Being called a "fat *kitten*" by my husband....
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I am glad, OP, that, from what you have posted later in this thread, your dh did apologise and you did stand up to him.
I used to lose weight to please my dh. One time he grabbed handfuls of me and insulted me for being so fat (bit of context: I was still at a healthy BMI!) so I lost in the hope he'd be nicer to me if I did. When it became clear that having lost the weight didn't make him nicer to me, I comfort ate and regained it all. This time round, reading Fat is a Feminist Issue (out of date, but full of wisdom) helped my mindset before I even started, and I lost for me and haven't regained as before.
Your husband sounds like my dad: if he succeeds in losing weight, he thinks he's some kind of fitness guru! It sounds like you're on top of it though.
I hope, next time, the kids can come out too. Family walks are great!0 -
Ugh, I agree with everyone else who said this is abuse. I've been in relationships with men like that and it only stopped when I left them. Take that for what you will.0
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I completely respect marriage vows as well, but like has been said numerous times before, abuse is not acceptable. I don't care who you or your husband may be. It's not acceptable, and you don't deserve a single second of it.
You said '....'till death do us part', correct? Would staying in such a destructive and negative relationship not be considered death for the both of you? I personally consider unhealthy relationships to be dead, long before any member(s) of the relationship may pass away. I believe that the definitions of living and dying include a lot more than physical states, and I believe that a person can die, with their heart still beating.
I just encourage you to do what you feel is right for you, and for you to always be thinking of your safety (both physically/sexually, and mentally). It is ultimately your life and therefore your choice but I do hope that you are able to find a more positive and encouraging life, wherever that may be.
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ive never been married, but here my input. i have been in an abusive relationship before.
when you have kids they are always watching and listening. if your kids see you husband treating you like that, they will think that it is an ok way to treat someone else or for someone else to treat them. do you want that for your kids ?
if you dont leave him for you, please leave him for your children.
Exactly. It is impossible to honor marriage vows with someone who is abusive. Your children are more important than your vows if you are in an abusive situation. I don't know whether you are in an abusive relationship or he just had a bad day, but it sounds like some counseling could help,0 -
I believe in marriage vows too. But, I also know that you do NOT deserve to be verbally abused by anyone. You don't.
Have you tried therapy (both for yourself and as a couple)?
This exactly.0 -
I would find his faults and point them out in the same mean manner in which he treats you....give him a taste of his own medicine. Works for me.0
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This whole thread made me rather sad. Especially the people defending emotional abuse.0
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I believe in marriage vows too. But, I also know that you do NOT deserve to be verbally abused by anyone. You don't.
Have you tried therapy (both for yourself and as a couple)?
Seriously lady..what you want next pphysical abuse???0 -
Speak up! Tell him you do not feel loved when he treats you with verbal abuse and such disrespect. Tell him what you feel!!!!!!! Do not suffer in silence!!!! Marriage vows are good when there is love on both sides...this husband is not demonstrating love.0
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Speak up! Tell him you do not feel loved when he treats you with verbal abuse and such disrespect. Tell him what you feel!!!!!!! Do not suffer in silence!!!! Marriage vows are good when there is love on both sides...this husband is not demonstrating love.0
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If you're 100% committed to staying with him, no matter what, then you need to get used to hearing that...and probably worse...if that's how he is, it is very very unlikely he will ever ever change...so you better be ok with it.0
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Yes, your right!! but you are going to do what you are going to do!! but I would smack his mouth, and kick him to the curb!!
No man talks that way to me!!0 -
Im kinda confused by this post. My husband is an *kitten* ( though amazing according to your profile) but dont tell me to leave him? Reminds me of how my little sister complains that shes cold but never puts a coat on. Also a women that leaves an abusive husband doesnt do so because she doesnt "believe" in marriage vows or take them seriously. Its called self respect, and by the way he talks its obvious that he knows you have none.
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just take those hurtful words and turn them in to motivation. PROVE HIM WRONG! XD then he will just be the stupid one.
Um, no. Leave him. I can't believe some of the women on here think this is okay...
I don't know about leaving him, but I do agree this is not OKAY. What he is doing is between you, him, and perhaps a therapist. But don't lose weight to prove anything to anyone...this has to be for YOU and you alone! I've made the mistake of trying to lose weight "for them, for her, for that, for this..." The reality is if _you_ don't truly want it, it's not going to happen. This is why so many of us start over again and again. Some may argue they do want it but "this is stopping me" or "I can't because...". But the truth is (excluding extreme reasons) we just don't want it bad enough.
If your kids were in danger across the street, would you not try and save them because of "this" or "that"? No, you'd try *no matter what*. Not for someone else, but because YOU want to protect them. Same holds here. To hell with him and his words...do it for yourself.0 -
Im kinda confused by this post. My husband is an *kitten* ( though amazing according to your profile) but dont tell me to leave him? Reminds me of how my little sister complains that shes cold but never puts a coat on. Also a women that leaves an abusive husband doesnt do so because she doesnt "believe" in marriage vows or take them seriously. Its called self respect, and by the way he talks its obvious that he knows you have none.
Side comment: This is a great picture...so accurate so many times...0 -
A friend of mine shared this on FB as part of a new outlook on life for 2013...
DO NOT take anything PERSONALLY. Whatever negative energy or thoughts someone is trying to send your way "ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!" KNOW your own self-worth!
In other words don't allow his negative energy to become yours. Know your own power, dude. Time to do you...Be yourself... Love yourself.0 -
Coming from someone who has had both physical and emotional abuse, emotional is WAY harder to get over. He's not respecting you, nor your wedding values. If I was you, I'd kick him out. However, I do understand being serious in a relationship. I suggest getting council-ling, but being the child of a father like that... it's far more hurtful to stay.
I trust you'll do what's best for you.0 -
Oh girl!
I would NOT put up with that!
A husband is supposed to love you and care for you, encourage and support you!
That is NOT SUPPORTIVE,ENCOURAGING,CARING OR LOVING!
Not even that,if you let him get away with that, it'll get worse.
If a man EVER though he was going to say things like that to me, "I'd be headed to the big D and i don't mean Dallas!"0 -
Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything and just makes me feel worse about what little progress I've made. It also doesn't really help my depression. I know everyone's going to say to just leave him, but I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
You don't believe in divorce. But what you do believe in is death - slow, painful, excruciating emotional death. Continued, this will happen. It is already happening - that can be seen by the fact that you are handing him your marriage vows to use as weapon to hurt you.
I'm so sorry that you have to live like this. One day you'll realize you don't.
We're all here for you in the meantime.
^^ I agree! Hopefully with time and the goals you reach you will realize your worth and that it's more than being bullied and belittled by another human being. You have children, one day they're going to be awake when he chooses to use these words with you. Would you look at them in the same situation and tell them they need to stay because those vows were taken? If not then why expect the same for yourself? Would you have chosen to marry this version of your husband? He took vows as well, and he's certainly not honoring them by treating you this way.0 -
Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything and just makes me feel worse about what little progress I've made. It also doesn't really help my depression. I know everyone's going to say to just leave him, but I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
You don't believe in divorce. But what you do believe in is death - slow, painful, excruciating emotional death. Continued, this will happen. It is already happening - that can be seen by the fact that you are handing him your marriage vows to use as weapon to hurt you.
I'm so sorry that you have to live like this. One day you'll realize you don't.
We're all here for you in the meantime.
^^ I agree! Hopefully with time and the goals you reach you will realize your worth and that it's more than being bullied and belittled by another human being. You have children, one day they're going to be awake when he chooses to use these words with you. Would you look at them in the same situation and tell them they need to stay because those vows were taken? If not then why expect the same for yourself? Would you have chosen to marry this version of your husband? He took vows as well, and he's certainly not honoring them by treating you this way.
So much this. I grew up with a situation like this. My dad emotionally abused my mum AND us kids. How do you think this impacted me as a kid? Growing up with that kind of a relationship modelled? My mum didn't want to get a divorce either, but I'm convinced that I would have ended up a more stable and happy person had I not been exposed to that all through my childhood.0 -
doesn't really help. I've been dieting and doing light exercise. Just because I wanted to put our kids down for a nap after lunch and let my food digest before going for a 4 mile long walk doesn't make me lazy. I never said we weren't going to go, just that I wanted to wait a few hours. However, being called a lazy fat *kitten* by him doesn't really make me feel all that motivated to work out. Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything and just makes me feel worse about what little progress I've made. It also doesn't really help my depression. I know everyone's going to say to just leave him, but I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
These are comments that he would never make to a complete stranger so certainly shouldn't be directed to his life partner. Sorry --he owes you an apology at the very minimum :frown:0 -
Being dedicated to one's vows is one thing. Allowing oneself to be the victim of emotional abuse is a completely different matter.
I firmly believe that we teach people how to treat us. By using the excuse of "wedding vows" to allow him to speak to you that way, you are teaching him that it's OK to do so.
Personally, I view my relationship as a partnership where we build each other up and support each other (sometimes this means supporting each other in sitting on the couch all day to watch TV, but we've always got each other's backs!). Sounds like you're not a "team" - he sounds like a bully.
Also, you take your wedding vows seriously, and that's great. But unless you had the weirdest ceremony ever, I'm fairly confident that his wedding vows weren't "to love, honour and cherish... unless you become a fatty. Then I can say whatever douchery pops into my head." If they were, then cool, he takes the vows seriously too. If not, then you need to have a major sitdown.0 -
I believe in my vows, but obviously your husband doesn't believe in the ones you took. "love and to cherish" Get you and your kids out and away from him. Its abuse of the worst kind. And if he's ever said anything in front of your kids, they're gonna think that's normal. if you have a son, he'll say the same thing to his wife, or if you have a daughter, she'll look for a guy like that.0
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You do recognize your husbands behavior as abuse? Your children will grow up with those memories. What happens if you address this abuse with your husband. Is there a woman's support organization in your community?0
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I'm not sure what others have said, as I didn't read through all the hundreds of comments. It's frustrating to me. I completely understand you saying that you believe in your wedding vows......but he needs to understand what those vows mean. He's not taking his seriously. It's heartbreaking to hear this. So a heart-to-heart sounds like what you two need right now.
And you can do it! Take your four mile walk when you feel ready....with or without him by your side.0 -
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Just because your married doesn't mean you have to live with him.
Move out. This is abuse. And Im 100% sure he wasn't such an *kitten* when you got married.0 -
It always upsets me when I hear about situations such as this. If your husband is emotionally abusing you, you need to make the choice to stay, leave, or approach him about the way he talks to you. All too often, I have to have this same discussion with the women I advocate for and it's so disheartening because the emotional abuse they have received makes them believe that if they leave they are giving up (like they always do or are accused of doing by friends and family) and they have this idea that they have to stay because they BELIEVE in the relationship. No one should be allowed to talk to you that way and you have to be strong enough to realize it and strong enough to be on your own. Too many women stay in abusive relationships because of the belief that no one else will love them and the fear of being single. It's OK to be on your own, and no relationship that cases harm is worth it so that society doesn't judge you for being a single woman.0
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To those of you saying that it doesn't take hours for food to digest, I know that. If you read my original post, I wanted my two children to nap first so they wouldn't be cranky and ruin our walk. I did take a short nap because I was so upset by what he said. However, I woke up, but on my workout clothes, and went by myself. He asked if I was taking the kids, and I just walked out the door. I walked a mile alone. It felt good. When I got home, he did apologize. He said he's just so used to me making excuses and not following through, that it pissed him off. I did explain to him that I will not tolerate him name calling anymore and that if it continues he just may end up losing the best thing he ever had. I don't want to ever end my marriage, but I can't keep living like this either. He seemed sincere when he apologized, but I'm still hurt and angry. He only talks to me like this about my weight. He has lost 40 lbs over the last two years and now thinks everyone should do it the way he did. I am seeking treatment for bipolar disorder and depression already. I do go to individual therapy already.
Missed this one. This: "... but I can't keep living like this either" makes me think that this isn't the first, second or even tenth time he's said things like this. Which means you're probably deep in the cycle of abuse, and unless *you* make a change, this is, and will continue to be, your life.
It doesn't matter if he only says things like this regarding your weight. That's like saying, "oh, he only strikes me when he's drunk... but when he's sober he's really lovely!" Your weight is clearly something you're working on (even if it's slowly, even if it's not his way), so I imagine this isn't a rare occurence.
Your BPD and depression are no excuse for him to get angry and lash out like that. Yes, it's a struggle to live with someone with mental health issues. You know what else is hard? *Being* someone with mental health issues. You need someone steady and supportive in order to develop a sense of stability and security that is imperative when it comes to getting treatment. You're on a hard road with your disorders, and I empathise there. But you're choosing to go down a hard road in an even harder way.
Abuse is never OK. And for those saying "use it as motivation to get fit!", I'm sorry, but seriously? What horrendous advice. Instead of using it as motivation for fitness, use it as motivation to get yourself into a healthy situation, whatever that may be.0
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