Open Relationships?

I found the following that seems to sum it all up pretty good: (http://www.serolynne.com/polyvsswing.htm)



Sex vs Relationships: Swing is generally more about recreational sex and polyamory is more about loving relationships. In swinging, friendship is usually the deepest emotional connection that a couple allows with others (and that isn't a requirement for all swingers). Polyamory usually involves deeply emotional connections (love) with multiple people, and sex can (and usually is) an integral part of those relationships. Swinging is more like friends with benefits, whereas polyamory is more along the lines of having multiple boyfriends, girlfriends or spouses. In polyamory, you open yourself up to falling in LOVE with more than one person at a time. In swing, that's usually pretty threatening to the core couple.

Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy: Swinging, in many ways is still monogamously based. While sexual fidelity isn't a part of that monogamy... swinging is very couple-centric. A couple goes into it knowing that neither of them will fall for another person any more emotionally than friendship. Swinging is viewed as safe and non-threatening to the couple's emotionally monogamous relationship. Polyamory usually isn't approached from a couple-centric place. While couples may both date (even date the same person)... the relationships are viewed as individual relationships. In polyamory, you're much more an individual than identified with your relationship structure.

Discreet vs. "Out": Swinging is usually a discreet activity that a couple does on the weekends - whereas polyamorous relationship are part of every day life, and not an activity done from time to time. Usually polyamorous relationships are long term, and have a very regular component to them (daily/weekly, etc.). Polyamorous people usually have a desire to be "out" about their relationships (even if they can't be realistically) - because the people they're involved with hold a very important place in their lives and heart - equivalent to a spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend. Poly people tend to want their partners to be with them for for major events - holidays, weddings, funerals, company picnics, etc. - as well as part of their every day life - grocery shopping, movies, hanging out, etc.

I couldn't do it personally - I am too jealous because of my own insecurities and issues and my husband knows this. In fact I told him before we bought our house together (which was before we got married) that if he cheats regardless of reason we would be through. So this type of open relationship would drive me crazy. However, if a couple seriously thinks about it and talks about it and each person is able to independantly decide that they can handle it then go for it. The only caution I would say is to keep the communication open if you decide to have this type of open relationship because what we think we can handle in our minds based on a scenario oftentimes is not true when actually faced with reality.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!!

no... no... no... and no...

Edited to add: My marriage vowels said "forsaking all others" it was pretty cut and dry... also talked about cherishing, respecting, honoring... no this "lifestyle" isn't for everyone

Sex isn't all that a marriage is based on. Or at least it isn't in my book.

Sex and marriage are constructs. There is no ONE definition that fits all couples. What's intimate to me is not intimate to you, what constitutes a relationship to me, is not what constitutes a relationship to you.

Which one of us is right? Both of us are because we get to define our construct based on our experiences and values.

That's why threads like these are a waste of time and energy. There is no right or wrong answer. The OP needs to figure out what's right for her and her spouse based on their definition of marriage and intimacy. Asking others is pretty useless as you can see.

*Love*

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

Sex is never just sex. Someone ends up getting hurt or hurting another person in the end.

Not necessarily true. If two people separate love and sex, and it's a mutual agreement, all should be good.
I know a guy, he was #3 in an open relationship and played with the wife (not the husband) He got in too deep and would totally take it to the next level if he had the chance. That's not what swinging is about. It's... just sex. It's having bedroom fun with another person. You can get hurt if you allow your feelings to go the wrong way. It happens, but not as often as you'd think.

And some people practice polyamory and don't always separate love and sex. It's like any other relationship, you're opening yourself up to all sorts of things, great feelings and not so great. Many relationships end, it happens in monogomy and it happens in swinging and it happens in polyamory.

Yes but people like to try and demonize these types of relationships because they are different and they don't agree to it. Yea things can happen and marriages can end in a swinging, polygamous or open relationship but they also end monogamous ones too. It's the fact that people are choosing to consent and go outside the marriage and have sex that people have a problem with and are quick to say its wrong and nothing good can come out of it.

I find it funny that people in mongamous relationships look down their nose at alternative lifestyles, but the divorce rate in traditional marriage is above 50% now days.

It is way lower in Polyamorous and Polyagamist relationships...................

Things that make you go hmmmmmm

I find it funny that people in mongamous relationships look down their nose at alternative lifestyles, but the divorce rate in traditional marriage is above 50% now days.

It is way lower in Polyamorous and Polyagamist relationships...................

Things that make you go hmmmmmm

Indeed!

I have to be honest and that I don't even know what my wedding vows were. The only thing I know is that I said "For richer or richer" lol!

It is a gamble. If the marriage is something you are willing to gamble with and are prepared to lose over random sex then by all means do it. This is just my opinion but I would not gamble with something that I truly valued.

ITA with this.

I've seen open relationships in several of my married friends - and it always benefits one person, not the other. Eventually the door mat person (the one who agrees to the open relationship for the sake of keeping the other person interested and around) gets tired of the arrangement, and either files for divorce or demand that the relationship becomes monogamous again - which normally leads to the other person filing for divorce.

Granted, all of the divorces we've seen in our circle of friends who had open relationships - all had children involved, so I'm not sure if that was a factor or not.

Maybe it works for people who aren't really into each other in the first place?

Def would not do it here. But, to each their own - so long as any children in the situation don't end up hurt over the results...

This has been what I have seen too. I've known a few couples who were into this. In all cases it was the last stop on the way to divorce town. Not to say that was what caused the divorce, something was lost in their relationship (with the people I knew) that they were trying to get back.

As far as kids go, the people across the street from us (errr the people who used to live across the street from us) used to have kids who would run around telling everyone that their mommy and daddy take showers with strangers. lol

I wish. That will never happen for me though.

just curious, swinging isn't for everyone I hate the term but I do love my husband, but sex is just sex, just curious if anyone has been doing it and had it work for a while?

Sex is never just sex. Someone ends up getting hurt or hurting another person in the end.

Not necessarily true. If two people separate love and sex, and it's a mutual agreement, all should be good.
I know a guy, he was #3 in an open relationship and played with the wife (not the husband) He got in too deep and would totally take it to the next level if he had the chance. That's not what swinging is about. It's... just sex. It's having bedroom fun with another person. You can get hurt if you allow your feelings to go the wrong way. It happens, but not as often as you'd think.

And some people practice polyamory and don't always separate love and sex. It's like any other relationship, you're opening yourself up to all sorts of things, great feelings and not so great. Many relationships end, it happens in monogomy and it happens in swinging and it happens in polyamory.

Yes but people like to try and demonize these types of relationships because they are different and they don't agree to it. Yea things can happen and marriages can end in a swinging, polygamous or open relationship but they also end monogamous ones too. It's the fact that people are choosing to consent and go outside the marriage and have sex that people have a problem with and are quick to say its wrong and nothing good can come out of it.

I find it funny that people in mongamous relationships look down their nose at alternative lifestyles, but the divorce rate in traditional marriage is above 50% now days.

It is way lower in Polyamorous and Polyagamist relationships...................

Things that make you go hmmmmmm

I find it funny that you paint all the people in monogamous relationships with the same brush and say we all look down our noses at alternative lifestyles. There have been a few posts here that judged the swinging/open marriage lifestyle, but there have been far more from monogamous people who say that they could never do it, but if it works for other folks, so be it.

I personally don't care if the divorce rater is higher or lower in poly relationships, if that's what people want to do, then do it and enjoy it. It wouldn't work in my specific relationship.

It really depends on both of your personalities. I personally would never do it. I've had friends who were in open relationships for 7 years, but in the end the boyfriend couldn't take it anymore. It was hurting him for years, but he always just pushed it down and had sex with other partners just to "feel better".

Give it a try by starting with something simple, don't jump right into something crazy. It's totally up to you and your husband, don't let other people tell you what to do. Just figure it out together and find out what you're both comfortable with.

It works if folks are mature enough to handle it.
We aren't swingers, per se, but we are rather open. We've been happily married for 12 years. Things like that tend to spice up a couple's sex life if it gets in a rut.

To me, sex is just sex and adding a third or fourth to the mix just makes more sex.

exactly, we hate the term, but I agree fully!

I agree as well. It's nice to see more people who think like I do.

To all the people who are like "Love is only for one person!! If you want your world to do anything other than revolve around your SO you're doin' it wrong!" Then you guys must obviously not have kids (world no longer revolves around SO) and if you do then you DEFINITELY only have one kid (love is only for one person!!! how could you ever love mroe than one child?!?!?)


People, you have more than one friend right? More than one person you like to talk to, spend time with? Do you go "This person is only my MOVIE friend, I will watch movies with them and ONLY them. This other person is my SUSHI friend, I will eat sushi with them and only them." If not, then why does SEX have to work that way for you?

If you love the person you're with, your time with other people will not diminish your relationship with your SO, your relationship with them will still be special because each person in your life should be special to you. The sex you have with person A is not the same sex you have with person B, each person is different, the sex is different, and both should make you happy, if that's what you're going for.

Jealousy happens. It sucks. But monogamy doesn't mean there's no jealousy, it just means you probably aren't dealing with it openly. The wife who says to her husband "I'm jealous that you are looking at that pretty girl" is probably going to get blown off, the wife in an open relationship (which to me doesn't mean sleeping around, it means negotiated non-monogamy) who says "I'm jealous about the amount of time you spend with your other sweethearts" has hopefully opened the door for a discussion about the jealousy and how to minimize it.

I just fell in love with you a bit.

Well I am in an open relationship

I think I'm in love with you a bit too!

Well, I'm not in love with you but I sure will sleep with ya'll :bigsmile:

I have been married for 4 years and together with my husband 10.

We were in an open relationship for awhile and all was fine.

We later called it off for our own reasons and all is fine. Between people that care about each other, and with CLEAR ground rules, not an issue.

It works if folks are mature enough to handle it.

:laugh: I guess my husband and I are way too immature for that kind of a relationship. We are VERY attached, and sex isn't just sex to us. It's how we communicate and relate as a bonded pair. It's not for sharing...Selfish of us, I know! :smooched:

I couldn't do it, i wouldn't be able to stop picturing him with her and if he liked her better... it would go on and on and wreck our relationship.