The thread where people give really bad running advice!

Drinking lots of wine pre race is defiantly going to help your endurance!

Always run at maximum pace, regardless of race distance. Pacing yourself is for p*ssies.

You're running your first 5K? Don't worry, you got this!

The first thing you need to know is that other runners won't respect you unless you talk a LOT of smack. Walk up to the thinnest, fittest-looking guy and tell them you're faster than their mama, that your granddad could beat them wearing Air Jordans.

Make sure you dress the part: Head-to-toe cotton sweats bearing the logo of your favorite football team. That will show your competitors you mean business.

Don't be a loser and pin your race number to the front of your singlet. Pin it on your *kitten* like a pro! And be sure to rip that computer chip right off the bib. Only newbies leave the chip on their bibs!

Make sure to wear a full hydration belt, or better yet, a hydration pack. You'll need to drink at least two liters of water to get through a 5K.

As the race start approaches, make sure to do plenty of static stretches. Do ten to fifteen toe-touches, holding them for at least 60 seconds each. Whatever you do, don't do a warm-up jog. Running two miles at an easy pace before the race will only wear you out!

After the race, if you don't win it outright, make sure to complain to the person handing you the water bottles at the end. They are almost certainly NOT a volunteer and are in fact the person in charge of the entire event. Tell them your Garmin measured the course at 3.12 miles, and if the course was accurate, you would have won for sure!

Whatever you do, DON'T enjoy yourself. Racing a 5K is serious business, and only losers finish with a smile on their face. If you don't feel like crap after the race, you clearly aren't doing it right.

After you're done, make sure to talk loudly with your friends during the awards ceremony, and don't applaud the efforts of your fellow runners. It's uncool to give props to other runners who did a good job in the race.

Finally, as you drive out of the parking lot, don't keep your eyes out for other runners. It's their job to stay out of the way of the cars. You're doing them a favor by keeping them on their toes!

Great job, runner!

Eat plenty of refried beans beforehand

For long distance runs, don't drink any liquids or you will have to stope and pee. If you feel you must drink wear an adult diaper just in case. You don't want to lose any time (eliminating waste)

Shoes are HIGHLY overrated. Check out Payless for any good deals, but don't pay more than $15 for your shoes.

LMAO! This thread is making my night!

Did we cover how sprinting is the best (esp for noobs because it's good to go out hard and super fast right away) because it makes you buff while long distance running will make you scrawny, flabby and without an *kitten*?

On a crowded racecourse it is perfectly acceptable to stop suddenly and re-tie your shoelaces or stretch or drop to a walk, everyone will just run around you.

If you're a slow runner or a walker it's perfectly ok to start at the front of the pack, especially if you're with your friends and want to run/walk three abreast.

You're going to get hot and sweaty anyway so there no need to wash or wear deodorant any time in the 24 hours before the race.

Make sure you have something in your pocket that jingles - keys or loose change, or both!

While you're jammed in the race shute waiting for the starting gun it's perfect ok to fart - you're the guy who had vindaloo for dinner the night before, right?

Your first ever fitness/running goal should be to complete a marathon ...

Ummm... I actually did this. :noway:

Me too :drinker:

These are hilarious btw

Me too. I just didn't want to run to run shorter races cause i was 'supposed' to.

When the weather gets cool, you definitely want to dress in layers. A good plan is: start with a heavy cotton tshirt. You'll want a heavier cotton sweatshirt over that--something from Margaritaville will impress! And if it's really chilly(say, over 60*), add a cordoroy jacket. And don't forget the track pants!

Your first ever fitness/running goal should be to complete a marathon ...

Marathon? Pshhaw. Couch to marathon is nice and all, but anyone with even a bit of fitness should start with Couch to Ultra.

A trail ultra in 16 weeks. For realz.

as a reward, start your first race with brand new shoes...no need to break them in.

Well, you shouldn't need to 'break in' a good pair of running shoes. But certainly don't wear a brand you've never worn before! Or wait! Yes do! (I forgot the purpose of this thread).

The concept of "breaking in" 11 ounces of nylon mesh and rubber is amusing.

Or maybe people are running in heels and boots?

okay here's what you do-
the night before, make sure you eat 100 prunes, 20 bowls of oatmeal, 5 glasses of prune juice, and 2 laxatives.

And wear white basketball shorts. (Saw this guy at my first 5 mile).

Meal of choice before running 10+ miles: Chicken enchiladas with lots of cheese sauce covering a bed of Mexican rice... don't forget the hot salsa!

Whoa whoa whoa, I got my running shoes at Payless!

And that's where you went wrong!

There are only 2 kinds of shoes that are appropriate to wear while running:
1. $100+ super supportive shoes and
2. $100+ shoes with no support whatsoever.

Anything else is crazy talk and should be met with all of the derision you can muster.