Open Relationships?

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  • StormyGal8
    StormyGal8 Posts: 184 Member
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    I was in one, probably would of worked if he didnt constantly compare sex with other girls to sex with me.
    We had really simple rules. like we couldnt be with each others friends and we had to get tested for std/sti regularly and use a condom with everyone but each other.

    I am sorry he was so tactless. This is not what all open relationships are like...actually it's not what all MEN are like. Open relationship, closed relationship, either way, I hope your next boyfriend has some courtesy and tact, and treats you like the lady you deserve to be treated like!
  • Momjogger
    Momjogger Posts: 750 Member
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    Firstly, just NO. If I choose to raise my children to understand that people are different, relationships are different, and that it's their responsibility to live in a way that makes THEM happy, that's MY call...that's why I am the mom. But frankly, my kids have no clue, neither myself nor my husband "plays" at home, ever. My home life is perfectly stable, but thanks for assuming it's not.

    We did not enter into an open relationship because we "weren't clicking in the bedroom". As a matter of fact, we click fabulously in the bedroom, and even after 10 years together are very frequently intimate with each other (in a sexual sense).

    As for "You both made a commitment to only be with each other", I am curious to know how you know what me and my husband committed to, and what our vows were? You assume that everyone has the same views on fidelity as you do. To ME fidelity is something completely different, and just because MY definition and YOUR definition are different, that doesn't make me uncommitted, or uncaring.

    Our relationship is extremely committed, very close and a lot of laughs. We sleep with other people, but we love on each other. My husband doesn't "cheat" on me...cheating means sneaking, and there is nothing sneaky here.

    Basically, you are assuming that everyone is like you. What works for you in weight loss doesn't work for everyone...likewise, what works for your marriage doesn't work for everyone. You don't see me sitting here telling you that YOUR relationship is uncommitted just because you have a closed mind, so please don't assume mine is just because I can separate sex and love.

    Guess I hit a nerve. I was expressing my opinion, which is what was aqsked for. Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion. As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken. Children see and know more than you can ever conceive. As teachers we hear alot of private information from the kids we teach that parents would die about if we ever told them (circle time in kindergarten is hilarious and sometimes horrifying). IIf you have to hide it from your kids, are you really proud of it? Does it have honor and value? Commitment is hard, that is why so many people divorce. It is also rare and covetted, and so worth it.
  • RaeN81
    RaeN81 Posts: 535 Member
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    Two people very close to me tried this in their marriages with terrible results. Aside from these examples, I truly believe that it is wrong for a number of reasons. One of the questions that I always wonder, is why don't you care if your spouse sleeps with someone else? Personally, I want my husband to have eyes only for me and to have all this attention and desire poured out on me and I want to do the same for him.
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,843 Member
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    Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion

    So, someone who jumps in to clarify their own situation, what works for them and how their vows of fidelity are different than yours means they're insecure? When someone is defending a position, trying to make the people who are so incredibly judgmental, sitting securely in your glass house while you lob stones at these people, that makes them insecure? Trying to get people to understand a lifestyle that is wrought with misconceptions makes them insecure?
  • live2runnj
    live2runnj Posts: 157
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    I was in an open relationship once, but then my wife found out.......

    Seems we were not on the same page.....
  • lnnptrck
    lnnptrck Posts: 28 Member
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    I'm not sure I could be in an open relationship, but I have two sets of couple friends who do and have made it work.

    One set are swingers and have been married for nearly twenty years and have a great relationship (from the outside looking in).

    My very best friend and her husband have an open relationship where they have permission to go OUT and do what they want, but have rules: 1. It must be with people they don't know, and 2. any kind of sexual relations can not be done in their home (must be elsewhere).

    No judgement passed.
  • SuperSexyDork
    SuperSexyDork Posts: 1,669 Member
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    To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)


    People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?

    If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.

    Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.

    I just fell in love with you a bit.

    Well I am in an open relationship ;)

    I think I'm in love with you a bit too!
  • StormyGal8
    StormyGal8 Posts: 184 Member
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    Guess I hit a nerve. I was expressing my opinion, which is what was aqsked for. Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion. As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken. Children see and know more than you can ever conceive. As teachers we hear alot of private information from the kids we teach that parents would die about if we ever told them (circle time in kindergarten is hilarious and sometimes horrifying). IIf you have to hide it from your kids, are you really proud of it? Does it have honor and value? Commitment is hard, that is why so many people divorce. It is also rare and covetted, and so worth it.

    I guess you would go and tell your 6 and 8 year old "Hey, me and your dad had the hottest, kinkiest sex last night"??? Yeah...my kids don't know, since they don't understand about sex yet. I never said I was PROUD of it...the sexual agreement between my husband and myself is just that. I don't boast about it to friends, I don't hang a banner from my roof. We simply live our lives in the way that suits us best. I know exactly how hard commitment is thanks. My husband and I have been achieving it for the last 10 years, despite the fact that we sleep with other people. As a matter of fact, after 10 years together, my husband STILL treats me better, kinder and more sweetly than most new couples I know. My little girls are growing up knowing how a man should treat someone he loves. My children are growing up seeing what LOVE looks like, and my children are growing up knowing that no matter how they choose to live, no matter their sexual orientations, their politics, their religions, if they find happiness in their hearts, we will love and support them.

    So go ahead and spew your close mindedness and judgement, in the end, I know that children will grow up surrounded by love and acceptance (love and acceptance of them, love and acceptance of each other, love and acceptance of people who live different lives than us for any number of other reasons), no matter what happens behind closed doors.
  • pain_is_weakness
    pain_is_weakness Posts: 798 Member
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    To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)


    People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?

    If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.

    Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.

    I just fell in love with you a bit.

    Well I am in an open relationship ;)

    I think I'm in love with you a bit too!

    I think I am in love with you both
  • ilikepandasyay
    ilikepandasyay Posts: 96 Member
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    To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)


    People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?

    If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.

    Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.

    I just fell in love with you a bit.

    Well I am in an open relationship ;)

    I think I'm in love with you a bit too!

    *blush*
  • Momjogger
    Momjogger Posts: 750 Member
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    Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion

    So, someone who jumps in to clarify their own situation, what works for them and how their vows of fidelity are different than yours means they're insecure? When someone is defending a position, trying to make the people who are so incredibly judgmental, sitting securely in your glass house while you lob stones at these people, that makes them insecure? Trying to get people to understand a lifestyle that is wrought with misconceptions makes them insecure?

    Yes it does. Defensiveness signifies insecurity. So does expressing anger - such as comments like judgemental, and glass houses and stones.
  • StormyGal8
    StormyGal8 Posts: 184 Member
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    Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion

    So, someone who jumps in to clarify their own situation, what works for them and how their vows of fidelity are different than yours means they're insecure? When someone is defending a position, trying to make the people who are so incredibly judgmental, sitting securely in your glass house while you lob stones at these people, that makes them insecure? Trying to get people to understand a lifestyle that is wrought with misconceptions makes them insecure?

    Yes it does. Defensiveness signifies insecurity. So does expressing anger - such as comments like judgemental, and glass houses and stones.

    You want to sit here and claim that you're not judgmental? Really? Wow!
    At least we can own up to who we are, and what we believe, despite going against popular opinion.
  • Momjogger
    Momjogger Posts: 750 Member
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    Guess I hit a nerve. I was expressing my opinion, which is what was aqsked for. Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion. As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken. Children see and know more than you can ever conceive. As teachers we hear alot of private information from the kids we teach that parents would die about if we ever told them (circle time in kindergarten is hilarious and sometimes horrifying). IIf you have to hide it from your kids, are you really proud of it? Does it have honor and value? Commitment is hard, that is why so many people divorce. It is also rare and covetted, and so worth it.

    I guess you would go and tell your 6 and 8 year old "Hey, me and your dad had the hottest, kinkiest sex last night"??? Yeah...my kids don't know, since they don't understand about sex yet. I never said I was PROUD of it...the sexual agreement between my husband and myself is just that. I don't boast about it to friends, I don't hang a banner from my roof. We simply live our lives in the way that suits us best. I know exactly how hard commitment is thanks. My husband and I have been achieving it for the last 10 years, despite the fact that we sleep with other people. As a matter of fact, after 10 years together, my husband STILL treats me better, kinder and more sweetly than most new couples I know. My little girls are growing up knowing how a man should treat someone he loves. My children are growing up seeing what LOVE looks like, and my children are growing up knowing that no matter how they choose to live, no matter their sexual orientations, their politics, their religions, if they find happiness in their hearts, we will love and support them.

    So go ahead and spew your close mindedness and judgement, in the end, I know that children will grow up surrounded by love and acceptance (love and acceptance of them, love and acceptance of each other, love and acceptance of people who live different lives than us for any number of other reasons), no matter what happens behind closed doors.

    Again, my opinion. You are so angry about this. It makes me sad.I never spewed or judged. I just disagree.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    i think its a sin
    No it's not a sin, it's a choice. it's a choice personally not for me.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    Again, my opinion. You are so angry about this. It makes me sad.I never spewed or judged. I just disagree.
    I'm kind of angry at you, too, and I'm not even in an open relationship. You're making it really easy.
  • pain_is_weakness
    pain_is_weakness Posts: 798 Member
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    i think its a sin
    No it's not a sin, it's a choice. it's a choice personally not for me.


    maybe it's a sin

    so it premarital sex
    being gay
    lusting after a man or women
    lying
    not honoring your parents


    I could go on forever
  • pain_is_weakness
    pain_is_weakness Posts: 798 Member
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    Again, my opinion. You are so angry about this. It makes me sad.I never spewed or judged. I just disagree.
    I'm kind of angry at you, too, and I'm not even in an open relationship. You're making it really easy.

    quite easy, but I don't defend myself because you aren't worth it, if you read my post I was curious about people who have the lifestyle or relationship! Anyone is welcome of coourse but please don't think I asked for YOUR opinions, being on a public board yes there will be everyone, but I am really only reding the people who have the lifestyle or friends that do
  • obrendao
    obrendao Posts: 318
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    What I wonder is this: Don't you lose the intimacy and spiritual connectedness of sex with your partner when you have other partners? Or does that even occur?

    That's why I could never go there. Its too private, too close/spiritual, too metaphysical even.Guess its just hard for me to understand open relationships. Haha interesting tho.
  • SuperSexyDork
    SuperSexyDork Posts: 1,669 Member
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    Okay, so here's the thing...

    My very best friend in the whole wide world and her husband are swingers. They started out monogamous (for about 10 years) and were that way until about 3 years ago when they both started to explore different aspects of their sexuality with each other and that eventually spread to the addition of others. They very much enjoy the lifestyle and each other. If anything, they're happier now then they were before. The key to their relationship is CONSTANT communication and security in themselves and their relationship. That doesn't mean that there is never jealousy, it simply means that the jealousy is brought up and the underlying issues are worked out just as they should be in every relationship. They quite seriously describe their swinging as "sex for sport." I think it's an apt description.

    My relationship is non-traditional. I'm openly bisexual and very secure in myself. We have had other women in our bed together and are currently seeking to add a third person to our relationship in a polyamorous way.

    Sex can absolutely be just sex. If you cannot separate the two, that doesn't mean that you should disparage others that can. While my SO and I were living apart, I was okay with him sleeping with another woman because he most certainly can separate the two. However, for me I have a hard time separating emotion for and sex with the person I am with. I am a rather emotional person and I am okay with that.

    Different variations of relationships work for different people. I think we would all do well to remember that.

    **If we were to add another girl onto our relationship permanently we would be honest with our children. I know better than to try and hide things from them because children are so perceptive. Besides, I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they must be a secret. Seriously, how would you feel if you had to be a secret?

    It's as easy to explain to them as being gay or bisexual. For that I simply told them that it's okay to love who you love. It doesn't matter what anyone says as long as the people involved are happy. They know that I am capable of loving both boys and girls in that respect. If we teach our children tolerance from a young age, they should have no problem understanding the non-sexual aspects of something like poly.
  • StormyGal8
    StormyGal8 Posts: 184 Member
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    Guess I hit a nerve. I was expressing my opinion, which is what was aqsked for. Just food for thought, if you are this offended by my opinion and feel you have to defend your position, it usually means there is something wrong. Defensive people are not secure people, so perhaps you are not as comfortable with your lifestyle as you portray.. Please don't assume that I was attacking anyone, because I was not. I was expressing my opinion. As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken. Children see and know more than you can ever conceive. As teachers we hear alot of private information from the kids we teach that parents would die about if we ever told them (circle time in kindergarten is hilarious and sometimes horrifying). IIf you have to hide it from your kids, are you really proud of it? Does it have honor and value? Commitment is hard, that is why so many people divorce. It is also rare and covetted, and so worth it.

    I guess you would go and tell your 6 and 8 year old "Hey, me and your dad had the hottest, kinkiest sex last night"??? Yeah...my kids don't know, since they don't understand about sex yet. I never said I was PROUD of it...the sexual agreement between my husband and myself is just that. I don't boast about it to friends, I don't hang a banner from my roof. We simply live our lives in the way that suits us best. I know exactly how hard commitment is thanks. My husband and I have been achieving it for the last 10 years, despite the fact that we sleep with other people. As a matter of fact, after 10 years together, my husband STILL treats me better, kinder and more sweetly than most new couples I know. My little girls are growing up knowing how a man should treat someone he loves. My children are growing up seeing what LOVE looks like, and my children are growing up knowing that no matter how they choose to live, no matter their sexual orientations, their politics, their religions, if they find happiness in their hearts, we will love and support them.

    So go ahead and spew your close mindedness and judgement, in the end, I know that children will grow up surrounded by love and acceptance (love and acceptance of them, love and acceptance of each other, love and acceptance of people who live different lives than us for any number of other reasons), no matter what happens behind closed doors.

    Again, my opinion. You are so angry about this. It makes me sad.I never spewed or judged. I just disagree.

    You're exact words were "As a mother and a teacher, I do not believe an open relationship environment is condusive to safety and stability for children, no matter how it is conducted, and if you think you are hiding anything from your children, you are mistaken."
    That is passing judgment. You should try looking it up. You assume that my children are unsafe, since we always go out to play, no one ever comes into my house, therefor my children are just as safe as if I was in a monogamous relationship.We don't even get a sitter, one of us goes out to play at a time, and the other stays home with the kids...
    I am angry at your assumptions, and your prejudice, I am not angry at my lifestyle. I am not defensive, I am self righteous. You have a lot of misconceptions and sadly, as a teacher, you are sharing that judgmental attitude with your students whether you mean to or not.
    You would be amazed at the colours you would see if you opened your mind (not your lifestyle, just your mind) a wee bit. I have inner peace, I go to sleep wrapped in love every night. I don't need your acceptance, but I will not sit here and accept you accusing me of endangering my children, or allowing them to live in an unsafe environment because of what I do behind closed doors (OTHER PEOPLE'S closed doors).

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