Can you forgive a cheater?

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Replies

  • silhouettes
    silhouettes Posts: 517 Member
    I know from experience.. a close friend of mine that you can forgive them if you really love them but it is never forgotten and the trust is never completely earned back. It came come back, but there is always doubt.

    You have to REALLY love someone to be able to get past that, but it's possible.

    She told me it took them a good few years to be able NOT to bring it up everytime they argued, but they are getting there slowly and it gets easier with time as does everything.

    The thing that kept them going she said was that he wasn't like most men when they get caught. He didn't deny it and he didn't get mad whenever she brought it up, cried, wanted to talk or demanded to know where he was or checked his emails. I know most men would be out the door in a second if a girl did that to them, but he knew he did wrong and they really did love each other, so shrugs.. she's an inspiration to me!

    Oh and it helps to have good friends to talk to.. or so she told me.. glad I could help her, /cheers.

    As for worse if they are sober or drunk no clue.. the same I guess, I don't think you'd do something or someone if you realy didn't want to even if you were "drunk".
  • tonybalony01
    tonybalony01 Posts: 613 Member
    I'm on the fence on this one, but I think it can be done.
    A few years ago, after a few drinks, I cheated on my beloved when I ate an entire Hershey milk chocolate bar. It wasn't just a little nibble or a single little piece. It was the entire bar.
    You see, dark chocolate and I have been in a pretty serious relationship for years, even before the recent fad of dark chocolate being better for you and full of anitoxidants and all that stuff.
    After much soul searching, a tearful apology and many acts of proof that I would never again go back to milk chocolate (I searched the entire house for milk chocolate and threw away everything I found...three times, just to be sure), my first love took me back.
    It does get a little awkward sometimes when the holidays or Valentine's Day come around and those Hershey's milk chocolate commercials come on. I know I've been forgiven, but I don't know if it will ever be completely forgotten - by either of us.
    We're still happy together and I have been faithful to my beloved dark chocolate ever since that one lapse of judgment.
    Hope you find an answer to your question.
  • bbl2013t
    bbl2013t Posts: 49 Member
    yes, of course. they just wanted to have fun, i can't blame them for that, i have been cheated on and cheated many times, people make it into something huge when it is barely anything.
  • runner2runner
    runner2runner Posts: 1,937 Member
    Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Cheating essentially breaks that trust and once it's gone, the relationship is over, it doesn't matter how much you still "love" each other. Without trust, a relationship is as good as dead.

    I can forgive if I'm cheated on but resuming the relationship is a different story altogether.
  • pinkraynedropjacki
    pinkraynedropjacki Posts: 3,027 Member
    I forgave. It almost killed me at the time..... really almost killed me & if I ever catch up with the woman I'll kill her easily. But yeah for a while it was hard, now 2 years later & things are better than ever.

    Guess it depends on how strong your relationship is.
  • WeightHacker
    WeightHacker Posts: 260 Member
    I could forgive but I know once you forgive you truly have to let go and not bring that back up again because like you said the not trusting will cause a strain

    agreed
    also, it depends on how strong the relationship. and how badly both wants to make it better.
    if not id say take a hike.

    still forgiven and forgotten and letting it go.<3
  • DessyDemi
    DessyDemi Posts: 171 Member
    No
  • selmafeki
    selmafeki Posts: 48 Member
    hell no, never.
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
    Yes, life can be hectic with children, 2 jobs, bills, running a business. Sometimes when you finally have a chance to take a breath and look around....things aren't the same as they were. Can you just bail? Not without serious repercussions. Can you discuss and move on? Yes. Does it work? If you both want it to. Do you forget? Probably not.
  • berriboobear
    berriboobear Posts: 524 Member
    In terms of having the same level of trust that I require in a relationship, it wouldn't be the same. I don't condone any type of cheating, and I think that using "drunk" is an excuse.

    And no, I wouldn't forget.
  • squatsandlipgloss
    squatsandlipgloss Posts: 595 Member
    There's no reason for anyone to cheat, unless they WANT it. Whether you have a fight, you're drunk, knocked the f out, whatever. Cheating is cheating and if you truly love someone and want to be with that person for the rest of your life, you simply will not put yourself in that position, it is really simple.

    So no, I would definitely not forgive.
  • Dratskat
    Dratskat Posts: 1
    I always said I would be gone. 5 years ago he has an affair for almost a year and was busted before he ended it. And I suspect that's the only reason he did. He told her a lot of intimate things and that he loved her. We are still together. Ratio ship will never be the same. Love is lost. Respect is gone. He won't do counseling but the threat of his children not being in the same house or state has kept him straight and narrow. You can forgive for yourself but the unanswered questions and lack of respect and lying destroy the relationship whether they seem Sincere on working it out or not. You will never forget and never be able to knock the images and whys out of your head. They were family friends and she had the balls to come to my daughters bday party and sit in MY kitchen while this was going on. Still trying to figure out why I'm hanging on till my kids are grown.
  • JefferyArnold
    JefferyArnold Posts: 1,479 Member
    Yes.

    With a caveat, what was the reason or circumstance behind it. In order to forgive, we have to talk it out and sort out the root for the indiscretion.
  • wolfsbayne
    wolfsbayne Posts: 3,116 Member
    nope, it's a deal breaker for both me and my fiance.
  • wolfsbayne
    wolfsbayne Posts: 3,116 Member
    Jesus, who was ridiculed, beaten, spit on, tortured, had nails put in his hands and feet, along with thorns on his head said on the cross: Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

    If he can forgive them, I can forgive a cheater. I'm just not going to be in relationship with them, that's all.

    Perfectly said!
  • csmullins78
    csmullins78 Posts: 61 Member
    My motto: Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it sure changes the future!

    Yes, I have forgiven cheating... No, I don't hold any resentment. However, the dynamics of our relationship have changed significantly. I have zero tolerance for even the smallest lie or omission.

    Now, I have to say, had it been any other man but this one, I would not have stayed in the relationship. But, that's the thing... every situation is different. Some people are worth the heartache, hard work, and commitment. Some people aren't.
  • wildrose53
    wildrose53 Posts: 1,342 Member
    My ex husband cheated on me for the better part of our marriage. We've been apart now longer than we were married, but I'm not sure I ever forgave him. I just found out a couple of weeks ago that he's been cheating on the woman he cheated on me with. I LOVE karma!
  • 4804lisa
    4804lisa Posts: 3
    I recently found out my husband cheated on me!!! We were a month from a holiday of a life time in Florida with our kids, I had saved for 3years!! I was the worker he was the stay at home dad and doting hubby (or so I thought) I had a feelin he was flirting with someone on Facebook, so while I was at work I logged onto his Facebook on my phone!! What I saw in private chat shocked me to the core......he was having phone sex with a women, and remembering what they had done at her house a few days earlier,!!! I confronted him, he confessed to 2 women he was cheating with!! A lot of arguments but I thought I could move on, but it ate away at me and I would not let it drop......well a week later after me naggin and naggin he let slip there were more.......5 in total 1 I work with and 1 was my best mate of 35 years!! Total devastation.......I tried to take the easy way out!!!! Which was wrong!! We did go on the holiday for the kids,!! But what the future holds now I don't no, I'm not the forgiving time!! And everyday I make him pay for it, I don't forgive and I won't forget.......
  • benefiting
    benefiting Posts: 795 Member
    I have forgiven but I have serious trust issues because of it and other things that have happened.
  • somefitsomefat
    somefitsomefat Posts: 445 Member
    Only if assuming the person is not also a pumpkin eater.
  • dawnsjourney
    dawnsjourney Posts: 80 Member
    Nope. Been there done that. There are some deal breakers. Violence. Cheating. Drugs. I'm outta there.
  • benefiting
    benefiting Posts: 795 Member
    I recently found out my husband cheated on me!!! We were a month from a holiday of a life time in Florida with our kids, I had saved for 3years!! I was the worker he was the stay at home dad and doting hubby (or so I thought) I had a feelin he was flirting with someone on Facebook, so while I was at work I logged onto his Facebook on my phone!! What I saw in private chat shocked me to the core......he was having phone sex with a women, and remembering what they had done at her house a few days earlier,!!! I confronted him, he confessed to 2 women he was cheating with!! A lot of arguments but I thought I could move on, but it ate away at me and I would not let it drop......well a week later after me naggin and naggin he let slip there were more.......5 in total 1 I work with and 1 was my best mate of 35 years!! Total devastation.......I tried to take the easy way out!!!! Which was wrong!! We did go on the holiday for the kids,!! But what the future holds now I don't no, I'm not the forgiving time!! And everyday I make him pay for it, I don't forgive and I won't forget.......

    Wow! I'm sorry to hear that. I couldn't even imagine how hard that must be. Especially that your best friend betrayed you like that! You deserve so much better love. A better husband and a better best friend!
  • somefitsomefat
    somefitsomefat Posts: 445 Member
    And everyday I make him pay for it, I don't forgive and I won't forget.......

    It can be just as hard to collect a debt as it is to pay one. Be careful about this mentality.
  • Gearjammer71
    Gearjammer71 Posts: 151 Member
    I like to think that I forgave my ex, but I am not certain. I harbor no ill-will towards her, but I know who she is and what she's made of, now. I have zero respect for her, and could never ever trust her again. Does this count as "forgiveness" or just being done with a situation?
  • sunnshhiine
    sunnshhiine Posts: 727 Member
    If, for example, my partner and I had a huge row one night, he stormed out, got drunk, slept with a woman, and then came back the next day and was immediantly honest with me and seriously regretted his actions, I think I could forgive. It may take a while to forget, but if the relationship is worth it and you are both prepared to work at it, then it is possible.

    Well, this is just insane.

    If the above happened then it would mean I was dating an immature boy, not a man. Someone who runs off, gets drunk, and sleeps with someone else because he got in an argument is emotionally unstable for a serious relationship. Go take some space, think about it, talk it out after everyone cools down -- but for God's sake, don't run around like a drunken sleezeball and sleep with the another person.
  • sunnshhiine
    sunnshhiine Posts: 727 Member
    Jesus, who was ridiculed, beaten, spit on, tortured, had nails put in his hands and feet, along with thorns on his head said on the cross: Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

    If he can forgive them, I can forgive a cheater. I'm just not going to be in relationship with them, that's all.

    Perfectly said!

    This.
  • mjterp
    mjterp Posts: 650 Member
    tried forgiveness with my first husband...we lasted another 8 years...he is currently married to his last affair (good riddance) I KNOW of the first and the last..unsure if there were any in between...but the suspicions are there. Forgive...yes, that part is for MY sanity. But I am kind of thinking that because I did forgive him the first time it made it "ok" to continue "She will forgive me again..."

    SO...I have a zero tolerance policy now that I would encourage all to have. YOU are worth more than that...drunk or not, if s/he loves you and truly values the relationship, s/he won't do ANYTHING to jeapardize it. (yes, this is meant to be gender neutral...women and men both.)
  • CEThornton
    CEThornton Posts: 45
    i cant.... some people may file my reaction under "cutting my nose off despite my face" but my dignity and self worth are more important to me than someone trashing my trust
  • Kerilynnda
    Kerilynnda Posts: 129 Member
    Such a tough subject :

    I definitely think that once the trust is broken each person needs to put 150% back into the relationship, but most times the cheater already has ‘checked out’ and isn’t willing to put all that effort into it. If both people can get over the initial shock and put the effort into building a healthy relationship, then it might work.

    First off if you cheat while you’re dating or engaged – WTF?! – you don’t have any ‘ties’, you clearly aren’t the right people for each other.

    Cheating when married is a little different I think – unfortunately some people have a lot to lose if they get divorced. Or their partner may fight the divorce process etc.

    There are so many different circumstances for cheating there is no blanket answer to this question.

    My thoughts in my marriage right now: If he were to come to me, admit his fault, ask for forgiveness and put 150% effort into proving he is trustworthy… I might consider taking him back. (dumb as that may sound). If I were to find out by some other way… DONE deal – he’s out the door.
  • goalss4nika
    goalss4nika Posts: 529 Member
    Prolly NOT! If you didn't appreciate what you had then why should I allow you to hurt me again.
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