Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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I believe that you already know you should leave this guy and are seeking validation from others. If that is what you want, then fine. Here it is.... get out now. This guy has issues. If you stay with him you will be unhappy the rest of your life.0
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... "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
Are you freaking kidding me?!? WTF would you WANT to be with this monster? :noway:0 -
Dumb his stupid azz!0
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I KNOW, right! There is nothing worse than empowered women empowering other women! :huh:And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
If a guy is not physically attracted to the woman he's in a committed relationship with, why is he with her in the first place if that is such a big deal to him? He's being misleading. What he thinks of her is none of her business and he has no business sharing his opinion of how he feels about her looks. It's not like she gained the weight during their relationship. He shouldn't be with her if he feels her body is a deal breaker. Period. Guys who want to be in committed relationships don't "settle" (which is what I imagine he believes he's doing. He's not doing her any favors by breaking her spirit and self confidence.0 -
"one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you".
That's all I would need to hear from someone I loved and I think after that statement I wouldn’t love them anymore. How could someone ever make love to that person again after that?0 -
I can't believe I got sucked into this, this....(lost for words) It's like a train wreck you can't look away from! Look away quick before it is to late! Oh well I needed a reminder as to why I don't like to answer on these kinds of threads! Moving on!0
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Okay. True love is UNCONDITIONAL.
One loves unconditionally all of you as Christ does.
He he or she doesn't then the love isn't there.
Personally, I wouldnve dumped him after the second comment the first to give him time to explain and apologize the second to say ok...I tell you what Im not going to be with someone that can't love all of me.
I would leave and pray to have someone come into my life that loves all of me.
Staying in a relationship like this can lower your self-esteem and make you feel worthless now and later when another does come in your life.
Thanks for sharing your story and best of luck to you.0 -
I rarely comment on these types of things since so many other people can more eloquently say what I want to. I wanted to comment on this one though because I've seen the ugly end results of guys like this in my own family. My sister married a guy who was never happy with her weight and she spent YEARS trying to meet his standards. After all that time he ended up leaving her for a woman who was "his ideal weight". She is now bitter and resentful and has zero self esteem and not the sparkling, vivacious woman she once was.
I've been married for 21 years to a man who has seen me thin, fat and everywhere in between. He's seen me at my best and my worst but has never, ever said anything other than he thinks I'm beautiful. Has he ever thought it might be nice if I lost weight? Maybe, probably but he's never said so to me or anyone else that I know of.
Over time your body will change, as I'm sure you're aware. What i look like now will be different in several years (hopefully for the better!) so it's important that he love me for me, no matter what I look like. You say you are losing the weight for you and are comfortable that you can withstand the comments but even the biggest rock can be eroded over time. If you're already gaining weight because of the stress of the situation think how you will be effected long term, physically and mentally. You say you love yourself as you are, find someone else who does too. Unconditional love doesn't ask you to change to make them happy.
This. Seriously.0 -
I'm going to have the sunniest outlook possible on this: We could see him as honest...brutally honest, but honest....about how he feels. Even in that light, this is a recipe for disaster. We should all take care of ourselves and our bodies for ourselves, but also to remain attractive to our SO. But no one should have to obsess about body image to keep a mate. If he doesn't like your body now, he won't in 20 years, either. Even skinny gals start to sag and wrinkle. Then what? If he is trying to change you just a few months into the relationship, this is not going to be happy for you.
You don't have to beat him up over it, but I'd say that you should tell him you are both looking for something else in a relationship, something you don't find in each other. Call it a day.
Sorry, and best of luck!0 -
:sad: :brokenheart: :explode: :noway: :grumble: = how I felt when I read this!!!!!!!!!!!This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.
On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.
Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.
I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?
Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.
Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!
wow lady... I am dating a man now too fairly new relationship .. not as knew as yours but we met November 1st and became exclusive.. bf/gf a month into it.. and ive lost a few lbs since I met him (was down like 32 when imet him and 40 now)
and he loooooooooooves my body.. my curves.. in fact last nt.. he hugged me and said "you know your butt has shrunk since we met... I dont want you getting much smaller if at all" lol (with a smile) super cute.. and i still have 30 pounds to go on my ticker! lol.. but it made me feel like a princess and so so so good...
if you two are intimate.. and all that this is DEF gonna play a role.. and honestly.. it boils down to his OWN insecurity..
hes a tall bean pole w/no muscle. and apparently he dated beyond stick chicks before to feel better about himself... so now he has an independant woman w/curves and is beautiful and he cant hang! (sorry im getting ticked) cuz it makes me sad...
it seems great now.. but come on.. this is a HUGE issue.... and no matter how much 'wt' you loose u wont be a stick bean pole... and btw im 5'4" and am 194#'s.. SW was 234! and ive lost a TON of inches and workout and do look less then what i weigh.. but still im not a twig by any means.. and my man loves me.. doesnt want me smaller.. or stick figure ish.. i said to him one day.. I wish i could just wake up one day and be tall and thin.. like a stick.. just to see what it would FEEL like.. (to be so diff for a day) and he goes "why?? that would be boring" LOL0 -
Lose the weight for you, and then get out of that relationship. Or dump him first then lose the weight. How awful it must feel to be told those things! Get rid of him because it won't be any better. Of course it will be hard because you love him, but you don't deserve to be told you're not attractive.0
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First of all congrats on your journey and for you LOVING yourself! But let me say this....He is emotionally abusing you, whether its intentional or not,he is! He's not good for you because with LOVE there is no exception...he wants you to change who you are and the skin your in. Well the 2 go together and if your at a point where you say you love yourself then do just that and love yourself...Love yourself enough to know that you are a great person and there are other great guys out there that will except you for YOU!0
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Truthfully.. the way I see it. If you love somebody, truly you are attracted to them. Because you love them. You love their hearts, bodies, and minds.Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.
But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?
I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.
Being totally honest my fiance is not in shape, I'm very fit.
I'm excited whenever he talks about working out, because I want him to be healthy. But on an looks level, I think he's a gorgeous man.
If you can't love somebody for who they are, don't date them.
i SO AGREE WITH THE LAST PART OF THIS!0 -
my first thought "f*** him!"
I dated a guy that use to say "No fat chicks!" and made fun of the women we would see when we went out that were bigger and place bets with his friends. Whoever took the fattest chick in the bar home and banged her would 'win' - money. They'd all pitch in between $50 and $100 bucks each - that's up to a $1,000 bucks. It was terrible! He would say "You'll never be like that, right?"
Anyway, point is, I looked at your profile and you've lost 55lbs... wthell is his problem? You look good! You're not disgusting or unattractive by any means!!!
What is he going to do if one day you get pregnant and get bigger? UGH men like this piss me off! I had this convo with my current bf and said "Hun, I get pregnant I'm gonna get fat, you know that right?" He said "Hun, you're healthy and fit now, I know you won't stop working out anyway, so you'll be fine. I'm not worried, I'll love you either way."
That's the kind of answer you SHOULD get! He knows you're trying, you're working your *kitten* off (literally) while he smokes and huffs and puffs... he should find it hot that you can out run him... dumb *kitten*.
If this was my bf, I would have punched him in the face for being a rude p-o-s... his mother should have taught him some manners and respect!0 -
It doesn't make him a bad guy, but he may not be the right guy for you. My tall husband wasn't as blunt as your guy, he only gave subtle hints of his displeasure, but he isn't attracted to curvy women, either. While I was heavy, he still loved me, and I don't think he considered leaving me, but his passion left. In our case, I didn't like my curves, either. I lost the weight to please both of us. Before we married, I was slim, and it was no secret that heavy women didn't appeal to him. Everyone is different. My ex wanted me to gain weight. I had no desire to grant that wish. I suspected he just wanted me to be less attractive.
Everyone is different. That's not bad, it's just a fact. Find someone who wants what you want, and your life will be easier. Good luck and God bless you.0 -
YOU, my dear, are beautiful. He is NOT your only option. YOU are not stuck with him. I would probably let him know I had a LOT to think about and that I was considering leaving due to his comments about my weight and see how he felt about it. Apparently he thinks you are gonna stay and listen to his abusive garbage forever. This could be potentially harmful to anyone's self-esteem. Being beat down weekly about your weight....which you are clearly addressing,...could lead to a LOT of issues later on. I'm sure if you left because of this he would feel like the biggest idiot. Honestly, he probably should.
It hurts to know that the person you think is close to perfect thinks you have a major flaw....I've been there but can you deal with a comment like this every week for the rest of your life? 52 weeks in a year..that is a LOT of insults and a LOT of hurting.
It's up to you but know that you are worth more than hearing that you are less than perfect. Good luck!0 -
It doesn't make him a bad guy, but he may not be the right guy for you. My tall husband isn't attracted to curvy women, either. While I was heavy, he still loved me, and I don't think he considered leaving me, but his passion left. In our case, I didn't like my curves, either. I lost the weight to please both of us. Before we married, I was slim, and it was no secret that heavy women didn't appeal to him. Everyone is different. My ex wanted me to gain weight. I had no desire to grant that wish. I suspected he just wanted me to be less attractive.
Everyone is different. That's not bad, it's just a fact. Find someone who wants what you want, and your life will be easier. Good luck and God bless you.
great advice!0 -
This is my final post on this. Promise. Going to play some Age of Empires. But what I am getting from you women, is that I should just forego the bigger women, and ignore them so that I do not hurt their feelings down the road when I cannot get it up anymore. If I find myself in this situation, I must keep the peace by never saying a word, and constantly going back and forth in my mind between finding sexual attraction and losing great intimacy, because any word that points in the direction of 'you need to lose weight' will be totally and completely demoralizing and destructive.
In my eyes, she is not fat. He is hecka tall, but I think she is okay. About 40 lbs under me. But she should talk with him and strike a balance. If they can do that, the relationship will survive. If not, then it wont. Some women know how to use those comments as motivation, and WANT to improve themselves for the one they love. Penis size is nothing we can change. That is genetic. But we can make ourselves more appealing to the other person. It is much more than cosmetic. It shows devotion and desire.
We are all here for the same generic reason of losing weight. We want to lose the weight just as much as the people next to us want to lose it as well. I wish all of you a great journey on your way to being in the best shape of your life!0 -
Okay. I am going to go with the "he's just not that into you." Why? because in reality it sounds like to me he is already preparing you for no future in this relationship with his comments. Its hard to touch you, your weight, etc. Its all signs that he is telling you that your not the one for him for a long term and comitted relationship such as marriage.
I may get attacked for this but some men are content with being in a relationship they know they see no future with while waiting for something else. I had this experience with someone I adored and was quite head over heels for. He would tell me "its complicated" " we would work if you weren't so fiesty" or if I text him less, called him less, wanted sex less. The list goes on. Well guess what? He was in a relationship with someone else. He never intended on being with me. He just used me for what he wanted. I had an older and much wiser male coworker who said men are like crack addicts. They will do anything to protect their supply. That means saying they love you, etc. to keep whatever it is they want without any sort of real commitment.
I weigh 169 lbs right now which is 18 lbs or so more then when I met my now fiance. He loves me for who I am, tells me I am beautiful and could care a less if I lose weight or not. He supports me wanting to lose weight if it makes me happier. Actually, he gets down right upset when I cut myself down.
If he had a hard time with your weight, curves, etc. prior to becoming exclusive he never should have let things get to that point. In my opinion, again just an opinion, he is telling you these things so you get the hint that this is not going to be a long term relationship. There is no potential. In the meantime, he will stay with you as long as you allow until someone "better" ( in his eyes by his body preference) comes along.
After I got a divorce I had to learn what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship. I had to learn when someone was telling me what I wanted to hear. These are some key things I learned:
1. If he doesn't text or call you back and you always have to initiate contact something is wrong
2. If he says "you would be perfect for me if ____" (insert if you lost weight, dressed different, made more money, etc.) then there is no future. You don't go into a relationship to change someone.
3. If he doesn't plan future events (vacations, etc) and when you try he says "lets see how things are when that time comes" its because he doesn't see a future with you
4. If you get him on the phone and you get one word answers and he wont say your name, he is probably with someone else
5. If you don't meet his friends after months of dating or they don't know who you are its because he isn't that into you.
I looked at your pics and excuse me for saying so but you are very attractive and have a very nice figure. He is crazy.0 -
This sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship. Do not walk RUN away form this relationship. If he can't love you for you now he never will AND he will hurt the way you see yourself.
Speaking form personal experience.0
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