Can you forgive a cheater?

SerenaFisher
SerenaFisher Posts: 2,170 Member
in Chit-Chat
So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?


My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.
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Replies

  • PaleoChocolateBear
    PaleoChocolateBear Posts: 2,844 Member
    I could forgive but I know once you forgive you truly have to let go and not bring that back up again because like you said the not trusting will cause a strain
  • ZozoMonster
    ZozoMonster Posts: 270 Member
    I couldn't. They'd be straight out the door. It'd prove there was no commitment and they abused my trust, simple as that.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,234 Member
    I don't think I could. I might want to, and try, but in the end, when we had a fight or I got mad or grumpy or resentful over anything else, it would creep back and add to it all.
  • bobbiboo24
    bobbiboo24 Posts: 44 Member
    My ex cheated on me about 2 years into our relationship. I tried to forgive and stayed with him for a few months after but bottom line was I couldn't forget. While he was drunk, he still chose to do what he did and I was humiliated and hurt.

    While people, like me, may try to forgive, usually the relationship will fail eventually...

    Also we all need to find someone that just won't do that to us! :)
  • milozara
    milozara Posts: 24
    Once a cheater always a cheater, If you take them back don't get mad when they cheat again!! :devil: :devil:
  • Abhishek1984
    Abhishek1984 Posts: 49
    Forgiving was easier for me , but forgetting is hard , my personal incident actually made me more insecure and scared or scarred :smile:
  • billd935
    billd935 Posts: 11
    Yes it is possible. Not easy, but possible. You have to first recognize that people sometimes make mistakes. Serial cheating not so much of forgiving or forgetting.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    To be totally honest, I think every situation and person is different.

    If, for example, my partner and I had a huge row one night, he stormed out, got drunk, slept with a woman, and then came back the next day and was immediantly honest with me and seriously regretted his actions, I think I could forgive. It may take a while to forget, but if the relationship is worth it and you are both prepared to work at it, then it is possible.

    If, for example, I found out that he’d been sneaking around and seeing a woman for ages and having regular sex with her, while lying about his whereabouts for months, then that s completely different and he can go eff himself.

    Note: neither of the two examples have happened to me, they are purely scenarios I pulled out of my head.


    I am aware I have a slightly odd view on cheating, but I do believe people make genuine mistakes that they are sorry for and deserve a second chance. I also don't believe in the 'once a cheat always a cheat' saying.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    I couldn't. They'd be straight out the door. It'd prove there was no commitment and they abused my trust, simple as that.

    This. The relationship would be over because the trust and respect would be DEAD. I think in time I'd eventually need to find forgiveness just for my own sake. I think holding onto anger is self-destructive. But I certainly wouldn't stay with a cheater, no. There's a big difference between forgiving and enabling. They'd be out the door for sure.
  • runner2runner
    runner2runner Posts: 1,937 Member
    I haven't been cheated on yet, but one thing that binds all relationships is trust. Trust is the foundation of a relation. Without it there's no hope of a relationship succeeding. And once it's broken, it can be near impossible to fix. If I was cheated on, I'd eventually forgive but I won't forget. As such, I don't think I'd stay in a relationship with someone who'd cheat on me. Trust will always be an issue and you can't be in a relationship where you're constantly second guessing everything your partner does. Always wondering what they're doing or who they're with. That's just not a good way to live. So if my girlfriend or wife cheated on, it's over, no discussion!
  • Momf3boys
    Momf3boys Posts: 1,637 Member
    After nearly 10 years of marriage I learned that my husband had been having an affiar. It was the absolutely WORSE feeling in the world. I tried to make it work, for the sake of my children and the fact that marriage actually means something to me, which is hard to find these days. I didn't get married to get a divorce. I went to counseling for a year and I learned that I could never move forward. There was too much that I learned in that time that I could never get over. I have forgiven him but I will NEVER forget. It's a hurt that doesn't just go away. It made me extremely depressed and my self esteem was GONE. I have been divorced now for 3 years and I'm engaged to be remarried. I don't believe that sleeping with someone is a "mistake"...even if you are drunk...you make your own decisions, and if it means that you decided to drink yourself into a stooper then you are responsible for your actions the follow. I don't wish the pain of betrayal on anyone.
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
    Sure I can forgive them. But the relationship is over. I will never trust the person again. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my mind.
  • summertime_girl
    summertime_girl Posts: 3,945 Member
    I think anyone can say whatever they want. But once you're faced with the situation, it might be a completely different story. Kids, length of time together, history, all play a part. I know some people who have come back much stronger from an affair. I also know some that have had their relationships decimated for a stupid one night stand. I can't give an across the board answer for this.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    I forgave one boyfriend for cheating on me, and after him dumping me for a younger girl(I was 19 at the time, he was 18), I found out he cheated on me more than just once. I shouldn't have forgiven him. I should have just ended it the moment I found out.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,234 Member
    I think anyone can say whatever they want. But once you're faced with the situation, it might be a completely different story. Kids, length of time together, history, all play a part. I know some people who have come back much stronger from an affair. I also know some that have had their relationships decimated for a stupid one night stand. I can't give an across the board answer for this.

    I have to say, the one of the most happily married couples I know survived not only cheating but a full blown affair with him getting one of her friends pregnant and her (the now-wife) unknowingly supporting the other woman through the termination, thinking it was the other woman's ex's. This was before they got married! She forgave, they get married about 10 years ago. So some people apparently can forgive and move on.
  • gerard54
    gerard54 Posts: 1,107 Member
    Never...
  • ashb811
    ashb811 Posts: 17
    So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?


    My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.

    Your answer is exactly true for me. My fiance cheated on me a few years ago before we were engaged. We're working thru it but it's a really long process and it's definitely not something I personally can forget. It's difficult but we're trying to move forward.
  • mareeee1234
    mareeee1234 Posts: 674 Member
    Never been in the position, but I can imagine that things would just never be the same again..?

    Which would, suck.
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
    I can forgive most things, even cheating. But I would never continue or return to a relationship with someone who cheated on me.And I refuse to play the "earning trust back" game because it never happens. I have never regretted leaving the men I left behind.
  • Celestialfairie
    Celestialfairie Posts: 134
    I have been cheated on before... and I'll admit... at one point I've even cheated on someone.

    From my personal point of view... if you're going to cheat, there's a reason that you're doing so. And that in and of itself should be a major sign of the health and stability of the relationship.

    I know that not many are willing to speak from this side. Because let's face it; cheating is wrong. No matter the excuse. And while it has been a looooong time I'm still not exactly proud of my actions.

    But I've since learned that if I'm in a relationship where I would even remotely consider anything with someone other than the person I'm with, drunken or not, then I shouldn't be in that relationship. Period. And that finally landed me in a relationship that is extremely strong and wonderful.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    For me, cheating is the ultimate betrayal. I also believe that someone will not do something when they are drunk that they wouldn't do when sober. To me, it's an unacceptable excuse to say that you only did it because you were drunk.

    My husband and I have been together for 23 years. Neither of us would cheat because we both aren't cheaters, plain and simple. Maybe he doesn't cheat because he knows that's my deal killer in our relationship, but I'm more inclined to think it's because he loves me and would never betray my trust in that way. He was in a 5 or 6 year relationship before we met with a woman who cheated on him pretty regularly. He never cheated on her. But he did finally leave her and that relationship.
  • fara180
    fara180 Posts: 1,260 Member
    i can forgive cheating, but i agree that a) you never forget it and b) there will be strain on the relationship because of the feelings of betrayal as well as the lack of trust. as a reformed cheater myself, i know how easy it is to make a mistake and get caught up in the "heat of the moment," and make a really stupid decision. that said, i think there 'is' a difference between a 1-time accidental cheat that you're genuinely sorry for and regret and an on-going full out fling or premeditated infidelity.

    personally, i could only forgive the first type of cheating. and when i say "forgive," i really mean "i will be willing to attempt to work things out with said cheater."
  • InnerConflict
    InnerConflict Posts: 1,592 Member
    I personally try not to make blanket statements about hypothetical situations.

    I also don't buy into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" nonsense.

    My answer to the question is "I don't know" and I hope I never have to cross that bridge.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    I agree that you can forgive, but not forget. Therefore, I would probably end the relationship because I'd always have it in the back of my mind.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    Forgive? Yes.
    Forget? No.

    That being said, cheat on me, the relationship is over.
  • usernameMAMA
    usernameMAMA Posts: 681 Member
    No. Drunk or sober. I could never delude myself into thinking it wouldn't happen again if the opportunity presented itself.
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
    I personally try not to make blanket statements about hypothetical situations.

    I also don't buy into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" nonsense.

    My answer to the question is "I don't know" and I hope I never have to cross that bridge.

    Pretty much this.

    There are a lot of complexities in these situations.
  • Zomoniac
    Zomoniac Posts: 1,169 Member
    My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.

    Pretty much this. I have a few exes who've cheated on me. Most of them I'm still very good friends with. I don't think it makes them a fundamentally bad person, and I wouldn't even suggest it was a guarantee they'd cheat again, but I know from experience that if I continue that relationship, even if it never happens again, my back will always be up and there will always be a nagging feeling of distrust and worry at the back of my head. People will make mistakes, not always vindictively, and I'm a forgiving person, but unfortunately I'm also a very jealous one, so whilst I don't hold it against them after the relationship has ended, it's a one strike rule from me.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    I also don't believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" I do think that people can change.

    It's a bridge I have not had to cross in my current relationship, and a bridge I hope I never have to cross.
  • iulia_maddie
    iulia_maddie Posts: 2,780 Member
    Cheating is cheating, no matter the circumstances. And I forgave once, it was a mistake, and it won't happen again.

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