Cheating on your Spouse

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  • _the_feniks_
    _the_feniks_ Posts: 3,443 Member
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    My wife's response was that she honestly felt that I wouldn't care. :noway:
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
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    People cheat because they are chicken *kitten*...My ex husband cheated when I was unable to work Keep in mind I had a job where I earned 100 grand a year and owned 2 houses and 2 new cars. He cheated and I am 100 times hotter than him. Those types of people just have no clue. Now I'm remarried with a new house and 2 new cars while he sports an apartment.
  • AmericanCowboy76
    AmericanCowboy76 Posts: 99 Member
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    Hey everyone.

    I have recently found out that one of my "brother-in-law's" wife has been cheating on him (for at least the last month for what we now know of). The family is fairly devastated, and this in my eyes is tragic. They both appeared to be so happy and "in love" on the outside - but I guess we never really know what happens behind the closed doors of a marriage.

    Now I get it - people cheat. They cheat because they are not getting any at home, they cheat for the "excitement" (perhaps followed by a rush of guilt!), they cheat because they no longer love their partner and just want to feel wanted by someone. These are some of the reasons for cheating.

    I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".

    So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?

    I have a few ideas, but I would love to hear other opinions as well as if you were the one who cheated *if you want*
    There is NEVER any excuse to cheat. Talk it out or leave. There can be no excuses. There is right and wrong & "I am not happy" doesn't serve to make it OK to do wrong.
  • CarolinaGirlinVA
    CarolinaGirlinVA Posts: 1,512 Member
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    .
  • martymays
    martymays Posts: 188 Member
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    There's no real "reason" people do it. Only excuses. I did it. I had it justified in my mind. I had some really good excuses. But that's all they were was excuses. There is no justification for it. It also ruined my marriage. But in the end, you can't run from your own conscience.
  • kathim429
    kathim429 Posts: 379 Member
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    I read the original post. I did not read all of the replies, skipped right to my reply.

    I ask the same question. I was very open with my husband, I said in the very beginning, Please...if there is anything that we owe each other is honesty. If you (or I) ever feel like we want out or something else, have the courtesy to leave first.

    Fast forward 15 years. I suspected for many years that something was going on with him. He would stay out, lie, make up whatever story and whenever I would confront him about it, he would tell me it was all in my head. I was crazy, I needed to go on anxiety medication, or antidepressants. So, I did, I thought I was crazy and imagining it.

    Turns out I wasn't, there were many, many affairs. My kids walked in on him in MY house with a woman when I was out of town for a wedding. He tried to talk his way out of it. I kept trying to make it work, I kept going for 2 more years until one day I said.

    YOU EITHER WANT TO BE A HUSBAND AND A FATHER, OR YOU WANT TO BE SINGLE.

    His answer? I will always be a father...and he walked out the door. Now this is the short version, we had many conversations when I knew he wanted out but he didn't go. Do you know what he waited for? A woman that could support him. That's right he found himself a Sugar Mama. Of course she got sick of his nonsense and kicked him to the curb.

    Now he is married to the wh%%re that my kids walked in on him with. And you know what? He cheated on her too. Some people are going to do it no matter what. Some people just lie. And I didn't say men...I said people. It works both ways.
  • socomary
    socomary Posts: 52
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    Look, if a spouse is considering cheating, it seems to me that the relationship between the two spouses has already deteriorated to the point where communication is difficult or non-existent. Telling someone that they are thinking of cheating is being brutally honest. Being honest is not something that occurs when communication is difficult. How, then, would one expect the would-be-cheater to approach the other spouse and let them know what's going on?

    And, for the record, communication is a two-way street, be it the would-be-cheater or the innocent spouse.
  • Betsybeee
    Betsybeee Posts: 113 Member
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    He turned off his cell phone when we were together. This meant he could not be reached by his 94 year old Father with whom he lives. He said it was because of telemarketers calling. He also became more distant from me in some ways. Our sex life was still really good so I don't think this had to do with sex. He turned off the internet connection to his smart phone. He was up late at night and in the middle of the night on his computer. He became way over the top in saying how much he loves me and misses me when we aren't together and can't wait until we get married. He started drinking heavily and taking his friends prescription pills. These are a few.
  • chelsifina
    chelsifina Posts: 346 Member
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    As a therapist I find that often times people who cheat are just as surprised to discover they have cheated as the spouse. They often describe feeling suddenly "alive again" or "a switch turned on" and it is as though they had become numb in the marriage or relationship, and became swept away in the good feelings of the moment with the other person so quickly and/or powerfully that it was easier to give in to that moment than to resist and then return home to do the hard work of repairing a marriage. It is true that some plan their cheating or feel entitled to it, but many simply find themselves there and wonder how they got there. Its much easier to see the red flags in hindsight. In a marriage, its important to make room for arguments and grievances, as well as joy and passion. Good communication is important, but staying aware of your own feelings has to come first in order for communication to be useful. I think that's where many people stumble. They don't even know how unhappy they are to begin with.
  • Kaimana94
    Kaimana94 Posts: 165 Member
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    My wife of 22 years left me. I later found out she also was also cheating on me. If you find the answer to this question I would like to know the answer. In 22 years I may of thought about cheating, but never acted on it.
  • lamoursuffit
    lamoursuffit Posts: 267 Member
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    I can understand freaking out about being with one person the rest of your life...but I also think that, if you weren't ready for that, you shouldn't have said yes or otherwise agreed to be in a long term thing. I have never cheated or even considered it, but there was once when I felt I had been kind of accidentally flirting with a friend on FB. I felt so terrible about it that I broke down crying and told him. He kind of chuckled and honestly didn't care. I showed him what I had been saying and I was worried that I was going to hurt him. It's not as if I had been messaging this guy privately, just through comments and stuff, and I hadn't even MEANT to flirt! But I felt so terribly I told him anyway. He thought it really said something about my character that I'd tell him about this when it wasn't even a big deal, even a little deal, and he said that if he hadn't trusted me before, which he did, he definitely did now.
  • supertracylynn
    supertracylynn Posts: 1,338 Member
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    The crappy part is when you are clear about your wants/needs, and it's ignored, the rejection hurts. It's a slap in the face, and it becomes obvious that the other person doesn't cherish or value you, let alone love you in the way you need.
  • Fit_Mama84
    Fit_Mama84 Posts: 234 Member
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    Selfishness. Pure selfishness.
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
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    Look, if a spouse is considering cheating, it seems to me that the relationship between the two spouses has already deteriorated to the point where communication is difficult or non-existent. Telling someone that they are thinking of cheating is being brutally honest. Being honest is not something that occurs when communication is difficult. How, then, would one expect the would-be-cheater to approach the other spouse and let them know what's going on?

    And, for the record, communication is a two-way street, be it the would-be-cheater or the innocent spouse.

    Touche.
  • Betsybeee
    Betsybeee Posts: 113 Member
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    I have been dating the same man for 5 years. We are engaged to be married. I recently listened to my intuition that something was wrong. He denied anything. I became my own private investigator. I have proof that he has been cheating on me. He has also been contacting and meeting women from Craigslist. We aren't even married yet! I don't understand. Our sex life is good. We go out together and have fun alot. It's obviously ruined our relationship.

    I can't answer your question. Perhaps I'll learn something from some of your replies. It really sucks.

    I am so sorry to hear this. It is just crazy how he could not have told you he thought there was issues/he was not happy. You would think you could trust a person enough to say something...especially a future husband.

    What lead to your intuition? Was there any signs now that you think back?

    He turned off his cell phone when we were together. This meant he could not be reached by his 94 year old Father with whom he lives. He said it was because of telemarketers calling. He also became more distant from me in some ways. Our sex life was still really good so I don't think this had to do with sex. He turned off the internet connection to his smart phone. He was up late at night and in the middle of the night on his computer. He became way over the top in saying how much he loves me and misses me when we aren't together and can't wait until we get married. He started drinking heavily and taking his friends prescription pills. These are a few
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
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    staying aware of your own feelings has to come first in order for communication to be useful. I think that's where many people stumble. They don't even know how unhappy they are to begin with.

    This, along with your entire post, makes a lot of sense.
  • blakejohn
    blakejohn Posts: 1,129 Member
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    there where so many levels as to why I cheated why I didn't tell her after it happen, we talked a lot before it happen why we where not happy with each other

    Why did I have sex with another women there was a thrill of a chase that someone still thought I was sexy some one the wasn't being a Bit** to me.
  • spozzybear
    spozzybear Posts: 216 Member
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    My husband and I were both unhappy about a year ago. We sat down and talked about everything and decided to go and see a counsellor. A year later, we are not only still together, but also extremely happy and about to start a family.
    It really is all about communication. If we hadn't communicated, who knows where we would be now?
  • lamoursuffit
    lamoursuffit Posts: 267 Member
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    All I know is that:
    It takes a real man/woman to cheat on their spouse.

    Uhm. Sarcasm? If not, I'd love an explanation lol
  • XtyAnn17
    XtyAnn17 Posts: 632 Member
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    Bump to read later
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