An open letter...
Replies
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dear face,
why won't you get thinner? i have been drinking water like mad, but you still continue to scare me away from the mirror.
sincerely,
the rest of your poor body0 -
Dear hubby,
I understand that sometimes you need to go to the toilet at night and that sometimes you're still really sleepy, really I do... but you have really bad aim! Please check the toilet seat for residue, I am sick to death of having to wipe it off first thing in the morning when it's my turn... or, when I haven't bothered to check, end up with it all over my *kitten*...
Love, your darling wife0 -
Dear Older Sisters,
Please quit acting like teenagers, you're in for 40's for God's sake. Maybe if you were a little nicer, not so self-absorbed, you both could probably find and keep a job. Also, quit doing things to each other to start fights and expect everyone else to pick sides. It makes me feel bad that I couldn't invite either of you over for Thanksgiving due to petty fighting. Mom and Dad are getting up there in age, I'm sure they would like to see all of thier kids on the holidays.
Love,
Your youngest, tired of playing peacekeeper sister0 -
Dear wife:
Seventeen years later I would think you accept it as the truth when I tell you I think you're sexy. If you don't believe me that's your choice, but please don't call me a liar or assume I'm just trying to "get some". Perhaps you should take a long honest look in the mirror, identify what you're unhappy with and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT rather than thinking I'm just a sex-crazed maniac.
Along those same lines: Just because I'm trying to lose a few pounds and get in better shape it doesn't automatically mean that either 1) I've got a girlfriend, or 2) that I just want to be able to "perform" longer. And for what it's worth, I'd think most sexually active women in their 40s would appreciate a man who wanted to be in better shape, have better stamina and, in general, have better health. Most wives I know would rather their husbands be healthy and in shape rather than being fat heart-diseased couch potatoes. Perhaps you could be encouraging rather than the opposite?
And, yes... I know... tomorrow I'll regret having typed this all out but it felt good for now.
Frank0 -
Dear almost sister,
I adore you. Really I do. If I have to deal with you on top of planning your wedding for you, I may kill you. You've been engaged less than 24 hours and I'm already over it.
Your not quite sister0 -
Dear 60s plus woman,
That mini skirt and "do-me" shoes shouldn't be seen in public on a woman your age. I think it's fantastic if your husband finds you attractive and sexy when you are dressed that way, but I don't. Keep it at home, please.
Also....that Dolly Parton wig is laughable. You might want to find something a little less over the top.
Signed,
Nauseated at the grocery store.0 -
Dear Nostrils and Throat,
OMGWTF??? I have been sick for an entire week, is that not enough for you? Seriously? I am SO OVER IT. Clear the eff up and leave me alone. Damn.
Love,
Your pissed off and not feeling good attackee0 -
Dear man at the Wendy's,
I'm pretty tolerant most of the time, but when I have to move to another table to avoid gagging (literally), while eating my salad, you either haven't bathed in several days, or your work involves cleaning septic tanks from the inside.
Please either use the drive through window, or at least take your meal outside and eat in your car.
Sincerely,
lost my appetite (and almost my lunch)0 -
Dear family,
You know how you all wanted to get the tree up and lights up and make it look all christmasy around the house...yeah I thought it wasn't too funny when I started pulling boxes out and everyone disappeared FOR HOURS!!!
That stupid fake tree was nearly the death of me, I was sweating after putting that thing together. :grumble: Don't worry though I got it all up and it looks really nice! Just know when it comes time to take it all down.....the door is getting locked and I'm plopping myself down right in front of it, I'll be sipping my tea watching you guys take every last bit of it down. :laugh: 0 -
Dear Brothers,
Can we, for once, remember that I am 1 of 8 children and not an only child? I'm getting a little tired of always planning Mom and Dad's gifts and celebrations for every holiday. Just because I'm the only girl doesn't make it my responsibility. If I call you and ask for a contribution, you act like I'm some kind of beggar, if I don't call and ask for a contribution on something, then you call me the day before the Holiday to find out what "We're" getting. Seriously? And if I have one of your wives tell me again that you're on the brink of poverty and can't possibly contribute and then proceed to tell me about the $400 gaming system that you're getting, I promise that I will finally say something that we will all regret.
Love You All
Feels like an Only Child
PS If your wives can't be pleasant, then please leave them home:grumble:0 -
Dear Monday,
I hate you. I hate the way the alarm wakes me up at 6:00am and I have an hour to drive just to finish working on a project then go to work. I hate it that you lie to me. I thought it was going to be a sunny day but no you love to screw with me. It freakin rainin in sheets outside. I just wanted to go home and curl in bed. But you said NO! I had to come fight with people about presentations and test. I really cant stand you. I am thinking about cutting you out of my calendar. But I couldn't punish Tuesday...thats the only reason I put up with you!
Yours Truly
Weekend Lover0 -
Dear Loving Boyfriend,
I really do love you with all of my heart that is the reason that I must scream this at you....Please call the Dr. and get on some meds. You and I both know that you are in a depression, and that is okay. I have tried to be patient with you. I have tried to give you some nudging and some gentle reminders, but to no avail....
It is really starting to affect everyone in the house. I am sure as much as our three year old loves you, she does not want to sit in the house with you everyday doing nothing but watching TV. She and you both need to get out and enjoy life. Take her swimming, or to the ball room, to the library, anywhere just get out of the house!! Please Baby just take the plunge and get yourself well again!
Love
Your quietly losing patience girl
Dear Beautiful daughters of mine,
I am so glad that at 14 yrs old you have taken an interest in your 3 year old sister. I just wish though, that in taking an interest you didn't pass on bad habits and make them seem fun and cool. No 3 year old should be high fiving to "pulling an all nighter" UGH are you kiding me??? And to my 3 year old please take this as a reminder that Santa is watching your every move and there is still time to take you off the "good girl" list......NOW GO TO BED!
Love,
Your increasingly frustrated Mom!
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Dear Ex-friend...(you know who you are)
I will never understand why what I offered to you in friendship was not good enough for you. My heart aches thinking about all the fun times we had, and how fake you really are. The "oh hunni's" and "oh sweeties!", all fake. You flatter everyone with them, everyone thinks you're so kindhearted and sincere. I can't believe you've gotten into the hearts of my other friends. Even at just ONE friend, you made sure she was the oldest friend I had, so you can be fake to her and try to get her to love you as I did. And then drop her, because she will never be good enough to meet your standards. No one ever is.
Love,
Your ex-friend.0 -
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Dear Cashier at the discount store,
I should have taken the time to stop and tell you this in person, but as usual, I was in my own little world, hustling off to something else, rather than taking the time to thank you.
As I was standing in the check out line next to yours, I watched you. The elderly man and woman that were in your line were really quite helpless. You took the time to speak kindly to them, came around the counter and carefully unloaded their items from the baskets on their wheelchairs. You smiled continuously, and spoke to them as if they were the only people in the world, like they were the most important people in your life. You continued to speak kindly to them, and actually paid attention to what they were saying to you. If you weren't interested in listening to the stories of their children/grandchildren/etc, it didn't show, because you interacted with them, asking questions and showing great interest in their responses.
When the man had technical difficulties with the credit card reader, you politely and carefully provided instructions, and then, without losing your patience, gave the instructions again when he made a mistake. Finally, you cheerfully stood next to him and watched what he was doing, giving polite and loving instructions all through the process, (even though it was slow and tedious for his arthritic hands).
In short... you were FANTASTIC. If only I could be so loving and kind with all the people in my life, rather than rushing through it.
I didn't get your name, but the next time I see you in that store, I will make an effort to compliment you on your selfless attitude, and then provide the store manager with a glowing report about you.
Thanks for demonstrating that there are still some loving, caring people in this world.
Sincerely,
A very humbled man.0 -
Dear 12 year old son that I love more than life -
I know that getting up in the morning is hard - believe me I don't like getting up either. It's part of life and we all have to do it - whether its for work or for school - it's life! Every morning I get out of bed and wake you up first so that you have enough time to get ready (your usual complaint is not enough time), but today you asked why you couldn't sleep longer... I just have to shake my head and walk away. I get up earlier than I have to for YOU! So when you stomp into the bathroom, pee all over my toliet seat, leave your dirty clothes on the floor and complain about being too tired to eat... it REALLY irritates me....
Maybe you should try going to bed earlier instead of listening to your IPOD or texting on your phone OR come home from school and take a nap. No one is there to bother you - take advantage of it - I WOULD....
Love your irritated and tired mom0 -
Dear Cashier at the discount store,
I should have taken the time to stop and tell you this in person, but as usual, I was in my own little world, hustling off to something else, rather than taking the time to thank you.
As I was standing in the check out line next to yours, I watched you. The elderly man and woman that were in your line were really quite helpless. You took the time to speak kindly to them, came around the counter and carefully unloaded their items from the baskets on their wheelchairs. You smiled continuously, and spoke to them as if they were the only people in the world, like they were the most important people in your life. You continued to speak kindly to them, and actually paid attention to what they were saying to you. If you weren't interested in listening to the stories of their children/grandchildren/etc, it didn't show, because you interacted with them, asking questions and showing great interest in their responses.
When the man had technical difficulties with the credit card reader, you politely and carefully provided instructions, and then, without losing your patience, gave the instructions again when he made a mistake. Finally, you cheerfully stood next to him and watched what he was doing, giving polite and loving instructions all through the process, (even though it was slow and tedious for his arthritic hands).
In short... you were FANTASTIC. If only I could be so loving and kind with all the people in my life, rather than rushing through it.
I didn't get your name, but the next time I see you in that store, I will make an effort to compliment you on your selfless attitude, and then provide the store manager with a glowing report about you.
Thanks for demonstrating that there are still some loving, caring people in this world.
Sincerely,
A very humbled man.
This is fantastic!! I love hearing stories like this!
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Dear Mother Nature,
The snow you sent us today was perfect. Seeing the flakes fly around but not sticking to the roads was so peaceful. I wish it would always be that way this winter. However, I'm sure my kids would be heartbroken.
Sincerely,
Pleased to not have to navigate snowy and slick roads tonight0 -
Dear Gym Manager;
Yes, I know your sister owns the place; yes, I know you have to about commit murder to get fired -
BUT - staring at the women's backsides while they work out and then STANDING on a treadmill while all the rest are full just so you can get a better look at the television while you eat your bag of potato chips...
You are NOT helping the business grow and some of those ladies say they won't be coming back if you're there. Could you... I don't know... maybe... GROW UP a little bit?
a peeved gym member0 -
Dear Son,
You know that you can't have dairy! Why do you scream and cry for it? I don't like cleaning up puke any more than you like puking, so please do us both a favor and leave sissy's string cheese in the fridge! I know that it isn't fair that you can't have dairy, but it is just part of life. I try to not eat anything that you can't have (unless I am at work and you can't see me) and I spend lots of money on the veggie cheese and soy milk and soy ice cream that you can have. So please, put the cheese down! I love you and I know your only 3 but I didn't give you Celiac disease, your daddy did, so puke on him next time.
Love you always,
Mommy (aka family puke scrubber upper)0 -
Dear Selfish Neighbors,
Please stop parking in front of my house! If you look really closely you will notice you not only have space in front of your own house, but unlike us, you also have a driveway!! I realize it takes a lot to walk across the street and move your car after the street sweeper has come, so imagine how fun it is for me to have to park 2 houses down because you leave your car in same spot all week. Please stop being lazy and move your damn car!
Yours Truly,
Move It Before I Move It For You0 -
Hola Senior and Senora,
I am so happy you had a good time on Thanksgiving with your family and friends. But did you really have to play that same mariachi tape over and over for 10 hours at the highest volume on your boom box?
By the way........I TOO was having a dinner with family and friends and had to close all my windows and turn on the AC on a beautiful Autumn day.
Signed,
Next time I call the cops 0 -
Dear Lady at the post office-
I don't care that you've worked here for the last 40 years, you can still be nice to me when I want to get my locks changed.
Love,
The girl who now goes to the OTHER post office0 -
Dear Weight,
We've had some good times together, you and me. We have enjoyed all the spoils that life has to offer, and it's been a fun ride. But the time has come for us to part ways. I know your gonna wanna hang on and cling to me, but it's ok to let go. I'll be fine. Please go willingly, because you don't have a say anymore.
Warmest regards and adios!!!
The new me
LOVE IT!! and Ditto btw
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Dear Hubs,
What crawled up your *kitten*?
Love,
Your annoyed wife0 -
Oh, I am SO glad I'm not "hubs" right now... :-)0
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Oh, I am SO glad I'm not "hubs" right now... :-)
That's funny! no dog house for you! lol0 -
Oh, I am SO glad I'm not "hubs" right now... :-)
Me, too!0 -
dear life,
is it too much to ask that you dont drop everything on me at once? if you havent noticed, there are 12 months in a year. can we space out the bs to one, maybe two (and thats pushing it) a month? or are we trying to hit a quota of crap before the year is out?
amie
dear two year old,
there is no need to lick the carpet. just because i run the vaccum everyday does not mean you have to taste it and see if its clean. thanks.
mom
dear mom,
yes, i heard you. yes, i heard you. YES, I HEARD YOU.
your loving daughter
dear work,
enough already, ok? thanks.
employee 7152410 -
Dear Crazy Lady on the Treadmill,
It' was 6am. Everyone was at the gym to do work and then go to work. WHY, WHY must you yell about the president and sports and any other damn thing that comes on the TV?? If you can yell that loud you CLEARLY aren't running hard enough. I realize you have the flight crew head phones on and can't hear yourself but let me tell you YOU'RE LOUD AS HELL!!! I can't turn my music player up enough to drown your nutty *kitten* out. Did I mention It was S-I-X AM?!? I don't like mornings and my patience is especially thin when I haven't had coffee or breakfast. All I wanted was to plug in to some crappy 80's music and run. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO your crazy *kitten* has to scream and yell about things not a soul in the gym cared about at that moment. So, when I told you to shut the *kitten* up. I meant it. Feel fortunate I supressed the first impulse which was to hold down the UP button until you flew off the back of the treadmill. Calling me a b*tch in the locker room? You're lucky I didn't eat your face. Just sayin. NEXT TIME you're yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs about that bs first thing in the morning I PROMISE I'm going to "drop" my water bottle on your treadmill and trip you. Even if I have to lob it across the gym. You CRAZY HEFFER.
LOVE,
The b*tch that told you to shut the *kitten* up0
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