My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

I recently saw an interview with country star Miranda Lambert. She realized that she had packed on a few pounds (easy to do with her petite stature). She asked her husband "Why didn't you tell me I was getting fat?" his response "It's not my job to tell you you're fat, it's my job to tell you you're beautiful".

I love this. IMO love should be about what's within a person, not the exterior.

You sound like so many women I have met over the years and the truth is women like you always end up with men like this. Men that put you down and dominate you. I wouldn't say dump him because you'll probably just go back out and find someone just like him so you should try to work with him on this one if you think its worth sticking with him. If I were you I would tell him to 'shut the fu** up and mind his own god damn business' but then I'd probably be dumped. Its your decision but I think you are the problem and not him tbh. You allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if I offend.

This is a very valid point.. the fact that you didn't tell him to f&ck the f&ck off when he initially brought it up speaks volumes about your willingness to put up with this treatment.

Okay, so I've been thinking about this long and hard. On the one hand I feel as though your fiance was incredibly insensitive, and didn't put any thought into how his words might hurt you. But, on the other hand I would say that I could understand, from his perspective, why he would be feeling less connected/attracted to you. Even you aren't happy with the person you're becoming (and I feel as that is more important than anything else), and if you aren't happy with yourself how can anyone else be. And again, I want to reiterate that I am not purely talking about psychical attractiveness, although I won't say that it doesn't matter (but it most definitely should NOT matter the MOST).

In my opinion, you really need to sit down and assess your life. If you aren't happy with your job, don't be afraid to make a change. If you aren't happy with the way you look, workout and eat healthier (do it the right way though, don't cut meals, you're just going to make yourself miserable). And, if you are feeling like there is turmoil in your relationship, sit down and talk to him about it. You both need to voice you opinions as adults. I can't tell you how vital it is for you to be able to speak about EVERYTHING together.

But most importantly I want you to do what is going to make you a happier/healthier person. Don't do things just because you feel like your fiance wants those things, do them because you want to.

There is a great book out there called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I think there is something deeper going on in your relationship then the weight which the book might help you with.

I'm only on page 10 of responses but I want to second this suggestion. I really enjoyed this book and it gave me a lot of perspective on my marriage and relationships -- not just with my husband but my children as well.

Good luck.

You sound like so many women I have met over the years and the truth is women like you always end up with men like this. Men that put you down and dominate you. I wouldn't say dump him because you'll probably just go back out and find someone just like him so you should try to work with him on this one if you think its worth sticking with him. If I were you I would tell him to 'shut the fu** up and mind his own god damn business' but then I'd probably be dumped. Its your decision but I think you are the problem and not him tbh. You allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if I offend.

What a mean reply. Do you get pleasure out of putting people down?

Your profile pic and your cold words are in contradiction.

It doesn't surprise me that people think I'm being mean here but I have had years of women I know crying over men like this but then they just keep going for the same types of men. They need to change not the men is all I'm saying.

Yes but you're making a huge judgement call about the situation based on one post. You may be right, you may be wrong, but in my opinion, you certainly don't know enough to leap right in with a mean and judgemental call like you have.

Well I don't know you or your fiancé, but what I can say is I believe you should only use kind words that lift others up. You cannot unspeak an unkind word, nor can you undo the hurt it causes. Everyone should stop and think before they speak. My husband and I exercise together but there have certainly been times (due to stress/kids/work/combinations of all three) when I haven't felt like it and maybe gained a few kilos. He still always told me how beautiful I was and that my beauty shone from the inside.

Good luck with your decision making and don't give anyone permission to put you down .... It doesn't matter who they are!!!

So let's read this again from his perspective:

He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

EXCEPT she said this - When we met I was between 147lb and 154lb and suitably happy/confident at the size 12 I had been for many years. But over time (5yrs together to date) I started to naturally fall into line with his exercise regime and healthier eating. I developed a passion for running and lost about 20lb dropping to a size 8-10 and also starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week.....

She didn't change, this is how she was when they met!

You're right there missus.

To the OP - you look great as you are and a size 12 is small anyway so any changes you make to your body from now on should really only be because YOU want to change yourself for whatever reason - tone up, get healthy, not because someone is basically emotionally blackmailing you. i know that sounds dramatic and i dont know the guy, but if he wants to marry you then he needs to accept that you are not going to stay looking the same way your entire life, and neither is he. people change as they get older, he should find you sexy anyway if he loves you.

I would tell him how much his pressure is damaging your self esteem. My partner isnt perfect by any means, but weather i've been slimmer or bigger, he always tells me I look good, he never tells he what I should be eating. He is one of these people who can eat anything and stay toned.. (DAMN HIM lol) however, he is diabetic so if nething I am the one nagging him on what to eat, simply cos I don't want him to be sick when he's older, not because i 'wouldnt fancy him' if he put on weight.

I hope whatever you choose to do it is the best thing for yourself. and good luck on your health journey.

PS- does he ever indulge? lol check his car for mcdonalds wrappers!! Jk x

When I was married to the father of my girls he was always on me about my weight after I had the girls. And believe it or not I only weighed 105 after the baby fat came off. He was constantly trying to control my life. And yes the control issue is why we are no longer married. Even my girls hate how controlling he can be. Now I am engaged to a wonderful man. I was 140lbs when we met. Over the 4 years we have been together I have gained 20 lbs. However, he says he still finds me as attractive today as the day we first met. He says its me that turns him on and not my body. He does say that men who only love women for their body are shallow. He keeps in shape himself and is very supportive in my endevour to get back to what I once was. I couldn't love him more for it too. I won't give you advice about what you should do, but know this I am much happier now than I was with my first husband.

If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?

yeah same for me id be gone in a heartbeat but i have seen what a marriage like this done to my mom my dad drove her into bulimia and alcoholisum just with constant saying she is to fat and ugly and stupid.

Also what puzzles me you said you lost 20 lbs since you met him and now you gained them back so you are at the weight when he met you and fell in love with you? I think he is just looking for a excuse and knows that your weight has been troubling you