When people ask for advice, stop being rude and degrading!
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question for the OP...
if somebody on MFP starts a thread about wanting to start a 40-day water fast, what exactly is the proper way to respond to that without being called rude?
Have a nice death!
Interesting! So this is the correct response and would not be considered rude? I'll have to keep that in mind for future reference. I would have thought this would walk the line for most people that are sensitive, but whatev.0 -
It's not about successful or not.
It's about using success to belittle others or disregard their humanity to make yourself look smart. It's cheap.
Which does happen on here.
The statement in question here had no negative connotation whatsoever. A tone was perceived, but not intended, and as we all well know, tone is not translated well on the Internet.0 -
If we don't reply, people wanting answers will see us as rude for ignoring them, possibly resulting in posts complaining about how mean people are on the internet because they didn't get their question answered.
Then why waste time replying?
Possibly? It's a damn guarantee!0 -
Is this what you would say to your child or someone else's after coming home from school saying they were verbally bullied by someone else?
For the record, I am not necessarily saying that every rude comment on here is bullying, but I am saying it is NO WONDER that are children are okay with being rude and derogatory to other people and thinking it's okay. Also, cyber bullying IS a real issue.
If my child came home and said "Mom, people are calling me sluts on the internet and telling me to kill myself", I'd be horrified.
If my child came home and said "Mom, people asked me how I gained weight if I can't eat 1200 calories and that was rude", I'd be upset - because THAT would be cheapening bullying.
My point was exactly that - that bullying is serious. It's real and it drives people to suicide.
To hear people throw around that term about a 1200 calorie thread infuriates me. People here do that ALL THE TIME. They act as if it's the same thing.
Amanda Todd's death proves it is not. And it upsets me so much to hear people say it is.0 -
LOL! One of my first posts here was asking about protein intake. I knew a little about how MFP worked but was generally stumped (I found out later the topic was discussed EXTENSIVELY in the threads). The question was all about balancing my macros but I believe the title was something stupid like "how do I eat less protein". One guy said " Not being funny but..stop putting it in your mouth". I laughed pretty loud from desk at work. I am a tough skinned individual so stuff like that does not bother me. Why in the world would I get offended? I asked, he answered in what I assume was the best way he knew how. All the other comments told me that MFP sets protein to low and gave me their percentages as examples.
I don't get the whole rude thing...like some people are rude, that's just the way that it is. Some pretty GREAT people are "rude" actually. I am not rude, nor do I work best with a dose of "tough love" as some have put it. I simply extract the BS from any statement that includes it and take what I need. If someone says something stupid about low caloric intake, move on to someone who helps you...for every "what did you eat when you were fat? hmm?" There is someone with a list of foods that can help. Some people are going to feel like every aspect of any problem you may have with weight loss is silly. MOVE ON. I repeat...MOVE ON. Objectively look at advice given...like food it is neither "good" or "bad". It is simply helpful or not. Good Luck!0 -
I have trouble eating that much. Now granted I am only a little overweight. I am 5'3' and weigh 152. But I have a lot of trouble eating. You do not have to be rude to get your point across.
I get being tired of same old questions. I have been homeschooling for almost 20 years and I get tired of the questions too. BUT I try and remember I was once new and I try to help. IF I am having a day were I am tired of those questions I ignore the question.0 -
There's kind of a volatile mixture of people on MFP that lends itself to this conflict.
On one end, you have people who are out of shape and just sick of it. They're often desperate, confused, and not overly familiar with internet forum culture. They want to get in better shape but are wracked with self-pity and ignorance.
On another end you have people who are in great shape. They've been doing this a long time. They're often young and internet-savvy. They also have the mindset of self-discipline, sacrifice, and independent study that has gotten them to that point. They largely understand what it takes and what the challenges are, because they've been there themselves. As a result they have little tolerance for the type of whining, blame games, and "special snowflake" bs.
This is a dangerous mixture. It results in people in the first group complaining about nothing working, or asking for advice.... then getting people in the second group responding with stark reality. It's not what they want to hear, and they're not being coddled or babied. So they get offended.
Does everyone fall into one of these groups? Of course not. But that's the genesis of most of the conflict that results in these types of threads. This dynamic - people who are out of shape and frustrated versus those who have busted their butts for a long time to create real results - is what drives a lot of the "I'm offended" threads.
Stop making sense.0 -
If you think someone saying "How did you become overweight if you can't eat at regular levels" is bullying, please look up Amanda Todd.
Then come back and talk about bullying. I'd say "go talk to her", but she's dead. Killed herself, you see. 16 year old girl.
Extremely tragic.
I'm pretty sure Amanda Todd didn't kill herself because someone pointed out to her that she once consumed more food and therefore consuming more should not be difficult for her now.
You really are kind of horrible for attempting to make that comparison.
That is her point. She didn't kill herself over an off the cuff comment - which is not bullying.
She killed herself because she was bullied which is much more serious. People who cry "bully" because someone said "Don't do that, it's stupid." are the ones making the horrible comparison.
Sorry. Got confused. It's hard to follow a thread from my phone. Well anyway, Amanda Todd's story is terribly tragic, but it has no place in this thread.0 -
Also, it's no wonder that our society and schools are having such a issue with bullying, considering this is the behavior that grown adults display when there is no one or nothing holding them to common manners. Just because everyone does it on the internet doesn't mean It should happen.
If you think someone saying "How did you become overweight if you can't eat at regular levels" is bullying, please look up Amanda Todd.
Then come back and talk about bullying. I'd say "go talk to her", but she's dead. Killed herself, you see. 16 year old girl.
Extremely tragic.
And you're extremely cheap to even compare the two events. You minimize her death by throwing it in with a discussion about how "rude" it is to ask about 1200 calories.
Um, seriously dude??
When did I compare those two events? Just because someone commits suicide doesn't mean that all other forms of bullying are not real or important..
And also, I never even mentioned it in reference to a question about 1200 calories. Wow...simply compared to the way the people in general (Adults in general) can treat and talk to other people when there is a sort of anonymity.
1) This thread was prompted a "I can't reach 1200 calories" thread. Thus my reference to it.
2) Bullying leads to suicide. Life-long depression. Severe image issues. You said bullying happens here on MFP.
I gave an example of what bullying is.
Bullying is NOT receiving a snarky response on a weight loss forum. Bullying is applying psychological torture to destroy another person.
If you think we are attempting to psychologically destroy posters, then you need a SERIOUS reality check.
1. This thread is much more about people's general rudeness and thoughtlessness to other people than simply a question about 1200 calories. Also, I actually didn't say that it equates with bullying. I said it's not surprising that kids today take after our rude examples and in their immature way, use our behaviors to model how they treat and respect other kids. Is that more clear?
2. Bullying does absolutely not always lead to suicide or lifelong depression. Many people are able to shake it off and move past it but it does not mean that the bullying is any less important. Amanda Todd is an extremely sad case of bullying. But it is not the only case and it does not make other forms of bullying less important.0 -
Sorry. Got confused. It's hard to follow a thread from my phone. Well anyway, Amanda Todd's story is terribly tragic, but it has no place in this thread.
It's relevant when people start calling other's bullies. Amanda Todd's story IS the poster-child's story for bullying. The subjects are related, at least in theme.
Also, it is easy to get confused. MFP's quote system is not set up for an easily followed discussion. I get turned around on here all the time. :laugh: It's okay.0 -
It's not about successful or not.
It's about using success to belittle others or disregard their humanity to make yourself look smart. It's cheap.
Which does happen on here.
The statement in question here had no negative connotation whatsoever. A tone was perceived, but not intended, and as we all well know, tone is not translated well on the Internet.
Therefore, unless you know the person you are giving advice too or have interacted with them before, the giver should err on the side of caution and be more rather than less polite?
Or, if you are preaching the "tough love" line at least have a basic understanding of positive / negative association and / or punishment to know how it will affect people?0 -
Agreed, people have said many things to me online, that I know they damn well wouldn't say to my face. The anonymity gives people a free ticket to show their *kitten* as much as they want.
Yes. Same here. As in, I've never had a complete stranger have the balls to go off in my face about how "rude" and "mean" I was being.
Those people are cowards too.
If you're the kind of person who screams about rude people online - you're own of those cowards you're complaining about.
What I'm more referring too, is straight up insulting another person you don't even know, something I'd never do in real life. In person, I'm very meek and unassuming, so no, I usually don't get in the face of jerks. "Cowardly", as you so lovingly put it.
What I don't understand is why some people feel entitled to be rude, as if it makes them cool or "better". I think empathy and being genuinely kind are extremely important traits and I cherish them in others.0 -
I just want to make a comment on the person that compared this to bullying. Really?! I think it is someone giving tough love or either taking it wrong. Now if someone was getting bullied via their PM box then I would consider THAT but not forum discussions. The person writing in the PUBLIC forum is subjecting themselves to whatever someone might say good and bad. You can't expect everyone to be nice.0
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Some people do better with tough love.
It may not be for you, so just skip that response and go for the advice that you like.
That's the thing about the internet - it's pretty representative of real life. You won't like everyone and you won't like what everyone has to say, but we're all entitled to our own personalities and means of expression.
^^ this.
I for one appreciate honesty (even if it's blunt) and information. I do not find any help in "Sugar" coating things. For example, if I ask for advice and I'm doing something really wrong... Like the most common post... "help I'm eating 900 calories a day and can't lose weight." I don't want responses like "it's ok we all are struggling." To me this is consoling not advice. I want people to be like, "seriously, eat some food" with a some information on how to determine how much I should be eating.0 -
There, is that better?0 -
What I'm more referring too, is straight up insulting another person you don't even know, something I'd never do in real life. In person, I'm very meek and unassuming, so no, I usually don't get in the face of jerks. "Cowardly", as you so lovingly put it.
What I don't understand is why some people feel entitled to be rude, as if it makes them cool or "better". I think empathy and being genuinely kind are extremely important traits and I cherish them in others.
That clarification makes sense.
I've rarely seen real rudeness here. I've seen snark. I've seen sarcasm. But true insults? Name calling? Things that are actually damaging and/or complicit with allowing someone to hurt themselves?
No. Not here.0 -
Therefore, unless you know the person you are giving advice too or have interacted with them before, the giver should err on the side of caution and be more rather than less polite?
Or, if you are preaching the "tough love" line at least have a basic understanding of positive / negative association and / or punishment to know how it will affect people?
If I give advice to someone I think is being an idiot, it's general more for others reading than for the person I'm speaking to specifically.
Is it mean? Yeah, sure, but I don't care because I'm an a**hole anyway.0 -
It really bugs me that even on a FITNESS website designed to help people LOSE WEIGHT AND GET IN SHAPE, the ones who are in prime physical condition are extremely rude and degrading toward the people who aren't all the way there yet. But at least they're doing something about it rather than just sitting at home!! Those people need to find another way to feel better about themselves rather than putting people down.
It's hazing. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Really, it's really mild here, even with the diary shaming it's really low key and mild.
Additionally, this is not a fitness site, it's a food journaling site with a forum. Otherwise the exercise and reporting capabilities would be a lot better than they are.
TL;DR: HTFU.0 -
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I want to be fit. I befriend people who are fit and who listen to fit people. They've got to be doing something right and hopefully I can soak up some of that knowledge and if it is delivered frankly without qualifiers to cushion the blow, even better.
It's non-fit people who get butthurt when fit people say, 'hey there, you're doing that wrong, do this instead' that are the issue. It's like some people don't want to help themselves or let others help them.One of the first comments is from a guy saying, "Well if you're struggling to eat that many now, then how did you get to big to begin with?? Only saying what people are thinking"
This is not constructive criticism. Whoever this guy was wasn't trying to be helpful. He was being a being a douche.
I fail to see how this was douche-y. Honestly, I don't.
It really is mind-boggling to see someone say they can't manage to eat 1200 cals but yet they are significantly overweight. Maybe that comment set off a light bulb for someone.
Too right!0 -
If you think someone saying "How did you become overweight if you can't eat at regular levels" is bullying, please look up Amanda Todd.
Then come back and talk about bullying. I'd say "go talk to her", but she's dead. Killed herself, you see. 16 year old girl.
Extremely tragic.
I'm pretty sure Amanda Todd didn't kill herself because someone pointed out to her that she once consumed more food and therefore consuming more should not be difficult for her now.
You really are kind of ridiculous for attempting to make that comparison.
fixed it for you :flowerforyou:0 -
I just wanna live on Candy mountain where the Unicorns are free to roam and the reeses peanut butter eggs and M&Ms are plentiful. :flowerforyou:0
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If you think someone saying "How did you become overweight if you can't eat at regular levels" is bullying, please look up Amanda Todd.
Then come back and talk about bullying. I'd say "go talk to her", but she's dead. Killed herself, you see. 16 year old girl.
Extremely tragic.
I'm pretty sure Amanda Todd didn't kill herself because someone pointed out to her that she once consumed more food and therefore consuming more should not be difficult for her now.
You really are kind of ridiculous for attempting to make that comparison.
fixed it for you :flowerforyou:
That was my point. (In fact, the further part of my post quoted states exactly how ridiculous it is when people make that comparison.)
I wish MFP had quotes set up easier. It would make the million page long threads more comprehensible. :laugh:0 -
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I won't stop being blunt.
That's all.0 -
I thought having too many things sugar-coated was what made me wind up on MFP to begin with. . . .Some people do better with tough love.
It may not be for you, so just skip that response and go for the advice that you like.
That's the thing about the internet - it's pretty representative of real life. You won't like everyone and you won't like what everyone has to say, but we're all entitled to our own personalities and means of expression.
^^ this.
I for one appreciate honesty (even if it's blunt) and information. I do not find any help in "Sugar" coating things. For example, if I ask for advice and I'm doing something really wrong... Like the most common post... "help I'm eating 900 calories a day and can't lose weight." I don't want responses like "it's ok we all are struggling." To me this is consoling not advice. I want people to be like, "seriously, eat some food" with a some information on how to determine how much I should be eating.0 -
I really agree that all this comparison of "rude" people on MFP to bullying is doing a grave disservice to the young people in our country who really are being bullied on the internet and/or in IRL. Bullying is a terrible and very real problem in our country and has resulted in some great tragedies. Not the same thing at all as simply not liking the tone of someone's advice to you on MFP.0
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I really agree that all this comparison of "rude" people on MFP to bullying is doing a grave disservice to the young people in our country who really are being bullied on the internet and/or in IRL. Bullying is a terrible and very real problem in our country and has resulted in some great tragedies. Not the same thing at all as simply not liking the tone of someone's advice to you on MFP.
Thank you.0 -
That is all.0 -
Therefore, unless you know the person you are giving advice too or have interacted with them before, the giver should err on the side of caution and be more rather than less polite?
Or, if you are preaching the "tough love" line at least have a basic understanding of positive / negative association and / or punishment to know how it will affect people?
If I give advice to someone I think is being an idiot, it's general more for others reading than for the person I'm speaking to specifically.
Is it mean? Yeah, sure, but I don't care because I'm an a**hole anyway.
At least you're honest and don't try and hide it behind the veneer of "keeping it real bro!" or "tough love yeah!"
Using people as sacrificial lambs so others can benefit still requires the "idiot" being belittled. Maybe that's deserving sometimes. Generally - no.0
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