Is it okay her boyfriend pushed her in anger?

CALL IT WHAT IT IS>>>ABUSE!! 1) He has a really bad temper, 2) he uses physical strength to hurt, 2) he has power and control issues. NOOOOO never never never acceptable. Healthy conflict never involves physical pushing, pinching, threatening, name calling, anything like that. He has the right to leave, to put a boundary around himself, to break off the relationship, to say "leave me alone", NOT ABUSE. I would tell your friend to run as fast as she can the other way, get help from her local domestic violence center. If she is telling you about thes 'pushes' and they are the first, they will not be the last. And they probably are not the first. There are dv centers all over the world. Better to get out before it gets worse, they move in together, she gets pregnant, or they get married.

I really don't understand why people are calling him 'abusive' etc. To me a push does not inflict any form of pain or harm on another, it is simply to move them out the way/stop them coming at you.

All we, and the OP, knows is her side of the story. She admitted she 'came at him' to her friend, and he pushed her. To me that sounds justified - if I'm arguing with someone, the phrase 'came at me' instantly infers aggressively and with intention to hurt me - merely pushing someone backwards to ensure that they do not lay a hand on you, is not abusive. It's deflecting a situation without it escalating into a fist fight, or worse.
A hug? That just seems like a lame excuse to me.

As for the 'random' push on the head, I'm sorry, but I don't quite buy it. First of all she's 'coming at him' and then she's just sitting all innocent? I know angry situations, and I know (from my definition above) that if someone 'comes at someone', they certainly don't turn around and act all calm and rational later on, especially if the argument is still ongoing.

I feel like there's more to the story than meets the eye, and that those 'pushes' could have been in defensive/deflective of something worse.

Just because she is a woman, it does not mean that her acting aggressively and going at a guy is okay and he should do nothing. Women aren't always innocent in domestic abuse cases.

Now, I'm not condoning this, but from the facts given, this is my answer - be it a man 'pushing' a woman, or a woman 'pushing' a man.

If she was coming at him aggressively then he had the right to push her.

ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDING ME?!?!?

*smh* NO NO NO NO.. absolutly not in any way shape or form. This is NOT acceptable in any way..

So what is a man to do when a woman is coming at him aggressively?

Get the hell out of the kitchen...

I wouldn't exactly call pushing abuse but in any relationship if you can't work out your arguments verbally and it turns to physical its probably not a healthy relationship for either party to be in.

NO. These 2 should break up. Their relationship is toxic. 'Nuff said.

People in crap relationships who try to justify is a pet peeve of mine.

Just break up..

You should never put hands of anger on a loved one.
Man or woman.

And a woman who thinks its ok to act like a b*tch just because you can't hit a woman..
Well that's just as cowardly as a man who would hit a woman.

^^Bingo.

If she provoked him and threatened him physically, then he was well within his right.

However, it doesn't sound like she did. If she was just yelling at him, but not getting physical in the slightest, then he's just a Chris Brown in training, and she needs to GTFO.

women's violence is usually different than men's violence. Women can be abusive, but more often, the woman fights back because she is tired of his abuse, she is trying to protect her kids, she wants it to stop. In those cases, the man feels angry or annoyed, but not usually afraid. The woman is in fear when he physically assaults her. The motives are different too. With the guy, it is an issue of power and control, and comes from his own insecurities or entitlement issues. Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior--and a pattern is 2 or more incidents.

She was just going to hug him she said

I don't buy that. Who goes in for the hug in the middle of an argument?

Maybe not everyone goes in for a hug... but we do in my marriage. Pre-marriage counseling taught us that sometimes an argument that's getting heated can be stopped by simple hug. One person has to stop the anger, give a hug/kiss and say "lets calm down and talk about this, before it gets worse". It's not unrealistic to think it would have been for a hug. It does work MOST of the time. Other times, we walk away and try talking after 10-15 minutes.

If she was advancing to hit him the first time, yes push her away and then walk away before it gets worse. But not a shove for injury.

The second time he pushed her head or whatever was not okay either and didn't seem like there was a reason other than his anger.

If they can't learn to talk it out without violence it's not s good relationship for either person. She obviously presses his buttons and he obviously can't control himself.

Just my view based on the information provided.

Add me to the chorus of "in no way is that even remotely acceptable".

No one ever said she came at him agressively the first time. We have no way of knowing what she was doing. Assuming she was actually just trying to touch or hug him to calm him down, it was definitely uncalled for.

If I was in the situation though,honestly I might brush it of as a misunderstanding - it's hard to say for sure not actually having been there to witness or participate. Physcial violence has been a clear deal breaker between DH and I from nearly day one. However, things do happen. We had one argument years ago where he tried to get me to calm down and listen to him by cornering me and I flippped out and kicked him in the leg. It very nearly broke us up but once we calmed down and gave it some time, we realized it was just a major misunderstanding of each others intentions/reactions and decided to move on and just make sure that didn't happen again.

But the 2nd push to her head while she was sitting down - yeah that's a big red flag moment right there. If this is a new relationship, I would encourage her to break up with him before it gets too serious to back out of If they've been together for a while, she owes him a conversation IMO. She needs to let him know this kind of behavior is unacceptable and if he continues, their relationship will end. If she doesn't put her foot down now, chances are it's just going to get worse.

No way, no how, uh uh never!!!

ABSOLUTELY NOT! PROVOKED OR NOT! And I'm ashamed that another person justified it on this thread. Whether verbally or physically, It doesn't justify someone abusing someone else. My ex-husband did that to me once - at our son's little league ballpark. We were in an argument & he literally came off the baseball field in the middle of a game, backed me into a corner, shoved me & threw a drink on me. There were several witnesses and becuase this happened at a community park, the league directors had no choice but to call the police & file a report - even though I didn't want to. The police came & he was escorted out of the park & suspended from coaching for an entire season. I had SEVERAL people that came to me & offered to be a witness in my case if I pressed charges. I'm just very thankful neither one of my kids saw their dad do this.

And for the record, he had NEVER been physically abusive to me... we were at the height of going thru our divorce & tensions were running very high between us. But that still didn't justify his behavior for what he did.

And this goes either way - I've seen plenty of women shove their men as well!

I like what you have to say here, and i would consider your case abusive because he did it in public. That really shows how little self control he must have had and that seems as though that could escalate much further. But I also believe that pushing someone is completely different than hitting them.

It's abusive because it's abusive, regardless of whether it was in public or not.

It's hard enough for women in abusive situations to get out of the mindset of 'oh he was just mad, I pissed him off, he didn't mean it, it won't happen again' without putting clauses in there "well, it was in private and no one saw, so it wasn't that bad".

I either didnt explain myself well or you misunderstood. It seemed to me, from her story, that he was unprovoked. I'm not saying abuse is ok behind closed doors i was just making a point that he already lacked the self control. My ex from many years back was perfect prince charming to me in public but once we were alone he morphed to a ****head, so therefore, ofcourse i do not believe its ok behind closed doors. I never blamed myself i just always believed he was actually going to change, luckily it only took me like 2-3 months to leave him, but he kept on calling me for almost a year after that..

There are different forms of abuse, and I really believe that physical abuse should be considered such if it is unprovoked, or, for example, if the guy is pissed because you wont touch his ****.

In the heat of the moment, in an argument, a push is not such a big deal. In the heat of the moment, in the arguement, a closed fist knock out punch, well run while you can.

i hope i made my opinions a little more clear.

Thanks for the clarification. I'm very glad you got out of your situation and are in a better place now.

,.

If she was coming at him aggressively then he had the right to push her.

ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDING ME?!?!?

*smh* NO NO NO NO.. absolutly not in any way shape or form. This is NOT acceptable in any way..

So what is a man to do when a woman is coming at him aggressively?

Well, when a girl in my school tried to stab me with scissors, I hit her with a 3ft plastic craft bin. Thats the only physical confrontation I've had with a woman, though.

Not acceptable. You should have walked away and let her stab you in the back. Poor girl..

Fri 11/09/12 08:39 AMQUOTE:

Sore subject for me... I was in an abusive relationship for several years, so my obvious answer will be NO its not ok.



I, too, was in one when i was much younger and i got to say, the times i would get hit were unprovoked or bec he wasn't getting what he wanted in bed. THAT IS ABUSE. having an argument and pushing your gf so she gets out of your face, is not.

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I went through the same situation as you, if he didnt get his way then it was a sure beating... If i looked to my right or left then I was accused of looking at another man and it was a sure beating. It took me partialy losing my hearing in my left ear to finally get my *kitten* out of there and the support of friends and family. Like I said it's just a sore subject for me.