An open letter...

Dear Co-worker

I understand you graduated from Yale with a Masters in Planning. But why is it that I am always the one who "is confused" for the 30 minutes you explain how I am right... Then when you realize what I told you 30 minutes ago YOU are right and I was wrong?

Kiss my beanbag
Thnx
State College Grad

Dearest Work Email,

Please connect to the server. Its been almost an hour and I need to send/receive emails to document my work. Its a hassle to continue my work and then have to come back and save/document all this crap later. I'll make a deal with you- you just have to stay connected for the rest of today and then you can have the next 2 days off!! How can you pass up a deal like that?? Please?

Sincerely,
Annoyed and underpaid (AGAIN! lol)

Dear Wal-Mart cashier,

Could you please stop chewing your gum like a cow chewing its cud and attempting to speak at the same time? It is utterly disgusting and quite rude and I couldn't understand half of what you said.

Sincerely,
Grossed Out Customer

Dear Wal-Mart cashier,

Could you please stop chewing your gum like a cow chewing its cud and attempting to speak at the same time? It is utterly disgusting and quite rude and I couldn't understand half of what you said.

Sincerely,
Grossed Out Customer

Dear Grossed Out Customer

Be happy they spoke English...

Sincerely
Huh?

Dear Mucus,

I. hate. you.

I know that my head is a cool place to hang out, but seriously, you have overstayed your welcome. You are making me want to swallow sandpaper to stop the annoying tickle/itch thing going on in my throat. It is incredibly annoying that I feel like I have to blow my nose all the time, yet you never come out. I am tired of flip-flopping all night in bed because you think it is funny to take up residence in only one nostril at a time. If I have to explain to one more customer that I can't speak up because I am losing my voice and at best right now I sound like a man, I will lose my *kitten*!! I have taken so much OTC medicine that I think I am immune to it now, and yet you are still not gone. If I have to swallow one more tbsp. of honey before bed, I think I might vomit.

Please, please, please go away and don't ever come back.

Signed,
Seriously get the *&^k out!!

Dear boyfriend,

I really wish you would quit calling yourself fat, and insisting that you're fatter than I am. You're not. I don't know if you're doing it to be funny or if you're serious, but it's getting very old, very quickly. You're a good 3 inches taller than I am, and you weigh 25 to 30 pounds less than I do. Do the math... you're an intelligent person, so I don't understand why you keep saying you're fatter than I am. I'm sure this is probably due to your self-esteem problems - but here's some news: it doesn't help anything when you constantly speak down to yourself. Doing that by comparing yourself to me just makes me feel uncomfortable. I've tried ignoring you and I've tried simply stating that you're being silly and letting it go... but it keeps coming up. I hope you let this go soon, too.

Love,
Me (who wishes you could see you through my eyes - you do NOT need to lose 40 pounds...maybe 25 at the most!)

Dearest Kitty,
I love you . More than ANYTHING in the world. You're my girl and you're my BEST friend. You love me fat or thin, smelly or clean. I know we have good talks all the time but WHY are you sitting here YOWLING at me? I know for a fact you've got food, I just cleaned and refilled your water dish, I've offered you my lap for snuggles, I've rubbed your tummy.. what gives? Are you trying to make me crazy? I love you to peices but I want to choke you. SHUT UP!!

Love,
Your adoring mom

Dear Adoring mom

I'm a cat! It's my job.

Love your adoring Kittie

ps: I can't remember where I left my half eaten mouse. Have you seen it?

P.S.S. I puked up a hairball under your bed......don't get pissy, it's a present!

AMAZING...that's my kitty to a T :-)

Dear Guy-at-the-Gym last night:

I'm so happy for you for having such high self esteem and being so completely comfortable with your totally buck-naked body, but we really don't care to have to see your @ss and everything else God gave ya while you stand there for at least* 15 minutes catching the game at the marble half-wall separating the locker room and lounge area with the tv... pressing your junk up against the wall right next to where people have to bend down and turn their head towards you if they want to use the water fountain... I mean really. The stack of fresh towels is literally *right* behind you. How about grabbing a towel and wrapping it around yourself next time.

Signed,
Things that can't be unseen

Crying I'm laughing so hard!!!!

Dear Santa....

Dear Son,

I realize that you 1) just turned ONE, 2) are a BOY, and 3) are loving your new found talent of walking, but you have me STRESSED to the MAX!!! JUST because you figured out how to open the toilet bowl lid in the bathroom does NOT mean you are supposed to bathe in the toilet water, or shower the bathroom with the drips of toilet water off of your flailing arms when I pull you OUT of the toilet water. Just because you are still breastfeeding does NOT mean you can put both hands down my shirt in public, try to rip out my boob and go to town. It's kinda embarrassing! I love that you have somehow managed to catch the ONE time I forgot to close the cabinet door behind me in the kitchen, and you pulled out my bleach, toilet bowl cleaner, and splattered the bottle of Windex all over the floor, just to get to the cleaning toothbrush in the BACK of the cabinet. And WHILE I am on my hands and knees cleaning up the Windex before you splash in it, you are laughing and jumping on my back yelling "MAAMAAMAAMAAMAAA!!!" You are the light of my life, but I enjoy my eyelashes being firmly attached to my eyelids, and I greatly appreciate my ears in the spot that God placed them, permanently!! And JUST because your sister is sporting beautiful, curly pigtails and is sitting RIGHT in front of you watching her favorite Dora episode, does NOT mean you should sneak up behind her and yoink those suckers as hard as you can and laugh when she squeals in pain!!

Love,
Your very flustered, but adoring mother.