Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • MissJanet55
    MissJanet55 Posts: 457 Member
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    Sexual attraction is a complicated thing, and is different for men and women. Interesting to see the breakdown of comments by gender here.

    This has been a factor in all my involvements. When I weighed 106 lbs my husband criticized my weight, and when I was much heavier men I dated criticized my weight. I'm not sure what it is that makes men of any size feel that they can criticize the way women look (and I know I generalize here, not all men are like this), but this can be a challenge, and might not change if you got thinner. It sounds like you aren't particularly heavy, so it may be more complicated on some level. He may not even really know exactly what it is that bothers him. I hope you can sort it out.
  • divincenzo1
    divincenzo1 Posts: 25
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    Honestly this post made me really sad. He is not being supportive or loving or kind. He is tearing you apart. For him to say he doesn't like your body and wants you to get back to your college weight seems unsupportive and mean to me. If my boyfriend said those things I would gain a ton of weight because I'd be sad, stressed and feel defeated. As much as everything else in your relationship may seem fine him saying these things is not fine. Being in a relationship is not about turning the person you're with into what you want them to be....it's about loving them for who they are...including any imperfections they may have. I mean everyone has preferences and fantasies and what not...hey I'd love to be dating Channing Tatum but I'm with my boyfriend who I love...I never even consider his weight an issue and if he were to gain more I might have health concerns but not shallow concerns. I hope you take a step back and realize you deserve someone who will love you for you...for the you you are right now, not who you could be in a few months or weeks of weight loss. Your weight should have zero to do with your relationship and I think if you stayed in this relationship you could be setting yourself up for disaster and heartache. :flowerforyou:
  • mochalishious
    mochalishious Posts: 97 Member
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    That's a tough one. First of all if he LOVED you for you than your weight would not be a issue. This is how he met you. Secondly he is loving you with conditions & that can't work. What if you started harping on him how would he receive it! I'm glad to hear you are losing weight for you!!! You may have to do some evaluating on your relationship. Just because something taste good doesn't mean it's good for you. I wish you the best of luck
  • troys1981
    troys1981 Posts: 16 Member
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    Seriously...you deserve better than that. Love should not be conditional...and he should love you as you are, period. I think this is definately a sign of abuse although mental , it is in my opinion worse than physical ( unfortunately I've experienced both when I was younger and thought that I was "in love"). Hold your head up high and know and understand your worth. If he can't love you as is, he doesn't deserve you. By the way you are gorgeous!!!
  • fionarama
    fionarama Posts: 788 Member
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    You need to just be friends with him. He'll end up cheating on you especailly if you get pregnant or leaving you. You are gorgeous but he can't help how he feels. Tons of guys would want you so get one that wants you in every way.

    This is exceedingly sensible advice. You absolutely should not sleep with someone who is not attracted to you, let alone consider marriage. Like it or not, sexual chemistry is a big part of what keeps couples together through the ups and downs.

    My husband can be known to pressure me in the same way (well except he never denies being attracted to me). Many men are conservative creatures, I think what they struggle with is falling in love with someone outside the stereotypical norm. It might be a simple and very immature situation where he is worrying about what his friends or "other people" think of his chosen partner. Maybe he imagined more of a trophy wife (not that you aren't!!!!) and is struggling with realising he fell in love with a real woman instead. So he is trying to get you to mould to his fantasy more, even though you never will live up to that. Men get barraged with so many images and sadly they really believe those photo shopped girls are real and that their girl may look like that one day.
  • dnscal123
    dnscal123 Posts: 46 Member
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    dump him, if he can't except you for who you are then you don't need him.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.

    On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...

    I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.

    Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.

    I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?

    Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.

    Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!

    I think you should be with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful woman on earth.
    he should make you feel sexy, attractive and wanted. there is nothing wrong with suggesting for you to lose weight, and saying that he prefers for you to be at a certain weight (i mean this is being honest) but for him to PRESSURE you and to put CONDITIONS on you like that???

    I would have said good bye a long long time ago.

    You keep saying that everything else is perfect - put are you willing to over look this BIG thing and pretend your relationship is perfect for the rest of your life? what happens if you guys to end up together and have kids? he will leave you when you are pregnant and gain weight???? :noway:

    sorry I wouldn't put up with this. its one thing to motivate you to be healthy, another thing to criticize you and put u down.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    Sexual attraction IS part of the deal --- so the question really for me is - why did he chose the OP? She didn't tie him down (or maybe she did... ) and FORCE him into a relationship with her. Why did he start - and then tell her she's not physically acceptable?

    Exactly. Of course sexual attraction is key, but why would any man get romantically involved with a woman in the first place if there was no sexual attraction? Do not pretend like that is a common thing because it usually exactly the opposite ... you think someone is hot, you date them, you find out their personality sucks, and then you leave.

    any chance he is gay and using your weight as an excuse to avoid intimacy and long term committment?

    ETA: i'm not trying to be mean its a serious question. has weight always been an issue, even when u met? has he ever been attracted to you?
  • x_cinder_x
    x_cinder_x Posts: 118 Member
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    Is there a possibility that your guy is gay? The self denial type, perhaps? I do not mean it as an insult in any way, just a neutral statement/question.

    I know you are probably going to laugh it off, but I have seriously had friends who have gone through this and your post reminded me of their situations. The whole "he does not think I am pretty enough" thing. And while I was there to tell them its the *kitten*'s issue not theirs it did not hit home until their guy ran off with the dude next door- so to speak.

    No matter what, settling for someone who does not think you are good enough will only bring heartache.
  • Mbillingslea
    Mbillingslea Posts: 7 Member
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    I am very sorry you are going through this. It isn't right. My hubby of 10 years loves me when I am at my fittest and when I am at my fattest and never has a problem touching me or wanting my body. As women our bodies change constantly and what is going to happen when you get pregnant and it changes EVERYTHING about your mind, body, and soul.....????? I put on 60lbs with my first child and I don't think I will ever be able to look the way I did before kids!
    I truly feel that if he REALLY LOVES you your size and weight wouldn't matter. That is a form of emotional abuse and there are plenty of other men out their that LOVE curvy figures. Love yourself and move on.
  • TheRealAutumnShiranui
    TheRealAutumnShiranui Posts: 32 Member
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    Here is my advice on losing over 100 pounds really quick...............Ditch the guy.
    Totally would not be with a "man" who claimed to love me, but couldn't accept my weight.
    If you lose weight, it needs to be for YOU, not because someone doesn't find you physically attractive. Totally dump him.
    And good for you for trying to better yourself :)
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
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    If you do finally decide to leave him make sure you say that besides his issue of not being attracted to you that you are also leaving because his baby making tools were too small for you to get any satisfaction so you found someone built with the right tools for the job. That'll fix him! :drinker:
  • MENichols5
    MENichols5 Posts: 176 Member
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    Absolutely unacceptable. Leave him, you deserve better!! In no universe should your significant other ever make those kinds of comments to you...he does not truly love you if he "can't touch you because of your body". Find someone who loves you and can't get enough of your body, you deserve that!
  • 4jamaica
    4jamaica Posts: 69 Member
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    If you think the current relationship you have is good, imagine how great a relationship would be where you feel sexy and desireable to your partner. It is absolutely indescribably awesome to have someone really *want* you. Relationships are not just about satisfying emotional wants, but there are also physical wants. You shouldn't settle (and neither should he).
  • eris1981
    eris1981 Posts: 58 Member
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    What an *kitten*! If he constantly puts you down like that, I wouldn't give two ****s what he's like the rest of the time. Find someone who loves you for YOU!!

    I was well over 400 pounds when I met my husband, and when I decided I wanted to lose weight and become healthier, he told me he didn't really care how big or small I was as long as my motivation was to be healthier and not solely for my physical appearance . . . if I weren't motivated by health reasons, he didn't care if I stayed over 400 pounds forever.
  • mandipandi75
    mandipandi75 Posts: 6,036 Member
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    If I = you, Then His rear + my foot = Curb
  • Drop_it_Like_Its_Hawt
    Drop_it_Like_Its_Hawt Posts: 226 Member
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    This issue isn't due to your weight - seriously, only 15 lbs. left to lose? This is due to his wanting to control you, without having to commit. Guys don't say stuff like that to women to get them to lose weight. They say it to make them feel inferior, to make them believe that no one else is going to love their body, or THEM for that matter, no matter how much farther down the scale you might manage to get. It's a control thing, same as isolating someone from their friends/family, or taking over their bank accounts, and every bit as abusive as a punch in the gut.

    Seriously, it's YOUR fault that he can't possibly be attracted to you because you don't look like you did in college? Later, will it be your fault when you get old? Pregnant? Wrinkled? If it was really a matter of attraction, he'd BE with someone else, not do you the "favor" of sticking around and constantly telling you how inadequate you are. Don't buy it. It's abusive, plain and simple.
  • Temporalia
    Temporalia Posts: 1,151 Member
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    Large numbers of red flags are popping up in my head about this guy. That kind of language, to me, is abusive and controlling. I . can't . even . . .

    I was thinking the same reading this....i've been there, it's not too late, move on before he makes you believe it's true. It doesn't get better. He should love you for all that you are....
  • Calif_Girl67
    Calif_Girl67 Posts: 526 Member
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    WOW......

    In my opinion if a person can't love you for everything about you including your weight or love handles
    then they need to move on. With the attitude that he has making comments to you about your weight
    says that he is not happy with the way you look. Mind you, even though you say your relationship is great otherwise,
    this will be a huge issue for years to come if you marry this guy. Even though he says it won't matter, it will
    and you need to see the BIG picture before you even think about marrying this jerk.

    Its the same thing with his smoking, How would he like it if you told him to stop smoking because it really bothered
    you and that his breathe smelled ? I think he would get really offensive and probably say, You never mentioned the
    smoking before.... yadda,yadda,yadda

    If he truly loves you then he needs to realize that your body is part of the package thin or chunky, what happens if you
    where to have kids and then you didn't lose the weight afterwards and where larger then now ? Is he truly going to stay ?

    You have to decide if this is the right path for you to take, If you can deal with his comments and think that he will change
    that choice is up to you. If he keeps making comments, I doubt he will ever stop. I myself would end the relationship
    and move on to someone who loves ALL of you size and all!! Best of luck to you
  • hannahsteveeee
    hannahsteveeee Posts: 11
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    I don't know much about relationships but I do know that when you love someone, you'll stick by them no matter what they look like. If he really loved you he wouldn't care about your body; he might encourage you to lose weight but the fact that he's said it might prevent him from committing to you is terrible- what if you put on weight in the future? It seems like a very shallow approach, but if you love him then perhaps you should talk to him about it and try and address the issues?

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