Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

First, I will confirm that everyone I know who ever stopped smoking gained some weight at first. It's real. It's true.

To address this, I think the first thing that has to happen is an attitude adjustment- - -yours. If you are judging and rejecting him, it is going to show even when you may be selective in the words you use to talk with him. He can feel how you feel about him. And it amplifies all of the insecurity he feels about himself. I, too, encourage you to consider what you DO still love about him so that you can remind yourself and him to highlight those qualities rather then the ones you don't like and with which he is struggling right now.

I think the second thing that would help him would be for you to recognize that the way you manage weight may not work for him. Invite him to so something you know he likes. Maybe he'd like to take a walk with you- - -and hold your hand. Or go for a swim before the pools all close- - -with you hanging close by so everyone knows he's your man.

He has an obligation to accept and work on himself. But you really can affirm his effort by accepting and appreciating him as a work in progress with some qualities that are good and others that need work- - -as we all are.

leave him, it's the only way

yes, i gained an extra 40 pounds in 2 years after i quit smoking!

First, I will confirm that everyone I know who ever stopped smoking gained some weight at first. It's real. It's true.

To address this, I think the first thing that has to happen is an attitude adjustment- - -yours. If you are judging and rejecting him, it is going to show even when you may be selective in the words you use to talk with him. He can feel how you feel about him. And it amplifies all of the insecurity he feels about himself. I, too, encourage you to consider what you DO still love about him so that you can remind yourself and him to highlight those qualities rather then the ones you don't like and with which he is struggling right now.

I think the second thing that would help him would be for you to recognize that the way you manage weight may not work for him. Invite him to so something you know he likes. Maybe he'd like to take a walk with you- - -and hold your hand. Or go for a swim before the pools all close- - -with you hanging close by so everyone knows he's your man.

He has an obligation to accept and work on himself. But you really can affirm his effort by accepting and appreciating him as a work in progress with some qualities that are good and others that need work- - -as we all are.

For 10 years, I was just like your husband. I gained a crazy amount of weight and was in complete denial about how fat and unattractive I had become. My husband has always been very athletic and in great shape, so I know it could not have been easy for him to be with me when he probably wasn't physically attracted to me at all. He did everything he could to encourage me to be more active and healthy, but I always had an excuse as to why I couldn't exercise or why I needed to eat more. Nothing he could have said or done would have made me want to lose weight. I had to want it for myself. It took me 10 years to get there, but once I finally set my mind to it, I worked my *kitten* off and made it happen.

Keep encouraging your husband to be more active and make better choices. Keep leading by example and he'll come around. It will take lots of patience on your part, but it will happen!

Argh, sadly I am in the same boat - husband hides himself under long sleeve shirts all summer and it is upsetting to me to see that he obviously isn't feeling good about his physique and doesn't want to do some stuff because of that.

This has been a bug bear for a while. I don't bring in junk food and I request that he doesn't bring junk food into the house (so that I don't eat it). But he does and I think he also hides some of it (going by the empty packages in the trash).

He is really quite sensitive about it and I have tried approaching it from all the angles I can think of - telling him about books I have read and leaving them about for him to read, letting him know what I am doing eating wise and trying to arrange for us to sit down to meals together instead of eating in front of a computer/tv screen - but after plenty of disagreements, barbed comments and hurt feelings I figured the best thing I can do is try to lead by example.

Just trying to force the issue will make him feel resentful and you feel like a frustrated nag. No one wants to be the person watching what someone else is eating.

Now you have expressed your concern, it is matter of keeping schtum and waiting it out until he starts asking what you are doing that is making you happy, confident and energetic. It is a loooooong game. Luckily you have the rest of your lives to play it.

Sometimes it fcuks me right off, though.

leave him, it's the only way

agreed

Better to tell him your concerns than just up and leave him one day.

He might need some help or tips about sorting himself out, but give him a fair chance first.

If he doesn't do it after a reasonable amount of time then there's no point being with someone you're not attracted to anymore

I feel for you, I do. Part of romantic love is physical attraction, and anyone who denies that is deluding themselves. Yes, personality plays a big part, but it can't completely override biological impulse. Nor should it have to.

This. Physical attraction is important. But you also can't control what you find attractive. Unfortunate but true. Unless you can talk to him and find some sort of middle ground, I feel leaving him would be best.

I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.

I feel so bad for your husband.

I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair. This is clearly more than just a superficial issue, as the OP stated. When a person is out of control, using food in unhealthy ways, unable to change habits or unwilling to do so, it's more than just an "oh, that's icky" situation.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a body builder, and have not met my goals yet, but I bust my *kitten* daily to get my workouts in, to eat right, and to work towards those goals. It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.

Thank you for going to bat for me. Without a doubt this stems from a true concern for his health. On a cosmetic point; I only mention that he himself is not happy with the way he looks and for that I also raise my concern. Its hard to see the people we love feel this way and I definitely want to help them. Good luck you you Becca.

Everything your saying is great and true but when it comes right down to the root of it, you can not change someone that isn't willing and ready to change themselves... My family watched over the better half of a decade while I slipped deeper and deeper into severe depression and continued to suppress my emotion with food til I was all but trapped in our home with severe social phobia and depression for over 2 years and had eaten myself to 560 lbs. My family tried hard over those years with interventions and trying tough love but every time they pushed on me, all it did was piss me off and made me resent them for it because even though I was hurting inside I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem so I viewed all there intervention as them having the problem not me... It wasn't until the thanksgiving before I start my journey back (in May of 2009) that I was sitting in my recliner working on my 6 plate of food that I heard laughing and joking and I looked up from my plate and realized my family was all out in the other room having fun and enjoying each other company... You see they had tried for so long that they had finally excepted the fact I was probably going to eat myself to death and the only thing left to do was love me from a far and go on with life... It was at that time that the light started to come on and I realized everything I was taking for granted and that was the first time in years that I truly felt all alone... the same thing happened again at Christmas and by May of that next year I had hit rock bottom and it was then I admitted I had a problem to my family and they all stepped up to the plate to help me. I would have never made it back from the depth's that I had created had they not been there when I was ready to do this of my own free will.... Especially my Best Friend and Love of my Life, My Wife..... She stood by my side patiently praying and hoping for me over all those years.... That is why I tell anyone that will listen that you can not change anyone, it has to be their decision and theirs alone and the best thing you can do is just "Lead by Example" it isn't the answer anyone wants to hear but I promise you it is the only thing you can do.... Best of Luck

Just break up.

my wife looks like shes 8 months pregnant, i get asked all the time, when is she due? for some reason I don't care, i love her no matter what, i really love the belly she has. she complains sometimes, i just tell her i think she is amazing the way she is and i am crazy about her. and i truly am, we have an amazing love life.. could care less if she was 300 lbs... yey there is a health concerns, thats life, she is very intelligent and knows the health risks, she doesn't need me preaching at her.

I do find the title of this post to be superficial.

It's one thing to be truly concerned for your spouse and then saying he's turning you off.
Every relationship is different, but no matter what my husband looks like he will always be sexy to me. Because I love who he is inside, not the outside. I would have him try seeking profession help, maybe a dietitian or a counselor. But like any addiction, HE has to want it, not you reminding him, or telling him he should do it. And if you have said it here that he's a turn off, I pray you've never conveyed that in person to him. All that does is make him depressed more, which in turn makes him eat. Good Luck.

Listen to Ed - he always has the best insight, knowledge and advise on these boards. Good luck to you and your husband.