Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • juicygurl1
    juicygurl1 Posts: 195 Member
    you asked for our opinions so here it goes...i'd dump him. great he's honest about his feelings but boo on all the Criticism. I understand if u both are keeping yourselves in check, but from what you stated I didn't read that. It's great to love your self, but not OK when your put down for gaining weight. if you ever had babies with him, your pregnancy would be a nightmare from stress on baby weight gain.....buyer be ware!!!!
  • erinxo13
    erinxo13 Posts: 892 Member
    Completely rude, disrespectful and unacceptable. You love yourself and if you want to lose weight for YOU, go for it...but do NOT do it for him. He should NOT be making comments like that to you and it is not something that is going to stop. I would say move on and find someone that loves and respects you and doesn't make rude comments. Completely unacceptable, there are millions of other men around the world and I'm sure there are tons that will love you for you...he's a jerk.
  • MochaMixAZ
    MochaMixAZ Posts: 844 Member
    I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?

    This is a touchy question.

    I don't challenge his statement that he can't help it if your body is unattractive to him. That's fine... we all like what we like. It's hard wiring and not easily changed.

    So the question becomes do you want a relationship where physical attraction isn't there? That wouldn't work for me - I want 100%.

    I don't beat up on him for his thoughts or his feelings. He's entitled. You're also entitled, however, to a man that loves, adores, and cares for you. For ALL of you.

    Maybe 80% is enough for you. Can you see yourself settling for the good things and overlooking how he makes you feel and what he says about your body? If the answer is yes, then ignore all the advice and stay the course. If the answer is no... get... out.... NOW.
  • sally_jeffswife
    sally_jeffswife Posts: 766 Member
    First of all you Look "Beautiful" so I don't know where he's coming from with the words he has told you. In my opinion what he said was very rude. And I would think of it this way.....If you have to be someone or something else for him to love you he doesn't love you.He loves someone or something else. He should love and accept you the way you are and always be someone to be encouraging. If you do lose weight it should be for "you" and your own personal health and happiness not for someone else. I think there are much kinder people out there that would be more supportive and encouraging and treat you better. You look great and please don't think any different. If you need a friend to help be supportive please add me. I am kinda new to this whole diet thing and could use support too. Am working on losing weight myself cuz the medications I had been on caused alot of weight gain for me and just wanna get bk down to the weight I was before being on those meds. If it were me I would find someone more supportive of you and when you start looking mega hot just let him regret all the stupid things he was feeding your mind. And know that you have someone supportive who loves you the way you are.
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
    Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

    But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

    I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

    I think i just barfed in my mouth.
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
    DTMFA
  • fit4lifeUcan2
    fit4lifeUcan2 Posts: 1,458 Member
    My husband and I have been married 20 years and he has never said anything so hurtful to me as that. I think I would have left him if he did. I've gained and lost many times over the years due to babies, illness and what not but to say something like that is just unforgivable. Believe me I know it stays with you for the rest of your life. I know a women who's husband told her he was not attracted to her and made comments about her body. Said she looked like a boy. She still to this day talks about it even though her husband has passed away. If he really loves you he wouldn't say those terrible things to you.

    I think had he said it during an argument that he was losing then you could say he just said it because he was mad he couldn't win the argument and wanted a way to hurt you but thats not the case.

    Many times when people post about problems in their relationships people jump in and say dump him etc. I typically don't say anything like that but in this case I have to say you need to move on. Sounds like he is thinking in his narrow minded head that he has settled. His ego is telling him that he could do better. YOU can do better. YOU deserve better! Think of yourself for a change and find someone else that makes you happy and complements you. Not this jerk who tries to break you down.
  • lomins
    lomins Posts: 32 Member
    He doesn't deserve you!!!
  • ShawnNhGa1977
    ShawnNhGa1977 Posts: 56 Member
    Ew dump him.

    i agree with her this was totally wrong with what he said to her
  • fit4lifeUcan2
    fit4lifeUcan2 Posts: 1,458 Member
    There is nothing on earth worse or more lonely than being in bed every night with someone who is not physically attracted to you. Singleness is much better.
    THIS!!
    I always tell my teenage kids as well as my friends that its better to be alone and lonely than be with someone who doesn't love you for all of you and being miserable.
  • RilantheFirebug
    RilantheFirebug Posts: 207 Member
    He said his marrying you is conditional on your weight. Not ok. I think its time to move on and from your tone in your OP, I think you do too.
  • Stripeness
    Stripeness Posts: 511 Member
    Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.

    But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?

    I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.

    Having read your first response, too, I *think* I see where you're coming from. And two of my friends married - his preference was wired towards flat-chested blondes, and she was a stacked brunette. So, sure you can "see if you can get past it." and in this case, everything clicked (10+ years, now!)!

    Here's the difference between my happily married buddies and this situation - my friend isn't and hasn't ever said things to his wife about her boob size or hair color. Not suggesting she get a reduction, or even wear bras that de-emphasize. Also, even when she started coloring her hair to cover gray, he didn't push her to go blond. For him, the hair/boob prefs are just that - prefs, not requirements.

    If the OP's guy was a good guy & originally wanted to see if thinness is pref or req, that's okay. But now that he's realized curves are a dealbreaker for him, he needs to admit it and let them both move on. What's hateful is suggesting she ought to change. That's not supportive or encouraging, no matter how he packages it, because there is an underlying condition: be a specific shape or I won't love you.

    For your consideration, say you find your ideal woman, and she is also ideally shaped (in your opinion). Are you then going to ditch her in 20-30 years because of age-driven changes? What about if she got breast cancer & needed a mastectomy?

    What if you meet a woman who's ideal except for the boobs? You gonna ask her to get surgery?

    (I'm not suggesting there's a right answer for you, just advocating further thought & kind, thoughtful implementation with others)
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    Sexual attraction IS part of the deal --- so the question really for me is - why did he chose the OP? She didn't tie him down (or maybe she did... ) and FORCE him into a relationship with her. Why did he start - and then tell her she's not physically acceptable?

    Exactly. Of course sexual attraction is key, but why would any man get romantically involved with a woman in the first place if there was no sexual attraction? Do not pretend like that is a common thing because it usually exactly the opposite ... you think someone is hot, you date them, you find out their personality sucks, and then you leave.
  • akaMrsmojo
    akaMrsmojo Posts: 762 Member
    First - Man I appreciate my husband more.

    Second - In my college philosophy class it talked about love and how when you are in love you see pass the imperfect things about your partner. My husband has a birthmark on his neck, when I first met him I always noticed it. As I fell in love with him, it seemed to disappear. I can say now, I have not seen it in years. Because love, true love is so much more than the physical. Attraction is superficial, love is not.

    I know you love him but I would ask yourself if he loves you the way you truly deserve. AND you deserve it.
  • Today414
    Today414 Posts: 118
    First - Man I appreciate my husband more.

    Second - In my college philosophy class it talked about love and how when you are in love you see pass the imperfect things about your partner. My husband has a birthmark on his neck, when I first met him I always noticed it. As I fell in love with him, it seemed to disappear. I can say now, I have not seen it in years. Because love, true love is so much more than the physical. Attraction is superficial, love is not.

    I know you love him but I would ask yourself if he loves you the way you truly deserve. AND you deserve it.
    This, this and this again.
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
    You need to just be friends with him. He'll end up cheating on you especailly if you get pregnant or leaving you. You are gorgeous but he can't help how he feels. Tons of guys would want you so get one that wants you in every way.
  • KWake1
    KWake1 Posts: 148 Member
    Imagine your future with this guy. You have children. A beautiful daughter! She's smart, funny, kind, everything. And he says to her "You know, I'd like to take you to Disneyland, but you're too fat. I don't want to be seen in public with such a fat daughter." or "You're getting kind of chunky, why don't you join track instead of band." It's great that her Mom is full of confidence, but hearing your father say that is hurtful beyond anything.

    Do you really want a future with him? Do you want your future children to grow up in that environment?
  • RobinvdM
    RobinvdM Posts: 634 Member
    LoL - have more self respect.. If he loves you, then he loves you. All of you. From the bony butt to the jiggling upper arms. This guy sounds like a real tool. Im too much of a snarker to let someone talk to me like that. "I love you, but..."

    tell him how his words are making you feel. HONESTLY

    If he concedes great, but it sounds like hes not going to relent.

    Id ditch him after being horribly mean to him. But then Im snarky. :)
  • christywolfe
    christywolfe Posts: 38
    You're going to have to follow your heart on this one. You love him and he loves 80% of you. That's not a winner to me. How would he feel if you started pointing out his shortcomings? What if that was the deal breaker for you? If you love someone, you love ALL of them. Everyone deserves someone that makes them feel like they're the only person in the world and nothing else matters.
  • MrsSassyPants
    MrsSassyPants Posts: 223 Member
    No. Just no. The dilemma isn't your weight, it's his mindset and his alone. I'm glad to hear that you're secure and confident as you are because you are already and were so even at your highest weight, deserving of someone who can love and accept you in whatever situation you may find yourself. It's one thing to wish for a healthy life for someone you care for but to place conditions on whether love is given based on weight and looks alone, is a recipe for failure sooner or later. We each obviously have an "ideal" person who we would wish to find but perfection doesn't exist and even if it does for a moment in time, it'll likely not stay true over the long haul. We change, we grow and life throws things at us that can take away that "perfection" at any given moment. Only you can decide what you are and aren't willing to accept but I'd encourage you to think carely before investing too much time and energy trying to meet another's expectations. I wish you the best.


    This. I couldn't have said it better. And if you love yourself and are so confident why are you with someone who obviously has conditional "love" issues? Perhaps he see's you as a downgraded reflection upon himself. Where is his confidence level?
  • MissJanet55
    MissJanet55 Posts: 457 Member
    Sexual attraction is a complicated thing, and is different for men and women. Interesting to see the breakdown of comments by gender here.

    This has been a factor in all my involvements. When I weighed 106 lbs my husband criticized my weight, and when I was much heavier men I dated criticized my weight. I'm not sure what it is that makes men of any size feel that they can criticize the way women look (and I know I generalize here, not all men are like this), but this can be a challenge, and might not change if you got thinner. It sounds like you aren't particularly heavy, so it may be more complicated on some level. He may not even really know exactly what it is that bothers him. I hope you can sort it out.
  • divincenzo1
    divincenzo1 Posts: 25
    Honestly this post made me really sad. He is not being supportive or loving or kind. He is tearing you apart. For him to say he doesn't like your body and wants you to get back to your college weight seems unsupportive and mean to me. If my boyfriend said those things I would gain a ton of weight because I'd be sad, stressed and feel defeated. As much as everything else in your relationship may seem fine him saying these things is not fine. Being in a relationship is not about turning the person you're with into what you want them to be....it's about loving them for who they are...including any imperfections they may have. I mean everyone has preferences and fantasies and what not...hey I'd love to be dating Channing Tatum but I'm with my boyfriend who I love...I never even consider his weight an issue and if he were to gain more I might have health concerns but not shallow concerns. I hope you take a step back and realize you deserve someone who will love you for you...for the you you are right now, not who you could be in a few months or weeks of weight loss. Your weight should have zero to do with your relationship and I think if you stayed in this relationship you could be setting yourself up for disaster and heartache. :flowerforyou:
  • mochalishious
    mochalishious Posts: 97 Member
    That's a tough one. First of all if he LOVED you for you than your weight would not be a issue. This is how he met you. Secondly he is loving you with conditions & that can't work. What if you started harping on him how would he receive it! I'm glad to hear you are losing weight for you!!! You may have to do some evaluating on your relationship. Just because something taste good doesn't mean it's good for you. I wish you the best of luck
  • troys1981
    troys1981 Posts: 16 Member
    Seriously...you deserve better than that. Love should not be conditional...and he should love you as you are, period. I think this is definately a sign of abuse although mental , it is in my opinion worse than physical ( unfortunately I've experienced both when I was younger and thought that I was "in love"). Hold your head up high and know and understand your worth. If he can't love you as is, he doesn't deserve you. By the way you are gorgeous!!!
  • fionarama
    fionarama Posts: 788 Member
    You need to just be friends with him. He'll end up cheating on you especailly if you get pregnant or leaving you. You are gorgeous but he can't help how he feels. Tons of guys would want you so get one that wants you in every way.

    This is exceedingly sensible advice. You absolutely should not sleep with someone who is not attracted to you, let alone consider marriage. Like it or not, sexual chemistry is a big part of what keeps couples together through the ups and downs.

    My husband can be known to pressure me in the same way (well except he never denies being attracted to me). Many men are conservative creatures, I think what they struggle with is falling in love with someone outside the stereotypical norm. It might be a simple and very immature situation where he is worrying about what his friends or "other people" think of his chosen partner. Maybe he imagined more of a trophy wife (not that you aren't!!!!) and is struggling with realising he fell in love with a real woman instead. So he is trying to get you to mould to his fantasy more, even though you never will live up to that. Men get barraged with so many images and sadly they really believe those photo shopped girls are real and that their girl may look like that one day.
  • dnscal123
    dnscal123 Posts: 46 Member
    dump him, if he can't except you for who you are then you don't need him.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
    This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.

    On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...

    I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.

    Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.

    I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?

    Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.

    Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!

    I think you should be with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful woman on earth.
    he should make you feel sexy, attractive and wanted. there is nothing wrong with suggesting for you to lose weight, and saying that he prefers for you to be at a certain weight (i mean this is being honest) but for him to PRESSURE you and to put CONDITIONS on you like that???

    I would have said good bye a long long time ago.

    You keep saying that everything else is perfect - put are you willing to over look this BIG thing and pretend your relationship is perfect for the rest of your life? what happens if you guys to end up together and have kids? he will leave you when you are pregnant and gain weight???? :noway:

    sorry I wouldn't put up with this. its one thing to motivate you to be healthy, another thing to criticize you and put u down.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
    Sexual attraction IS part of the deal --- so the question really for me is - why did he chose the OP? She didn't tie him down (or maybe she did... ) and FORCE him into a relationship with her. Why did he start - and then tell her she's not physically acceptable?

    Exactly. Of course sexual attraction is key, but why would any man get romantically involved with a woman in the first place if there was no sexual attraction? Do not pretend like that is a common thing because it usually exactly the opposite ... you think someone is hot, you date them, you find out their personality sucks, and then you leave.

    any chance he is gay and using your weight as an excuse to avoid intimacy and long term committment?

    ETA: i'm not trying to be mean its a serious question. has weight always been an issue, even when u met? has he ever been attracted to you?
  • x_cinder_x
    x_cinder_x Posts: 118 Member
    Is there a possibility that your guy is gay? The self denial type, perhaps? I do not mean it as an insult in any way, just a neutral statement/question.

    I know you are probably going to laugh it off, but I have seriously had friends who have gone through this and your post reminded me of their situations. The whole "he does not think I am pretty enough" thing. And while I was there to tell them its the *kitten*'s issue not theirs it did not hit home until their guy ran off with the dude next door- so to speak.

    No matter what, settling for someone who does not think you are good enough will only bring heartache.
  • Mbillingslea
    Mbillingslea Posts: 7 Member
    I am very sorry you are going through this. It isn't right. My hubby of 10 years loves me when I am at my fittest and when I am at my fattest and never has a problem touching me or wanting my body. As women our bodies change constantly and what is going to happen when you get pregnant and it changes EVERYTHING about your mind, body, and soul.....????? I put on 60lbs with my first child and I don't think I will ever be able to look the way I did before kids!
    I truly feel that if he REALLY LOVES you your size and weight wouldn't matter. That is a form of emotional abuse and there are plenty of other men out their that LOVE curvy figures. Love yourself and move on.

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