Overbearing mother causing obesity

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  • Bridgetthegre
    Bridgetthegre Posts: 85 Member
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    Tell your boss to hang up. Seriously, you can make excuses all day, but if you want things to be different YOU will have to change. Find a therapist. And if that one doesn't help, find another.
  • SidsMom80
    SidsMom80 Posts: 97 Member
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    I did had therapy when i was young. My mom sent me to a psychologist. The doctor said my mother is the problem.

    My mother will never admit she has a problem, she has a high superiority mentality, she thinks she's better than everyone else and she's perfect in every way. My mother acts like a total Princess without having no credibility to being one.

    She relies on her boyfriend's wallets to survive. They treated he like crap and were abusive to me and she stuck with them because his wallet is more important than me. She is so prissy, she refuses to work more than 30 hours a week and cant hold jobs for very long. I always worked hard busted my butt and always kept my jobs and moved up the ladder, it angers me when she knocks on my door to beg for money. I always think because she needs money for her lunch at work, but she comes back from IKEA with a stupid uselles LAMP SHADE! WTF??? She does this because she spent all her money, her bf is tired of paying everything for her and she wont take more hours at work to get more money. She is healthy, she has no health problems; she's just a lazy Princess.

    I dont need this drama in my life.

    Im sorry about your brother, i hate familly drama and fights. But at least you can live peacefully!

    Thank you.

    I also agree with the other posters about meeting in a public place. I Would also suggest getting your key back, and maybe changing your locks so she doesn't come and go inside your house without your permission (I can't recall if you stated she did this, but just in case). You are allowed to set your own boundaries, and if she stomps and throws a fit, then let her throw her tantrum. Stay strong, don't cave, and it'll get easier.

    She's a grown woman, who should be able to take care of herself. If she chooses to let men take care of her, and they get tired and she doesn't have money to shop....well that's her problem. She has a job, and she can work just like you do.

    I know it's hard for you. If you never enjoy time with her, then cut her off. Ignore the text, and calls, and drop bys. You're in control of your life now, don't let her hold more power over you.

    My therapist helped me with pulling away from my brother, and keeping him out when I felt guilty. If you do seek therapy and they aren't giving you proper advice to fulfill your goals, then quit and find another. Therapist are like blind dates sometimes it takes a couple bad ones to find the one you really like.

    {{hugs}}

    :flowerforyou:
  • SairahRose
    SairahRose Posts: 412 Member
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    Seeing a counselor would probably help you work through effective strategies.

    That said, she isn't changing. The counselor won't tell you how to change your mother. I don't know her, but she probably does love you. She is who she is. Your only real choice is to change your reaction.

    Locking yourself in your bedroom is probably not the most adult response. Your mom came to help. Her idea of helping is to roar around the house and do things. You are upset because you feel she didn't accept your need to sit and look at dogs. She probably feels the same way about you not accepting her need to do things.

    Define your contact with her on adult terms. If she comes over unannounced, either don't answer the door or tell her now isn't a good time, give her a time and day that would work for you, and shut the door. I'd imagine she'll throw a fit. That's her choice. Your choice is whether you react to it by having your own tantrum, or become an adult and go on with your life.

    Regardless of what you do, your mom is not going to become the person you want her to be anymore than you're willing to become the person she wants you to be. Stop feeding into the drama. Stay calm. Redefine your part of the relationship by your choices,

    I agree with this. I don't know your situation, and sadly can't help beyond my thoughts rather than experiences . That being said, I do feel that if it's getting you down to this point, then you do have to start thinking about how YOU wish it to be.
    I hope that you find some way of working through your situation to make it work for you *hugs*
  • gypsyrose64
    gypsyrose64 Posts: 271 Member
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    ...

    I tried to seperate from my mother.


    When i dont answer my cell phone or reply her texts, she calls my boss at work and asks him to tranfer the call to me.
    I told her not to call at work for non emergencies.
    She ignores me.
    She calls for "small talk"
    This makes me look bad at work, i dont like it. Its crossing the line right there.

    I cant escape her.
    If i dont answer, she harasses me at work.
    She'll get me fired!

    SHE DOES NOT LISTEN.

    It's called a restraining order here in the states. My best friend had to get one against her nutcase mom, and then she finally 'got the hint'. If it takes that to get some separation, then it's what you gotta do.
  • kellymbock
    kellymbock Posts: 25 Member
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    I have struggled with my parents a lot with my parents. Threpry really helps. You could also write a letter to your mom to sort out your issues. Good luck!
  • FrenchCanuck
    FrenchCanuck Posts: 60 Member
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    i never gave her a key.

    sometimes i leave the door unlocked when im doing stuff around the house and she comes right in...
    if locked, she knocks on the door and stays there until i open it.
  • rkcampbell
    rkcampbell Posts: 188 Member
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    Tell your boss to hang up. Seriously, you can make excuses all day, but if you want things to be different YOU will have to change. Find a therapist. And if that one doesn't help, find another.

    ^^^^ This! Tell your boss that you understand this is inappropriate and not to put through the calls. It's not that difficult.
  • MaryJane_8810002
    MaryJane_8810002 Posts: 2,082 Member
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    No offense but I would tell mom to step. It seems as if she needs you more than you need her. Get the puppy and get some counseling and I think you will be alright,they are both forms of great therapy.
  • rkcampbell
    rkcampbell Posts: 188 Member
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    i never gave her a key.

    sometimes i leave the door unlocked when im doing stuff around the house and she comes right in...
    if locked, she knocks on the door and stays there until i open it.

    Then let her stay there....
  • SidsMom80
    SidsMom80 Posts: 97 Member
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    ...

    I tried to seperate from my mother.


    When i dont answer my cell phone or reply her texts, she calls my boss at work and asks him to tranfer the call to me.
    I told her not to call at work for non emergencies.
    She ignores me.
    She calls for "small talk"
    This makes me look bad at work, i dont like it. Its crossing the line right there.

    I cant escape her.
    If i dont answer, she harasses me at work.
    She'll get me fired!

    SHE DOES NOT LISTEN.

    Wow! Maybe talk to your boss. Let them know that you have told your mom repeatedly not to contact you at work. (This way your boss doesn't think you're the one encouraging these small talk calls) If she calls the boss, I would ask him to tell her that you are not allowed any personal calls at work, and that she will have to call your cell, and make sure they do not transfer her to you.

    This of course depends what your relationship is with your boss, and how much you'd be willing to disclose.

    If all else fails, tell her you got a new job and you aren't going to give her the name or number info, have your boss say you don't work there anymore
  • rainbowbow
    rainbowbow Posts: 7,490 Member
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    You need to go to therapy and learn some skills on how to handle these situations. Point blank your mom is her own person and regardless of what you say she is going to do what she wants to do. I've done exercises in therapy (grew up in a similar situation) where you write out a letter with all your feelings. Everything.

    Mail it. Don't mail it. Burn it. Just get it out. It will help you get a better perspective on your feelings.

    At this point, it sounds like you're dealing with abandonment issues, feelings of worthlessness, not being her idea of "perfect". These are things you need to work through in therapy. They aren't going to change unless YOU change them.

    That being said, you aren't fat because of your mother. You're fat because you choose to eat poor/high calorie foods. Simple as that. Just as someone who medicated with pills, alcohol, etc. you're medicating with food. YOU make that decision. And guess what? this means you can also choose NOT to eat those foods.

    What if I told you you're acting like your mother by blaming others for your perceived defects?
  • SidsMom80
    SidsMom80 Posts: 97 Member
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    ...

    I tried to seperate from my mother.


    When i dont answer my cell phone or reply her texts, she calls my boss at work and asks him to tranfer the call to me.
    I told her not to call at work for non emergencies.
    She ignores me.
    She calls for "small talk"
    This makes me look bad at work, i dont like it. Its crossing the line right there.

    I cant escape her.
    If i dont answer, she harasses me at work.
    She'll get me fired!

    SHE DOES NOT LISTEN.

    It's called a restraining order here in the states. My best friend had to get one against her nutcase mom, and then she finally 'got the hint'. If it takes that to get some separation, then it's what you gotta do.

    This might be something you have to do if nothing else works. Again a therapist can help you come to terms with making this kind of decision if that's what you feel you need to do.
  • H_Jack
    H_Jack Posts: 48 Member
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    therapists dont know what im going through, they can only give me adivce on what they learned in books back in school to study for their degree or fill me up full of medication.

    Then you are seeing the wrong therapists! Wanna know something? They're people, too! And many of them have gone through "hell and back" which may be, in part, a motivating factor for practicing therapy.

    At any rate, you are here venting. People have constantly let you know that it sounds like the relationship you have with your mother is unhealthy to the point of being toxic. You're contributing to the toxic relationship by staying the victim. Don't. Find the strength to distance yourself and get into therapy.
  • snowmoon13
    snowmoon13 Posts: 165 Member
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    Your overbearing mother is not causing your obesity your reaction to her is...

    You want her to to be different she more than likely will not change! You on the other hand have a good shot at a happy life. As suggested seek help if individual therapy is not for you try group therapy from my experience with disordered eating I found the group setting with others in varying stages of recovery very helpful..

    Vent when you need to however when suggestions are offered do not be so quick to dismiss them.. Remember you asked for advice..

    There is a great old movie Now Voyager with Betty Davis watch and learn..

    I truly wish you all the best ...
  • FrenchCanuck
    FrenchCanuck Posts: 60 Member
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    " Tell your boss to hang up. "
    " This! Tell your boss that you understand this is inappropriate and not to put through the calls. It's not that difficult. "

    Its not that difficult?
    omg im sooooo stupid! Why didnt i think of that????

    My boss doesnt know if the call is stupid small talk or an emergency. he was just trying to be courteous.
    I thought myself it was an emergency - how the hell am i supposed to know its her just wanting to chat while i work?


    "No offense but I would tell mom to step. It seems as if she needs you more than you need her. Get the puppy and get some counseling and I think you will be alright,they are both forms of great therapy. "

    I told her to step off since im old enough to remember.......


    " sometimes i leave the door unlocked when im doing stuff around the house and she comes right in...
    if locked, she knocks on the door and stays there until i open it.


    Then let her stay there.... "

    I DID.
    If i dont answer, she calls my phone and texts me.
    This is called psychological tourment.

    ==============

    Some of you talk like this is easy. Its not. You havent been tourmented for years. I DO NOT HAVE anymore psychological strength to deal with her anymore. I am at the end of my rope. When youre hanging by a ledge by your hands for so long, after while you dont have strength to lift yourself up anymore. Im not superwoman. I dont have limitless strength and power. Im human. Everything you guys said ive tried - she doesnt listen and she still stalks me and harrasses me when i ignore her. I could try therapy again, but i dont have to money for it right now.
  • rainbowbow
    rainbowbow Posts: 7,490 Member
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    therapists dont know what im going through, they can only give me adivce on what they learned in books back in school to study for their degree or fill me up full of medication.

    Then you are seeing the wrong therapists! Wanna know something? They're people, too! And many of them have gone through "hell and back" which may be, in part, a motivating factor for practicing therapy.

    At any rate, you are here venting. People have constantly let you know that it sounds like the relationship you have with your mother is unhealthy to the point of being toxic. You're contributing to the toxic relationship by staying the victim. Don't. Find the strength to distance yourself and get into therapy.

    Agreed completely! Also sounds like OP is confusing a therapist and a psychiatrist.

    Wallowing in self pity, not taking steps to change anything, and expecting things to get better? It doesn't work like that. The comment that therapists don't know what to do to help sounds like denial.
  • SailerSiren13
    SailerSiren13 Posts: 51 Member
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    I have an overbearing, dominant and narcissistic mother and that's just the highlights. I have not had any contact with her since 2004 when she had a complete meltdown when my then 8 year old daughter told her "no". The meltdown included telling me she was going to kill herself and it was all my fault. She had also threatened my baby girl. This is the abridged version but after that my husband and I said enough cut her out of our lives permanently. (it helps that we have moved a lot) My life is so much better and healthier without her in it. She didn't even know i had a second child. You may have to do something drastic such as move a few hours away but you need to be healthy inside and out. You are not alone if you need a friend please feel free to friend if you need an ear.
  • angelac1296
    angelac1296 Posts: 48 Member
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    I understand your desire to "vent" on MFP ... it probably feels good to put your feelings into words. And you also get some positive feedback from the MFP community.

    BUT ... if you really want to improve the situation:
    1) You need to get into cognitive behavioral therapy. Find a therapist! There are many talented therapists who can be helpful. It will take time though. It's not a quick-fix.

    2) Minimize your contact with your Mother. She's not going to change. You need to change.


    And your Mother is not causing your obesity ... take responsibility ... you are causing your obesity ... by medicating yourself with food (which is a common response to stress).
  • CoderGal
    CoderGal Posts: 6,800 Member
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    That really sucks, and I really wish you didn't have to experience any of that. But the thing that causes obesity is eating to much. Not sugar, carbs, or mothers. People have been through much worse, and have a very different perspective then you do, and are not looking to blame things on others. Not that I can't sympathise with you, that's a rough situation. But don't play victim, or you'll keep being one.

    I'd suggest taking things into your own hands, your food, your mind, and your mother. Getting therapy like others have suggested may be a great idea.
  • hablondi
    hablondi Posts: 127 Member
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    I agree with the people who say that you need to seek counseling. I also highly recommend buying and reading the book Boundaries. It is all about setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life. I have had to do this with family members, as well. It is not easy, but the pay off in mental health and well-being is priceless.

    I allowed myself to be dominated and controlled for years by my mother. It wasn't until my boyfriend (who is now my husband) said, "You are just like a battered woman who keeps going back to her abuser. You are in an abusive relationship and you need help." that I finally saw how bad things were and decided I needed to do something to make our relationship healthier.
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