My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

since when is a 12 (UK) heavy? it's not the smallest size on earth but it definitely DEFINITELY isnt big, jesus christ

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If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?

Same. Regardless of how he feels about your behavior the past weeks, if he loves you so much, why would he hurt you like that? Willingly? It doesn't matter at ALL how "true" or "untrue" you feel you getting out of shape is, a person that truly loves you would find a different way to motivate you instead of choosing words to put you down. Not good, girl.. Not good.

I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.

This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.

Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.

This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.

This was my first thought as well.

You poor darling. That's not a nice thing to hear from anyone. My boyfriend suggested a few years ago that he would find me less attractive if I gained any more weight and that shocked me into making a change. It could be that he was only trying to do the same thing as he is worried about your changing lifestyle due to your stress at work. I guess, if he was used to you running a lot and seeming to be very motivated to suddenly witnessing it all change, he is bound to be worried. He probably didn't expect you to be so hurt by the comment (if he's never been chubby before he won't know how sensitive and vulnerable it can make people).

BUT, I think it is very important that you don't take everything people say on here at face value. MFP is a wonderful community and we are all here to help each other, but no one here will know what your relationship with your fiancé really is. He may or may not ultimately be right for you, but only you and perhaps those who know you both well as a couple can answer that. Don't think it is irreparable because some people here have suggested it is.

Think about who you are and why you and your fiancé love each other and perhaps talk to him about what he meant and why it hurt you so much. Don't run away from it, but try to use it as motivation to help you along. You don't seem happy with the way your life is at the moment and exercise could make you happier in the short-term (even if it is difficult to drag yourself out, it's nearly always worth it) and in the long-term if it makes you both happier and healthier as a couple, it is worth it. You have to do it for the right reasons though, not because you're afraid he will stop fancying you again.

I hope this helps. Just remember to love yourself regardless of how you feel each day and to know your body is worth looking after for so many different reasons. xx

Thats very insensitive I would NEVER repeat NEVER say that to my fiance, she has also gained maybe 14lbs since we met 5 years ago but I don't love her any less or am I less attracted to her.

Its kind of selfish, not understanding and superficial.Even if what he said was true maybe its more the manor in how unlovingly he chose to deliver it.

I have learned the hard way about how I say things and thinking from another perspective and not as a male just as a person in general.

Regardless of your relationship issues find your own strength in life and live in the present moment. 5 minutes of meditation in the morning lunch and at night can make a difference an de -stress you.

I completely agree with him. ^
If I really love somebody, I'm not going to quit begin attracted to him because he's put on 20 pounds. I don't think that is the way genuine, life-long lasting love works. It shouldn't be dependent upon physical appearance.

I would have been deeply hurt by a comment like that too and I would be questioning whether he was the right guy for me. If I'm making a for-life commitment with a man, I sure need to feel like his love goes too deeply to change if something happens with the way I look. I mean, we are going to get old and wrinkly and grey someday, right?

Wow..some of these responses floor me. I hope..I reeaallly hope that some of you don't find yourselves in a situation where you NEED someone to take care of you..in any way. Because I can see there are wayyy too many people on here who will, and have walked out on someone because of something petty and fixable. Too many people are stuck on stupid...and willing to throw a relationship away because of weight gain........really?

Well...karma is a b¡+€h......and she will come for you eventually...and be prepared to take what you dish out.

Weight can come off.......stupid can't.

I dated a guy who was controlling like this... and let's just say there are WAY better choices in the sea. How is he going to react if you have kids, and CAN'T lose the weight. That's what happened to me. There is a difference between fancying someone and truly loving them. If he feels he has to tell you he "doesn't fancy you anymore" then that should be a huge red flag. It's not easy for anyone, but women more than men, to gain weight and not feel comfortable in their own skin. When my hubby and I met, I was about 160lbs. I'm currently over 200 (and 4 kids later) and he tells me every day that he loves me more now than he did the day he married me. That's the kind of relationship you should be in. Not one that is based solely on your physical appearance.

First, you have to do it to be happy with you. And I've learned through my weight loss/health journey that support of the people close to you is the ultimate motivation. Bullying doesn't motivate...it puts down. In order to motivate a person, one must inspire or support them. Also, don't allow food to comfort you...been there...ate that...it only makes things worse in the long run...both health and self esteem. Exercise allows you to relieve stress and burn calories. Find a workout that you love and pour your energy into it each day...visit the gym and run on the treadmill with your inspirational music blasting through your headphones. It helps...don't give up on yourself and don't allow anyone else to bring your further down. Once YOU fancy you, you'll be just fine.

I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?

The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.

At the same time, I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food. But - is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's the author of his own discontent. And you'd be better off without.

This.

And I really have to agree that you skipping meals to get down to a size 8 seems really unhealthy. Was this guy's regimen really a good influence?

seriously....no one has heard of the crazy hot scale?



Not trying to make a joke here, but I think its true. Some people are willing to put up with things as long as their SO is still attractive to them. So as some other posters have said, maybe there are some other underlying issues that he has been willing to look past and not discuss with you because you were very attractive to him and it wasnt worth it. Now as it seems you have fallen out of favor with him not only in appearance (but hes lost a workout buddy and real life MFP eating partner) and possibly he is no longer able to accept things about you that he was willing to previously ignore???

It really is a conversation the two of you should have, because it sounds like there are other issues thats been bothering him and this is the proverbial straw. If not, I see no reason why he wouldnt be supportive of you both with the stress of your crappy job and trying to better yourself through further education.

Also this

I wrote out a long reply and halfway through decided I was saying too much. A lot of folks have given you advice in the few hours since you posted.

I suggest you take a little time to figure out where you are and where you want to go, then figure out how to get there. While you may not be eagerly anticipating your fiance's return tonight, you have a bit of time to think things through. You have the chance to communicate with him and figure out what the two of you want to do. You also have the chance to look at your life and decide if you want to change things there too - work, school, exercise, etc. And some changes takes time, some things have to be worked toward, they are not instantaneously in effect.

What do you want? Really, what do YOU want? What changes do you want to make? What are you willing to accept and put up with? Maybe you have had some setbacks - you can do something about that and overcome them. Every day can be a new beginning. And remember, to not make a decision is to still have made a choice.

Good luck tonight, tomorrow and all the days after that. I hope your story has a happy ending, whatever ending that may be.

Lank

So let's read this again from his perspective:

He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.

I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.

Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health? "

Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?

I do agree with this in part, but when it comes to long term relationships there is a LOT more to it. People will change. Injuries, and illnesses can and do happen, in which case would he expect her to go for a run after breaking her leg? And if she didn't, would it be acceptable in your eyes that he is not attracted to her? And what if they did have kids? She wouldn't be ABLE to do those things for some time. After I had my two I was told to limit my activity for 6 weeks and not just from making love. 5 month after I had my first child, I had to have my gallbladder removed and was not allowed to do anything strenuous until I got the doctor's "O.K." and if my husband had said he wasn't attracted to me because I was following doctors orders, I'd be out of there. Sorry, but change is unavoidable, I am not the same person my husband married. I am 118lbs THINNER. I am more confident, I hardly resemble what and who I was back then, and through it all my husband has been right there by my side supporting me all the way.

On the other hand I see the point here, and he probably feels like you don't care for him like you used to, even though it's not true. He is looking at the long term now, whereas he was looking at the short term when you started dating. And yes, he should have been MUCH more sensitive about it.

Ok, here is what I have for you. If he cannot support you, build you up, make you feel beautiful, not degrade you he is not for you. No matter what size you are every woman and man deserves to have that one person that no matter what loves you for you. My man has seen me little and has seen me bigger and loves me no less than the first day he saw me. He tells me I am beautiful everyday, he supports my efforts to get in shape. He is my rock no matter what.. YOU DESERVE THAT TOO!!!!

It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.

This ^^^ He is he giving heads up that to continue in a relationship with him, fitness needs to be a higher priority for you. He is letting you know what is important to him and giving you the time and knowledge of this. If you make fitness a higher priority, I bet he will be your biggest fan and supporter. If you do not want to do that, then consider the writing on the wall. You are in control.