Men, would you let your wife be a surrogate mother?

it's definately a big decision and one that needs to be discussed and decided on as a couple. It will really effect her husband too, as he will be dealing with her during the pregnancy and she will probably be very emotional afterward and he will have to be there for her. it's a great thing to do, but a major life choice

Men, would you let your wife be a surrogate mother? Ladies, if you really wanted to be a surrogate mother for someone and your husband wouldn't let you, would you do it anyways? I am asking because I have a friend who is going through this and some of you usually gives great advice.

Um... my wife is her own person. She does what she wants, and so do I. That's how our relationship works, anyway. My understanding of any relationship is that it is not a contract or a condition of one possessing the other - and frankly, I'd be skeeved if my significant other were always asking me permission for things.

But then again, maybe the way I see things is contributing to that 'masculinity crisis' I've heard so much about...

Lone_Wolf70: I think you need to look up IVF.....they are not creating a baby from thin air you moron! Its the same exact thing as conceiving "naturally" except for where it happens.

Reported

I'm glad you reported that; it gets me very annoyed when people stoop to that level just because they disagree with a view-point.

After reading these posts and thinking about it, I have to agree that surrogacy isn't natural or ideal. I can respect that other people's decision to do it though. I also have to agree that adopting is a better option, and far more noble. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to adopt a new-born baby; lots of hoops and sometimes expensive and heart-breaking (the mother can change her mind).

However, there are lots of older children in the foster system that are relatively easy to adopt, but perhaps it can be loosely compared to adopting a puppy; older children aren't as "cute" and may have behavioural problems (not that it's their fault!). I wish more people would consider giving those children a chance. Speaking from experience, my step-father was the greatest blessing in my life. I didn't start living with him until I was 14 and I was a complete nightmare from the experience of living with my father and his second wife, but he took me under his wing, treated me with love and respect and we had a wonderful relationship. Not totally the same, but a person CAN love a child that isn't biologically their own, and thank god that a few of us messed up kids get blessed with someone like that.

It's great that you had a good step father, and I agree that you don't have to be blood to be loved... but taking an older child out of the foster system is only for very special people that are willing to deal with a LOT of garbage in most cases. There's only a handful that aren't totally messed up because of what they've been through. It's sad. It isn't because they aren't "cute;" it's because they are much more work and have so many issues-some aren't even the kind that can be overcome. A child with detachment issues or with disorganized attachment problems generally can't be "fixed." It's sad. But it's true. And those kids need so much, and by the time one realizes it, it's too late to "give them back."

As for adoption of a newborn-it's incredibly hard to adopt a newborn. My friend just turned 40, and she and her husband were taken off the list because they're now "too old" to adopt a baby. They waited years and never got once crack at it!

I don't think there's a thing in the world wrong with people who have the means to provide to have egg and sperm harvested and put together in a lab and then transferred to a womb that can maintain a pregnancy. These people have a solid marriage, a nice home, and they love their son (who, btw, wasn't adopted through an agency-it was a private family issue that led to the adoption of the little guy). They're wonderful parents, and they deserve a baby even if they're a little "old" according to adoption agencies!

I do know what you are saying and I agree that those older children often have big problems. I myself have been labeled with attachment issues, complex PTSD, bipolar disorder (rapid cycling!), borderline personality disorder... have I missed any??? Oh, yeah, I had life threatening migraines in my teens (which cleared up in a safe, stable environment).

You are right that most people would not want to take it on. But, a messed up child (like me) can sometimes come around and thrive in a healthy environment. Sometimes so much so, that all the professional diagnoses look false (although for me, the attachment issues and PTSD is here to stay but I manage fairly well regardless).

While it was wrong to use a puppy for comparison, I really do think the "cute" factor does come into play. Or the "mine" factor.

However, no matter my opinion, and wishing for things that aren't so, I will respect the choice of others.

Well, first of all no one "lets" or "doesn't let" me do ANYTHING. This is a situation that necessitates discussion, and would be a mutual decision based on that discusion, respect for one another, and any other criteria that we establish between ourselves.

I keep seeing this, I bet my left nut that you dont let your man do alot of things. Women take so offense to a man not so called letting her do things. No one should ever be controlling but in some things, its normal for a guy not let his women do things without permission such as sleeping with another man, buying a car, going on dates with another guy, take a job that relocates her, get an abortion, quit a job, put the house on the market, move, change your child's school, put down a family pet, and spend money on a high purchase item. Its a marriage and that requires communication and both parties making decisions as a team. A man is not controlling just because he doesn't want or tries to stop his woman from doing this. Im sorry women, if you want to do whatever you want then stay single.

In a marriage, you can not just do whatever you want and neither can the man. This affects him as well, yes it is your body but in a marriage, you share everything. I bet you wouldn't let him cut off his penis or sleep with another woman. Hey, he can play that card too, its his body. I know most dont like it but in a marriage, both do have to answer to the other. Personally for me, I think it is amazing that she wants to do this for someone who can not have kids but I do agree, her husband has to be on board as well. It does affect him in so many ways as well and also there can be complications with the pregnancy. Its always a risk.

You come across as a very chauvinistic individual. All those things you list as being "normal" for a man to control - to not LET his WOMAN do things without PERMISSION - does that go the other way? Because your post sure makes it seem like the man must always have control. Does the man have to get permission to buy a car, or sell the house, or change the child's school, or can he make those decisions without getting his wife's "permission" because he's the "man"?

You say if a woman wants to do whatever she wants then she should stay single, but apparently a man can still do whatever he wants when he's married because it's "normal" for the "man" to not let his "woman" do things. I. just. don't. even . . .

And tacking on at the end that in a marriage decisions affect each other doesn't negate what you say previously. It comes across as saying that decisions affect the couple, but really the man can control a lot of decisions and make them on his own and the woman has to ask permission.

Lone_Wolf70: I think you need to look up IVF.....they are not creating a baby from thin air you moron! Its the same exact thing as conceiving "naturally" except for where it happens.

Reported

I'm glad you reported that; it gets me very annoyed when people stoop to that level just because they disagree with a view-point.

After reading these posts and thinking about it, I have to agree that surrogacy isn't natural or ideal. I can respect that other people's decision to do it though. I also have to agree that adopting is a better option, and far more noble. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to adopt a new-born baby; lots of hoops and sometimes expensive and heart-breaking (the mother can change her mind).

However, there are lots of older children in the foster system that are relatively easy to adopt, but perhaps it can be loosely compared to adopting a puppy; older children aren't as "cute" and may have behavioural problems (not that it's their fault!). I wish more people would consider giving those children a chance. Speaking from experience, my step-father was the greatest blessing in my life. I didn't start living with him until I was 14 and I was a complete nightmare from the experience of living with my father and his second wife, but he took me under his wing, treated me with love and respect and we had a wonderful relationship. Not totally the same, but a person CAN love a child that isn't biologically their own, and thank god that a few of us messed up kids get blessed with someone like that.

Why on earth did you report that? It's the truth! You're just implanting an egg into a uterus. It's completely natural except for the "host" of the fetus isn't the "real" mother.

And Adoption isn't always the greatest thing. I know of TWO people who have adopted kids who were not baies when they were taken in and they are so screwed up it was ridiculous! you don't know what you are getting with older kids. One of the people I know is at wits end with his eldest adopted kid. Military school and a school where the child would get constant counseling is too expensive (military school is twenty grand a year. The other is seventy five!) he is close to just giving the kid back because he can't handle it.

Are you ready to handle a child whose mom was a crack *kitten* and wHo was left alone since they were two and the only thing they understand is know to fend for themselves? Are you prepared to put up with the lying and stealing of said child because they were self sufficient for so long, because their brains missed the important cognizant development that a child that age goes through that they now have of concept of right or wrong? If you think I am spewing a load of **** then go talk to my neighbor who had to give up his niece because of that. Or the other two people I know wo are in similar situations.

There is a reason people want babies when they adopt. It's not the age that makes older kids undesireable it's the baggage and the uncertainty of what you are going to get.

Men, would you let your wife be a surrogate mother? Ladies, if you really wanted to be a surrogate mother for someone and your husband wouldn't let you, would you do it anyways? I am asking because I have a friend who is going through this and some of you usually gives great advice.

Um... my wife is her own person. She does what she wants, and so do I. That's how our relationship works, anyway. My understanding of any relationship is that it is not a contract or a condition of one possessing the other - and frankly, I'd be skeeved if my significant other were always asking me permission for things.

But then again, maybe the way I see things is contributing to that 'masculinity crisis' I've heard so much about...

I hope your wife knows, she is married to a fantastic man. Kudos!

Thanks - I remind her of that all the time... heh!

I don't understand why the couple wanting a child couldn't adopt. There are plenty of children and babies already born that need homes.

I understand your point- but sometimes couples really want a child that is their own- and with surrogacy- the child can be.

It is not the responsibility of those who are infertile to adopt the children. Any parent who ever chose to have a child should understand this. Infertility is medical condition that absolutely deserves treatment as much as any other condition and does make infertiles less deserving of their own children.

To the gentleman who thinks IVF and invitro are unnatural, I would invite him to consider that 100 years ago condoms were thought of as unnatural and 60 years ago the pill was not regularly taken and not even legal.

All of those are unnatural. There's really no way to argue that.

And this is true. Is a condom "natural"?

Maybe if you just get some rubber/latex from a rubber plant and throw it over your nob...lol! hahahaha oh dear MFP is really getting full of nonsense.

*just in case I did get the sarcasm!*

So . . . .oiled silk paper, sheep intestine, tortoise shell or animal horns aren't "natural"?

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like they need therapy.

This.

I don't ask my husbands permission to do anything. I cringe when I hear people talk about their relationships where one of them "lets" the other do something...

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like they need therapy.

This.

I don't ask my husbands permission to do anything. I cringe when I hear people talk about their relationships where one of them "lets" the other do something...

Carrying a child isn't exactly on par with people not letting their partners go out with friends or something.