How to tell her she's gaining weight...

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  • predent
    predent Posts: 95
    My boyfriend just kind of came out and said it. He knew I knew, but he also knew that I wouldn't do anything about it until it was pointed out. I don't have any hard feelings toward him :) I appreciated his honesty.
  • Matt_Wild
    Matt_Wild Posts: 2,673 Member

    I assume they do when they are mad or hurt with something their partners said. Because people don't feel like cuddling the people they are mad at in the moment usually.

    I never withhold anything that can tear a relationship asunder myself.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member

    I assume they do when they are mad or hurt with something their partners said. Because people don't feel like cuddling the people they are mad at in the moment usually.

    I never withhold anything that can tear a relationship asunder myself.

    Even when you are really angry and hurt? I wouldn't want my husband cuddling me when he wasn't liking me much. We do hug to make up sometimes, but I'd find it kind of odd if he were mad at me but snuggling me. I'd be pretty uncomfortable and don't want to associate snuggling with him being mad at me.
  • Babymomakell
    Babymomakell Posts: 257 Member
    If you say, "Baby, put down the oreos. I know your muffin top is getting Costco-big." you are likely to get served.

    THIS....... hilarious... and soooo true!!!
  • Babymomakell
    Babymomakell Posts: 257 Member
    I'm with everyone one else in this - She knows. However, if it was me, I WOULD want you to say something...but not "Hey, I've noticed you've gained some weight, why don't we start losing weight together". Most women don't gain weight because they feel so good about themselves and their life that they just don't care if they gain - if we gain weight, usually it's because something else is going on, emotionally (I know that's a scary word for you men to read :) Instead of saying you want to help fix the symptom, acknowledge that there may be something else going on..."I've noticed you've put on a little weight, are you feeling okay? how are things going at work? Is there something stressing you out that I can help with?" At least that's what would be kindest to me. Some women might give you a black eye, but at least this way she knows that you are considering what's going on with HER life, and not just thinking that YOU want to be with someone who is physically attractive all the time.

    I completely agree with this, and this would be the best approach for me.
  • Matt_Wild
    Matt_Wild Posts: 2,673 Member

    I assume they do when they are mad or hurt with something their partners said. Because people don't feel like cuddling the people they are mad at in the moment usually.

    I never withhold anything that can tear a relationship asunder myself.

    Even when you are really angry and hurt? I wouldn't want my husband cuddling me when he wasn't liking me much. We do hug to make up sometimes, but I'd find it kind of odd if he were mad at me but snuggling me. I'd be pretty uncomfortable and don't want to associate snuggling with him being mad at me.

    Yes, why cause more hurt and stress in an already stressed and angered situation?
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
    Yes, why cause more hurt and stress in an already stressed and angered situation?

    Because for us, being inauthentic is damaging too. If the other person really needed a hug, it's not like one of us would say no. But it just would seem odd to me for us to snuggle/cuddle and kiss when that's not where we're both at.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
    It depends on the situation. I would be very offended if I was still a healthy weight and made to feel fat. However, if I was getting unhealthily fat, I guess it is better to have it pointed out.
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    Obviously she already knows, and telling her isn't news. What it does do it tell her that you've noticed, and that you're (presumably) not pleased.

    Is there value in that?

    Yes.
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    Everyone goes on about the importance of communication in a relationship.

    But it doesn't really count for much when it's only happy good times stuff, does it?
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    "Honey, I want you to be completely open to me, share *all* your feelings. Unless I'm getting fat."

    lulz
  • cblevitron
    cblevitron Posts: 243
    "Honey, I want you to be completely open to me, share *all* your feelings. Unless I'm getting fat."

    lulz

    It's more like, "Share all your feelings with regards to my feelings and perhaps some tact."
  • Tml076
    Tml076 Posts: 4
    The nicest way to do it is sugguest to exercise together. telling her is just going to get you in trouble. coming up with a solution and reinforcing it in a together sort of way is the best way to go.
  • gemmalouise85
    gemmalouise85 Posts: 157 Member
    the guy i love telling me my *kitten* is getting big is what i needed to do this, being polite isnt going to make our lifes together any better, I want him to find me sexy, irrasistable as day we met!
  • BeckaT79
    BeckaT79 Posts: 216
    When I finally realized how big I got (Yes I was that person thought my looks never changed even though I went up a couple pant sizes) I was actually upset that my husband didn't tell me I was putting on so much weight,. I love that he supports me and loves me the way that I am, but I thought it was a slap in the face that he didn't tell me. I should have seen it but it would have been nice to hear it. Good luck :-)
  • poedunk65
    poedunk65 Posts: 1,336 Member
    yes i have. I have been on my wife, nicely though, to log all of her food. Right now we both have alot to lose and I am working on me. I finally got her to ride our exercise bike 5 days a week.

    I ask her to log cuz you don;t reallize what you are eating sometimes unless it';s there in black and white.
  • EmilyRanae22
    EmilyRanae22 Posts: 506 Member
    I got chewed out a while back for a post like this about one of my friends. Everyone was all up in arms "who made you the fat police"...."obviously she knows".....finally when she mentioned buying some bigger jeans I said "I love you, yes new jeans, but maybe a diet would be a good idea too." Her response? "THANK YOU! I was in denial until you said something." Then we brainstormed potential causes (depression, stress, bithcontrol change)....

    you're the only one who knows your girl well enough to know how she'll respond, my friend, she needed blunt with a little tact maybe your girl needs a lot of tact but if she's buying new jeans like it's going out of style I'd definitely recommend saying SOMETHING, even if it's just saying "hey, why don't you do MFP with me"
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    The nicest way to do it is sugguest to exercise together. telling her is just going to get you in trouble. coming up with a solution and reinforcing it in a together sort of way is the best way to go.

    She's either going to figure out what you're doing or she isn't. In the latter case you're still in trouble, and in the former, well, you're manipulating her. I'd rather be honest.

    (Also, weight loss is mostly about eating choices, not exercise.)
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member

    I assume they do when they are mad or hurt with something their partners said. Because people don't feel like cuddling the people they are mad at in the moment usually.

    I never withhold anything that can tear a relationship asunder myself.

    Even when you are really angry and hurt? I wouldn't want my husband cuddling me when he wasn't liking me much. We do hug to make up sometimes, but I'd find it kind of odd if he were mad at me but snuggling me. I'd be pretty uncomfortable and don't want to associate snuggling with him being mad at me.

    Yes, why cause more hurt and stress in an already stressed and angered situation?

    It's not necessarily about with holding, as it is with the intimacy of it all. When I disrobe I want to feel sexy, not just sexed. If I just want to get a pounding I'll break out the rabbit. I want the lights on (at least a little) and to give it a little strut. If all I can think about is that he thinks I'm getting fat, giggly, and unappealing . . . well I'll stick to my rabbit. In my experience men are no different, they want to be that peacock strutting through the room. I can tell when the hubs body image is suffering because he doesn't proposition me and turns out the lights. You want to be desirable and desired.
  • NavyKnightAh13
    NavyKnightAh13 Posts: 1,394 Member
    My husband and i are open and honest with each other, but he also saw me at my heaviest. Did he start to get worried? Yes, but he also has seen how much weight i have been losing and compliments me on it. I try to encourage him to work out, even if it is something silly (last night he and i played on the ddr 2 board for about 2 hours with the wii) and it was fun. He doesn't work out often, but i love him no matter what weight he is, just like he loves me, but i have told him that if i get too big to let me know, and i know that he will. I have also told him that I am worried about him with his heart issue and that being 277lbs (he has muscle in there as well) isn't the best option either, but never once have i called him a fatty (his exes have and for the longest time, it blew his confidence) and so far, between me working out, and eating healthier, it has influenced him to try and eat healthier (step in the right direction)

    with that being said, telling a female something she already knows will probably get you smacked in the face and a kick in the nads (sorry I know females that are like this) but telling her that you are worried about her and that you want to exercise together will be the best way to go.
  • slimmermomma
    slimmermomma Posts: 82 Member
    Obviously,she knows.

    Don't tell her. There is such thing as justifiable homicide, you know.

    Made me laugh!
  • betteringmyselfeachday
    betteringmyselfeachday Posts: 99
    I have seen my friends get into relationships and gain quite a bit of weight. I told him I don't want to become so comfortable in our relationship that I "supersize" myself. I have asked my fiancee to tell me when I start to look bad, but I doubt I will get to that point because I am tougher on myself than he ever could be to me.

    With that said, weight is a very touchy issue. If you approach it in the wrong manner, you could hurt someone's feelings. Maybe start with suggesting eating healthier together. Maybe start walking together in the evenings. Sensitivitiy is key!
  • gemmalouise85
    gemmalouise85 Posts: 157 Member
    I got chewed out a while back for a post like this about one of my friends. Everyone was all up in arms "who made you the fat police"...."obviously she knows".....finally when she mentioned buying some bigger jeans I said "I love you, yes new jeans, but maybe a diet would be a good idea too." Her response? "THANK YOU! I was in denial until you said something." Then we brainstormed potential causes (depression, stress, bithcontrol change)....

    you're the only one who knows your girl well enough to know how she'll respond, my friend, she needed blunt with a little tact maybe your girl needs a lot of tact but if she's buying new jeans like it's going out of style I'd definitely recommend saying SOMETHING, even if it's just saying "hey, why don't you do MFP with me"

    I agree, I think some people dont have those close friendships or relationships with people, I know I can tell my partner and closest friends anything and be fine, If my friend asks me if she looks noce in a dress she respects me for being honest!..

    My partner telling me i'm eating way too much and gaining alot lately was what i needed to hear and respect him for telling me. I don't understand women who would find it affensive? If my partner was going off me and thinknig i was gaining alot i'd rather him tell me than him walking away later on.
  • onebusygrl
    onebusygrl Posts: 1
    Ideally, you would've already asked her this question somewhere towards the beginning (first year or two) of your relationship, whenever you start getting really serious. Every woman is different because we all have different personalities and different life experiences, so just because 70% of people who responded to this thread say "don't say anything", that doesn't mean that your lady would agree. And just because 30% say you have every right to speak up, doesn't mean your lady would agree. What is truly important is how SHE would want you to respond to this situation.

    Now, with that being said, if you're asking this question you probably haven't had that conversation with her. And for that reason, I would say to er on the side of caution and be very careful what you choose to say, if anything. I would say the odds are she already knows she is gaining weight and you bringing it up is only going to make her feel worse. Now don't get me wrong, she COULD respond by hitting the gym and eating healthy to keep her man happy, but there is also a good chance she could respond differently, get depressed and be even less motivated to lose weight AND lose security in your relationship because she worries that you might be unhappy with her. These are just possibilities. I think your best bet is to figure out if her current weight is TRULY an issue for you. If it really is then I think you should start by trying to include her in your healthy activities. Cook her a healthy dinner. Invite her to go for a walk with you. Invite her to play tennis or go hiking or something like that. That way, she can be more active without you making her feel insecure or bad about herself. Her weight gain may go deeper than poor diet and exercise, and if that's the case, there's probably not much you can do until she learns how to address the real problem. If it becomes a huge issue for you and nothing else works and you feel like your relationship may be in jeopardy due to her weight gain, ONLY then would I speak up.

    Good luck! Congrats on your own progress! :)
  • Rockmyskinnyjeans
    Rockmyskinnyjeans Posts: 431 Member
    Believe me, she knows she's gaining weight. She might not want to accept that she is, but she knows it and hearing it from you won't make it any less of a blow, but it will bring it out in the open and likely be a sigh of relief to everyone, in the end. Just say something if you feel the need to.
  • misslady72
    misslady72 Posts: 37 Member
    My boo told me he would like to see me lose some weight...for my health. I mean...I know it might have been primarily for my health, but sure he wanted me to look better too. And then I joined mfp. Took me a year though to get it moving in the right direction. He's still around :) And happy when he sees me
  • BrieLP
    BrieLP Posts: 300 Member
    Oh this is such a touchy subject... Let's just say this, if you love her and I mean truely in love with her, you would NOT say anything at all!!! It would be very smart of you to not say anything.....

    My ex-husband called me fat almost everyday, guess what I got fatter, I didn't lose the weight...
    My fiance: tells me everyday I'm not fat (although I am!!) and tells me I'm beautiful more than once a day and guess what I'm becoming more healthier and losing the weight...

    JUST DON'T DO IT!
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    with that being said, telling a female something she already knows will probably get you smacked in the face and a kick in the nads ...

    That's why you should tell her in a text message!
  • raygunn_viola
    raygunn_viola Posts: 88 Member
    Instead of saying that she is gaining weight, tell her that you want to start exercising and ask if she wants to join you. If you start making healthier descisions, she might follow, and it is always easier to exercise with someone else.
  • EmilyRanae22
    EmilyRanae22 Posts: 506 Member
    Oh this is such a touchy subject... Let's just say this, if you love her and I mean truely in love with her, you would NOT say anything at all!!! It would be very smart of you to not say anything.....

    My ex-husband called me fat almost everyday, guess what I got fatter, I didn't lose the weight...
    My fiance: tells me everyday I'm not fat (although I am!!) and tells me I'm beautiful more than once a day and guess what I'm becoming more healthier and losing the weight...

    JUST DON'T DO IT!

    there's a big difference between calling someone fat all the time which is just being a jerk and telling someone "I love you, you're sexy, it would probably be good for you to lose some weight."

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