For Big Women on the Edge When the Subway is Too Crowded

sigh. I live in NYC. I take the subway. A lot. Inevitably, the train will be packed. Just as inevitably, there will be a tiny skinny woman with a huge purse who will take umbrage with how much space I am occupying. Yes, I take up a fair amount of space. BUT I also make sure to zipper my coat and take my bag off so that the chances that I'm going to bump into someone are reduced. I am not the only person taking up a lot of space on a packed train. NY'ers do not have a lot of personal space. We live on top of each other. Meh. I learned to work and live around that. Like, I wouldn't sit in a space that is not the width of my shoulders. If my shoulders don't fit, my *kitten* wouldn't fit. (Fun fact! Cats' whiskers serve the same function!)

There is ALWAYS and I mean FREAKING ALWAYS some tiny, underfed chick with a HUGE purse that will start some ish with me. Seriously. Today I get on a train and go to the middle because I'm going to be on it for an hour. My right knee is wonky from having had a torn meniscus and the ensuing repair surgery years ago. The woman I wind up standing in front of is tiny, has a purse the size of RI on the seat next to her and is doing her best to take up as much space as possible. Someone later pointed out to me that she looked more like she was riding in the back of a cab than a bench on the subway. She huffs when I stand in front of her. With my big self. Taking up space that she clearly had claimed. After about 5 minutes of pouting and huffing, she asks me to move SO SHE WON'T KICK ME. I told her that I was fine, she wasn't going to kick me. Then she asked if I could just move half a step over. No, I could not. And then I was a lot of curse words and...wait for it...fat.

Every single time, it comes down to fat. I assure you, I put my pants on this morning. I know what size my butt is. This was just her way of trying to shame me for taking too much space, eating to much food, having the nerve to be big enough to be seen. So no, I was not going to back down. Not when HER BAG had a seat.

So. There was a shouting match. She also proclaimed her education (college, me too) and pedigree (claims to be a hood rat, I grew up in the projects) and FINALLY said she was PREGNANT. I maintained that she was a self important entitled *itch and no, I was not going to move because she had plenty of space. When she didn't get her way and said she'd kick my *kitten*, I told her she was welcome to try, I have about 100lbs on her.

In the end I calmed down because some nosy fellow passenger started showing me pictures of her kids. I remembered spending the weekend with my niece and nephews who are some of the most incredibly cute kids EVAR. The whole things stopped being worth it and I managed to defuse the situation.

Seriously though...f*** that fat shaming bs! I am comfortable in my own skin and I'm the one who has to live in it. I'm not doing this because I want to be the perfect size or because I'm worried about how people see me. Everything I'm doing is to live better and feel stronger.

This morning I noticed that I'm going up the stairs to the elevated subway with less effort. I swam for 45 minutes because I love swimming. I reveled in the feel of my muscles working to pull me through the water and later, the feel of my heart rate speeding up as I walked quickly. I ate 1231 calories total and I'm not hungry because I planned and prepared tasty, well balanced, nutritious, filling meals that I ate throughout the day. Oh and the pants I was wearing? That's the last time I wear them for anything other than bumming around the house because they're baggy and look like crap on me.

And you know, even if I lose all 140lbs of the weight I need to lose to be the perfect BMI I will NEVER back down or hide or try to be invisible. I will always stand my ground. Especially on the freaking subway.