My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
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I just wanted to say - if you would no longer be attracted to your fiance because they may gain weight in the future, then you shouldn't marry them - and you are with them for the wrong reason.
I love my husband and will always be attracted to him. He has gained at least 30 lbs since we've been together (and me way more than that), and I am still attracted to him - because that attraction is based on more than ONLY looks and his weight.
People change and chances are, we will gain weight as we get older. If your Fiance has a problem with that, then that's not a good thing. Period.0 -
Isn't that what he said? I love how on a fitness website so many of you are about encouraging others to NOT change for the better. So much better to encourage people to stay overweight and lazy. Got it.
Have yet to see anyone say stay sitting on the couch, what I have interpreted is get someone who supports you, and positivley encourages you, with maybe 'constructive' criticism, instead of words aimed to hurt0 -
I think it's good for your fiance to want to help motivate you and get you back on track, however the way he has gone about it is totally wrong. My partner's weight has increased and he is now just under 17st which is pretty big. I still love him all the same, however I do wish he'd lose a bit more weight and work harder towards it.
It's hard to find a balance between being motivational and critical and I know that sometimes I cross this line with my partner and have to reel my words in. Perhaps calmly explain to your partner how his comment made you feel. Express that you appreciate his motivation but would like him to also be more supportive.
I hope things all work out ok for you.0 -
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
This. = /0 -
I think his approach was wrong, I was much larger when I met my fiance and he gained some weight when we started dating (3 yrs ago). I've dropped 20lbs on my own free will and after him seeing me eat healthier and working out all the time he fell into my routine and he's happier now, as well as about 15lbs lighter. Did I fancy him any less when he got chunky? Absolutely not, I love him more and more every day reguardless of his looks b/c he's still the man I fell in love with and plan to spend the rest of my life with. You need to tell him that you agree that you're not where you wish you were physically but that you need loving support not just mean backlash from him. Communication is key to any realationship!0
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This happened to me many years ago and it was the beginning of the end.
We'd been together 3 years at the time and I thought we were happy. I was quite overweight and I was trying to eat healthily and go to the gym to try and improve my body but suffer terrible depression which made giving it my all difficult. I tried to ignore his comments and continue to plan the wedding but his horrible words kept driving me mad and in the end I decided I didn't want to be with someone who could be so cruel. He could have easily got me to go for more long walks with him and helped make healthier meals when we cooked together but he didn't. He didn't want to help me.
Now I'm with someone who's stuck with me and supported me through fat and thin quite literally. It hasn't mattered if I'm 185lbs or 140lbs he's been there. Five babies, increasing stretchmarks, new wobbly bits each time, a ladies apron, boobs going south and he still tells me I'm sexy and my underwear looks better on the floor.
I think you need to have a serious chat with your man and find out if he's capable and willing to love you unconditionally and if not you need to decide if you can deal with that. When you're old, grey and arthritic you don't want to spend your days wondering if he's going to trade you in for a younger fitter model.0 -
I've been in a relationship for almost 8 years now, engaged for nearly half of that time.
When I met my fiancé I was a firm size 10-12 (UK) .. but also 16 years old so go figure! During the first 4 months, from a mixture of eating and going on to the contraceptive pill, I was up to a 14-16 ... 8 years on I'm an 18! And weigh about 3.5-4 stone heavier than when I met him.
Yes.. I know I'm a big girl.. I know I look a lot different, and I wobble, and jiggle and spill out of my jeans when I'm sat down..
But!
This makes me think of the episode of friends when Ross writes his pro/con list about Rachel and his gf.. and when Rachel finds out she says something along the lines of..
"Imagine everything you dislike about yourself.. and now Imagine that the person you love and trust thinks them too" and then on about using them to not be with them (this last bit isn't really relevant.. not really)
Well.. I KNOW that my fiancé probably thinks like me... yes, I'm fat, he probably thinks that too - can't be helped, I am fat, there's no two ways about it. Does he still fancy me? I dont know, not for sure - he may well still do (for some unknown reason - i wouldn't fancy me!) But I would never, ever, ever want him to say it out loud or tell me that he doesn't fancy me anymore. I would be so incredibly hurt and he knows that it probably wouldn't motivate me to do any more than I already am.
That being said... he was honest with you and whatever his intentions, be it to motivate you or whatever, he was honest. That is quite admirable. To be able to say something so honest to the person you love is a good thing, right?
But me being me... I'd cry in a heap on the floor for a month and then shower myself in cookies and cake.. thereby not getting any more fanciable.
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Be honest with him. Let him know it hurt you, explain to him that your work is hard at the moment and has been for some time and he can't expect you to want to go running when you get home from a 12 hour shift and long commute... it's not realistic! But he might understand then...
all else fails.. i know some pretty tough guys that can, ya know.. *cough* uhm.. yeah!
Chin up though:)0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.
I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.
Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health?
"
Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?
I think you really missed it.
She stated that she grew into HIS exercise routine. She was not that way from the beginning. It seems like he was already manipulating her to change FOR HIM, from the start. And now she is not adhering to his plan, and HE doesn't like it. That is why HE is a jerk.0 -
No, I'm sorry but no.
It's RUDE. He could have been a lot more supportive.
So what, he doesn't like what you were eating that night, was he mad because of what you were eating or that you were eating at all? How was he okay with you skipping meals? Or did he like it because it made you slim?
*sigh*0 -
As un pc as it may be, if the love isn't there bc of body changes, then IMO, it was never really there. So while it may seem like you are a grade A @$$, seems to me the weight gain was just a cover excuse for an underlying issue...I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.
Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.
On the other hand I think I may possibly do the same ...
its a tough one
The love could've been there but got covered by all the lbs. Adding a 125 lbs changes a lot about you, you can't go for long walks on the beach like you use to, your interest most likely will shift from active to more sedentary choices.
Your statement of "the love was never really there" is unfair to their relationship, because people fall in and out of love all the time due to many reasons. For him it was the repulsion from the excessive weight gain, if you are both outdoorsy type of people and one gained that much weight and the outdoors got eliminated from the equation then you just killed a part of the love in that relationship.
In. My. Opinion. IMO. My opinion is based on my experiences, with medical issues I had, activities my husband and I did together were eliminated. We worked on our relationship to continue to move forward, to find new things we could do together. IMO, to many people dont realize the hard work a lasting relationship is. if she got cancer, and they couldn't do the same things, this is different? Not in MY opinion.
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Medical issues we have no control of, and like your husband most will do the right thing and stick with their love. If I just started developing apathy and not taking care of myself is a little bit different than me getting cancer.
They too can work on their relationship but the relationship is sitting third behind a job and school.0 -
On the one hand, it sounds like he is really concerned about your health and the resulting mental funk you are experiencing from not making the best choices; however, you have to consider whether or not you want his attraction to you to continue being based on how you look on the outside. It's one thing to try to support your partner and to encourage them to take care of themselves. It's entirely another matter to say "I don't fancy you" when you gain a few pounds or are going through a hard time. What if, for example, you got breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy? Or what if you were in an accident and lost an arm or leg? Physically you wouldn't be what society says is "perfect", but you would still be the "perfect" you!! How would he feel then? You deserve a life partner that will be in it for the long haul, for better or worse, regardless of the ups and downs we all have...both mentally and physically. Only you can decide what is right for you!! Good luck on your journey and blessings to you! :flowerforyou:0
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Exactly my thinking on this!It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.
)) 0 -
Isn't that what he said? I love how on a fitness website so many of you are about encouraging others to NOT change for the better. So much better to encourage people to stay overweight and lazy. Got it.
Have yet to see anyone say stay sitting on the couch, what I have interpreted is get someone who supports you, and positivley encourages you, with maybe 'constructive' criticism, instead of words aimed to hurt
From the OP: "he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now." She even calls herself lazy and it's clear that she is not going to go back to being active, yet her finance wants her to. He tried. That's all he is obligated to do. He finally said he has had enough and said so, and she comes whining on the internetz about her mean finance.
And before someone starts talking about her "long" days. 12 hour days aren't so bad. I've worked my share of multi-day shifts and the way to get through them it to take care of yourself. She's not doing that.
I feel for the dude. My wife and I kick each other's butts all the time. It sounds like he needs a woman like that.0 -
So what would the women of MFP do if they no longer fancied the man in their life?
I guess they wouldn't tell them because that would be bullying and emotional abuse.
People stop finding other people attractive sometimes, it happens, both ways.
Be glad it happened before you got married, but this isn't some kind of hate crime.
this need moar love.
:drinker: :drinker: :drinker: :drinker:0 -
Maybe someone has already said this but here's my take: You're depressed and eating for comfort and gaining weight. Even though you've only gained 20lbs, it could look like a lot more than that if you've also lost confidence and are slumping on couches when you get home. It could be that he doesn't fancy the person you are now because you're hard to support. I know that sounds harsh. But hear me out.
My SO is overweight and has been since before we met. The weight doesn't effect how I see him. But a confident person carries themselves in a way that is attractive at any weight. Truly. A happy person has a draw no one can deny, at any weight. I've gained 20 lbs since I met him that I am trying *so* hard to lose. But the only time my extra weight becomes an issue that he notices is when it effects my confidence and my mood.
If we're all really honest about things, we can be really really hard to deal with when we're grumpy and depressed for too long. We can behave in ways that make even the people closest to us want to go away.
So the way to fix this current issue is this: you have to look at yourself honestly. You have to determine if there is a way you've behaved that has made you less approachable. You have to determine whether you have the strength to focus on yourself for your sake.
The sooner you take care of yourself as a whole person (mind and body etc), the easier it will be to determine whether this guy is an *kitten*, or if he was just not able to articulate fully that he thinks you need help.
Become a strong, confident woman and your path may be easier to walk, whatever it turns out to be.
And lastly.... DO NOT LEGALLY BIND YOURSELF to this guy til these issues are resolved. Divorce is a HUGE pain in the *kitten*.0 -
suggest him to arrange healthy meals for you instead of *****ing about your ways. making you feel guilty is not exactly supportive and don't know if you should read more of writings on the proverbial wall!
ask yourself honestly do you trust him to be by your side should you fell ill or incapacitated...be your own woman, some heartbreaks are really worth it.0 -
Isn't honesty supposed to be part of a foundation for a relationship? Not knocking on him or you, but I would have LOVED it if someone told me they weren't happy with my lifestyle or how I was becoming. I was at a all time high of 210/205. Everybody played it cool and didn't tell me I was big or they didn't like my habit or choices. I am GLAD some people did. This was my fuel to reflect on my life and the new choices I created to better myself and my lifestyle.
It could go either way, people could take it as a diss or hurt your feelings-- or you could use this to motivate yourself and be a better person. Not for him, but for YOU. Trust me, as someone who has been in your shoes and a few relationships where even the GF would make fun of me... I took all that with a grain of salt and BETTER myself.
We aren't together anymore. And now, they can't stop sending me messages with how I look now. All I can say is, just keep your head up, focus on yourself and do it for your health's future and NOT anyone else.
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a real man would love their girlfriend. fiancee no matter their size or shape. If a guy didn't fancy me I would say adios to him and bid him farwell.0
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Well, your fiance was awfully blunt and indelicate in the way he put that to you. Personally, I would never speak to someone I love in that way. I'm not condoning the behavior at all but maybe something else is going on in his professional life that is a stressor and he is not speaking about it. Why not consider returning to your healthier lifestyle but do it for yourself, not for him. You may find your self-confidence and independence increase.0
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I understand it's hurt you and it's not particularly nice, but if he doesn't fancy you the way you are, what is he supposed to do, pretend?
Also, your profile says you're not working out as much due to sheer laziness...not sure how that stands with your reasoning in your post.
People have different tastes for their choice of partner, might sound shallow to some but that's a fact of life.0 -
I agree - you are beautiful as you are. We are all human. Please don't let him define you or control you!0
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I just wanted to say - if you would no longer be attracted to your fiance because they may gain weight in the future, then you shouldn't marry them - and you are with them for the wrong reason.
I love my husband and will always be attracted to him. He has gained at least 30 lbs since we've been together (and me way more than that), and I am still attracted to him - because that attraction is based on more than ONLY looks and his weight.
People change and chances are, we will gain weight as we get older. If your Fiance has a problem with that, then that's not a good thing. Period.
The weight is only part of it, she used to spend a lot more time with him by doing physical stuff with him and eating healthy with him and now she is not really into working out, and is settling for eating takeout and parking herself on the couch. Maby the msg he is getting is that she is not that into him anymore and his response could be based on that and maby if he is feeling that she is not that into him anymore it is starting to affect the way he feels about her. Weight gain changes a person physically and mental and emotionally , She used to feel energetic ,was active and vibrant and now her self esteem is lower and she is no longer the same person she was before and that can be a turnoff.0 -
Lets take some of the focus off your relationship and him.
What will make YOU happier right now, aside from things to be sorted out with him. Is there something you can adjust in your life that will make things easier for you so you can find time to exercise and eat the right foods? Focus less on your relationship and more on yourself right now, taking care of you. I think once you do that, this problem with him, will naturally sort itself out.
I think he wants YOU to be happy and content with yourself but his words burn, as they should. They would to me. Sometimes, the hardest things to hear come from those we love and love us but it doesn't make it any less truthful. Would you rather him tell you only what you want to hear?0 -
seriously....no one has heard of the crazy hot scale?
Not trying to make a joke here, but I think its true. Some people are willing to put up with things as long as their SO is still attractive to them. So as some other posters have said, maybe there are some other underlying issues that he has been willing to look past and not discuss with you because you were very attractive to him and it wasnt worth it. Now as it seems you have fallen out of favor with him not only in appearance (but hes lost a workout buddy and real life MFP eating partner) and possibly he is no longer able to accept things about you that he was willing to previously ignore???
It really is a conversation the two of you should have, because it sounds like there are other issues thats been bothering him and this is the proverbial straw. If not, I see no reason why he wouldnt be supportive of you both with the stress of your crappy job and trying to better yourself through further education.0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.
I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.
Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health?"
Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?
I think you really missed it.
She stated that she grew into HIS exercise routine. She was not that way from the beginning. It seems like he was already manipulating her to change FOR HIM, from the start. And now she is not adhering to his plan, and HE doesn't like it. That is why HE is a jerk.
This, exactly this. She changed herself to fit into his image of what his girlfriend should be like. She was never off the scales and skipping meals - that is neither healthy nor normal. She's having a really stressful time with work and needs the support of the man she loves, not guilt-trips (his "downward spiral" comment which she says he says often) and "I don't fancy you anymore".
She's not sitting on the sofa guzzling **** food and saying "I'm fine, everything's normal" - she knows she's let her eating and exercise slide because of the stress in her life. Her fiance's ****ty attitude towards her diet and exercise won't be helping her in any way at all.
I'm not one of those people who think criticism should always be fluffy hugs and spitting rainbows - sometimes I need to hear it straight - , but if my fiancé ever said anything like "I don't fancy you anymore" the relationship would be over. I have enough self-respect to know that, and hopefully the OP does too.
This excuse of a man doesn't respect her, doesn't support her, doesn't love her - not in the real, enduring, "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" sense of the word. IMHO to him a girlfriend is an object, a trophy, something pretty to hang on his arm, something to be seen with that reflects well on him. Run for the hills, OP. Run fast.0 -
True love is not about weight. This guy is a jerk. My two cents: LEAVE HIM... This advice comes from my heart and experience. Took me 15 years to realize it and now I am with a guy who loves me no matter what. I wear a size 12 right now and he keeps telling me every day how perfect I am. I have always loved myself, but being with someone who accepts you for the total you is a wonderful and completely life-changing feeling. You don't need to put up with this guy, worrying each day if you will meet up to his shallow standards.0
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Did not have time to read everyone's responses but.....sounds like you are unhappy enough about yourself....you do not have much free time to exercise let alone cook tasty options to eat and take with you to work. Honey take care of you!
As for the rest I have been with my sweet honey through fat and thin and back again...married 36 years!!!!! There is ebb and tide in marriage but if there is LOVE it shines through.It so worth working through and getting to the bottom of it the weight may not be the issue at all.
Love yourself first!0 -
Be happy and healthy for yourself! Your weight does not define you. Be strong! :flowerforyou:0
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My husband was trying that bullying tecnique with me too and it wasn't working. All while he was 'kidding' and 'warning' me about the pounds I put on (in part due to a crisis that had occured in my life), I refused to do anything about it. As soon as he shut up and started accepting me for what I had become, I made my personal vow to help myself to get better. Because it was MY decision. Now his words are all encouraging, not bullying. I hope your man turns around and starts accepting you for YOU. If not, I would seriously start to think about what the rest of your life will be like with someone so judgemental. It might be his only flaw, but that may be the only one needed, down the road.0
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Skip the story about the 20 pounds. What I read was that you were caught up in a lifestyle that put home last after your 7-7 out in the world and that you were depressed about work and "food cheers me up." Depression is contagious. When you are down, that black cloud comes into the house. Then you say you don't feel like exercising. And something about slumping onto the couch. You need a lifestyle adjustment, not a 20 pound weight loss, although the 20 will probably lessen with the lifestyle changes. What do you enjoy, really enjoy about your life? Suffering for 18 months seems pointless unless there is really a light at the end of the tunnel and you can be positive about it. I find that a walk clears my head and that overeating clouds it.
If my partner were to change many of the things about himself-- his passion for running, his love of reading, his dedication to work (all of which take him away from me in some sense) he wouldn't be the same guy. I've seen photos of him when he weighed 30 pounds more and he admits that he was depressed. I would not have dated the old guy, just as he would not have been interested in the person I was back in the day. Anyone who says love is unconditional isn't being realistic. Would I love him as much if he started hitting me? Cheating? Working 20 hours a day without end? Chewing tobacco or smoking? I might love his right to express himself but I would not want him in my life. Would I find him sexy with an additional thirty pounds? Um, probably not.
You might need a therapist or a life coach to find out how you've gotten off track in your life and to address the low mood. But blaming the boyfriend is a waste of time. He didn't do this, you did. He's at least being honest.0
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