Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

<clearing throat> Okay, I'm ready to be flamed. In the spirit of my own self-improvement and expanding my horizons, bring it.

Abuse is one thing. Verbal, physical, sexual or otherwise - and shouldn't be tolerated.

Is your mate (boyfriend, not spouse in this case) telling you he isn't attracted to you... abuse? That's not my definition. Is it insensitive, mean, and shallow? Yes. Abuse - again, not in my opinion.

Second - I would like to think I love my husband unconditionally. He's a wonderful, fabulous, sexy man. I would like to think if something horrible happened, say he was burned over 80% of his body, lost his limbs, and couldn't control his bowels... I would stand by him because I love who he is inside. I hope that's what I would do. I'm self-aware enough to know it would be very tough. THAT isn't what I signed on for.

I expect his body to change, to sag, to wrinkle, for him to gain or lose weight. I expect health challenges. I hope I weather them all as he will my changes.

But let's say he cannot. Let's say I balloon back to 550 pounds and he loses the sexual attraction he has for me. Is he really to blame? It would be sad, and we'd like to think it would never happen... but... I wonder. I truly believe we could sustain that, but I have NO doubt he'd be lovingly pushing me toward returning to healthier lifestyle choices. I don't think that's wrong of him - or abusive. In fact, that in itself can be loving.

This sounds like something else. The OP is only 15 pounds away from goal. It sounds more like it's being used an excuse, perhaps. I think that's entirely different. . . and goes back to my original question: What do YOU want out of a relationship and what are you willing to settle for?

I dated a man once that was the opposite. He wanted me fat. When I started losing weight, he told me THAT was unattractive... and he'd bring home all my favorite craptastic foods to keep me eating badly. It was the reverse of what's happening here, but it boiled down to the same thing. I wanted a man that would support me, wanted what was in my best interests, and wanted me healthy.

For me, if I am to be honest, I am at my happiest when both my partner and I are working to be healthy. He looks hotter when he's going to the gym. I find I'm attracted to him, however, even if he's not. But maybe that's not the case for everyone, and I can't say with an open heart they should be labeled evil for it.

It kind of sounds like this guy is trying to be honest with someone he loves and considers his best friend. Is he a bad guy for openly saying, "I'm sorry, I love everything about you but the package?" As I think about it more, I actually respect the guy for saying it instead of acting out or breaking her down in other passive-aggressive ways. It goes back to what is important to you and what do YOU want. I'd like to see the OP say, "Well, I'm all that you love AND it comes in this package"... and then with confidence, have a frank discussion. I don't believe he can change his attraction level. So... maybe being friends with this man is the way to go... and then seek out someone that loves the whole enchilada.

Best of luck to you.

Show him this thread. Maybe he'll realize what everyone here is telling you! And, you're beautiful!

No. Just no. The dilemma isn't your weight, it's his mindset and his alone. I'm glad to hear that you're secure and confident as you are because you are already and were so even at your highest weight, deserving of someone who can love and accept you in whatever situation you may find yourself. It's one thing to wish for a healthy life for someone you care for but to place conditions on whether love is given based on weight and looks alone, is a recipe for failure sooner or later. We each obviously have an "ideal" person who we would wish to find but perfection doesn't exist and even if it does for a moment in time, it'll likely not stay true over the long haul. We change, we grow and life throws things at us that can take away that "perfection" at any given moment. Only you can decide what you are and aren't willing to accept but I'd encourage you to think carely before investing too much time and energy trying to meet another's expectations. I wish you the best.

couldn't have said it better! Totally agree! best of luck to you.

So right now it's your weight... when you get that to what he wants it to be what comes next? What's the next condition before he will accept you? What happens when you get older, sick, injured?
Not right. Not right at all.

It's never going to stop. The way he treats you now and his feelings about your body will continue as long as you're together. If you can live with knowing that someday he may leave you or perhaps cheat on you and then blame your weight and also say he warned you, then okay. I say end it because it is only going to cause you pain; you can heal from the heartbreak but his abuse will scar you for life.

Yikes.

I checked out your profile, and you are such a beautiful woman! It's awesome that you have self-confidence and strength in your personality and character, and you know that you need to be healthy and lose weight for yourself, which you are doing.

This man may say he loves you, but his love comes with conditions! What flaws will he find in you once you reach the number that HE thinks is acceptable? Someone who loves you should support and encourage you, your goals, and your dreams. If he is unhappy with your weight, maybe instead of criticizing and putting you down, he should step up and take a class with you or go for walks with you! Make goals together to eat healthy meals, or work out together. He should never tell you that your are sexually and physically unattractive, or unsexy, or unappealing. That's hurtful, thoughtless, unkind language, and no one needs that in a "loving" relationship.

Examine your heart, and walk away if necessary. Life is too short to settle and accept mediocre.

I tried to keep my thoughts to myself. I have been where you are. I dated a guy and thought he loved me. I soon noticed that we never did anything with his friends. He and the boys got together to drink and hang out. After 2 years, I was thinking forever when he broke up with me to get married a month later to a girl "his boys" had introduced him to. He was actually living with me while he was dating her. He told me that he was uncomfortable being with someone FAT. He and his wife had a daughter and he named his daughter the name we had picked out for our future child.

I know you want to be in an honest, loving relationship. He is not it. As others have said, ask him to give up smoking and see what happens. Your weight is not the reason for your dilemma.

dump his *kitten*!! hes still thinking like a high school punk. dont worry you'll find someone much better :flowerforyou:

I have to be brutally honest, he is an *kitten*..plain & simple..Find someone who loves you for you..anyone who says " I just dont find your body attractive" but then professes to love you is full of S**T. You deserve respect and unconditional love. Send that man packin'

He is just not that into you.