Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?
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'cause "being concerned" = i wont marry you unless you weigh X
But then I also wonder if he's trying to say that he's concerned about your health and wishes that you'd get to healthier weight because he's worried about you. And maybe he's just not able to express that in a way that makes sense, and it comes out as him saying that he only wants you at a lighter weight. In that case, I'd want to talk to him about both of our health goals and both of our fears and dreams for the future.
This is what I was thinking. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you don't have both sides of the story. If my partner was gaining weight rapidly, I would be concerned.
Helz no, honey, you need to kick that man to the curb. Nobody has time to be treated like that!0 -
Egads.
...and in.0 -
The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.
That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
Where are all the Just Break Up chanters? You'd think they'd be all over this like flies on...rice. Finally a thread where the spouse is actually doing some screwed up and yet...only two pages? But when someone's husband is bringing home cookies things blow up.
IKR? Not even one person saying she needs to punch him in the junk.
She needs to punch him in the junk. There I said it :happy:
You literally did. :flowerforyou:0 -
Well, my answer depends on the timeline of events. Let's say you've been floating the marriage idea for a while, so he proposed and tacked on a condition that he doesn't think you're going to live up to anytime soon, if ever. In that case, lose his number, and forget he ever existed because he does not want to marry you.
If he is generally supportive of you and just wants to be sure you can make a commitment and stick to it, then you need to try harder. I've been there, and I'm telling you there is no finish line with this weight loss thing. Even when/if you get to this magical 130 lbs, you need to get used to the idea that you are going to have to fight forever to maintain it. It does not get easier. You just develop and hone the skills necessary to manage it better.
I don't know you, so I am not accusing you of anything, and it could very well be the case that your boyfriend is a coward. But as a single person, one thing I look for in potential boyfriends/spouses is how quick they are to give up when the going gets tough. Quitting jobs/school, ditching relationships, giving up on goals, avoiding any uncomfortable confrontation with something or someone ... those are not things that inspire confidence in a person's trustworthiness. Some self-reflection is always a good idea.0 -
The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
*applause*0 -
This is all just so baffling to me. What happens if you get to 140, and find that you like how you look and that weight, and can maintain it long-term? Will he peace out because it isn't the agreed-upon number?0
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Tell him you'll lose the weight for the wedding but that you expect him to grow a couple of extra inches or it's off. And I don't mean in height.
I absolutely love this comment0 -
Run away as fast as you can and don't look back!0
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No, absolutely not. Your body is yours. He loves you, or he does not, he does not get to dictate to you what you weigh. He's a control freak and an *kitten*, imho.
+10 -
But then I also wonder if he's trying to say that he's concerned about your health and wishes that you'd get to healthier weight because he's worried about you. And maybe he's just not able to express that in a way that makes sense, and it comes out as him saying that he only wants you at a lighter weight. In that case, I'd want to talk to him about both of our health goals and both of our fears and dreams for the future.
This is what I was thinking. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you don't have both sides of the story. If my partner was gaining weight rapidly, I would be concerned.
Wut?
1) She's lost 40 pounds in the time they've been together. She's put some back on but still that means she's smaller than when they met. Why is he concerned now but not 5 almost 6 years ago?
2) Being concerned = Won't marry you until your X weight?! Because that doesn't sound like concern, it sound like blackmail.
3) OH my gosh, who am I and what are these words I'm typing.
I'm all about weight being an active part of a relationship- for me weight- and fitness are part of the package and appeal- I don't find things sexually attractive so that needs to be addressed- as humanly- and without malice as possible. I personally have issues with rapid weight gain and big changes that go un-addressed. I could see if there was sudden weight gain/loss and there were drastic mental/physc issues that went with this- those things need to be addressed and handled- not you're to fat I'm leaving- or your depressed and look like a sack of bones... but I love you- and I'm concerned- but it's less about "I'm going to do Y for you when you do X" that's just manipulation.
But- yeah. he sounds like a real gem- for someone else. He won't marry till you're x weight- that sounds very manipulative and like someone who isn't really committed.0 -
I think you already know the answer....you deserve better.
:flowerforyou:0 -
He has never accepted you for who you really are. I can understand if he was genuinely concerned for your health, but it seems like this wedding is just an event "to be seen of others." Trust me, if he is placing these demands on you already... what is he going to do in the future when 'life happens" things that are out of his "control" like illness? Illness can cause a person to gain weight. What happens if God forbid you were incapacitated? Would you know in your gut that he will accept you for who you are and whatever happens in life or will he leave you? Cause if you have doubt, any doubt... you know what you should do. Been there done that.0
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Sounds like a divorce is in your future...0
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sounds like he's using it as an excuse to not have to get married.
i was a tiny size 3 when i met my husband and due to too many health issues, i ballooned up to a size 24! i have to say that never once did he EVER mention my weight. 25 years i've been with this man and he never said a word! i do not see a long relationship in the cards for you. just my opinion. 0 -
Anyone on here who is married will probably agree.
Marriage is HARD enough without stipulations like this.
You will fall in and out of love with each other a million times while you are married. Marriage is about the commitment to be there for each other, sickness, health, all that jazz. Sounds like you have either never been that weight or at least he has never known you at that weight, so what the hell???0 -
I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.
I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!
***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***
Ok, I'm sure you've gotten more than enough feedback from this post... probably more than you wanted, even. But, contrary to my nature, I'm going to give you just two more cents.
It sounds to me like you have so much more going on than relationship issues and weight issues. It sounds like stress and grief and HUGE lifestyle changes and sacrifice and... so many things that compound until we can't see anything clearly anymore. I know. I've been there. Please, please, please know that when everything gets fuzzy and you choose one thing to focus on to try and fix it all, you'll still have everything else to deal with.
My rec? Find a therapist. I'm not saying that to degrade you. I'm saying that because my heart goes out to you, and if you were in front of me I'd hug you and cry with you and beg you to get more help than I or anyone on this board can offer. Before you can even think about fixing a relationship that might or might not be worth fixing, fix everything else, for yourself. Give yourself time to heal and change and grow and be who you want to and are meant to be... then talk about a relationship.
Best of luck with everything.0 -
A man who refuses to commit to you until you reach his established goal of the right weight for you isn't worth your time. Just my opinion.
This.
Your visage can and will change over time; who you are as a person is what is important. The person you marry should understand that, and the right guy will want to spend the rest of his life with you whether you weigh 209 or 130.
Lose the weight for you, not for him or a wedding. :flowerforyou:0 -
LOLAnyone on here who is married will probably agree.
Marriage is HARD enough without stipulations like this.
You will fall in and out of love with each other a million times while you are married. Marriage is about the commitment to be there for each other, sickness, health, all that jazz. Sounds like you have either never been that weight or at least he has never known you at that weight, so what the hell???0 -
I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now... You are worth more than this... Seriously... You are more than a number on a scale. And especially when you are grieving... The stress of grief alone can cause someone to gain weight even without eating anymore. I can't even fathom how someone could say that. He's not showing unconditional love, and that's what you will need from now until you are 100 years old.0
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1) She's lost 40 pounds in the time they've been together. She's put some back on but still that means she's smaller than when they met. Why is he concerned now but not 5 almost 6 years ago?
^ This wholeheartedly. If he wants you to be smaller now, what gives? He was okay dating you at a heavier weight, was attracted to you at some point, whether or not you had the weight, but now, suddenly, it makes some sort of difference?
I have been there. I get it. I know it's hard. I know the self-doubt that creeps in and whispers in your ear about whether or not anyone will love you, what if he's the one, what if he can change....
So I will impart the single greatest piece of advice ever given to me, ever, in my whole life:
"You cannot will it so."
My ex-husband was similar in a lot of ways and the father of both my children and I desperately did not want my kids to come from a broken home like me... but ultimately, although it hurt a bit at first, I have never been happier or regretted that decision. I am now remarried to the love of my life who treats me like a queen (although, I am often not).
Give yourself the best gift of all: a chance to be the real, happy, best YOU that you can be. You'll never regret that. I promise.0
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