'm too dumb to care. (I've also noticed that when I approach others with suspicion and hostility, expecting the worst form them, that's usually what I get...go figure.) Have you ever seen the BBC Adam Curtis documentary "The Trap"? John Nash had some interesting ideas about this whole thing...highly recommend.
  • opuntia
    opuntia Posts: 860 Member
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    I always question motivation. The word "trust" is too broad (someone mentioned that earlier).

    But everyone does this automatically, unless they have a disability where they can't. That generally isn't about trust - it's about trying to see what the person is wanting to communicate, and respond appropriately. If a neighbour says 'Hi, how are you?' they could be just wanting to keep friendly relations between you, as you're a neighbour and it's good to form a community and look out for each other. Or they could be wanting to start a conversation, to talk to you about something in particular (maybe your music is too loud, or maybe they want to gossip about another neighbour). Or maybe you've been in hospital recently and they want to know if you are better, because they are worried about you. People are automatically subconsciously aware of possible reasons behind what people say and do - then they are able to adapt to whatever direction the interaction takes.
  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
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    Something to ponder on your way to Sunday school this morning.
    I actually read this after teaching my Sunday school class. I believe we are called to be kind to people because we are all made in the image and likeness of God. I find your way of thinking to be cynical and profoundly sad. I'm so glad I do not shre your worldview of humanity.

    I also don't find you scary and intimidating. I find you quite arrogant and pessimistic. I believe you are probably very insecure, which makes me want to be nice/kind to you- as difficult as I find it. I hope you have an awesome day and your view of humanity changes. Peace.
    If I knew for a fact that I personally did not create the post above as a "plant," I wouldn't believe it was real.

    A Sunday school teacher... who clearly, and concisely... using eight (8) different negatively critical qualifiers in her post... was compelled to "lecture" me... whilst sitting in a house of God.... and expressed pure angst, to the extent of manifested hatred... toward me... a complete stranger....

    YET...

    She closed by saying she would "be nice to me," even though she didn't want to be nice to me.

    And therein, the argument for always questioning... motivation.

    Be sure to tip your waitresses...
  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
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    I just don't see it as simplistically as you seem to. You are saying some daft things sometimes, maybe just to get a reaction, and maybe because you don't know as much about this as you are pretending to.
    Possibly. Or, maybe I get kick out of watching people get extraordinarily mean, ugly and aggressive... with a complete stranger... whilst describing how fundamentally "nice" they really are... to complete strangers.

    Hmmm...

    (And I'm not talking about you btw... I've enjoyed your posts for the quality of thought, rather than the irony.)
  • opuntia
    opuntia Posts: 860 Member
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    I've noticed that when the people around me are happy, I'm usually happy, too. So it seems it's in my own interests to do things that make others happy. And sometimes, it just feels so good!

    Yes. This is the empathy thing I was talking about. It is of course partly self-serving, but it's about interaction, so it's not just about you, but about you and the other people and the relationship that exists between you. It can't be separated discretely into you and them - it's about relationship and community, where the sum is greater than the parts.

    People have mirror neurons where they actually feel the pain of other people in pain - so of course it's in for their own sake as well as the other person's sake that they want to help and want the person to not be in pain. This isn't a bad thing. It just shows that there is more to our make-up than purely the individual. We exist in communities, and our sense of self is entwined within community.

    This is why the OP is too simplistic. It's not taking into consideration other aspects of psychology and neurology which have been researched in this area. Human motivation is incredibly complex.
  • BarbACona
    BarbACona Posts: 76
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    If any of you readers are a Christian like myself, then there would be another reason for being nice, or kind. Coincidentally enough I chose this attribute as the focus for my 5th thru 8th grade girls Sunday School lesson this morning.
    God instructs us to be kind and treat others as we would want to be treated ourselves. Jesus teaches mankind to be helpful, loving and forgiving. In following the Master's role model we please not only oiur brothers and sisters in Christ, but more importantly our Father in Heaven.
    The win win is that the world is also made a better place each time an act of kindness or niceness is done for someone, and isn't that a world we all would rather nurture and live in than a world of cynicism and doubt?
  • Silverkittycat
    Silverkittycat Posts: 1,997 Member
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    This is why the OP is too simplistic. It's not taking into consideration other aspects of psychology and neurology which have been researched in this area. Human motivation is incredibly complex.

    Yes.
  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
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    I just don't see it as simplistically as you seem to. You are saying some daft things sometimes, maybe just to get a reaction, and maybe because you don't know as much about this as you are pretending to.
    Possibly. Or, maybe I get kick out of watching people get extraordinarily mean, ugly and aggressive... with a complete stranger... whilst describing how fundamentally "nice" they really are... to complete strangers.

    Hmmm...

    (And I'm not talking about you btw... I've enjoyed your posts for the quality of thought, rather than the irony.)
    How many people just read that and completely reevaluated their entire perception of themselves? Probably not many. How many people read that and thought, "OMG I HATE THIS GUY. WHERE'S THAT REPLY BUTTON... I'LL SHOW HIM HOW NICE I F**KING AM..." hahaha.
  • _VoV
    _VoV Posts: 1,494 Member
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    I just don't see it as simplistically as you seem to. You are saying some daft things sometimes, maybe just to get a reaction, and maybe because you don't know as much about this as you are pretending to.
    Possibly. Or, maybe I get kick out of watching people get extraordinarily mean, ugly and aggressive... with a complete stranger... whilst describing how fundamentally "nice" they really are... to complete strangers.

    Hmmm...

    (And I'm not talking about you btw... I've enjoyed your posts for the quality of thought, rather than the irony.)

    When you bait people, you will succeed in getting some of them to bite. Was this your motive behind posting this?
  • wild_wild_life
    wild_wild_life Posts: 1,334 Member
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    Yes. This is the empathy thing I was talking about. It is of course partly self-serving, but it's about interaction, so it's not just about you, but about you and the other people and the relationship that exists between you. It can't be separated discretely into you and them - it's about relationship and community, where the sum is greater than the parts.

    That's the coolest thing I've read all morning. :smile:

    I do believe it is hardwired into us to get along and cooperate for the benefit of the group and thus ourselves, but I don't see this as a bad thing at all, or any reason to adopt a certain position in regards to others' motivation.
  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
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    When you bait people, you will succeed in getting some of them to bite. Was this your motive behind posting this?
    No. Like I said, it was a follow-up to the other thread.
  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
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    Yes. This is the empathy thing I was talking about. It is of course partly self-serving, but it's about interaction, so it's not just about you, but about you and the other people and the relationship that exists between you. It can't be separated discretely into you and them - it's about relationship and community, where the sum is greater than the parts.
    Exactly. And the only thing Price's equation proves is that altruism (of which empathy is a part), is an evolutionary component. The same way having two eyes facing forward helps us hunt for food... The same way our intellect put us at the top of the food chain... etc... etc...
  • opuntia
    opuntia Posts: 860 Member
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    I just don't see it as simplistically as you seem to. You are saying some daft things sometimes, maybe just to get a reaction, and maybe because you don't know as much about this as you are pretending to.
    Possibly. Or, maybe I get kick out of watching people get extraordinarily mean, ugly and aggressive... with a complete stranger... whilst describing how fundamentally "nice" they really are... to complete strangers.

    Ah - to me that falls into the category of 'to get a reaction'. Online forums are a good place to observe people's behaviour in various contexts. Although strictly speaking, posting things to elicit such behaviour is called trolling - so maybe you're not really such a stickler about keeping to the rules! :tongue:

    FWIW, I tend to be a bit mistrustful of people who militantly declare what nice people they are. Then it seems like it's more about self-image than genuine kindness. Genuinely selfless kindness has no interest in declaring itself. In my experience, the kindest, most genuine people are those who admit their motives are mixed and that they are flawed and sometimes selfish and mean.
  • _VoV
    _VoV Posts: 1,494 Member
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    When you bait people, you will succeed in getting some of them to bite. Was this your motive behind posting this?
    No. Like I said, it was a follow-up to the other thread.

    Well, of course the irony of certain responses may be a side-benefit to you, but I would say you take far too much joy in it, in my opinion.
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