Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off
Replies
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It will get to the point where you will be eating separate meals.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, depending on the reasons for it. My wife has several dietary restrictions due to fibromyalgia; there's lots of stuff that she can't eat. Sometimes we eat the same meals, but she's so much more restricted than I am, and I have other dietary needs that she doesn't have, that we often cook two totally different meals.0 -
This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.
When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.
Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January
It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.
I agree about the sex. If he feels unwanted by you, he will be depressed and unmotivated. Knowing that you want to have sex with him frequently, at anytime, expected that it will happen, unexpected of when. He will feel good and motivated in a lot of ways that extend into his life and he will start to see himself as a sexual being and will feel more motivated to be fit for a lot of internal reasons.
I think it's ok to seek advice, but what if her husband gets on board and even decides to join mfp and then someday he sees this. Maybe she will be over it by then. Relationship issues are transient, message board posts on the internet stick around.0 -
I'm vegetarian and my SO isn't. We eat completely different dinners. Also, I leave work at 3:30 and he gets off at 6, so I have usually eaten dinner before he even gets home.It will get to the point where you will be eating separate meals.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, depending on the reasons for it. My wife has several dietary restrictions due to fibromyalgia; there's lots of stuff that she can't eat. Sometimes we eat the same meals, but she's so much more restricted than I am, and I have other dietary needs that she doesn't have, that we often cook two totally different meals.
It hasn't affected our relationship in the least.0 -
My now husband quit smoking and gained weight as well. I did find the excess weight a little unattractive. Call it superficial if you want. However, I realized that if I was going to grow old with this person that I would have to take the good with the bad. I was patient with him. I also changed my eating and exercise habits. Now, he's actually taking steps on his own to be more healthier. He's not going to make the decision to lose weight and practice healthy eating and fitness habits until HE is ready. All you can do right now is encourage him, and let him know that you love him.0
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Sadly, you can only do so much for your husband. He's gotta hit his "rock bottom" and only then will he make the changes he needs to make. Just keep doing what you're doing....loving and encouraging him.
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Have you suggested working out and losing weight together? My husband and I are losing weight together. When your husband wants bad food suggest a healthy alternative. Saying your husband is turning you off isn't the best way to go about it when he is your husband. If my husband ever thought or said that about me it would break my heart, not motivate me.0
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This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.
When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.
Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January
It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.
I agree about the sex. If he feels unwanted by you, he will be depressed and unmotivated. Knowing that you want to have sex with him frequently, at anytime, expected that it will happen, unexpected of when. He will feel good and motivated in a lot of ways that extend into his life and he will start to see himself as a sexual being and will feel more motivated to be fit for a lot of internal reasons.
I think it's ok to seek advice, but what if her husband gets on board and even decides to join mfp and then someday he sees this. Maybe she will be over it by then. Relationship issues are transient, message board posts on the internet stick around.
This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:0 -
I never comment on most posts, but this one stood out to me based on the title. It broke my heart for him. It sounds like we are dealing with more of an immature marriage than anything. Marriage is not temporary and so the current state of his body does not give you a ticket out (the suggestion of many here - not necessarily your words). My husband never once mentioned the hideous hanging skin on my stomach after I gave birth to our 9 lbs son - and I love him for that. He never once told me to change the way that I ate or suggested I join a gym. He simply began asking me to walk after dinner with him and began helping with the grocery shopping. You have every right to address what you are feeling but you have to do it in love. If I opened my hubby's laptop and saw the title of this and that he was telling people publically that I "turns him off" I would be heartbroken. I imagine most people would be.
^^^agree^^^ Also IMO it's easier for him to lose weight than for you to fix being shallow.0 -
This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.
When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.
Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January
It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.
I agree about the sex. If he feels unwanted by you, he will be depressed and unmotivated. Knowing that you want to have sex with him frequently, at anytime, expected that it will happen, unexpected of when. He will feel good and motivated in a lot of ways that extend into his life and he will start to see himself as a sexual being and will feel more motivated to be fit for a lot of internal reasons.
I think it's ok to seek advice, but what if her husband gets on board and even decides to join mfp and then someday he sees this. Maybe she will be over it by then. Relationship issues are transient, message board posts on the internet stick around.
This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:
I did not mean what I said in a go put on an apron and please your man (although I happen to love when I have time for that). I don't care if you are man, woman, gay, straight or whatever. If your partner is feeling body conscious and worried that you are unattractive to them, and in turn making more bad choices because they're feeling down, sex helps! I don't mean you put on an act and do what you think they want. I mean really show them you care. Show them that you still find them sexy. Show them they're wanted.
I speak from experience when I say that negative reinforcement doesn't work. You will just push the other person away if you make them feel like they have to change for you to be happy with them.0 -
I agree about having more sex! My bf is very sensitive and can be insecure about his weight/attractiveness, and the only thing that really convinces him that I still love or want him is having sex! Because I know how sensitive he is, I would never say anything to him about his weight, but I find that both my bf and our kids are more aware of what they are eating when I am eating healthily and talking about my choices. Cooking for him, making packed lunches etc. also makes a difference and is subtle enough to not make him feel like I am trying to change him, I'm just being considerate. We are now working out together, and it's a great help for my motivation as well! :happy:0
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This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.
When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.
Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January
It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.
I agree about the sex. If he feels unwanted by you, he will be depressed and unmotivated. Knowing that you want to have sex with him frequently, at anytime, expected that it will happen, unexpected of when. He will feel good and motivated in a lot of ways that extend into his life and he will start to see himself as a sexual being and will feel more motivated to be fit for a lot of internal reasons.
I think it's ok to seek advice, but what if her husband gets on board and even decides to join mfp and then someday he sees this. Maybe she will be over it by then. Relationship issues are transient, message board posts on the internet stick around.
This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:
The 1950s, 2013 style, are awesome. You win.0 -
You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
What??? Have we time warped back to the 1950's? Don't forget your pearls and high heels when you meet him at the door after work with his bourbon. Seriously.
This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:
I think she missed the point and approached it a little narrow mindedly. IMO that is exactly what Husbands and Wives are to each other.0 -
@neplainjanepa. Do a lot of PRAYING!! God may be the only one who can change his heart and mind. If he is willing to get some counseling, that would be great, too. I would say he has a serious problem. Keep doing what you are doing for yourself. Don't get sucked into his lifestyle. Your are looking great girl!!0
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You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
^^^This I love this...what a great reminder for us wives, thank you 0 -
I do have to agree on you being somewhat superficial but aren't we all to some extent. On the other hand just because you have decided its your time to shine OP this does not mean that your husband has reached this point in his life..it took me 37yrs to realize this..All you can do is lead by example and be a positive role model...he may or may not jump on this band wagon and in all honesty..everyone has different attractions in the end just as you don't find his weight gain an attraction he may not find a super fit woman an attraction....its just life....communication is key.0
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You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
What??? Have we time warped back to the 1950's? Don't forget your pearls and high heels when you meet him at the door after work with his bourbon. Seriously.
This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:
I think she missed the point and approached it a little narrow mindedly. IMO that is exactly what Husbands and Wives are to each other.
Yeah, I think the other poster misunderstood the meaning and intentions behind what you were saying. She interpreted it to mean something very specific (but was jumping to conclusions), and didn't listen when you tried to clarify. Or maybe it was two different people, I don't know.0 -
You cannot change anyone, but yourself. It is up to him to want to change. An inside job for sure. Stand by your man, and continue to take care of what you can change...yourself & your attitude towards the situation.0
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@neplainjanepa. Do a lot of PRAYING!! God may be the only one who can change his heart and mind. If he is willing to get some counseling, that would be great, too. I would say he has a serious problem. Keep doing what you are doing for yourself. Don't get sucked into his lifestyle. Your are looking great girl!!
You're assuming the OP believes in your god.....0 -
@neplainjanepa. Do a lot of PRAYING!! God may be the only one who can change his heart and mind. If he is willing to get some counseling, that would be great, too. I would say he has a serious problem. Keep doing what you are doing for yourself. Don't get sucked into his lifestyle. Your are looking great girl!!
You're assuming the OP believes in your god.....0 -
My hubby eats like crap when I am not around and has a cute round beer belly. I use HIS weight room more than he does. But Oh that man of mine is so freakin' sexy anyway!! Love Your husband. Make Love as often as possible!! Don't loose sight of why You married him. As soon as You see Your husband rip off Your clothes and let him gaze upon Your beautiful body and then give it to him like it's the very first time You did it. It burns calories too!!0
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I have to ask was you a bodybuilder when you first met? If not he's most likely being turned off by your changes. No matter what anyone says no man wants to be weaker than his female partner it's a egotistic thing for a male to be the dominant one in any relationship.
Maybe there's other issues as to why he's gaining weight, He could be depressed or just unhappy at work etc..
Imo instead of going gung ho you should have a sit down and find out what's actually bothering him and then go on to support him in whatever he wants to do.
I do get the impression though that you're controlling and he's under constant scrutiny.0 -
I have been in your situation before, with an ex-boyfriend. He was already about 35 lbs overweight when we started dating but throughout our seven-year relationship he gained weight to the point where he was a stone's throw from 300 lbs at 6'1". I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me; I wasn't turned off so much by the physical changes but by the lifestyle changes that went with the weight gain...he'd binge on food, play video games for hours on end, drink to excess, smoke and then complain about how dissatisfied he was with his body. I'd encourage him to eat healthier meals, I'd pack his lunches for him when he asked me to give him healthier options and I frequently encouraged him to get exercise. But in the end, nothing really worked because he wasn't ready to lose weight for himself.
I also gained weight during our time together, to the tune of 30 lbs and while I'm sure he noticed, he never ever said a thing about my body for which I am very grateful, as that would have crushed me. I can only imagine your husband would feel the same if you were to tell him his weight gain was a turnoff so I'd advise not to go there. You may just have to accept that there is really nothing you can do about this situation...he absolutely HAS to want this for himself and do what it takes to get it. You can encourage and support him when he reaches that point but until he does, anything you say or do to nudge him in that direction will only be seen as nagging and he will resent you for it. It sucks, but sadly, this is the reality of relationships...the two of you didn't cease being individuals when you got married and you can't control what he does/doesn't do about his weight no matter how much it frustrates you.
That said, if he does continue to whine about his body and how dissatisfied he is with it, I see nothing wrong in telling him that he can either choose to do something about it or learn to live with it. Obviously, in a less harsh way, lol.0 -
I feel bad for your husband...0
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You've got a lot of perspectives here and I'm not sure that I have any advice for you but thought I would mention my experience with quitting smoking in case it's of help. I smoked on and off for about 20 years, but when my dad ( who was also a smoker) died after a years' long bout with heart disease I saw the writing on the wall and stopped for good. It was extremely challengiing, not because of the physically addictive nature of nicotine, though that was hard as well, but because as I experienced my life post-smoking I started to realize that I had used it as a stress-coping behaviour. In effect, I had to learn to cope with all the situations where I had used cigarettes before by developing new stress-busting stategies. One crutch I used successfuly was to chew gum rather than turn exclusively to food or candies, but that alone did not stop me from gaining some weight. I don't know how long it's been since your husband quit smoking, but he may be dealing with this issue by stress-eating and if so junk food may be filling this need. Of course, if he could recognize this (if indeed it is a factor for him) he might be more willing to do things that de-stress him, like walking, playing sports, listening to music, meditation, or anything else that gets him away from the table and makes him feel good. It should be his choice what these things are and he will need trial and error to find out what works best for him. Someone else mentioned depression and that is also somethhing that he might explore -- it often presents in sneaky ways. And I'd like to mention that gaining excess weight usually goes along with decreased self-esteem; that's not unusual in the least. Anyway the best to you and him -- I hope you find a way to communicate your caring to him and he accepts it in the loving way I think you mean it. I wish the best in health and happiness to you both.0
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I posted on this forum to receive some true insight.
Then remember that a person must motivate himself. You cannot do it for your husband. You can help with menu planning, ask him to go for a walk with you or to the gym (friendly, non-competitive workout session)., etc. He has to do it for himself.
Also I have found that posting like this on mfp is like blood in the water for sharks. You don't attract the type of responses you want. You may want post comments like this on your mfp home rather than as a post in the thread. Unless you need motivation, then don't ask how to motivate someone else.0 -
I understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend has gained some weight over the course of our relationship and it does worry me some. The thing that bothers me the most is his own attitude. He is still extremely attractive to me and I love him to death. It hurts that he can't see that himself and it hurts more when he walks away disappointed after weighing himself. What is frustrating is that only hours after feeling down about himself, he will want to eat pizza or wings or some other unhealthy concoction. I just don't understand.
With that out of the way, I have had success in motivating him. Pestering him and trying to get him to do things I thought he should do, like join a gym or find a way to track the food he eats, failed every time. I have found the most success in offering him encouragement. And, by encouragement, I mean telling him as often as I can how great he looks to me, how much I love him and want him to be with me for a lifetime. IF the topic of weight or weight loss comes up, I tell him I could care less about his weight and only want him to be healthy so I can have him for as long as possible.
I join him with physical activities that he enjoys - biking is his favorite thing. Sometimes, I use that to motivate him to do other things. I'll tell him I know a great DVD or machine at the gym that might help him perform better riding the bike. I tell him I want him to be safe and make sure his muscles are balanced so he doesn't hurt himself.
Positivity works, but it works slowly. You are more or less trying to help him find out what makes him feel happy and alive. Being bigger than he wants to be does not make him happy and there are things he can decide to do to change that. You have to use what you know already makes him happy as a way to motivate him to have a healthier lifestyle.0 -
You can't change someone or do all the hard work for them you can only talk to them and guide them if they want it.
I hope you mean't that his attitude to life currently was turning you off rather than his body as that would be pretty unkind. I had a bf say that he no longer found me attractive because I'd gained weight and to be honest it just made me more depressed and I looked to the fridge for comfort. I was so hurt by his words that we eventually broke up and I found someone who loves me through fat and thin (but hopes I won't get rid of all my wobbley bits hehe).
Ultimately only he can decide when the time is right to tackle his problems and too much interference and pushing may just push him further away from you. Many people on this site have tried to diet many times before but without the success they hoped to achieve, simply because they weren't able at the time to fully put their hearts and minds into losing weight. Something has to click in an individual that, 'now is the time'. Hope you get my meaning as I'm not sure I put it across very articulately.0 -
I think i could be that he is a emotional eater. or maybe he see's your dedicated to your fitness and eats out of a attempt to get your focus off of weight lifting, or he is trying to feel a void. I can eat really bad sometimes when i feel stressed.. High amounts of carbs and sugars give you a kinda high.. maybe he is so used to a relaxed feeling or that kinda high and now when he eats alot he gets the same feeling but through a different means. Or he is self distructive.. cuz smoking is bad for your health and weight gain can be bad as well if it gets out of hand. just random thought of what it could be of course. Good luck:)0
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I did not mean what I said in a go put on an apron and please your man (although I happen to love when I have time for that). I don't care if you are man, woman, gay, straight or whatever. If your partner is feeling body conscious and worried that you are unattractive to them, and in turn making more bad choices because they're feeling down, sex helps! I don't mean you put on an act and do what you think they want. I mean really show them you care. Show them that you still find them sexy. Show them they're wanted.
I speak from experience when I say that negative reinforcement doesn't work. You will just push the other person away if you make them feel like they have to change for you to be happy with them.
so you're saying to lie.
she doesn't find him sexy... i get it sex = more sex = more feelings of sexy... but really... "don't put on an act- don't fake it- but fake it because you aren't turned on"
that's the point- SHE DOESN'T"T still find him sexy- that was the whole point. <<Facepalm>> seriously. facepalm. you're telling her to lie to him- which is fine- but don't say "do it honestly and really mean it" because that's the whole point of this.0
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