A question for men with wives/significant others

coburngirl

I haven't read every post, so I apologise if I am repeating what someone else has said.

The two things here are communication and compromise.

My boyfriend is really good with working out with me, and we've taken up new things like running and badminton together, which I love! We've made a lot of changes together, and he's a MFPer too.

Our journey is more about health than weight loss (neither of us have a lot to lose) but this is what we do.

I plan out the meals for the week and grocery shop. I ask him when I write the list if there's anything he would like. I ask him if there's a fruit or veg he particularly wants, and get that in to help him be healthy too. If there's something he's craving that is unhealthy, I just accomodate it in..so if he wants sausages, yes, we can have them, but only once in the week. That's the compromise part.

When I cook, if it's something less healthy he has asked for, like sausages, I'll bulk out the meal with veggies or swap mash for sweet potato or salad. He still gets his sausages and I use portion control to meet my calorie goals. It's on the planner on the wall what we are having. If he's cooking, he'll often call me and ask how he makes what it says. If I'm over or having a 'fat day', I'll say 'would you mind if I don't have the pasta, but have salad instead?' or if I'm home, say we're having curry, I'll say 'is it ok with you if I roast some veggies to have instead of the rice? Do you want some?'.

When we serve up, we always serve up together. That way each person gets to decide their own portion, drink, cheese on top etc. We never just plate up something for the other when they haven't got control on how much they want.

I hope that helps you...it's just supporting each other and thinking that it's your choice what you put in your body, and making exercising together fun We're trying yoga for the first time tonight!

A x

Love this!

KarensCanDoIt

My husband does 99.5% of the cooking in our house. He's a very good cook, but is very heavy handed with the salt shaker and the oil and butter. He knows I don't want a lot of that in my meals. If it's a meal that he can keep separate, then we both have our own separate portions. One for his decadent delicious hi-cal version, and one for my 'more reasonable' version. This works particularly well with fish because we wrap each filet in a foil pouch and add our own seasonings to it. Otherwise, I really try to limit my portions and go heavy on steamed veggies and side salads.

EvgeniZyntx

I enjoy cooking and do it well.

Sometimes I put a lot of mental effort into it and when someone does not appreciate it I do get disappointed. I've set-up expectations and they are easily knocked down when a child or dining partner/guest says "err, no". This is particularly true if the food I'm serving is very good.

Sometimes, I've spent a lot of effort and time but the results are less than stellar. I'm usually ok when someone tells me that my Masala sauce / strawberries and avocado turkey mash-up is a crash up, overcooked, dry AND mushy. And too spicy. Woops.

But, as the cook, I've learned to set up MY expectations a little better - I talk about what I'm going to prepare, I set the scene or at least ask/ tell about limits of what is being prepared - "I'm doing a wine and butter sauce, are you fine with that?"

I have two out of four picky eater daughters so I also prepare an escape dish.

Talk about meal preparation before - it is the best moment to make a comment, not as food is being served.

bellesouth18

Hurt his feelings. What about your feelings? He should take into consideration the changes that you are trying to make with your eating habits.

Argh Im tired of people trying to force us to eat crappy because they are to lazy to cook a good decent meal.

Thanks, I haven't looked at it in that vice versa mode before. Makes perfect sense to me! And you're right about others wanting us to eat crappy.

bellesouth18

You can always cook your meals for the week ahead of time if you don't want to eat what he cooks. Also, you can eat just a little of what he cooks and a big salad that way you still are eating a healthy meal and he still feels validated that you ate what he made.

That's a good plan. I kind of do that now, but without the salad. Just don't eat much of it. A lot of the problem is the sodium content, too.

bellesouth18

Too many replys for me to read through all of them so if this has been stated before, I'm sorry for the repetition. I was a chef putting myself through college. My wife targeted (lol) me as a potential mate partially on the strength of the idea that she wouldn't have to cook. When she started MFP first, it was a real pain having her sit at dinner asking how much of each ingredient was on her plate and then having her complain she couldn't finish her meal because it would put her over her calories. I was a little offended and felt inconvienenced. But, then she started having some great results. She was down 25 -30lbs and was looking fantastic and then I deciced to try out this "MFP thing". Meals got easier and the whole family is eating better. Now shes down over 60 lbs and I've lost 45lbs.
My point is, for married or domestic partners, I think you absolutely have to do this together. Its impossible to sustain healthy eating habits long term when one partner refuses to participate. The only possible solution is to eat separately.

I do wish he'd get on board with "dieting" as well. He really needs to lost lots of weight. He has no clue as to what a portion measurement is. Can't judge a half cup from a quarter cup. That makes him eat more than he thinks he's eating. I ask him what's in it every time he cooks something. And then I make adjustments upward. haha

bellesouth18

I do not know if this was suggested or not, but if time and ease are the issue, look into pinterest or the internet in general for one of those blogs that describes how you can buy like a whole month of groceries and make 30+ crock pot meals ahead of time, for instance on a Sunday afternoon.Basically, after you go grocery shopping, you chop/slice/dice whatever you ingredients you have and mix up spices etc for meals and pre assemble them into freezer bags. This way you can control your sodium and other things. Then all you do is throw it in the crock pot all day and let it cook. You could make almost anything. You could do the same pre assemly thing and make a casserole or something instead. Even if you didnt utilize this every day of the week, it would probably seriously help you out as far as eating healthy and not having to cook when you get home after a long day of working.

That is an absolutely wonderful idea! Thanks!

bellesouth18

Not a guy, but I'd be pissed.

That's what I'm afraid of! I sure don't want to hurt his feelings or tick him off.

bellesouth18

I do a majority of the cooking in my house. First, because I enjoy cooking, second because of my wife's work schedule and lastly because I, like you, am doing my best to cook healthy food.

Fortunately for me, my wife also cooks healthy. Although from time to time we both stray! :-)

As for not eating something prepared by a spouse (wife or husband). I say it is okay, it is hard enough to lose weight and improve our health without being undermined by a person who is not on the same page in life.

I would let your husband know up front that if he is going to cook a meal that does not meet your dietary needs. He should cook for one.

In my house I was always the culprit when it came to poor food choices. This created health problems for me and bad habits for my family. Since I made the change to a healthier diet, my children and wife have improved their eating habits. Mostly because I stopped buying & cooking high fat & high sodium food.

Thanks! Good to know that you'd be on board with your wife eating differently and not be upset.

bellesouth18

I love my hubby and don't like to hurt his feelings but if it's a matter of my weight loss success to his hurt feelings I choose my success. My husband doesn't like that we eat different meals (breakfast I have egg whites and cereal and he has sausage, eggs and toast). He doesn't want to be forced to eat what I eat and I feel the same. I love the idea of the crock pot cooking and I do that quite a bit myself as I too work full time and I find things that make us both happy. We are both big time meat eaters and dessert addicts and I just utilize portion control. Only YOU have the power of what you eat and what your successes are, and if you are supporting his needs whose supporting yours? Congrats on how far you've come and don't give up, just gotta keep tweaking things until you find out what works for you both. And a big congrats on the 23 year marriage. Just don't hear that so much anymore!

Thanks! Your reply opened my eyes. Who IS suporting me if I'm supporting him? Good point.

Edit: Thank you for your congratulations! :flowerforyou:

ninerbuff

My husband of 23 years has not joined my crusade to lose weight. I'm eating much differently than I used to. I still eat "regular" food, but have made many changes with portion control, types of food eaten, sodium content (still a work in progress), etc. He is aware of what I've accomplished and is supportive and happy for me.

I used to do the majority of the cooking for our family. I cooked healthier fair with veggies and leaner protein at each meal. And I was able to tweak what I was cooking for me to make it even healthier. However, since I started working a new full time job in October, he has taken over that job because I get home so late. Unfortunately, his food preferences don't line up with mine.

Though I really appreciate his efforts, he doesn't care how much fat, sodium, protein, etc. that he adds to his menu. He loves pizza, ham, bacon, sausage, Alfredo type sauces, pasta, gravy, fried foods, ice cream, desserts, and bread to just name a few. We both love vegetables, but he doesn't always prepare them and puts bacon and such in the veggies often. I'm not and never have been a big bacon or ham person and don't share his affinity for it <<<as she ducks for cover, knowing how MFP folks feel about that>>> It isn't hard to stay away from the desserts, but when I get home and am really hungry and ready to eat a meal...

My question is: If you spent at least an hour after working all day preparing a meal for your wife/SO and family, would you be offended if she didn't want to eat parts of it? The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings.

More for me...................nope. I do ALL the cooking in the house now and some days she doesn't eat much of what I cook.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

bellesouth18

My husband does 99.5% of the cooking in our house. He's a very good cook, but is very heavy handed with the salt shaker and the oil and butter. He knows I don't want a lot of that in my meals. If it's a meal that he can keep separate, then we both have our own separate portions. One for his decadent delicious hi-cal version, and one for my 'more reasonable' version. This works particularly well with fish because we wrap each filet in a foil pouch and add our own seasonings to it. Otherwise, I really try to limit my portions and go heavy on steamed veggies and side salads.

I wish mine was willing to do that. I love fish. He won't eat it unless it's fried.

bellesouth18

My husband of 23 years has not joined my crusade to lose weight. I'm eating much differently than I used to. I still eat "regular" food, but have made many changes with portion control, types of food eaten, sodium content (still a work in progress), etc. He is aware of what I've accomplished and is supportive and happy for me.

I used to do the majority of the cooking for our family. I cooked healthier fair with veggies and leaner protein at each meal. And I was able to tweak what I was cooking for me to make it even healthier. However, since I started working a new full time job in October, he has taken over that job because I get home so late. Unfortunately, his food preferences don't line up with mine.

Though I really appreciate his efforts, he doesn't care how much fat, sodium, protein, etc. that he adds to his menu. He loves pizza, ham, bacon, sausage, Alfredo type sauces, pasta, gravy, fried foods, ice cream, desserts, and bread to just name a few. We both love vegetables, but he doesn't always prepare them and puts bacon and such in the veggies often. I'm not and never have been a big bacon or ham person and don't share his affinity for it <<<as she ducks for cover, knowing how MFP folks feel about that>>> It isn't hard to stay away from the desserts, but when I get home and am really hungry and ready to eat a meal...

My question is: If you spent at least an hour after working all day preparing a meal for your wife/SO and family, would you be offended if she didn't want to eat parts of it? The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings.

More for me...................nope. I do ALL the cooking in the house now and some days she doesn't eat much of what I cook.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

It doesn't bother you that she won't eat?

bellesouth18

I enjoy cooking and do it well.

Sometimes I put a lot of mental effort into it and when someone does not appreciate it I do get disappointed. I've set-up expectations and they are easily knocked down when a child or dining partner/guest says "err, no". This is particularly true if the food I'm serving is very good.

Sometimes, I've spent a lot of effort and time but the results are less than stellar. I'm usually ok when someone tells me that my Masala sauce / strawberries and avocado turkey mash-up is a crash up, overcooked, dry AND mushy. And too spicy. Woops.

But, as the cook, I've learned to set up MY expectations a little better - I talk about what I'm going to prepare, I set the scene or at least ask/ tell about limits of what is being prepared - "I'm doing a wine and butter sauce, are you fine with that?"

I have two out of four picky eater daughters so I also prepare an escape dish.

Talk about meal preparation before - it is the best moment to make a comment, not as food is being served.

My husband isn't as understanding or accommodating as you so far.

Nataliaho

As far as I am concerned he can't have it both ways. Either he makes an effort to accomodate your eating choices, or he accepts that you won't eat it. Logically the only other option is that you eat his cooking, even though its bad for you. That isn't an option...

bellesouth18

As far as I am concerned he can't have it both ways. Either he makes an effort to accomodate your eating choices, or he accepts that you won't eat it. Logically the only other option is that you eat his cooking, even though its bad for you. That isn't an option...

Thanks. I love your logic! haha It makes lots of sense when I look at it that way.

Nancy_hc

I had the same problem with my husband. I had to tell him STREIGHT up what I wanted and didn't wanted. When he DOES cook, he usually just cooks the main portein for me (which I still appreciate greatly and let him know so). But I'll make my own sides (normally just cooked veggies or a salad). Maybe an arraingment like this will work for you guys as well?

JUDDDing

I agree with ninerbuff.

You can eat whatever you want - just don't complain or act disappointed about what I made.

hedgiie

my wife don't like fish but she actually cook it and prepare it for me, even though she don't eat it.

likewise if i prepare something and she didn't eat it then it's fine. which i'm doing vegetable preparation but she don't like it.

we're married for 21 years, through many years, we learn how to adjust our emotions, but maybe in our early marriage i would say that i will be offended.

ninerbuff

My husband of 23 years has not joined my crusade to lose weight. I'm eating much differently than I used to. I still eat "regular" food, but have made many changes with portion control, types of food eaten, sodium content (still a work in progress), etc. He is aware of what I've accomplished and is supportive and happy for me.

I used to do the majority of the cooking for our family. I cooked healthier fair with veggies and leaner protein at each meal. And I was able to tweak what I was cooking for me to make it even healthier. However, since I started working a new full time job in October, he has taken over that job because I get home so late. Unfortunately, his food preferences don't line up with mine.

Though I really appreciate his efforts, he doesn't care how much fat, sodium, protein, etc. that he adds to his menu. He loves pizza, ham, bacon, sausage, Alfredo type sauces, pasta, gravy, fried foods, ice cream, desserts, and bread to just name a few. We both love vegetables, but he doesn't always prepare them and puts bacon and such in the veggies often. I'm not and never have been a big bacon or ham person and don't share his affinity for it <<<as she ducks for cover, knowing how MFP folks feel about that>>> It isn't hard to stay away from the desserts, but when I get home and am really hungry and ready to eat a meal...

My question is: If you spent at least an hour after working all day preparing a meal for your wife/SO and family, would you be offended if she didn't want to eat parts of it? The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings.

More for me...................nope. I do ALL the cooking in the house now and some days she doesn't eat much of what I cook.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

It doesn't bother you that she won't eat?

She eats, just not in big portions. And I usually will cook for 4 when there's only 3 (my 8 year old) of us here. My wife is sound with her nutrition.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition