Am I being unrealistic?

If you had a daughter and she came to you with this scenario - what advice would you give her?

Why isn't that advice right for you?

Oh God your boyfriend sounds like my ex husband to a T, nonexistent hygiene, socially and financially controlling/emotional manipulation,and the total distance and lack of respect. Get out of that relationship as fast as you can, even if you have to stay with a friend for a while.

Believe me, the sooner the better. My ex only got worse over time, he was eight years older than me, I dated him through high school and was married to him through college. It totally devolved into him being drunk when he wasn't at work, and me trying to hold a job, go to school, and play mommy/housewife to him until I couldn't take it anymore and contemplated suicide to get out.

Your post is really a cry for help for YOU. Go to your college counselor. Work out a plan and get out of this relationship as fast as you can. You deserve better than that, and you can get better than that. Somehow you think you are better off with him (someone) than without him (no one). I am sorry you don't have any parents or siblings who can help, so you have to turn to yourself and help yourself. Take charge and don't take any more abuse - and this is abuse. You have to realize this and take swift action.

It does sound like he might be depressed. But you cannot fix his depression. Your mental health has to come first, and you're clearly unhappy (and with good reason, because he is not treating you kindly.) You are worth more than he seems to be putting into this relationship.

Unfortunately, until you have a clean record it seems it might be hard for you to be able to support yourself. So here is what I would do; it takes 6 months to get your record clean, so plan for six months ahead. Have a long talk with your boyfriend - if you feel safe in doing this* - and explain why you are unhappy and what you would like to work with him to change. Set a plan and stick to it. See if he keeps it up. If he doesn't, then in six months time, when you have more options available, get yourself a job. If nothing changes then, then make plans to get your own place and get out of there.

*and if you don't feel safe in doing this, then you have some much bigger questions you need to ask yourself, and it might be time to look into shelters in your area.

I hope it's not a troll post I had to work very hard on my response. I even got a FR from it.

Does he have a mullet?

Nothing personal...but hygiene aside....the controlling issues alone would make me leave. Not only may he be depressed, he seems insecure to the level of complete unhealthiness. He needs help and he will never change until he comes to terms with these issues on his own. In the meantime, you need to put your focus on your own well being and move on for your own safety and happiness.

So, um, your abusive boyfriend works in IT, is overly controlling, and you don't get to leave the house. Do you think he might, maybe, just possibly, be able to find what you post online? Hmmmm.....

You are not being unrealistic. Relationships are made of compromise and that has nothing to do with who pays for what. He's throwing red flags up everywhere. Tread carefully while you must and give some serious thought to getting out of this relationship or at the very least getting into some counseling.

I've transcribed sessions for a psychologist and based on what I've heard about lack of personal care, excess clutter, lack of motivation to do ANYTHING, I'd say (at a minimum) he is suffering from depression. Based on the the other, more controlling (read: scary) aspects you shared about his personality, I'd suspect he's dealing with other, more serious (read: dangerous) psychological issues. For your safety and well-being, please take the nearest exit. If you don't have friends or family to help you, there are organizations that can help. Please don't let fear stop you because this will only get worse.

I can tell you that I worked through college with a 1.5 year old to support - you can rent a small studio, figure it out and move on. This is sooooo disgusting, I would not be able to bear looking at him, let along have a relationship/live with or clean up after him.

Honestly, I think you already know what you need/have to do here. I know it's easier when everyone else agrees. My question is: what do your RL friends say? I can't imagine living like that, that sounds horribly disgusting!

I do not want to sound mean or rude, but it shocks me sometimes what people will put up with in their lives when they love someone. Sorry, but it's time to make him grow up, and being on his own may make him grow up and be a man.

if it was me, i'd stick it out at least 6 months when you can get a job and then i'd save up money. Knowing how i am, i would wait a year until i got my finances in order along with a job and transportation and found a nicely priced apartment. IF possible, stick it out until you graduate, yeah your situation is VERY bad. but with a degree and a good salary plus the money you saved up from a regular job you can do well on your own. before you graduate, you could write him a "thank you for letting me stay here, but it's time for me to go" check and say that you were growing apart for awhile now and wanted it to work but unfortunately it isnt going to because the way he acts toward his ex seems like he is still caught up on her and other crap like that which he might buy into. like how you thought over time he would forget about her so he could have a future with you but since he isnt doing that then you two don't have the same long term goals (insert other crap here). :smokin:

Ooooh, just read the last part >.> how controlling he is

if it means putting college on hold while you find a job (i promise there are jobs out there that don't require a background check) and make some money, it's worth it to not be with him anymore. obviously you know you shouldn't be with him. you said nothing in the post about wanting to stay with him except that he pays for stuff. if it's that terrible, the money isn't worth it.