Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off
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^thisYou are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.0 -
What if there was a way to include him in some physical activity without the physical part of it being the main goal. For instance, is there a nearby hiking trail that leads to something like a beautiful view of the city, a waterway, or some historic landmark? Bring a camera and say you want a pic of the two of you with a certain backdrop at the top of the hill. That way, doing it together isn't about the hike (to him), but about the destination to keep him focused and getting there and not quitting. I think with his resistance, the gym is the worst place to take him. Even if the best you can get him to agree to is walking around the zoo or museum. Bike rides to a particular destination, kayaking. My friend and I used to find streams with a pretty good current and race each other upstream. It was exhausting. Say you want to go for a walk and hold hands and need him to entertain you.
My ex-husband is very thin. When we met, he was nicely cut, but quit lifting right after we got married. His frame is so tall and thin, I couldn't help it, but finding him attractive felt morally wrong, like lusting after a 12 yr old boy. Needless to say, our sex life dwindled down to once a year and then nothing until I finally filed for divorce. Physical intimacy is what keeps a spouse from becoming a roommate. I don't know what more I could have done to save my marriage, but I tried every suggestion I was given. Hopefully, you've gotten some that will work for you.0 -
What I see in this thread are lots and lots of triggered emotions about how weight/fitness levels can impact how we see others and how insecure we can be about our own bodies [read, "oh, my gosh...I gained more weight...will I still be loved?']. And, while it's charmingly altruistic to read from some how they love their spouses no matter what (the "what" being an unhealthy weight or lifestyle), that's not germane to this issue Yes, we might still love the other person, but that doesn't mean we respect their choices or want to share their current path. The OP was honest about where she was coming from and albeit harsh, it's reality.
OP - you've already read the reminders that you can't make someone change. Tis true. But sometimes, you can make them want to change and help them find the tools they need to do the work - in your case, loan him your tools when/if he comes around...BUT we're right back to your original question of what to do? If you can separate your need to have him change (no judgment here) long enough to discover why he's given up and key into what he's thinking (we'll call it his stinking thinking because no one in their right mind wants to be overweight and unhealthy), you'll have a good shot at helping him. Call it a little intervention without the threats. Get my drift? In other words, while I totally get where you're coming from, you won't help him if you're focused on what YOU need him to do for you - you need to help HIM see what he's doing to himself and in a way that doesn't further alienate him from you or reality. Could it be he's had an unsuccessful attempt at "dieting" in the past or maybe he's under the impression that losing weight/improving health is a really hard job when, in fact, it doesn't have to be that painful. Maybe he just needs to see the act of change in a different light...
Wishing you the best.0 -
The weight gain is a symptom of something else - perhaps he is eating because of stress or anxiety.
People tend to eat their stress.0 -
Leave him, judging from your disgusting attitude towards him, he'd probably be better off. Honestly, if my wife decided to air this problem public I'd dump her on the spot. If you made the title of this "Husband is gaining weight, and he needs help." that would be a different story. Hook up with another bodybuilder, then when you realize hes cheating on you go ahead and reminisce about the husband you could of had but didn't deserve. People like are you are the reason people are self-conscious about their weight. I feel terrible for him.
because all bodybuilders cheat?
WTF dude.
No people are self conscious because they KNOW they aren't where they should be and they are insecure. People will ALWAYS talk about other people.
Nope. I have told ALL of the men I have dated if they come out looking like their dads (most of them have been extremely over weight) then I was done with them. Most of them haven't taking working out with any sort of seriousness- always excuses. I Do'nt have time for someone like that.
It's really nice that people love people as is- it shows how unconditional love *can* be... but the reality is- we all draw the line somewhere- there is always a line someone is willing to put up with and someone else isn't.
WHO ARE YOU to decide what the line is for someone else? There are things I will tolerate- that you won't. I won't tolerate a fat person- where as I will tolerate beer drinking and rabble rousing... you might be just the opposite. Must be a really s%%tty glass house you live in with all those stones you throw.0 -
Leave him, judging from your disgusting attitude towards him, he'd probably be better off. Honestly, if my wife decided to air this problem public I'd dump her on the spot. If you made the title of this "Husband is gaining weight, and he needs help." that would be a different story. Hook up with another bodybuilder, then when you realize hes cheating on you go ahead and reminisce about the husband you could of had but didn't deserve. People like are you are the reason people are self-conscious about their weight. I feel terrible for him.
Oh my god, overreact much? I don't understand why people are giving OP such a hard time for posting on a forum about this. So what was she supposed to do, talk to her family and friends about it? IMO, THAT would be airing their dirty laundry in public. Would you rather she sit on her feelings and not talk about it to anyone? Excellent, sounds like a wonderful recipe for a healthy relationship. I'm happy so many virtuous people exist on this thread who love everything about their significant other all the time....great for you, gold stars and cookies all around. But the rest of us are human and consequently, flawed. OP is not perfect in her reaction to her husband's weight gain but it is obviously a distressing issue for both of them and I get the sense she is trying to be understanding and figure out how to help him along in his efforts.
Sheesh...tough crowd.
You get the sense she is trying to be understanding by fat shaming her husband on an online forum by telling everyone shes turned off by him? Doesn't sound like shes trying to encourage him at all, in fact shes more likely doing the exact opposite. Instead of sitting him down and talking about ways they could reform his weight for fear of health risks, she decides to go online and tell an entire forum that her husband is getting fatter and turning her off. Not once in her post did she even mention his health. If my significant other did start gaining weight, that would be my first concern. What are we suppose to say to her? I honestly do feel bad for him, knowing that the woman he loves is going online and telling entire group of people that shes turned off by his weight gain, instead of sitting him down and talking it over with him like adults. She came off as a shallow person who cares more about how her husband looks than how he feels. that's probably the source of many of these negative reactions to this disgusting post.
Read her first post again. She HAS spoken to him about it and it apparently has gone nowhere. It's pretty understandable why she'd be feeling frustrated at this point.My husband and I have had conversations about this, and I have conveyed my concerns and yes have been honest. I told him that I see how self conscious he is.
I agree that her first post doesn't convey any concerns she may have about his health and yes, it does read a little shallow. My point still stands though; your post was needlessly vitriolic and crucifying her for an understandable if superficial reaction to his weight gain is a tad much. Looks aside, can you imagine how frustrating it must feel to be with someone who has clearly expressed his dissatisfaction with his appearance and is at a point where it is significantly impacting his self-esteem but who won't do anything about it? No one's patience is endless and I get the sense she's at the end of the rope. So she's not handling or reacting to it in the most sympathetic way...doesn't mean she's the awful person you're already decided she is.
And to call her post disgusting is also an overreaction. Distasteful, maybe but certainly not the horrible act you're making it out to be.0 -
I love this! This is a point of view that definitely needed to be added
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I love this! This is a point of view that definitely needed to be added
I was attempting to quote another post....disregard this newbie....! :laugh:0 -
It seems like the OP posted this topic and nothing else from her. I hope she is reading some of the good, sound advice given. Otherwise, we are all discussing someone else's issue without any input from the OP.
I married my hubby 15 years ago. We have been together for 18 years. We both have been super skinny as well have gained weight. I love him regardless as he does me. He makes me laugh. He is smart. He is the best dad I could ask for our twins. He is my best friend. and loves me for me. I could not wish for anything better.0 -
I feel so bad for your husband.
I hope you are able to be less superficial.
Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair.
Seriously, wtf.
Superficial would be just turning him loose, this is anything but. Jeebus.0 -
Ditto for me...my husband is around 80 pounds overweight - too much beer and a pack a day - and now our 17 year old daughter is walking down the same path!!! I have simply given up on my husband and have completely stopped making any sort of suggestion regarding his health or appearance...oddly, we seem to be happier in the long run. He is going to do what he wants and there is NOTHING I can say or do to change his mind so butting heads was painful.
My biggest worry is over the daughter - at 4'9" she has recently put on an extra 15 pounds (and on her frame that is nearly 3 pant sizes) this summer and actually CRIES when I try to explain better choices...what the !@#$ am I DOING to her??? The same freaking thing my bodybuilder dad did to me! How in the heck do you help your child without making a bigger mess that what is already there - The sins of the parents, etc...sucks.0 -
I don't know if this has been suggested as there are just way too many responses to go through...
My husband has made some amazing progress since I got him a FitBit.
He loves gadgets, it links to his phone, he can see throughout the day how he is doing 'movement' wise. he even loves that it tracks his sleep.
It has inspired him to park farther away, walk around the building at work, up and down the stairs, etc. At the end of the day he will even go out and get those last 2500 steps in if he's shy for the day just because. LOL
He's had multiple surgeries over the years due to a motorcycle accident two decades ago that has left him with plates and screws in his arm and leg, plus last year was a total knee replacement at 43 years old, so he is definately no stranger to hardcore physio and weight training.
This FitBit has upped his NEAT activity in a nice simple way and he loves the 'competition' with himself. Plus he thinks it's a riot when it tells him that 'he rocks' and such. He also loosely logs in MFP for a general idea of what he's eating now.
This has all given him an 'awareness' that I don't even have to talk about with him. We've just agreed to do the Primal Blueprint 21 day challenge and started yesterday. I cook and shop so he is really good at eating whatever I put in front of him. Otherwise, he knows where the kitchen is. LOL0 -
I feel so bad for your husband.
I hope you are able to be less superficial.
It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.
YES! My hubby is lucky he does not gain weight... so he has no "outside" motivation to change. He drinks nothing but MT Dew all day, hardly gets enough fiber... He already has digestive issues, and is still a smoker (I quit about 6 months ago). I worry about all the health issues he will face in a few years if he doesn't make a change....0 -
my 2 cents, keep doing what you're doing for yourself and he will eventually follow. everyone has their own timing. suggesting things to some people doesn't fall in line with their personality type and they may not receive it, some people are more open.
just know it's something he battles with and as his wife and friend you have every reason to constructively point out things he can change, that's right. i don't want people in my life who can't help me grow. just know when to lean in and when to pull away.
good luck 0 -
Sounds like he is depressed. He needs to figure out why and change things up.0
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You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
or...
You can't do it for him. Don't even try. You will just be nagging. Part of being a good partner is taking care of yourself for the sake of the partnership. If he's not doing that he's not holding up his end. Be supportive but don't let him shirk his responsibility to your shared life. Sounds like you are doing your part.
Aaahhh!! Why does soapboxing feel so effing good?0 -
KUDOS to him quitting smoking because that is one habit that is hard to quit, but i know you feel concerned for him because you are looking at him from your view point but look at it this way, lets flip the script *how would you feel if you was gaining weight and an emotional eater ( cause most likely he is too) and your husband being a body builder got on MFP and told the world how you aren't turning him on anymore, wouldn't that make you feel like the worlds fattest woman?* instead of taking him to see someone start off slow with a walk in the park, dance with him, rock his world in the bedroom do some things that gives him confidence, take him to a pool and jump around and have some fun. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him you are going to learn how to spice up life a bit.0
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I really want some pizza and wings right now.0
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As much as we don't want to pretend it's true, romantic love IS conditional.
This is so true. If this wasn't true, we would be happy with arranged marriages, or we would just marry the first person who was interested. Why do marriages happen in the first place (in non-arranged arrangements)? Mostly it's because two people were attracted to each other to begin with. There is also a lot tied up into appearances. It's not just that someone gained some weight. There is something else going on, and it's usually some kind of emotional or mental hang-up based on self esteem, motivation, or self-control, etc.
I have a similar situation with my husband. We kept talking about how we needed to lose weight. He kept telling me that all he needed to do was go walking a few times a week and not eat ice cream. Three months later, I've lost over 20 lbs and he's lost nothing. And I can see it is killing him, yet he won't do anything about it. It's like he has an emotional hang-up that is crippling him from taking action. He knows that I've researched about fitness (not that I know everything, but enough to get the job done), am busting my @ss almost every day, counting calories, changed my eating habits, etc. I have talked to him a lot. Sometimes very eloquently and sometimes I've been a bit mean-spirited out of frustration (and yes, I am ashamed of that).
And I am reading your topic title as in "turning you off" mentally, not just sexually. And I get it. When you have done all the work and paved the way for someone and want to help them, and they just ignore, avoid, reject, or even get upset that you're trying to motivate them for the better, it stings. It makes you wonder if they are rejecting you. So there are two sides to this coin.
But I am at the point where I am seeing that nothing I say or do is making any difference. I think what it comes down to is-- how important is this in your life? Do you have other significant things that you share together-- other interests and activities? Or is fitness and a healthy lifestyle a major part of your life where you can't see sharing your life with someone who isn't on the same page with you in that area? It's really hard when you start out married and enjoying similar interests, and then things change and one person changes for what seems to be the better while the other person can't or won't get on board. I'm sure there are lots of psychological reasons this happens-- fear of the unknown, fear of failure, not caring, etc. But as some people don't think you are being fair to your spouse by asking them to change, how is it fair that your spouse wants to continue living in an emotionally and physically unhealthy way that drags you down emotionally as well?
I know for me, I've decided that only time will tell what happens. I'm not exactly thrilled with the situation I'm in. I do hope we can come to some common ground eventually, but I know there could be a point when I'm ready to move on if we just don't have anything in common any more. It comes down to the fact that we just can't change anyone but ourselves, and we either have to accept the other person or move on at some point.0 -
Having been in your husband's shoes, it saddens me.
I have always been heavy and after I got married gained even more weight after having children while my husband became leaner, toned, and healthier. I was embarrassed just standing near him due to thoughts of what others would think as well as the comments others would make. It took years to finally make it click for me. I have been working on myself for me and my family as they want me around for a long time. Through past attempts and failures, my husband has been my shoulder to cry on and through this success has been my biggest cheerleader.
I am thankful that I married such a wonderful person that does not only love me for superficial reasons but because of common interests such as music, gaming, etc., our love for traveling, and our common goals to help others through charity and the helping professions. We have been together 12 years, married 10 years, love each other inside and out and he would love me at 150 or 300 pounds and I him.
Think about it and good luck to you.0 -
I don't know if this has been suggested as there are just way too many responses to go through...
My husband has made some amazing progress since I got him a FitBit.
He loves gadgets, it links to his phone, he can see throughout the day how he is doing 'movement' wise. he even loves that it tracks his sleep.
It has inspired him to park farther away, walk around the building at work, up and down the stairs, etc. At the end of the day he will even go out and get those last 2500 steps in if he's shy for the day just because. LOL
He's had multiple surgeries over the years due to a motorcycle accident two decades ago that has left him with plates and screws in his arm and leg, plus last year was a total knee replacement at 43 years old, so he is definately no stranger to hardcore physio and weight training.
This FitBit has upped his NEAT activity in a nice simple way and he loves the 'competition' with himself. Plus he thinks it's a riot when it tells him that 'he rocks' and such. He also loosely logs in MFP for a general idea of what he's eating now.
This has all given him an 'awareness' that I don't even have to talk about with him. We've just agreed to do the Primal Blueprint 21 day challenge and started yesterday. I cook and shop so he is really good at eating whatever I put in front of him. Otherwise, he knows where the kitchen is. LOL
Brilliant! Proactive behavior at its best!0 -
My advice is to go back to some old fashion family values when it comes to food. In the uk we have a saying "a family that eats together stays together". Making time to eat meals together with no distraction like TV, at a table gives time to put life in order. You will be closer and you can take control of when he eats and what he eats. It's hard in a busy would but I know getting up 15 minutes earlier and having breakfast together is a great start.
I've never heard that saying before!0 -
Is the OP's title superficial? Maybe a little.
Is it unreasonable. No
Is it uncommon? I don't think so.
I think we all have to remember sometimes that we human beings are, in fact, human animals. Romantic love is mostly a human being thing. Physical attraction is very animal, instinctual.
As human animals we are wired to select mates who will be capable of assisting our survival, producing offspring, and ensuring the survival of those offspring. A mate who appears to be physically fit is desirable because he conveys the ability to physically complete the act of mating as well as the ability to provide protection and sustenance for his mate and their offspring. He also appears capable of maintaining his own survival so he can continue to assist his mate throughout child rearing and beyond.
A fit male is more likely capable of hunting down a meal to share with his mate when she is physically burdened with the task of carrying the fetus and nursing the infant. He appears more able to help fight off threats from predators, help to find and/or create shelter from the elements, look after the child when mother has her own survival tasks to complete, and demonstrate all these things for the offspring to learn, thus ensuring their continued survival.
We human beings often get so wrapped up in our superior thought processes that we forget some of our "superficial" feelings can't be helped because they're biological, not intellectual.
That said, I wish I had some useful advice, but I ended up on this thread because I'm in the same situation and looking for some guidance. I'm almost tempted to simply leave this thread open on the laptop for him to find, but I know that would be just as harsh a blow to his ego and self confidence as simply blurting out to his face that his growing gut is grossing me out.
I guess what I'm taking from this thread is that our best bet is to continue leading by example, standing by their side, reinforcing healthy choices with encouragement, and loving them for all those human emotional and intellectual reasons while they find their own motivation to care about themselves as much as we do. It's a such a multi-faceted problem for us human beings, there is no animalistically simple answer.0 -
This thread is over a year old, he probably left her by now.0
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This thread is over a year old, he probably left her by now.
I hope he has. I haven't read the whole thing but he deserves way more than a self absorbed person. It's what is inside that counts.0 -
When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that.
He's right, though. He has an "addictive personality" as the layman might call it. He needs to deal with the underlying issues creating this addiction. I expect he quit smoking through the usual means which didn't involve looking at the underlying issues - or they were not properly addressed.0 -
This thread is over a year old, he probably left her by now.
I hope he has. I haven't read the whole thing but he deserves way more than a self absorbed person. It's what is inside that counts.
Can you send me pictures of your intestines?
Dead thread is dead (apparently not) - all those "self-absorbed" people giving advice to someone who moved on after page 1 and never came back.0 -
wow, I feel sorry for him and I hope he doesn't read this. I'm almost in tears as to how someone could be so CRUEL and INSENSITIVE.0
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Food is the most addictive thing you can imagine. You cant just quit cold turkey like drugs or alcohol. Bottom line is if doesnt want to lose weight himself, he probably won't. There is very little you can do. Try to encourage him is about all. I hope this doesnt have an unhappy ending. Good luck to both of you. Jim0
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stopping habitual problems is difficult. The person has to want to do it for themselves, spouses maybe the worst people to convince them to stop. I think keep ones house in order, and being hapy doing it, is the best thing someone can do.0
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