Can you forgive a cheater?
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I AGREE.So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?
My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.
For those who said no, remember that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Those two are completely different words. Just because you forgave the person doesn't mean you put everything behind as if nothing happened. You can forgive a person but it doesn't mean you can wholeheartedly trust that person again. Of course not. The reason you forgive is simple: nursing an anger wouldn't do anything good on YOUR part. In fact it does the opposite. Remember that whether you forgive the cheater or not is none of his business. You can't simply move on with your life without letting go the past. Forgive while at the same time learning from that incident.0 -
I could forgive but never forget which I'm afraid altimitly ruins the relationship0
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I've been in this position an the answer is no no no no no no no no no, and why would you want to. I don't want to be someone's seconds, they should love and respect me that the thought of cheating would never cross their mind.0
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I've forgiven and been forgiven. I like to think that there aren't enough people I really like in the world and if someone messes up, I want to still keep them.0
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I've forgiven and been forgiven. I like to think that there aren't enough people I really like in the world and if someone messes up, I want to still keep them.
I agree. it's a miracle if i find someone i actually like so i'm more willing to forgive. I've cheated once so i'm more open to forgiving & forgetting because sometimes we do some stupid things without thinking. But once is a mistake, twice is a habit.0 -
Once a cheater, always a cheater. That does not fly.0
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A big fight is not an excuse to go out, get drunk and cheat on your partner. I could never forgive that.To be totally honest, I think every situation and person is different.
If, for example, my partner and I had a huge row one night, he stormed out, got drunk, slept with a woman, and then came back the next day and was immediantly honest with me and seriously regretted his actions, I think I could forgive. It may take a while to forget, but if the relationship is worth it and you are both prepared to work at it, then it is possible.
If, for example, I found out that he’d been sneaking around and seeing a woman for ages and having regular sex with her, while lying about his whereabouts for months, then that s completely different and he can go eff himself.
Note: neither of the two examples have happened to me, they are purely scenarios I pulled out of my head.
I am aware I have a slightly odd view on cheating, but I do believe people make genuine mistakes that they are sorry for and deserve a second chance. I also don't believe in the 'once a cheat always a cheat' saying.0 -
To me it would depend on two things, the nature of the cheating and the person she was cheating on me with.
I'd care a LOT less about a drunken "roll in the hay" than I would a creepy sneaking around type affair.
I'd also care a LOT less if the guy was legitimately really "hot". There are Victoria's Secret models that I would surely cheat with and I don't hold her to a different standard.
So, Brad Pitt after a few Cosmos - "Congratulations!", some creepy, loser guy that she's sneaking around with for 6 months? "WTF?"
But neither would end our relationship. We've been married 18 years - death is our only chance of escape at this point. 0 -
I always said I couldn't forgive someone for cheating, then it happened to me. It was A LOT of hard work but I did forgive my hubby but like everyone else said its the forgetting you cant get rid of. I still think about it 6 years later, and the thought still hurts. I know without a doubt if it happens again i'm gone, I wont put myself through all of that ^ again.0
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heck no!0
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Yes, but the person who forgives takes on that burden for the rest of their life. That is hell of it. Most people would rather fold up shop instead of working through it, which isn't bad or good.
It can be done, but it takes a lot on both parties counts.0 -
I think anyone can say whatever they want. But once you're faced with the situation, it might be a completely different story. Kids, length of time together, history, all play a part. I know some people who have come back much stronger from an affair. I also know some that have had their relationships decimated for a stupid one night stand. I can't give an across the board answer for this.
Unfrotunately true.0 -
I am going through this as we speak. My husband of 11 years has cheated and I tried to work through it for the past 7 months. I now know I can never trust him again. I do not want to spend the rest of my life always wondering and feeling second best. I also do not want my daughter to think it is ok to be unfaithful and break vows that were said in front of God. I have always said I would leave if it ever happened to me and I was right...I choose to be respected...I choose to be number one.0
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You can forgive a cheater, but, statistically, they are still going to cheat on you again. If you think your cheater is the exception, you are probably wrong.
Both parties can learn a lot from the aftermath, but, unfortunately, they are most likely to benefit from that knowledge in subsequent relationsships.
Life is too short. Cut your losses and move on.0 -
I haven't been cheated on yet, but one thing that binds all relationships is trust. Trust is the foundation of a relation. Without it there's no hope of a relationship succeeding. And once it's broken, it can be near impossible to fix. If I was cheated on, I'd eventually forgive but I won't forget. As such, I don't think I'd stay in a relationship with someone who'd cheat on me. Trust will always be an issue and you can't be in a relationship where you're constantly second guessing everything your partner does. Always wondering what they're doing or who they're with. That's just not a good way to live. So if my girlfriend or wife cheated on, it's over, no discussion!
Couldn't have said it better myself. :drinker:0 -
Yes it is possible. Not easy, but possible. You have to first recognize that people sometimes make mistakes. Serial cheating not so much of forgiving or forgetting.
Agree. Especially if you've been in the relationship for a really long time, and things have had their ups and downs. You can rebuild after infidelity. It isn't easy but it can be worth it.0 -
Forgiveness is always possible even in worse situations. http://theforgivenessproject.com/stories/jean-baptiste-ntakirutimana-rwanda/0
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Yes, trust was and still is very very hard to build again with anyone in my personal experience. I did not stay with the person and they continued to cheat on each person after that, which one can't really be too surprised at.Forgiving was easier for me , but forgetting is hard , my personal incident actually made me more insecure and scared or scarred
If I can/t trust someone, what is left there to the relationship?
drunk or sober cheating? What difference does it make?? Commitment is commitment in my book.
Cheating is beyond stupid and no I don't agree that we all "DO IT". I have no words for the bolded part of your statement... it simply, is well, stupid words that were typed. Because you've cheated you now have some inside knowledge of how cheating works and are an expert for both sides???I've forgiven and been forgiven. I like to think that there aren't enough people I really like in the world and if someone messes up, I want to still keep them.
I agree. it's a miracle if i find someone i actually like so i'm more willing to forgive. I've cheated once so i'm more open to forgiving & forgetting because sometimes we do some stupid things without thinking. But once is a mistake, twice is a habit.
:huh: How exactly does one not cheat without thinking A lot goes into having an affair, it's not simply a mistake made by some mysteriously action. :noway: :indifferent:
It's emotional and then turns into physical (each person involved making that decision consciencely), a thought is one thing following through with the thought and decide to do it anyway is something completely different. Because when you follow through you hurt many ppl involved through your selfishness..0 -
I'm Italian and Mexican...he'd be lucky to get out alive.0
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then the question is raised... is it cheating if you're asked to do it by the S.O., then you do it again without asking.....0
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My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.
I forgave and he cheated on me again, a few years later. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It did strain our relationship and it was very hard for me to trust him ever again. I should have left him the first time it happened. What's that saying: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."...0 -
I was cheated on recently, it was the second time by the same person, I forgave the first time, never threw it in her face, but I don't think I could forgive anyone again, 1 time is more than enough for me to say goodbye now.0
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Yes, trust was and still is very very hard to build again with anyone in my personal experience. I did not stay with the person and they continued to cheat on each person after that, which one can't really be too surprised at.Forgiving was easier for me , but forgetting is hard , my personal incident actually made me more insecure and scared or scarred
If I can/t trust someone, what is left there to the relationship?
drunk or sober cheating? What difference does it make?? Commitment is commitment in my book.
^^^^^^^^^0 -
I'll forgive her. .I'm very forgiving. . but only after I dump her. . I'm not staying with a cheater ever.. .ever again, and I've learned from brutal experience that forgiving a cheater is a doormat move that simply exonerates the cheater for her (or his) misdeeds. . . nope. bye bye. . and uh. . don't forget your stuff. . it's out in the street.0
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I am going through this as we speak. My husband of 11 years has cheated and I tried to work through it for the past 7 months. I now know I can never trust him again. I do not want to spend the rest of my life always wondering and feeling second best. I also do not want my daughter to think it is ok to be unfaithful and break vows that were said in front of God. I have always said I would leave if it ever happened to me and I was right...I choose to be respected...I choose to be number one.
I am so sorry that you're going through this. I, too, was cheated on and tried to work it out even 2 years into our separation. We are now in year 4 of our separation with the divorce now with the courts. We were involved in ministry and even counseled couples in crisis! You can't make it work unless the cheater is truly repentant, and in my case, he wasn't. My daughter and I are doing fine now! I just don't think I'll ever be able to trust another man for I trusted my husband COMPLETELY.0 -
I'll forgive her. .I'm very forgiving. . but only after I dump her. . I'm not staying with a cheater ever.. .ever again, and I've learned from brutal experience that forgiving a cheater is a doormat move that simply exonerates the cheater for her (or his) misdeeds. . . nope. bye bye. . and uh. . don't forget your stuff. . it's out in the street.
YES YES and YES!0 -
then the question is raised... is it cheating if you're asked to do it by the S.O., then you do it again without asking.....
If the S.O. approves it is not cheating. If you do it again without the lines being drawn clearly that it is okay, it is cheating.0 -
Wow. Almost my story exactly! Relationship failed because I couldn't forget, but because I was able to forgive we've still been friends for the past 20 years. Seriously weirds out my sister....My ex cheated on me about 2 years into our relationship. I tried to forgive and stayed with him for a few months after but bottom line was I couldn't forget. While he was drunk, he still chose to do what he did and I was humiliated and hurt.
While people, like me, may try to forgive, usually the relationship will fail eventually...
Also we all need to find someone that just won't do that to us!0 -
I don't think I could. I might want to, and try, but in the end, when we had a fight or I got mad or grumpy or resentful over anything else, it would creep back and add to it all.
What they said0 -
Here's what I think.
You cheat on me,
You LOOSE me.
There is no reason to cheat. I would rather dump someone/ be dumbed than leave them wondering or be left wondering... all the questions:
How long has this been going on?
Why would this happen?
Why would you do this?
Who knows?
Why...?
on and on...
Maybe once they feel that pain, forgiveness is possible.. but to take them back? be taken back?
I would hope there is more respect then that on both sides.0
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