Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't
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The best thing you can do is lead by example, don't preach, that never helps but if your partner shows interest bring it up then. No one *wants* to change if they're forced into it, even if they're actually wanting to do it. Its like a kid who was quietly planning on doing their homework being suddenly obstinate when they are told to do so.0
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You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.
Would you leave your partner?
It is unfair-- that way of thinking, that is.
Unless the partner is overweight or inactive to the point where they look vulnerable from a purely health perspective, you really have no right to change them. If you don't love them because you've found a different way of living and you want someone who lives similarly, then you have to just admit that to yourself. If you no longer find them attractive, then I'm sorry but you're shallow.
You can't fault your partner because they are taking longer to reach the state of mind that you found, or that they will never find it. That's who they are-- either accept it and continue improving yourself, or go find someone else who you will be happier with. But don't kid yourself that they are the problem here. There is no problem, because you changed your mindset and your partner stayed the same. That doesn't make one of you right and one of you wrong.
Edit: Realized this is hypothetical, but my post still stands. I would say that to anyone in this situation0 -
No.
I've been married to my husband 8 years this May and he supports me in MY choice to lose weight and get in shape. He's making motions of doing the same on his own, but I won't push him unless he asks for it. You can't expect someone to change just because you have.0 -
This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.
I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.
That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person).
im in a realtionship that my partner is happier with me being fat and unhealthy its like the better im looking the meaner he is getting.. we have been together for almost 20 years and have two small children togather,, but for me im thinking about leaving just because i feel its abusive of him not to support my new body and life style changes.. i dont feel bad about that either and i maybe should but im not.. im working very hard to feel good inside and out and if he doesnt want to change thats his ok with me but he should be a little more suportive.. sorry thats my rant for the day,,0 -
Maybe I would leave if we were just dating. I've been married for 11 year and we have 3 young children, so of course in my situation the issue seems trivial. I have been making baby step over the past couple years to improve our health, and the changes aren't being resisted anymore.0
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I'm working out and watching what I eat and my husband isn't. I'd like to encourage him to start but he's not in that mindset yet, so I don't push. Hell, he married me when I was about 30 lbs heavier so for me to push him to change his lifestyle would be wrong. He has been nothing but encouraging and proud. If you truly love someone, you love them regardless of their physical appearance. Remember that we all age and looks change! I love every inch and ounce of my husband and I will accept him and love him whether he loses weight or not.
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I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We both probably gained 15 pounds in our first year of dating. Recently I've felt the need to lose that weight and he hasn't. Honestly, I don't care. I love him for everything that he is, not just his size. He is supportive of my desire to get healthier. I invite him with me to the gym, park, etc. but never pressure him. He never pressures me to eat bad or skip my exercise. If you truly love someone, you love them for more than their size.0
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I am in the same position too! recently married- May 2012- and we had a tough year with family health issues...my mother was dx with breast cancer and his 35yo brother died of a sudden heart attack. I took the opportunity to really focus on the way I want to live my life- exercise, life, and keep a fairly clean diet. While I would never leave him, it really does bother me. I think it is important that we are good role models for his late brother's children and the children that may one day have!
It may be helpful to encourage activities that have an 'athletic' component, join club teams for some added competition, take a cooking class. for us, cooking together allows me to have some control about the food we eat yet it brings us together since I am a major food person and need to have million-step dishes that take some time haha.0 -
Would you bail if your partner had cancer? Or some other sickness or illness? I don't know if you are married or not, but I am, and I married my man in sickness and in health, for better or worse, til death do us part. That encompases all the wonderful parts of our marriage, and the less than stellar parts of our marriage. I can bet you there are things your partner does not like about you, but LOVE overlooks a lot of fault!0
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why would you dump your partner for a stupid reason like that?? it means you love yourself more than you love the person you are committed to. Getting plenty tired of the "because i am on a health kick, everyone else who isn't or chooses not to is inferior" mentality on MFPWould you bail if your partner had cancer? Or some other sickness or illness? I don't know if you are married or not, but I am, and I married my man in sickness and in health, for better or worse, til death do us part. That encompases all the wonderful parts of our marriage, and the less than stellar parts of our marriage. I can bet you there are things your partner does not like about you, but LOVE overlooks a lot of fault!
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I think this is what my husband is afraid of. He'll mention that he should start getting more active but he never actually does anything. I think he's afraid if I lose so much weight and become more fit and attractive that I'll wake up one day and decide I can do so much better than him. He has told me he prefers his girls bigger, but I keep thinking if he sees my self confidence and self respect grow that he'll find me just as attractive 40lbs lighter as he does now.
Personally, so long as he encourages me and we continue to communicate about our feelings, I wouldn't leave, but then I've also been known to be a "chubby chaser" to an extent. I mean, abs or a flat stomach are definitely hot, but just because he's more pear shaped doesn't mean I find him less attractive.
If it became life or death I'd certainly start pushing a bit and try to get him to come to the conclusion on his own that he needs to lose weight but he was underweight for most of his life so I think he's enjoying weighing a little more. lol.
Edit re: typo.0 -
YO THIS IS THE EXACT DILEMMA IM IN!!! Help !0
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I am in a similar situation right now with my husband. Though I would never leave him because he is overweight. I am more concerned with his health then his appearance. He is after all the same person I met and fell in love with. I just wish that he cared as much about himself as I care about him. I think you just need to support her and hope that eventually your health and energy will rub off on her or you have to let her go. It's not fair to her if you are not into it and its not fair to you either. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you either way!0
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Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.
Would you leave your partner?
Absolutely not. I can say that with certainty, because this is pretty much my situation. My husband is finally, reluctantly, coming around due to health problems. I honestly think he looks good. He's always been good looking and from strictly an aesthetic prospective, I prefer chubbier men. But unfortunately looks are not what makes for a long happy life. I really want him to get and stay healthy. I wish he wanted it as much as I.0 -
That is one of the possible scenarios that I thought you could be meaning. But this is only ONE value. I have tons that my husband doesn't share but the important ones we do share. THAT is the key. Which values are deal breakers. You and your partner have to be on the same page with those types of things.It looks like no one read my follow up post on the first page. I'll paste it below...
"This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.
I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.
That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person)."0 -
Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.
Would you leave your partner?
No. I started MY journey last June, when my husband had a hip replacement. I have a much healthier lifestyle, as well as have dropped weight. My husband gained about 20 pounds while dealing with his hip issues limiting his active lifestyle. As I have dropped lbs and gotten in better shape, he has sat by with a bag of chips (or whatever) complaining about his gut. I didn't marry him for his gut, nor did I care that he put on the weight. I care about his lack of satisfaction in his life. I continued with my healthier habits, that I am developing for me, with obvious benefits for him.
As I hit the dreadmill the last 6 weeks, he started coming downstairs. Then he started with his weights, and bike. He is slowly working on the eating. I am happy he is starting to feel better.
Thru all of this, I decided to change, I didn't try to change him. He had to make that decision. I didn't need to have a conversation about how his lack of desire to change was affecting me, bc it wasn't, other than his complaints and not doing anything. It sounds as if you need to have a serious, compassionate, honest discussion about your feelings.
My husband felt I was leaving him behind, and in a sense pouted until he was ready to make changes for him, which in turn combined with my changes are improving our life together and with our 3 children.0 -
If you make a change in your life to be more physically fit and all, thats your choice and has nothing to do with your partner, I dont believe you can make someone change, they have to want to make the change. As far as a physical thing, well I think that is selfish, Ive been married to my best friend for MANY years, we have been through a lot of changes, we have had two kids, we have had to take care of other family members, my wife fought breast cancer and so forth, I look at my wife the same way I looked at her many years ago and I know she looks at me the same way, it's whats inside that counts! Granted my wife is not heavy and she looks at me funny for going on this health thing, but she does support me and that is what I love about my wife is that she is always there thick or thin and I plan on always being there for her!0
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In your case I do believe that you are right and it is abusive. It sounds as though he is insecure and you losing weight poses a threat. If you want to save your marriage it is time for MULTIPLE heart to hearts and plenty of calling him out when he acts ugly. But even that may not save it because you can only do so much when it comes to people that are that insecure. Good luck hun and be careful.This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.
I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.
That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person).
im in a realtionship that my partner is happier with me being fat and unhealthy its like the better im looking the meaner he is getting.. we have been together for almost 20 years and have two small children togather,, but for me im thinking about leaving just because i feel its abusive of him not to support my new body and life style changes.. i dont feel bad about that either and i maybe should but im not.. im working very hard to feel good inside and out and if he doesnt want to change thats his ok with me but he should be a little more suportive.. sorry thats my rant for the day,,
*edit for some reason it put my comment inside your quote. oops. 0 -
I was just giving my opinion... but this goes for anyone who is thinking of leaving their partner just because they dont like their looks anymore weather if is because of weight or age.. eating healthy and working out to look good, doesnt make anyone better than others..if you are thinking of doing that(but will not admit it) you are a selfish je**! and she doesnt DESERVE a loser like that! (seems like all those years she spent with you, were a waste in her life!
Just a thought.
No...more of a suggestion...
You may want to read more in a topic before you go all "Harsh and Hateful"
ETA : why I say that...It looks like no one read my follow up post on the first page. I'll paste it below...
"This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.
I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.
That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person)."0 -
I would look to a relationship counselor on this one. They may identify other reasons why your partner either turns to food for comfort, avoids exercise or eating better, or otherwise doesn't see why a healthy lifestyle is so important. They may just have a "mental wall" of sorts on what this kind of change means (and not know what it DOESN'T mean, like completely depriving yourself of the things you really like), OR they could have something else going on, either with themselves and/or the relationship, that a good therapist could guide them (and you) through.
Giving up on someone due to their weight alone? Maybe, but I'd be willing to bet there's more to it than that.0 -
Absolutely not. First and foremost, my husband is skinny, so I don't really have this issue. Secondly, I love HIM, so that comes first.0
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Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.
plain good old advice. people, especially women, hang on waaaaaaay too long and take waaaay too much crap.0 -
So much depends on the relationship itself and the securities (or insecurities) of those involved. I'm in this situation right now. My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years. I'm thankful that he stuck by me when I gained all the weight I did; but when the lightbulb finally turned on and I made the decision to get healthy again, things got very difficult. In recent years, as I've lost weight and gained confidence, he's done just the opposite. Now on a daily basis, I hear about how he thinks I'll leave him for someone new, constant accusations that I'm cheating on him, and complaints that I workout too much and don't spend enough time with him (which equates to sitting on the couch and watching tv). The other day, he told me that I was the one who changed in this relationship, not him, so it's my fault that we're not as close as we used to me. Yesterday, he told me that we wouldn't be in this situation if I wouldn't have gotten fat in the first place. Even though (I think) I look better than I did when we met, we've become nothing more than roommates because we don't have much in common anymore, he doesn't want to *do* anything with me, I don't want to sit around and watch tv, and he's not physically interested in me anymore. Will I let it impact how I choose to live my life? No - I seek out happiness. And if that means doing it without him, I'm okay with that. Will I leave him? That's a really hard thing to do after 20 years. But maybe...if things got bad enough and I get enough courage. But it wouldn't be because he doesn't share the same healthy lifestyle as I do. It would be because I finally get fed up with the emotional neglect.0
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Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.
plain good old advice. people, especially women, hang on waaaaaaay too long and take waaaay too much crap.
I think you've strayed off the subject into some other issues, perhaps based on personal history. Because I can't imagine how one person getting fit while the other does not equates to "taking crap"??0 -
So much depends on the relationship itself and the securities (or insecurities) of those involved.
Wow that is tough. Sorry to hear. Sounds pretty twisted though and you are seeing the BS which is good. How in the world could this guy not have anything but pride and admiration for you. Sounds like he has some issues, especially with confidence/self esteem.0 -
Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.
plain good old advice. people, especially women, hang on waaaaaaay too long and take waaaay too much crap.
I think you've strayed off the subject into some other issues, perhaps based on personal history. Because I can't imagine how does one person getting fit while the other does not equates to "taking crap"??
read the post above from Wuggums, sums up my thoughts and answers your question pretty well with what I mean about "taking crap."0 -
Another good reason to leave. But notice that there is more here than just weight. He's emotionally abusive.So much depends on the relationship itself and the securities (or insecurities) of those involved. I'm in this situation right now. My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years. I'm thankful that he stuck by me when I gained all the weight I did; but when the lightbulb finally turned on and I made the decision to get healthy again, things got very difficult. In recent years, as I've lost weight and gained confidence, he's done just the opposite. Now on a daily basis, I hear about how he thinks I'll leave him for someone new, constant accusations that I'm cheating on him, and complaints that I workout too much and don't spend enough time with him (which equates to sitting on the couch and watching tv). The other day, he told me that I was the one who changed in this relationship, not him, so it's my fault that we're not as close as we used to me. Yesterday, he told me that we wouldn't be in this situation if I wouldn't have gotten fat in the first place. Even though (I think) I look better than I did when we met, we've become nothing more than roommates because we don't have much in common anymore, he doesn't want to *do* anything with me, I don't want to sit around and watch tv, and he's not physically interested in me anymore. Will I let it impact how I choose to live my life? No - I seek out happiness. And if that means doing it without him, I'm okay with that. Will I leave him? That's a really hard thing to do after 20 years. But maybe...if things got bad enough and I get enough courage. But it wouldn't be because he doesn't share the same healthy lifestyle as I do. It would be because I finally get fed up with the emotional neglect.0 -
depends how stubborn they are and ignorant that the food they eat is okay for them or that lack of fitness is also no problem.0
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I'm in the same situation. Its really frustrating and sometimes I get really disgusted with what he eats and how much he eats. He also complains about how hes uncomfortable. Hes also about 300lbs. Theres no easy fix to this. All you can do it hope that they will eventually follow with your positive eating and life style change. If you really love the person, you will hope for the best and work through it. You cant force them to do anything they aren't ready for. Maybe just keep encouraging. Best of luck.0
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Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.
plain good old advice. people, especially women, hang on waaaaaaay too long and take waaaay too much crap.
I think you've strayed off the subject into some other issues, perhaps based on personal history. Because I can't imagine how does one person getting fit while the other does not equates to "taking crap"??
read the post above from Wuggums, sums up my thoughts and answers your question pretty well with what I mean about "taking crap."
I guess we have different definitions of crap. I wouldn't consider growing apart as taking crap, either.0
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