My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

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  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
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    If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?

    YUP
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
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    I think he's using this as an excuse so he can cheat. Whatever you decide just watch him. I have a feeling he isn't trustworthy.
  • pinky_pinkster
    pinky_pinkster Posts: 56 Member
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    A size 12 is not big or fat! And that was a mean thing for him to say! It sounds like your having a rough time and your fiances not helping - not cool! He should be more supportive towards you.. :flowerforyou: I hope things get better for you
  • Improvised
    Improvised Posts: 925 Member
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    A size 12 is not big or fat!
    It can be. I'm a size 12 and I look like a whale. I'm not very toned though, so that doesn't help.
  • jlove720
    jlove720 Posts: 20 Member
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    The best "advice" I could possibly offer you is to find a way to talk to him. Maybe explain to him that just because exercise is HIS "thing," it doesn't HAVE to be yours. Of course, sharing something like exercise which can obviously be beneficial to the BOTH of you is wonderful. Still, he should be mroe compassionate and understanding about the OTHER aspects of your life that have you in this "slump." Perhaps tell him, if you feel the space is one of comfort for you to do so, that the "bullying" approach isn't helping. If he indeed still "loves" you, there are other ways to express his sentiment so that you feel where he is coming from, but not like his child. Maybe this different approach will motivate you to move even after your 7-7 days. Blessings to you. If it is meant to do so, I sincerely hope and pray it works out. :happy:
  • purpledelight
    purpledelight Posts: 134 Member
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    I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.

    This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.

    Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.

    This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.


    ^^^^^^
    this
    read it
    feel it
    own it

    TOO many relationships are about power and control. I am sorry you are not comfortable in your own skin. But that is your issue to deal with. It is your life your body your choices.

    Yeah when i was heavier I am sure my hubby found me less attractive. I know i FELT less attractive. <shrug> If he had said something like that to me it would have hurt me and made me feel even LESS attractive. But in the end; when I had enough of feeling like - that I decided to take control of MY health and MY body and do something about it.

    You got this girl. YOU are fine.
  • fitfreakymom
    fitfreakymom Posts: 1,400 Member
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    How many hours do you think most professionals work in a day? Doctors, lawyers, fund managers, investment bankers, etc. for the most part consider 12 hour days the base line. It's about scheduling your days and priorities. If the OP and her fiance are not compatible, so be it, but I know plenty of people with demanding jobs that manage to stay in great shape. It's simply a matter of whether you want it or not. Yes, you can always say "it's too hard" but that is almost always an excuse. She has time to sit in front of the TV, right? Then she has time to go for a walk. She'll sleep better, have time to talk through relationship problems with her fiance (rather than whining on the internetz), and look and feel better for it. But, by all means, just continue to pat her on the back and say it's okay.

    Most people in those professions don't have children to tend to. Psh, my doctor works less hours than I do. They open at 9am and close at 3pm. If you are working 12 plus hour days and add in 30-1 hour commute, I'm asking where do you have the time to take time out for yourself and your children? Do you just say hi to your kids, tuck them in and then go spend 2 hours at the gym? You are missing the point.

    I've been working 12 hour days. It sucks. I wake up at 6am, get ready, get my daughter ready, get out the house by 7:30, get to work before 8am, work until 8pm, get home by 8:30pm, go over what my daughter did at school, check homework, do story time, tuck in. It's now after 9pm. Then I make dinner for myself which takes until about 10pmish. By the time I'm done eating dinner (because I don't eat microwave stuff I can bring to work and I hate eating at my desk) it's 10:30ish. I have time to look over mail, do light house work, and then look at the alarm clock to see how many hours of sleep I can get before the alarm goes off again at 6. Now I do 30-45 minutes of Zumba on the Kinect because with this new temp schedule until my position is filled so I can go to my new dept, I haven't had time to drive to the gym before they close. I could go after work, but I'd rather see my kid than go to the gym after work.

    For you to just brush it off like it's so easy peasy to do 12+ hour days and still have time for family is a joke. I only have to do 12 hour days for the next 3 weeks and I can't wait to be back down to my normal 7.5 hours.

    But I hope you enjoy your perfect life.

    My hubby is in the military, he leaves here at 4:30 every morn and do's not come home til 5 ish every night, he do's not work out but he still has time to spend with us, most of the people on this base have the same hrs and still work out and have time for family. We have a nieghbore that leaves with my hubby go's to the gym for about 5:30 and plays squash as his workout and comes home with my hubby, the other guy that travels with them go's to the gym every morn as well, go's to work and comes home, there are times when they don't get in the door til about 5:30 or 6 and this is mon to fri hell sometimes they are on duty for 24 hrs and still find time to workout.

    so yes a 12 hr day can and do's work for a lot of people, and the reason why my hubby leaves so early is so the other two can go to the gym and still be home for dinner.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    Haven't read past page one, but unless you are convinced you can go the rest of your life never fluctuating in weight, tell him that you can almost guarantee that your weight will change throughout your life and ask him how that will affect your relationship from his end. Put the responsibility back on him for whether or not he can sustain a relationship with you through varying weights and appearances. Ask him how he will manage a relationship as you age and your appearance changes. If he can't manage this, accept that and make your decision with that in mind. But if he is someone who needs that physical attraction to manage a relationship, make him own that now before you get into something official. Best of luck to you.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    If and only if you never plan to have kids (in which case get him sterilized) it might be worthwhile to stick around and lose the weight, since you aren't happy with your current appearance, either.

    Isn't that a bit selfish, especially as they're both still young and not even married?

    If YOU choose not to have kids, surely YOU get sterilised, and if HE chooses not to have kids, HE gets sterilised.

    It kind of takes two to make that choice in a committed relationship. If both in agreement, it's usually less expensive, less risky, less invasive, with a shorter recovery period for the man to get sterilized.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    sounds like my life
  • WannaDizzolve
    WannaDizzolve Posts: 270 Member
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    I totally agree. If he was concerned about her "downward spiral" given her increasing stress and work, he could be stepping up and offering to prepare meals or snacks so she isn't as tempted, or offering something helpful to keep her on track.

    What did he do for dinner that night? Did he himself eat out? Did he cook dinner for himself but not you? Did he just not eat?

    Depending on the answer you have - hypocrisy, a lack of caring, or unhealthy behavior.

    Also, you've been together for 5 years and you've "only" been engaged for 6 months? Sounds like somebody was pretty undecided all along. I'm guessing it wasn't you. I dated a guy like this. I know what decision i made. And it didn't take me 5 years to do it... Good luck.
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
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    When I gained weight my boyfriend (of 3 years) i'm sure fancied me less but he would NEVER have told me! He always said that he would help me to lose weight if I wanted to but NEVER did he say that he didn't think i was beautiful, he told me i was all the time.

    This is my b/f too. He met me when I was 180 pounds....and when I went up to 210 he NEVER said he didn't care for me or didn't want me anymore. He told me he loved me no matter WHAT size I was. He said "all I want is for you to be healthy". I am losing weight for ME...not for him or anyone else. You're b/f needs a good kick in the rump.
  • McButtski
    McButtski Posts: 203 Member
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    I totally agree. If he was concerned about her "downward spiral" given her increasing stress and work, he could be stepping up and offering to prepare meals or snacks so she isn't as tempted, or offering something helpful to keep her on track.

    What did he do for dinner that night? Did he himself eat out? Did he cook dinner for himself but not you? Did he just not eat?

    Depending on the answer you have - hypocrisy, a lack of caring, or unhealthy behavior.

    Also, you've been together for 5 years and you've "only" been engaged for 6 months? Sounds like somebody was pretty undecided all along. I'm guessing it wasn't you. I dated a guy like this. I know what decision i made. And it didn't take me 5 years to do it... Good luck.

    Just on this point - It would be the norm to go out with somebody for a number of years before getting engaged where I'm from.. and in the UK where I assume the OP is from given her reference to UK clothes size.

    To the OP: He sounds like a controlling knob. Lose weight for you, not him.
  • Shauncho49
    Shauncho49 Posts: 132 Member
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    on one hand, he sounds like an insensitive jerk for not understanding your work struggles...

    ...on the other hand, it sounds as though you knew he took this health thing pretty seriously when you met him so you should have known what you were getting yourself into and that at some point he wouldn't desire you if you weren't healthy like him.

    ... me personally, I think the former outweighs the latter and I really would not recommend marrying this guy...marriage is about understanding...and it sounds like he has little of that.
  • Cinnamonhuskies
    Cinnamonhuskies Posts: 78 Member
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    Married is in sickness and in health. Mature people do not bail when the going gets tough or when something happens that they personally don't like.

    Maybe the only thing that kept you 2 together was the exercise. Without that, do you have a solid foundation? Weight issues are not the real problem here...it's something underlying that.
  • mhcoss
    mhcoss Posts: 220
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    So let's read this again from his perspective:

    He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

    Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

    I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.


    ^^ x2
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    ...I cant help but feels its the beginning of the end because now I will only be all the more insecure and embarrassed around him, which is clearly already affecting our relationship…..

    You should NEVER feel this way about your partner. The way I knew that my husband was THE ONE is the way he instantly made, and after 12 years, still does make me feel absolutely safe, secure and totally accepted. Good luck to you! :heart:
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
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    He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she.....started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

    He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that,

    If the guy had sat her down and said something like this, with understanding instead of, "I don't fancy you anymore.", I might be inclined to feel differently about him. A little diplomacy goes a long way in a relationship.
  • McButtski
    McButtski Posts: 203 Member
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    So let's read this again from his perspective:

    He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

    Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

    I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.


    ^^ x2

    OH ME GOD, you're soooo right. OP - forget about yourself COMPLETELY!!! It's all about him and how he's feeling, don't you get that? Don't you understand?? He wants to hold hands and run together!!! Just stop being stressed about your job, right this instant.. and stop the emotional eating, k.. stick on some lipstick, some nice knickers and dance for him to make him feel better.

    Sarcasm overload.
  • loricshields47
    loricshields47 Posts: 134 Member
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    Do you 'fancy' you? Thats all that matters. If this man loves you weight is no issue. Recently all my hair fell out, balder than an old man, and my husband proudly held my hand and said I was beautiful. My husband is 40 lbs over weight..is it fanciful..nope...but I proudly hold his hand and tell him how loved he is. Thats what makes a successful marriage...unconditional love and acceptance.
    There are far bigger issues here than 20 lbs can account for. He sounds controlling and eventually exercise alone wont be enough to meet his expectations. He wants a trophy wife..let him find one elsewhere. Of course that sounds drastic, so try a compromise..instead of a run~a nice walk holding hands and talking and being supportive of the others circumstances. What ever he will agree to.
    I am a firm beliver in' til death do us part', so please dear consider your options and what life`~long term ~has to offer you.
    You need to get healthy for you. NO-ONE ELSE.
    God bless

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