Do you let your kids go hungry or force them to eat it?

Justa_Paperbag

I make them try one bite of everything. If they don't like it, that's fine - I always make at least ONE thing that they do like, and they can have seconds of that. They're also given the option that they can have a piece of fruit, too. I also let them choose what we're having in terms of if we're having pasta - they can pick the type of noodle. If I have a meal plan for the next two days, I let them choose which night we're having what, and they know the next night, they don't have a choice. It seems to work really well with my 4 year old daughter, but my 3 year old son is VERY picky (autistic with sensory aversions) and will bounce between liking certain things one day, and not the next. We never know what he'll eat, or if he'll eat - but fruit and dry cereal (cheerios or kix) are always options for him if he doesn't want/can't tolerate something that day.

MinMin97

Ours is a household of 5 children 14-4.
I know they usually prefer "elemental."
Meaning, not big on casseroles, soups, etc...there are exceptions.
But just basic foods pretty much as they are.

Whole Roasting chicken from the BBQ
Basic salad and (usually) basic dressing like ranch
Some sort of dessert (which they may eat if they ate dinner, of course )

or
Roast
Potatoes
Veggies

or
Pizza (we make using dough from Trader Joes, marinara, and cheese)
Salad

or
Tuna salad with carrots (tuna and mayo)

baked salmon
roasted veggies

I try to serve something they reasonably like.
An appetite will prevail and they eat.....or if not, then, no dessert
This is all cheerfully enforced.
In otherwords, if they did not want to eat, I don't get upset or anxious.
The next meal is coming and they can try again, then.
And I reassure them of this.

It can be a bummer to miss dessert, so this is motivating (it would be for me, too, and I am adult lol!)
We just move on with the day.

A strategy I use to maximize their appetites, is I emphasize having them eat the meat/veggie.
Then if that is eaten, they may have the bread part of the meal.
I practically NEVER serve any beverage other than water:) Not even milk.

Don't get distressed. Make improvement the best you know how and can....then move on to the next day.

HeatherSLosinIt

All of my kids went through the picky thing. 2 of them (now 8 and 10) will finally eat just about anything I give them, knowing that I am eating the same thing, so it can't be too terrible.
My 7 year old is a whole other story. She refuses to try 99.9% of things, including foods she can see a spice in, anything that's got any kind of texture to it, such as sauces etc, anything with meat other than some chicken or very rarely, she'll try ham. She cannot have her food touching AT ALL, and is just generally very very frustrating to deal with at meal times.

I have tried everything from sitting with her for hours at the table, bargaining with her that she can have anything she wants if she shows me she can take ONE bite, I've put her food away and taken it out the very next time she complains she's hungry, and I've let her go to bed without eating.... NOTHING works with her.

She will not be bribed, coaxed or threatened into eating something she's made up her mind is "icky".

The kicker is, she is addicted to the Create chanel, specifically the cooking shows, and she's always saying they look SO good and she wants to eat those things... but even if I cook the same things, or even let her cook them (with supervision), she gets all excited while they are cooking and then becomes bull headed when it's on her plate.

I've finally started buying PediaSure Sidekicks ready to drink, and have her drink 2 each day, one in the morning and one shortly before bed to make sure she gets SOME nutrients.

I'm at my wit's end.....

jesekelynne

I went back and read some of the posts and am hearing a lot of, "My parents made me and I'm fine". Just because your parents did it and you are fine doesn't mean it is right! Forcing kids to eat certain foods, or making them sit at the table until they eat fosters a difficult relationship with food. That is the last thing you want!

marstanley

We had a rule with out son. He didn't have to eat it, but he had to honestly taste it. One good bite was all. A lick wasn't a taste. If he didn't like it, he could get a peanut butter sandwich. It worked very well. It became no big deal after a while. If he was tired of sandwiches, maybe the new dish didn't taste so bad. He is now 23 years old and still doesn't like tomatoes, but he says he tries them once in a while to see if that is still true.

fattypattybinger

My kids fall into the low % for weight. My son is in the 18% and my daughter is in the 22%. We let them try new foods. Due to the fact that they are under weight if they don't like what is being served they are allowed to get a frozen Pancake or Waffle. Lots of the time they are asked before they go to school what they like for dinner. They also need to agree on foods. They are allowed some junk food but they eat only small portions by their own choice. I don't force them to eat one day they will be hardly hungry and the next they are eating up a storm. They love carrots, fresh Mango's, carrots, apples. Oranges, Grapes. There is always fresh fruit for them to eat. Their doctor wants them to put on more weight so that is why they are allowed to eat something else. I am happy if they just eat something. I would prefer for them to eat Peanut Butter but they don't like it. My husband is also a Vegeterian so at times it can be a challenge to make everybody happy. But I do convert foods that can made to be vegeterian as wel.. If the kids want a hot dog they are allowed to eat it, then Dad will eat a Veggie Dog. Most of the meals are made from scratch but if they want something like a Hot Dog I will let them eat it. They also like Spinach Salad so they have been know to eat salads with vegetables with grilled chicken. So it can be a challenge but I never force a kids to eat. I want them to have some choices of some kiddie food but everything in moderation. I don't want them to feel like they can't have the food. But I can tell you we really don't have candy in the house. It depends on how you want to raise your kids, but I don't won't to force them to eat something they don't like. I remember being forced to stay at the table for hours because I wouldn't eat it literally I was so stubborn I would stay there for two hours etc my Mother would finally give up. I only ended up not wanting a few things and one she had a harder time dealing with I wouldn't eat Potato Salad. Coming from a German family she wasn't thrilled. So at family gatherings she would fix me a plate first without the Potato Salad and when my Grandparents would talk to me in German and they thought I ate it all but to keep peace my Mom just told me to shake my head yes she didn't want to offend the family.

Yieya

You aren't going to get turned in for providing a nutritious meal that your kid refuses to eat.

If my daughter doesn't eat what I make, she doesn't eat. End of story. I'm the grown-up, I make the rules and decide what is good for her. If she were in control, we'd be eating Lucky Charms and Nutella morning, noon, and night. Kids are not developed enough to make decisions like that.

If she is hungry later, she can have a piece of fruit. There is no access to junk food for her to "pig out" on.

*Edit to say that I always make sure there is something she likes on her plate - some apple wedges, yogurt, etc. And some nights, we have something I know she enjoys (whole wheat spaghetti & marinara for example). But, I don't make seperate meals, and I'm not a short order cook.

Well stated... I think this is the way I would handle it as well.

EccentricDad

Here's the scenario...
Overweight parents used to eating larger portion sizes and the wrong foods...
Very normal kids who are a mix of picky eaters and one that tends to eat more than they should, very young in age
The household is trying to change thier eating habits to healthier choices

#1 Don't argue it, healthier food is more expensive until you learn that tiny portions are the actual portion size. Again Don't argue that point, I know its accurate.

So the kids don't like beans, rice, plain veggies, not fond of the taste of some spices. Etc..... they just aren't digging the change

The adult in the house understands that this is the way food is supposed to be because they haven't yet picked up all these great ways that everyone talks about of fixing these wonderful tasting recipes.... plain is what they know plain is healthy.... becuase they are learning.

The kids think it's gross and don't want to eat it.

Choice 1: Do you let them go hungry and have them pig out at the next opportunity on the foods they like

Choice 2: Or do you sit there until they eat it, and sit through the "fake puking" or real in some cases.... crying, screaming etc.until they eat it.

Keep in mind choice 1 could get you turned in for not feeding your kids...depending on who hears the story and how DHS/CPS friendly they are.

What do you do? I have little faith that too many people will answer this but wanted to see if I'd get anything.

Thanks!

Hi,

I know that this seems like a "this or that" situation but why not choose Choice 3. Children (and some adults like my wife) have a texture and tactile issue with some foods. My wife can't eat a sweet potato skin because it reminds her of a paper bag. My daughter can't eat raw baby carrots because they are too hard to bit into and she doesn't like the snapping sound. My son doesn't like the texture of rice in his mouth and the bland taste. At one point, I couldn't eat spinach because of how slimy it felt in my mouth.

People are sensitive to different things and when dealing with people (even little people) you have to consider their personal needs and sensitivities. What makes the children convulse is a result of their mouth denying that texture, taste, or smell of the food. I think it's time to dress up the food! They don't like broccoli? First tell them they are silly because broccoli is AWESOME and pour some raw organic from the health food store for $5 honey on them and tell them that you understand they don't like it but hopefully the honey will make them WANT to eat it. That didn't work? Buy a food processor and puree it and mix it in their mash potatoes or put it in your burger meat when you make burgers.

Another thing to consider is food intolerances. If ____ food is making them sick (like milk and wheat does for me) then I would refuse to eat it too. It's like having arsenic at the table and being told I *have* to eat it. So you may have to switch up your veggies if you believe that they are having an upset tummy from it.

But as long as they are eating it in the closest to raw form (not boiled, buttered, or BBQ'ed) then the veggies are going to retain most of their nutritional benefits so if smothering it with honey, ranch, or chocolate syrup gets them to eat it do it! Eventually, you won't need to glaze them or give them dipping sauces and they will be able to just straight up enjoy them. The key is to trick them into enjoying it without being abusive and domineering.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

Collinsky

I'm glad I'm not the only one who would actually rather encourage a healthy relationship with food that will carry on into adulthood, rather than win the battle and lose the war. I would honestly rather have my kids be picky eaters who learn to eat healthfully within their preferences, than grow up eating what other people tell them to and thinking coercion and control issues around food were normal and healthy.

BelindaDuvessa

My kids, luckily, aren't that picky of eaters. When I do sit down and make a Menu, I have my husband look over it, since he's picky with some things. The rule is: Let me know now if you don't want to eat it. If not, then you have to at least try it. I tell the kiddos the same thing. 2 bites is all I ask. If after 2 bites they still don't like it, I ask them why. Sometimes, they just aren't in the mood for whatever was made. I can sympathize with that. I get that way too. Generally that leads to a sandwich.

So, I guess my answer is Choice 3...or 4...I lost count. Unless it's a known issue with food (texture, allergy, etc), then they are required to at least try it. If the distaste continues, I generally don't make it again. I won't continually make a food that my family doesn't enjoy. And I love experimenting with food enough that it's a non-issue with me.

Deedsie

We have a special circumstance. My 4 yr old daughter has CF so not eating is not a choice. Additionally, fatty foods are actually beneficial for her. But that doesn't mean I want to raise her on sprite and cheetos. I mean my greatest hope is they cure CF and I don't want to leave her with an eating issue if they do. So here is what we have done.

Each month we look over the school lunch calendar and she picks 3 meals per week to eat at school. This means breakfast, lunch and 2 snacks. She will eat at least 3 bites of each of those foods at school without complaint. 2 of the days I will pack her meals and snacks with her help and she will eat all of everything we pack. She will also try 3 bites of whatever her dad is eating for dinner since my dinner is typically not high enough in fat or protein. Each new food she must try 20x per year before she can refuse it for the rest of the year. She starts over each year. She has a notebook to track her new foods. She has drawn a picture of each new food and for each new attempt gets a sticker on the page. (we also started writing the food name on the page this week.) I told her that what she likes is constantly changing because she is growing. I used an example of how she didn't like going under the first day of swim lessons but now loves it. I said it's okay to like different things and change your mind so we have to constantly check if we have changed. Some of it she got and some she didn't but for now it is new challenge that she enjoys.

I am trying to teach my daughter to embrace change and challenges, to view the unknown with excitement and to be flexible. I don't want food to be about power or control.

TyFit08

I guess it depends on how picky they are. I am not a mother yet, but I hope that when I do become one my children will not be as finicky as I was. I refused to eat meat, fish, peanut butter, lots of fruits, the list was very long. My mother tried the you can't get up from the table until you eat your food and I would sit there all night, fall asleep at the table. She would give me the same plate the next day, still wouldn't eat it. Eventually she took me to the doctor because I would go full days without eating. The doctor told her to give me what I wanted and she started cooking separate meals for me. As an adult my palette has evolved, but my stubbornness about food as a child was bordering unhealthy and I'm sure you don't want it to get to that point with your children. Some will eventually give in to what's on the table, but some won't. I suggest protein shakes/smoothies since they taste like a treat and are healthy, so wish those were popular back in the 80s, probably would have made life easier for my mother.

littleandysmom

My 2 older boys weren't picky eaters but our youngest decided when he was in 2nd grade that he wanted to be a vegetarian. He's always been a picky eater and meat was never something he enjoyed. In fact, the smell of meat made him sick to his stomach. Plus the thought of him eating what was once a living animal was too much for him. He had actually done research before he approached me about this. I respected his decision, and started feeding him vegetarian food. He still ate eggs, cheese and dairy. I've never understood how anyone can stomach "smart dogs" but he loves them. He's always been very healthy with a slim build and even though his dad and brother weren't very happy about it, he stuck to what he believed.

After about a year, he decided that he wanted to start eating hamburgers from in n out because they are one of the few restaurants that are humane to their animals. Plus when you eat a hamburger it's not from 100 cows.

He's now in the sixth grade and he decided this year that he wanted to start eating more beef and also on Thanksgiving he wanted to eat turkey. This was a huge step for him and he's been trying new foods quite often.

As the mom of 3 boys, I've learned to pick my battles. I've actually learned more from our youngster about food and am thankful that this was a battle I decided not to pick. Because of him, we steer clear of pork......plus we've watched the movie "babe" about 50 times!

SarahCW1979

You aren't going to get turned in for providing a nutritious meal that your kid refuses to eat.

If my daughter doesn't eat what I make, she doesn't eat. End of story. I'm the grown-up, I make the rules and decide what is good for her. If she were in control, we'd be eating Lucky Charms and Nutella morning, noon, and night. Kids are not developed enough to make decisions like that.

If she is hungry later, she can have a piece of fruit. There is no access to junk food for her to "pig out" on.

*Edit to say that I always make sure there is something she likes on her plate - some apple wedges, yogurt, etc. And some nights, we have something I know she enjoys (whole wheat spaghetti & marinara for example). But, I don't make seperate meals, and I'm not a short order cook.

Was going to write something VERY similar to this!! I went through the 'OMG MOM! WHAT IS THIS?' for a fair few months before they realised that chicken nuggets and burgers were OFF THE MENU! Now they'll both eat whats in front of them and enjoy it. Kids take their own sweet time adapting to new foods but eventually the mealtime battle will be over. You are setting her up for healthy adulthood so stick at it

kbh17

I make each of my kids take the number of bites of each food as their age. So, my 4 year old(who is my picky one) has to eat 4 bites of each food. We started this when he was 3 as dinners became painful. He doesn't like vegetables but we make him eat them every night at dinner because they are healthy. He has no problem eating breakfast or lunch it's dinner that's always been a struggle. It has made dinners easier to sit through with him knowing he has to take a certain amount of bites.

Rozlynmac

I'm going to reply without reading the majority of responses, so if I'm saying something already said, I apologise.

Option 2 shouldn't exist. Forcing a child to eat against their will and appetite is putting them on the road to eating issues later in life. I know for every negative there'll be someone telling you it didn't do them any harm and someone telling you that it did, but why take the risk of causing them issues alongside the misery for you & them in the current time?

Option 1 I hate too. Why do some people think children are there to be bent to our will? What happened to letting them discover the world for themselves? If they're offered stuff they don't like, and don't want it, and there's not junk in the house as an alternative, let them choose something they would like from the options available. My kids range from 9 to 17 now, but have been cooking for themselves since the eldest was old enough to not burn the kitchen down. They cook sausages, eggs, toast, porridge, beans, make cereal, sandwiches, eat carrots and tomatoes out the fridge. My 15 yr old daughter now makes Cottage Pie and curries too, and they make smoothies with bananas, yoghurt and milk pretty much every day.

I have had, and still do, plenty of 'I don't like that' but if it's part of a meal they know they can push that ingredient aside and eat the rest. And they're just as likely to reject something 'unhealthy' so I know they're genuinely not enjoying the taste of things. Got them all eating brocolli ages ago, still working on Kidney beans!

I guess the issue for you sounds like it's the transition for them, from junk to sensible. I'd say in that case keep making the healthy stuff, experiment, get them choosing recipes they like the sound of - even if they're not the most healthy (you can try Skinnytaste.com for healthier versions), get them cooking and experimenting too. Taste and try, if it's not great, try again with some changes you fancy and if it's still not popular abandon it for a while, and make some other new things instead.

What about soups too? Loads of ingredients to throw in and experiment with, disguises veg, has variable textures to try them out with. Can be served with sandwiches or other side dishes too and fills you up nicely cos a large bowl can still be low cal if it's not got cream etc. in it. Then have some junk afterwards if it's still necessary as a wee treat.

EccentricDad

There is a beautiful but quiet scene in the animated movie Kung Fu Panda which actually expresses a piece of great wisdom. It reminds us of the art of balancing belief in our work with the illusion of our need for control.

The wise old kung fu tortoise, Master Oogway, is speaking to his disciple, Shifu, a red panda who is charged with training the unlikely Po, a giant panda, to become the next great kung fu Dragon Warrior. They are standing under the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. Shifu is at a moment of crisis of faith, unable to see the potential in his overweight, clumsy protege.

Master Oogway points to the peach tree, with its lovely branches and its colorful, plump fruits. He picks up a peach pit, and explains to Shifu: “My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours until you let go of the illusion of control. The essence of this seed is to become a peach tree. Within this bumpy, hard-shelled pit is the potential for this entire tree, with its flower blossoms and branches filled with ripe fruit. I can plant the seed in the ground, cover it with soil, and nurture it with water and sunlight. But I cannot make the tree blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time.”

Shifu insists, “But there are things we can control: I can control when the fruit will fall, I can control where to plant the seed: that is no illusion, Master!”

Oogway replies, “Ah, yes. But no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will only get a peach.”

Shifu, anxious to produce a “winner” immediately out of his young Kung Fu Panda, says, “But a peach cannot defeat the evil Tai Lung!”

Master Oogway, while gazing into the starry night, replies, “Maybe it can, if you are willing to guide it, to nurture it, to believe in it. You just need to believe.”

How often in our lives do we try to force an apple or an orange out of something whose essence is a peach? Master Oogway reminds us that we cannot become so attached to an outcome that we imagine in our minds. Everything has an essence – a true nature that is immutable no matter what kind of influence we try to exert.

On the other hand, if we ignore a seed, giving up just because it is ugly on the outside, or seemingly hard and dry without signs of life to give, we may miss the opportunity to create an entire tree, bearing both blossoms and fruit for years to come, and changing the landscape forever. In order for the seed to fulfill its potential as a tree, it must be planted in the ground, covered with soil, and provided water and sunlight. Once we do these things, we must let go and trust nature. We cannot incessantly dig into the ground to check on its progress. We cannot speed up the germination process by force of will. We cannot even guarantee that each seed we planted will take root and survive the full journey to become a fruit-bearing tree.

So why do we plant the seed? Why do we care for it, provide for it, and nurture what we can only believe in our hearts to be its full potential?

If we are only nurturing for the sake of our own egos – to see the resulting apple or orange, which we might prefer over the peach – we will never be satisfied with our work. We will be unhappy even though we may have a beautiful peach, instead of the apple or orange we craved.

We must do the seemingly paradoxical work of nurturing, and believing, and guiding, AND letting go of our need to know what kind of fruit the tree will bear. We may need to accept that some seeds will not survive. Those seeds, once broken down, may serve another purpose that supports the tree, as fertilizer for other seeds, or as food for a passing animal. Every seed is valuable in some way, but not every seed will reach the same potential.

In Kung Fu Panda, Shifu’s grueling training enables his student Po to learn eventually to believe in his own potential, and to find the courage to fulfill his ultimate destiny as Dragon Warrior.

Master Oogway’s parting words under the peach tree remind the teacher in each of us that our most important duties as cultivators are the promise to believe, the willingness to guide, and the wisdom to let go. Simply profound, Master Oogway, but not at all easy to do.

The moral of this story is that you have to nurture the peach on the inside despite wanting them be an apple or orange. If you like my mentality on this, look earlier in the thread about my answer to this problem.

MyOwnSunshine

Eccentric Dad, I appreciate your opinion and the parable.

I just don't understand why people force their kids (or their guests for that matter) to repeatedly "try" something they don't like.

I'm the most un-picky eater in existence. I'll generally eat anything at anytime in large amounts regardless of it's health benefits or my hunger. Let me tell you, it's not a virtue.

Nor is being "picky," or having a more sensitive palate, a moral crime. Some people just don't like stuff. Healthy or not. Why do they need to be forced to eat it? Why can't you just substitute another healthy thing that they like?

My answer -- ego and power and control... parents who need to force their picky child to be unpicky to make themselves look morally superior.

Wouldn't it just be easier to accept an individual's preferences and try to honor them if it's possible. Don't we all, regardless of our age, have a right to eat food that tastes good to us if it is available?

Some people would argue the health angle -- that picky eaters are somehow less healthy because of their limited diet, but "unpicky" eaters like myself are actually far more likely to be overweight or obese, in my observation.

EccentricDad

Eccentric Dad, I appreciate your opinion and the parable.

I just don't understand why people force their kids (or their guests for that matter) to repeatedly "try" something they don't like.

I'm the most un-picky eater in existence. I'll generally eat anything at anytime in large amounts regardless of it's health benefits or my hunger. Let me tell you, it's not a virtue.

Nor is being "picky," or having a more sensitive palate, a moral crime. Some people just don't like stuff. Healthy or not. Why do they need to be forced to eat it? Why can't you just substitute another healthy thing that they like?

My answer -- ego and power and control... parents who need to force their picky child to be unpicky to make themselves look morally superior.

Wouldn't it just be easier to accept an individual's preferences and try to honor them if it's possible. Don't we all, regardless of our age, have a right to eat food that tastes good to us if it is available?

Some people would argue the health angle -- that picky eaters are somehow less healthy because of their limited diet, but "unpicky" eaters like myself are actually far more likely to be overweight or obese, in my observation.

I'm not sure what your angle is on your post. But the point I was getting at is our children are not apples, oranges, pears, or plums. They are peaches.

If you domineer them and force them to make the right decision, how do you think that's going to teach them to be a strong leader when you are forcing them into submission? The mentality of our children is more than just taught in school; it's monkey see monkey do too, By forcing your children to be put into submission, you are teaching them that the way to win arguments is to be aggressive and make their opponent (future wife/husband) into submission so they can get their way.

By allowing them to be picky but dressing it up, you are teaching the children assertiveness and compromise. Neither of these traits are considered "weak" in our society and neither of these traits lead to spousal abuse or delinquency. If you can promote a healthy eating habit early in life, they won't struggle with obesity and have to join websites like myfitnesspal.

Children are little people, not possessions. So be nice to them! They are going to bury you one day afterall, wouldn't you rather be known as a loving parent instead of a tyrant? :flowerforyou:

HeinzPrincess

Eccentric Dad, I appreciate your opinion and the parable.

I just don't understand why people force their kids (or their guests for that matter) to repeatedly "try" something they don't like.

I'm the most un-picky eater in existence. I'll generally eat anything at anytime in large amounts regardless of it's health benefits or my hunger. Let me tell you, it's not a virtue.

Nor is being "picky," or having a more sensitive palate, a moral crime. Some people just don't like stuff. Healthy or not. Why do they need to be forced to eat it? Why can't you just substitute another healthy thing that they like?

My answer -- ego and power and control... parents who need to force their picky child to be unpicky to make themselves look morally superior.

Wouldn't it just be easier to accept an individual's preferences and try to honor them if it's possible. Don't we all, regardless of our age, have a right to eat food that tastes good to us if it is available?

Some people would argue the health angle -- that picky eaters are somehow less healthy because of their limited diet, but "unpicky" eaters like myself are actually far more likely to be overweight or obese, in my observation.

100% agreed.